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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to end a two week argument?

35 replies

Bettyok · 05/01/2022 01:12

My husband and I have been having problems since the birth of our LO almost 2 years ago. At the moment we have been locked in an argument for almost two weeks now, started on Christmas Day with him making a stupid comment and me being furious he’d “ruined Christmas”. The problem is he refuses to talk and just hash it out so we keep having these little fights that turn into big fights that turn into him saying “I’m not doing this now” and refusing to engage. How do I end this cycle of being mad at each other?! It just seems like we can’t get past it at the moment. So frustrating that he won’t engage in a conversation.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 05/01/2022 01:21

You sit him down and tell him no more 'not doing this now' and that either the two of you hash things out right now or one of you will need to leave.

Marriage is for sharing and mutual support. If that's not happening, then what's the point? I'd rather live alone than in an atmosphere of constant tension and resentment.

RoyKentsChestHair · 05/01/2022 01:48

This ^

He’s being unreasonable for carrying it on this long. Time to shit or get off the pot.

Derelicthome · 05/01/2022 02:04

If he won’t engage and hash it out, you could do something nice like give him a peace offering, such a as cupcake with a note apologising for any part you played in the mess (catastrophizing a single comment if that’s what you did) and then let go of any resentment you hold towards his mistake.
You will probably find he apologises once you do.

Otherwise what I used to do when my DH (has happened a couple of times in the past) decides to have a sulk, just mirror his uncommunicative behaviour back to him until he cracks and wants to talk.

RantyAunty · 05/01/2022 02:48

What was the stupid comment?

Guavaf1sh · 05/01/2022 04:47

Why would you turn ‘little fights into big fights’? Why would you want to goad him into a response all the time? Sounds like he is at the end of his tether with your constant bickering about small things and it sounds from your OP that you became ‘furious’ on Christmas Day over what even you describe as a ‘stupid comment’.

Is there an actual major underlying issue that the small things are just excuses for a proxy fight? From your OP it sounds as if you’re the one with the problem but more information is needed to judge really

arcof · 05/01/2022 04:54

Why don't you stop fighting for the sake of your child who am sure is living in an awful environment. Be the adult about it if he won't and don't engage. Being right is not what matters here, creating a stable home for your child is. Make plans to leave if your relationship cannot be repaired.

madisonbridges · 05/01/2022 04:59

Why did a stupid comment ruin Christmas? Why do you need to hash it out? In my experience hashing things out just makes both people dig in deeper. It's really not necessary to dissect every little thing and go into counselling, no matter what people on MN say. You're both probably tired. Just back off from each other, give each other space and move on from a stupid comment. That is, of course, if all this IS just about a stupid comment.

Youngstreet · 05/01/2022 05:22

You sound like my dsis op.
She's like a dog with a bone, can't let anything go.
It's mentally exhausting.
Perhaps you overthink things.

Why not put this argument to rest and look at your whole relationship. You may need couple counselling or to be nicer to each other.
Having a dc is a sure way to show up weaknesses in your relationship.

Potatodrivers · 05/01/2022 05:46

Why can't you let a little comment go? Why is a little comment still a big issue two weeks later?

Shoxfordian · 05/01/2022 05:59

What are you even arguing about? It sounds exhausting

Kanaloa · 05/01/2022 06:11

I don’t know. In my experience people who like to ‘sit down and hash it out’ generally want to drag the drama out for as long as possible.

I’m more of a ‘let’s get on with it’ type of person. I’m not keen on having long and involved conversations where every tiny facet of an argument is pored over at exhausting length.

And if you’ve been having problems for two years, is a five minute sit down likely to improve things really?

chaosrabbitland · 05/01/2022 07:00

@Kanaloa

I don’t know. In my experience people who like to ‘sit down and hash it out’ generally want to drag the drama out for as long as possible.

I’m more of a ‘let’s get on with it’ type of person. I’m not keen on having long and involved conversations where every tiny facet of an argument is pored over at exhausting length.

