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Original poster

Told him I felt used and now he won’t have sex with me

60 replies

EmmaDale87 · 04/01/2022 18:24

Many months ago I was seeing a man casually, we got close and spoke about a relationship which didn’t happen but he continued to come over for booty calls. Eventually I had enough and asked him if he was using me for sex as I felt like a free prostitute to him. He assured me he wasn’t and began taking me on dates and I thankfully got to see a better side to him. Well 2 months on and he won’t have sex with me often because he knows I might worry he is using me for sex if we do it a lot. I am getting annoyed that we’re now in a relationship and passed all of that but he is making an issue out of sex.
I know I know, I felt used and now I want sex, where he used to want sex and now doesn’t, can this be fixed or have I blown it?

OP posts:

inheritancetrack · 04/01/2022 20:07

Talk to him for God's sake. Confirm you are now a couple and tell him he can have as much sex or as little as he likes.

inheritancetrack · 04/01/2022 20:08

I suspect he is not pushing for sex as a demonstration to you that the relationship is more important.

rwalker · 04/01/2022 20:14

The whole thing sounds hard work sack it off. He properly can't be arse the thing is once there's a break from sex it becomes the norm and it becomes awkward to get back to it .
It's as though you called it a day on sex and now you've decide you want it again it's back to normal doesn't work like that .

TatianaBis · 04/01/2022 20:22

can this be fixed or have I blown it?

Surely the issue is whether he has blown it with his weird behaviour?

Either he’s making a woman feel like a prostitute or he’s not having sex with her at all?

That’s weird OP.

2bazookas · 04/01/2022 20:25

Privately, you told him you felt sexually used by him, ie, he was using/abusing you for sex. One step away from non-consensual sex.

I should think he's somewhat anxious that you could go there again, and if you ever fall out he might find himself publically accused of sexual abuse, or non consensual sex.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/01/2022 20:33

@EmmaDale87

Many months ago I was seeing a man casually, we got close and spoke about a relationship which didn’t happen but he continued to come over for booty calls. Eventually I had enough and asked him if he was using me for sex as I felt like a free prostitute to him. He assured me he wasn’t and began taking me on dates and I thankfully got to see a better side to him. Well 2 months on and he won’t have sex with me often because he knows I might worry he is using me for sex if we do it a lot. I am getting annoyed that we’re now in a relationship and passed all of that but he is making an issue out of sex. I know I know, I felt used and now I want sex, where he used to want sex and now doesn’t, can this be fixed or have I blown it?

I'm well past the age of being from the "booty call" era and I just don't understand it at all, because in my day, "way back" in the mid 90s

, you just went on dates and it either progressed into more than one or two to 4 or 5 ie. a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, or it didn't progress beyond one or two cos you realised you weren't compatible and you "finished". Anyone who only came to your flat for sex and wasn't interested in you as a person or going on dates was clearly a user shitbag, but hey, what do I know, I've only been married for 20 plus years and know nothing.

But having seen the onset of online dating etc (and I am mighty glad that that wasn't around when I was young), I realise things are done another way now, but even I can see that surely the whole point of "booty calls" is that it's a two way thing? ie. you whatsapp him when you're in the mood, and same goes for him? If i'ts all one sided and either never responds when you're in the mood, or he goes quiet and doesn't responde when you ask him about his day to day life, or suggest meeting up for a drink, or to come to a family party etc, then surely anyone with an ounce of common sense can see that you're being used for sex??

WonderfulYou · 04/01/2022 21:08

Honestly it sounds like he can’t win.

This is what you asked for. He’s trying to show you that he’s respecting your feelings.

Does he reject you when you initiate sex?

grapewine · 04/01/2022 21:13

@Pudmyboy

I wonder: you say you have been 'on a few dates' and it is now a relationship: have you checked he feels the same? That is, he agrees you are now a couple? This may be why he is reluctant to have sex: maybe the dates were him trying to make it up to you? Happy to be corrected!

I wonder the same.

RantyAunty · 04/01/2022 21:16

So since that convesation, there has been no sex?

Every time you've asked him if he wanted to he said no?

todaysdilemma · 05/01/2022 00:41

Hmm has he actually said he wants to be in a relationship?

It seems like he still isn't sure how he feels about being in a relationship and knows that if he has sex with you, and then admits he doesn't want a relationship, you'll tell him he used you.

Unless he's asked you and specifically said he wants you as a gf, I would assume he hasn't made his mind up. And won't now sleep with you till he has.

windthatbobbin · 05/01/2022 00:50

I'd say the fact he changed his tune and made an effort means he did see you as more than just sex, and was doing as you wished. But sex is a delicate balance, easy to upset, unless it's easy from the off (which it was until you complicated it, albeit for a perfectly good reason).

I don't really understand the people who kneejerk into "he's a bastard" - I think it's got a bit difficult and you should both try to reset like adults before calling it quits?

Wreath21 · 05/01/2022 00:52

On one hand I think you deserve one another, both of you seem to regard sex as a competition which one of you has to lose.

On the other hand, you might be happier moving on but, before you date anyone else, decide what you actually want and make your expectations clear to the other person. Having sex without commitment doesn't mean you don't 'respect yourself' - it's better than making someone else jump through a lot of hoops before you'll have sex rather than having sex because... both of you want to have sex with each other.

