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Original poster

No idea what to do/think

29 replies

handbaglove · 04/01/2022 19:31

So, I guess I'm here because I can't/won't/don't talk to friends and family about my relationship and I'm really struggling and need some advice. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

Myself and hubby have been together since 16. 15 years later, two pre teens and a home together. We always had trust. 100%. No matter what happened I always thought he would be faithful to me and I to him.

Recently he was going through a really rough patch for many reasons and he was drinking way too much. To the point my children and I weren't a priority. Anyway, I caught him on the phone to another woman - he said nothing happened she was just a friend to talk to etc etc. With more digging and investigating and him tripping up he admitted to kissing her - quite a few times and on more than one occasion. He met her in a bar and went back to hers and then the next time he called her to see what she was doing and she came and picked him up and he went back to "chill" and they kissed some more.

So firstly my issue is that MY husbands tongue was down another woman's throat. Then we have the issue of the lies and then I think to myself do I really believe that two grown adults kissed like teenagers but nothing else?!

He swears blind there's nothing else to tell me. He's deleted and blocked the number and is bending over backwards to get my trust back. But I find my self crying myself to sleep most nights because I never saw it coming. I don't know what to do.

I have her number but I feel calling her wouldn't get me any answers. I can't ask him any more as he isn't changing his story .. maybe we just can't move forward from this? I don't know ? Any advice .. similar situations .. anything is much appreciated.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 04/01/2022 19:52

I'm sorry this is happening op.

The reason you can't move on is because you don't believe him.

You are trying to convince yourself he has hurt you less than he has.

The trust has gone at the moment and he's going to have to work very hard to regain that trust but only if you want him to. He may not be up to the job.

Take your time, nothing has to be decided instantly.

x

Original poster
handbaglove · 04/01/2022 20:00

I just wish it never happened. I feel like we need to sort out whatever it is that is going to happen because of our children. It's not fair on them when neither of us are talking etc. I just don't know if I can move on and forget about it 😩

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 04/01/2022 20:57

He's hurt you very badly.

He needs to be stepping up, trying to reassure you.
Him just giving the silent treatment is not going to sort things out.

Would he be open to councelling?

Why don't you have a think about some councelling for yourself, have you spoken to anyone in RL about this ?

Original poster
handbaglove · 04/01/2022 21:08

@Onthedunes

He's hurt you very badly.

He needs to be stepping up, trying to reassure you.
Him just giving the silent treatment is not going to sort things out.

Would he be open to councelling?

Why don't you have a think about some councelling for yourself, have you spoken to anyone in RL about this ?

In his defence, he is doing everything he can to be a good husband. But my head just tells me that two grown adults don't "snog like teenagers" and nothing else on more than one occasion.

I've not spoken to any one about it. I think I'm too embarrassed. Hence why I'm here, looking to strangers to tell me what to do 😩

OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 04/01/2022 21:14

OP - you know they didn’t just kiss. Men caught out always minimise.
What’s the issues that have led to his drinking more/a lot?
Guilt?
Chasing other women?
Sorry to be harsh.
You need to think about you in all this.
He wasn’t going to tell you and he lied.
Are you hoping to work through it

thetinsoldier · 04/01/2022 21:18

Oh sweetheart, that sounds very hard. It's often harder to talk to friends about something like this, and easier to open up to people who don't know you.

I'm not surprised you don't know what to do, but I agree that it sounds unlikely they'd have stopped at snogging. I'm so sorry.

RantyAunty · 04/01/2022 21:20

He is just telling the bare minimum.

Grownups don't go back alone to someone's place just to snog.

When he did this, where did he tell you he was? Had he been staying out all night?

Original poster
handbaglove · 04/01/2022 21:21

@Blue4YOU

OP - you know they didn’t just kiss. Men caught out always minimise. What’s the issues that have led to his drinking more/a lot? Guilt? Chasing other women? Sorry to be harsh. You need to think about you in all this. He wasn’t going to tell you and he lied. Are you hoping to work through it
It's so hard because when he tells me, I believe him! Honestly I never imagined we would be in this situation.

I can't really go into detail about what causes the drinking etc but it's a lot of childhood trauma.

I never wanted to be without him which is why I'm still here. Can you ever really get over something like this?? I'm so head mushed right now

OP posts:
Original poster
handbaglove · 04/01/2022 21:22

@RantyAunty

He is just telling the bare minimum.

Grownups don't go back alone to someone's place just to snog.

When he did this, where did he tell you he was? Had he been staying out all night?

He said he was at a friends house both times A friend that I don't really know. He also said he didn't go back with the intent of it
OP posts:
Original poster
handbaglove · 04/01/2022 21:26

I just want the truth. The whole facts so I can work from there. It's the limbo that's killing me more.

I just don't know how to get them if he's intent on his story

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 04/01/2022 21:37

It's unlikely he'll tell you the truth unless something forces him to.

Say he went back to hers twice and they shagged, what would you want to do?

Blue4YOU · 04/01/2022 21:53

Funny how you don’t know this friend of his…?

premium77 · 04/01/2022 22:04

I would phone the OW, I would need absolute answers. If their stories don’t add up then I’d be done

Original poster
handbaglove · 04/01/2022 22:08

I think I'd leave based on the lies more than the sex.

At the time he said a guys name that's an acquaintance but not one I would know/see a lot.

I know I seem like thick b@£&h 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
handbaglove · 04/01/2022 22:10

I spoke to the OW when I caught them on the phone before I knew anything and she roared something like "I just met him at the pub and were pals so I don't think she'd tell me anything

OP posts:
AsMyGranWouldSay · 04/01/2022 22:20

I couldn't get over the kissing, in some ways it's worse than a quick ons. There's something more romantic about it. Sorry, OP, if that is painful to hear but seeking the facts is a red herring, you know enough.