And if you’ve been having problems for two years, is a five minute sit down likely to improve things really?

agree with this , the hash it out type people also want to prove their bloody point about how out of order you were and they are totally in the right for being outraged / angry , its normally an exercise i find to ensure you are kept in your place as the offending person and them as the wronged party , having been single for many years i couldnt be doing with a hash it out person any more , id rather kick them to the kerb and be happily single again
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/01/2022 07:08

My ex husband would always refuse to communicate and I couldn't live like that so we got divorced. However this isn't just about Christmas is it. It seems to be about parenthood and other issues and you feeling deep resentment for whatever reason. I think counselling is essential right now or your marriage could be over.

wombat1a · 05/01/2022 08:06

In my experience people who like to ‘sit down and hash it out’ generally have no desire to hash it out they just want to beat the other person into submission to 'prove' yet again they are in the right.

TheFoundation · 05/01/2022 08:58

I don't really agree that wanting to 'hash it out' is a sign of wanting to prove that you're right. I've been in your situation, OP, and discovered attachment styles.

www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

I found that my ex was avoidant, and I was anxious, so I'd be desperate to talk it all through if we fell out, and my ex would go out for hours/days, doing everything possible to avoid talking it through.

It's very useful. It's not easy to fix, as these styles are engrained, but they can be moved to some extent. The first step is understanding/awareness. It was very helpful to me to feel like I 'got it', because until then I was totally lost and distressed in the dynamic.

gamerchick · 05/01/2022 09:03

@wombat1a

In my experience people who like to ‘sit down and hash it out’ generally have no desire to hash it out they just want to beat the other person into submission to 'prove' yet again they are in the right.
Yep. I swerve them as well, especially those who blow up small things into big.

Going from the OP I feel really sorry for the husband and the kid stuck in the middle.

gamerchick · 05/01/2022 09:07

Course that depends on what he said that was so bad it made a furious spouse for 2 weeks and counting

TheFoundation · 05/01/2022 09:12

There's a lot of comments here about how awful 'hash it out' people are.

We really don't know the ins and outs here, except that OP wants to talk through a problematic issue and her husband refuses.

@Bettyok I don't know why people are assuming you're in the wrong here, or why people are bothering to comment if all they have to say is that what you're doing would piss them off. It's not helpful, is it!

Kanaloa · 05/01/2022 13:56

Well no but all we know is the limited information that op chose to share which is that her husband made a stupid comment and she then became ‘furious’ and this escalated into a huge argument which has then been reignited repeatedly.

If op had wanted opinions on whether she was right or wrong she could have shared what was said but instead she seems focused on how to get to ‘hash it out.’ How are people supposed to give advice on anything else?

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 05/01/2022 14:02

Depending on how Xmas was ruined... Possibly time to call it a day?

elelel · 05/01/2022 14:02

The problem is he refuses to talk and just hash it out so we keep having these little fights that turn into big fights that turn into him saying “I’m not doing this now” and refusing to engage.

How do I end this cycle of being mad at each other?!

Divorce.

Also, please stop seeing his behaviour as your problem to fix.

TheFoundation · 05/01/2022 14:11

@Kanaloa

Well no but all we know is the limited information that op chose to share which is that her husband made a stupid comment and she then became ‘furious’ and this escalated into a huge argument which has then been reignited repeatedly.

If op had wanted opinions on whether she was right or wrong she could have shared what was said but instead she seems focused on how to get to ‘hash it out.’ How are people supposed to give advice on anything else?

By answering the question that was asked.

It's not rocket science.

Kanaloa · 05/01/2022 15:08

And the question that was asked was how to end the argument. I and a few others have said constant ‘let’s hash it out’ won’t end it, so letting it go is pretty much the only way to end it.

So I did give my advice on the actual issue. You have your opinion on other people’s posts and I didn’t see you giving op some magic key to solving the argument.

Sally872 · 05/01/2022 15:13

It sounds like you now feel you over reacted for being furious? If so apologise and move on. Don't talk about why you over reacted or his part in that apologise for your part if you are sorry. If he won't talk send a message. He may respond with an apology for his part or not, but that shouldn't matter to your apology (if you do feel you have overreacted).

BlingLoving · 05/01/2022 15:16

This is one of those ones that really depends on the situation. Sometimes, hashing it out really isn't necessary and is just someone seeking drama. Other times, it is.

eg, he made a thoughtless comment about you not being the best turkey chef, you lost it completely and shouted he "ruined" Christmas should be a brief mutual apology within a fairly short time frame.

Him disappearing at 7am on Christmas morning to spend the day with his mother, without telling you, and not reappearing until midnight probably needs a longer conversation about why he thought that ws okay, and where the boundaries in your relationship need to be.

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