ChloeCrocodile · 05/01/2022 01:05

The whole thing seems like hard work to me. If he can't understand that you don't want casual sex but do want (lots of) sex in a relationship then he really isn't worth investing any more time in tbh. It sounds like he splits women into two categories - madonna and whore. And I really could not be arsed with a man like that.

me4real · 05/01/2022 01:14

You've done nothing wrong @EmmaDale87 and not sent mixed messages- you told him how you felt, which is fine, even if it evolves.

It does seem like he's playing some sort of manipulative game, either that or he gets more turned on by using women for sex than he does by having a relationship. Or like a PP said- Madonna/whore complex.

me4real · 05/01/2022 01:17

Having sex without commitment doesn't mean you don't 'respect yourself' - it's better than making someone else jump through a lot of hoops before you'll have sex rather than having sex because... both of you want to have sex with each other.

@Wreath21 Women can be used for sex though- I definitely had it happen a lot when I was younger. Men who didn't like me but used me for shags.

It's ok to have standards of what we think is ok in a relationship of any kind/interaction, and to insist that those we date treat us well.

Fayekrista · 05/01/2022 02:22

You by your own admission (& consent) offered sex as booty calls, you've then told him he's treated you like a prostitute & want commitment. He's now terrified of making you feel like one. Poor bloke!

Wreath21 · 05/01/2022 09:58

'Being used for sex' only really happens if one person is lying. Whether the liar is the person actively trying to avoid showing the other any consideration but pretending there will be a 'relationship' in due course, or the one who is agreeing to sex in the unspoken hope that the other will suddenly 'commit' depends on the people involved.
Lots of consenting adults have amicable, intermittent, casual sex with one another and everyone is contented.

me4real · 05/01/2022 11:16

I've done all that. A lot of people end up 'catching feels,' or even if they want the sex, they also would like other things out of their relationships. None of us are solely physical beings.

@CurlyhairedAssassin I did a lot of being used for sex. Was too thick to realize it wasn't a way to win friends and influence people.

@EmmaDale87 I suppose it'll either iron itself out or it won't. He is being a bit odd. He presumably knows what being in a relationship entails (unless he hasn't had many before?) so he knows how he should treat a girlfriend and whether he's treating you right.

PP's make a good point that maybe he doesn't see it as a relationship, more like he's doing stuff with you in exchange for sex. This could be why he feels shifty, because he knows he's still using you. You need to ask him about where you stand if it hasn't been explicitly said.

I know people might say it doesn't mean anything, but are you Facebook (or whatever SM you use) official?

If you have much of a social circle, have you been introduced to any of each others' friends?

Calamitydrayne · 05/01/2022 11:21

@EmmaDale87

I completely respect the views that I’m in the wrong but I’m curious, if your daughters felt used because the man wouldn’t date them but wanted sex with them would you not encourage them to respect themselves and either be in a relationship to have sex or move on?

I'd be more concerned my daughter valued herself that little to put herself in a position like this in the first place. I might even wonder if I'd failed as a parent to teach her to have so e respect for herself.

Calamitydrayne · 05/01/2022 11:23

@Fayekrista

Precisely. She told him he could treat her like a prostitute then got offended when he did so. Classic mixed signals.

Inth3know · 05/01/2022 11:31

@Calamitydrayne
I'd be more concerned my daughter valued herself that little to put herself in a position like this in the first place. I might even wonder if I'd failed as a parent to teach her to have so e respect for herself

You sound very outdated. This is not the 1950s . Why can't a woman see a man she's attracted to just for the sex without being judged as not valuing/respecting herself? If a man does it, its fine if a woman does it then she has no respect for herself . Disgusting, outdated, sexist views.

Sally872 · 05/01/2022 11:31

Really confused at some of the posts here. OP can be happy with casual sex then after a time look for more and no longer be happy with casual sex. She communicated this to partner who had the choice of cutting ties if he only wanted casual sex or trying a relationship. That is fine and not especially unusual. Starts casual and develops into more.

OP you haven't done anything wrong. Either your partner is now being very careful with your feelings because they feel bad that you felt used in which case reassure them you don't feel like that now as part of a relationship.

Or they are throwing this in your face when they don't want to have sex. If so then tell them they don't have to make an excuse not to have sex, not in the mood is fine. However if he is trying to blame you rather than be honest that is a red flag.

Wreath21 · 05/01/2022 11:31

Thing is, if you start a casual NSA relationship (where it is agreed that this is what's going on) and one of you starts to want more - that's the problem of the person who wants more. Sometimes (though rarely) the wanting more is mutual in which case you can go ahead and do relationship together. If it's not, though, the one wanting more has no right to pressure or blame the other person.
Unrequited love is just that: unrequited. It isn't nice, but you won't die of it and it is never the other person's fault.

daisychain01 · 05/01/2022 11:36

Poor bloke.

This sort of messing about is a relationship killer from the get-go.

Whatever you did or did not intend by it, you've said the words and made the accusation, you can't unsay it and he can't unhear it.

The relationship is doomed.

inheritancetrack · 05/01/2022 11:36

Woman tells man you appear to just be using me for sex and it makes me feel like an unpaid prostitute.
Man mortified, pulls his socks up, commences treating woman well and becomes exclusive within that relationship.
Woman becomes upset when she initiates sex which he brushes off and doesn't want.
Woman completely ignores the fact she is now treating him as someone she just uses for sex because he has brushed her off.
Man upset because woman is pushing him for sex he doesn't want, and getting upset with him because she now feels rejected, rather than used.
Yes, total headfuck

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