This happened to a close friend. Spoke ot OW who denied it went further. Friend stayed, and a few years later he progressed to an affair.
Key question : is he sorry because he loves you (in which case why mess about in the first place, genuine question?) Or is he sorry he got caught?

So sorry this has happened, it's so hurtful.

Original poster
handbaglove · 04/01/2022 22:26

@AsMyGranWouldSay I absolutely agree & part of me doesn't know why I'm still here. I don't know if it's shock or hope. Maybe both. Maybe I'm scared because he's all I've known my entire adult life. I just don't know. I think he's sorry on both parts

OP posts:
OneDayIWillBeOrganised · 04/01/2022 22:37

@handbaglove it seems as though you would like to move past this but can't because his version of events isn't stacking up.
It's a bit of a no-win situation really, if he admits there was sex you'll probably leave, if he doesn't there'll be a constant nagging doubt if you stay.
I'm sorry you're going through this and hope that you get the answers you need. X

Pantsomime · 04/01/2022 22:44

Sorry about this OP but it stinks. I may be naive but don’t they say even prostitutes don’t kiss as it’s way too intimate? Get an STI test to rule any nasties out, unfortunately if you have caught something you have proof he had sex with her, but your health is too important. It does sound like more has happened than he is telling you, go with your gut and get tested. Don’t forget you are in charge of your life and you deserve better than this

AsMyGranWouldSay · 04/01/2022 22:46

Oh op, you do sound torn. And there's no right answer. I guess counselling might be worth a try if you feel there is something to save and if he genuinely wants that too. Some people can get past it if they can rebuild trust but that takes time and is tough. A few years ago I'd have said it's not worth it but now I think first take time out for yourself to think about what you want to do, as long as you need.

Graphista · 04/01/2022 22:51

Bullshit they only kissed for starters!

Cheaters script - only admit to that which can be proven by others!

I reckon what's ACTUALLY happened is the affair - and the guilt - preempt the drinking!

With both issues even separately I'd say ltb but with everything? DEFINITELY ltb

I've not spoken to any one about it. I think I'm too embarrassed.

I think you're also afraid you'll hear the truth from people who know him - that it was full on cheating

Sorry but I would also advise that asap you get a full sti screening - the combo of the drinking and the cheating and her apparent brazenness in talking to you suggests to me it's highly likely safer sex is unlikely to have occurred and even with condoms not all conditions are covered anyway

@AsMyGranWouldSay I agree this is sounding like a full blown emotional involvement too affair

TheCatShatInTheHat · 04/01/2022 22:59

It's the lying I couldn't live with. I'd no longer be able to trust him, and for me that would mean the relationship was dead.

Sorry you are having to deal with this OP

Toasterandjam · 04/01/2022 23:19

Have been in a similar situation but never found out the truth. It was the lies that caused me distress, the being in limbo exactly that. It caused me a breakdown. For your own sanity, I would explain to him that its the lies and not the act itself that is causing you heartache. Explain that you can't start to repair the relationship unless you know, even if you don't. Took me ages to come to terms with it, got rid of him and managed to move on. For peace of mind, whatever you decide to do, you need to know to deal with it. And yes you probably are in shock as it doesn't sound like you ever really expected it. Its a shame that you can't speak to anyone in rl about this as it really helped me.

CheekyHobson · 04/01/2022 23:33

As you know, nobody here can add certainty to whether the affair went further than he says. So you have to weigh things up based on what you do know for certain. Which is:

  • That he has emotional or mental issues from his difficult childhood that he has never dealt with, which are affecting his adult life in negative ways (eg drinking, cheating). As an adult, he has a responsibility to himself and anyone he's in a close relationship with (ie you, his kids) to deal with his issues, as they will continue to affect him in negative ways if he doesn't. Poor coping mechanisms don't go away by themselves, they take work to clearly identify and develop new, healthier coping techniques. Does he recognise the roots of his issues and is he willing to put this work in?
  • You say he deprioritised you and your children. Has he fully acknowledged his unequal contribution to the family and taken responsibility, or is he trying to share some of the blame over to you? Was this just during the period of his affair or does this extend beyond Do you both have a clear understanding of and agreement around what would be a fair balance of time for each of you to devote to the family, each other, and personal time going forward?
  • He lied to you, multiple times. Does he fully recognise the wrongness of this and accept full responsibility for his choices? He also says he didn't "intend" for anything to happen with this woman. In light of the fact that it happened more than once, this seems to be an obviously dishonest claim. If he continues to insist that he didn't 'intend' for what happened to happen, does he recognise that he suffers from a serious lack of self-awareness? Mature adults are able to spot 'danger' situations in advance and choose different behaviours.
  • Your loss of trust is the major issue you're struggling with. Does he understand and accept the scale of what repairing this means? He may actually be telling you the truth about them not sleeping together, but does he understand and accept without anger that he cannot expect you to necessarily believe him given your knowledge that he lied to you multiple times? Does he have a plan for accountability in the future so that your trust can be rebuilt? Eg are you allowed full access to his phone and all email accounts, does he commit to answering video calls whenever you call him if he's out with friends? Can he agree to all this without resentment or saying that you are being controlling?

You said this all happened recently – how recently? Does he seem aggrieved that you are not "over it" already? Does he understand that the journey back to trust is likely to take many months at minimum and more likely years?

Pinkbonbon · 04/01/2022 23:42

I would call his bluff. Tell him you phoned her and you know everything and ask why couldn't he just have been honest with you. Then look at how he reacts.

Or, call her. Whist he is in the room (so he can't coach her on what to say).