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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Told him I felt used and now he won’t have sex with me

60 replies

EmmaDale87 · 04/01/2022 18:24

Many months ago I was seeing a man casually, we got close and spoke about a relationship which didn’t happen but he continued to come over for booty calls. Eventually I had enough and asked him if he was using me for sex as I felt like a free prostitute to him. He assured me he wasn’t and began taking me on dates and I thankfully got to see a better side to him. Well 2 months on and he won’t have sex with me often because he knows I might worry he is using me for sex if we do it a lot. I am getting annoyed that we’re now in a relationship and passed all of that but he is making an issue out of sex.
I know I know, I felt used and now I want sex, where he used to want sex and now doesn’t, can this be fixed or have I blown it?

OP posts:

Paq · 04/01/2022 18:27

He sounds like an arse. I couldn't be bothered with that.

layladomino · 04/01/2022 18:27

He is either doing this to punish you / make a point, or he is super sensitive and petrified of hurting you (although presumably you've assured him that you won't feel used, so I don't know why he would think that). Which one sounds more like him?

NowEvenBetter · 04/01/2022 18:30

Sounds like he’s blown it for being a snide, manipulative prick. Punishing a woman for having standards, or is he of extremely low intellect where he can’t understand consent?

MMmomDD · 04/01/2022 18:34

I’d give it a bit of time and see if it changes. It is early days for the ‘relationship’ phase of your relationship.

I do think you confused him and he is being over cautious.
It was casual, and continued being casual when he came for what you call ‘booty calls’. You consented - so I think it was quite cruel to accuse him of treating you like a prostitute.

Anyway - give it a bit of time and see. Continue talking and getting to know each other. This can help

Glowingsnow · 04/01/2022 18:36

What has he said about it? Assuming you addressed this with him?

LondonQueen · 04/01/2022 18:36

Get rid, he's not worth it especially if you're having problems this early on.

SunflowerTed · 04/01/2022 18:36

He’s playing games

dopple · 04/01/2022 18:37

He can't win either way then. Talk to him it's the only way to make it more clear, have you had the talk you're now in a relationship?

Eleganz · 04/01/2022 18:43

Have you talked to him about it? Does he know that your views have changed?

It is not unreasonable that he may be a bit wary of initiating sex with you when you told him only a couple of months ago that you thought he was using you for sex. Not the best start to a relationship!

Original poster

EmmaDale87 · 04/01/2022 18:49

To add I always made it clear the casual part was temporary as I wanted more and it wasn’t until I said I felt used that I started being treated better and taken on dates. When we became official I guess I assumed we would have an ordinary relationship and forget what happened beforehand. So you could be right that he’s confused, but surely in a relationship sex is important and natural therefore wouldn’t be considered a booty call situation. I do initiate it and make it clear I want us to have sex but he tends to brush me off or say he’s tired. When we do it feels rushed. He isn’t the type to punish me and he is great overall but it makes me feel worse than I did when I felt used.

OP posts:

Gildedbrooks · 04/01/2022 18:56

You're a head f*ck. Quite simply. Lots of 'I' statements about the rules you set. You've mixed your messages and this is what you get. It might be time to let this one go.

AnotherSillawithanS · 04/01/2022 18:57

Agree with gilded

Outlyingtrout · 04/01/2022 19:04

Sounds like way too much hard work this early in a relationship. I’d bin it off. It’s meant to be fun.

Outlyingtrout · 04/01/2022 19:06

I don’t think you did anything wrong btw. Having standards is a good thing. He wasn’t treating you the way you wanted (he had sex with you but didn’t invest any time). You challenged him and his behaviour changed but now he seems to either be punishing you for that or is a bit of an idiot and can’t understand what the issue was so is being “cautious”.

Original poster

EmmaDale87 · 04/01/2022 19:10

I completely respect the views that I’m in the wrong but I’m curious, if your daughters felt used because the man wouldn’t date them but wanted sex with them would you not encourage them to respect themselves and either be in a relationship to have sex or move on?

OP posts:

Pinkflask · 04/01/2022 19:11

I’d be thinking he enjoyed the sex because it felt like he was using you…

MadMadMadamMim · 04/01/2022 19:20

It feels like game playing on his part to me. Only you can tell.

I think I'd probably chuck this one back, however. For whatever reason you don't sound like you've ever been on the same page with your relationship.

ArchiePenrose · 04/01/2022 19:25

You know that thing in Friends where Phoebe is going out with the ice skater and has to convince him that sex can just be a thing in the moment and is all pleased with herself until Joey points out that the bloke got Phoebe to beg to sleep with him and to agree he never has to call her? This sounds like he's pulling a version of that.

Camembear · 04/01/2022 19:25

there’s nothing wrong with telling him how you want to be treated but if you really said “you’re using me/ treating me like a free prostitute” that might have put him off sleeping with you. He’s got feelings too, it’s perhaps a bit of a harsh way to put it?

I’m surprised you’re seeing each other still.

Original poster

EmmaDale87 · 04/01/2022 19:28

I didn’t use those exact words to him, just here to explain my feelings at the time. When I spoke to him I said I felt that he wasn’t interested in me and that’s why he didn’t want a relationship, that he got the benefits of a relationship such a sex but without the commitment and it hurt me. He apologised and we went on a date that weekend. If he is playing games to get back at me he’s also losing sex in the process.

OP posts:

Gildedbrooks · 04/01/2022 19:31

@EmmaDale87

If you were my daughter is think you were headf*cking him and tell you to pack it in and grow up.

It's not that I don't admire that you respected yourself but the fact you told him (dictated?) that the casual part was only temporary , what did you actually mean by that ? That you'd decide when the temporary period was up and then you'd either promote him to a relationship of get rid of him? Maybe that didn't help matters. Either way , you didn't get rid of him you kept him, so nows it about how you both feel, not just you. He now feels reticent about sex because you previously said he made you feel like a prostitute. Can you blame him?!

Tealtalk · 04/01/2022 19:37

His behaviour makes two words come to mind - passive aggressive

Camembear · 04/01/2022 19:49

Maybe he doesn’t want to have sex with you either now?
It’s up to him too. Men don’t want sex constantly/on demand no matter what.

Maybe he’s winding you up as others have said but to me that’s a lot of effort.

Pudmyboy · 04/01/2022 19:59

I wonder: you say you have been 'on a few dates' and it is now a relationship: have you checked he feels the same? That is, he agrees you are now a couple? This may be why he is reluctant to have sex: maybe the dates were him trying to make it up to you?
Happy to be corrected!

FabulousMrFifty · 04/01/2022 20:03

@EmmaDale87

I doubt he would be playing games as would be missing out on sex, but as others suggest he may now be “over cautious” now not to annoy you, you might have to initiate for a while

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