Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I been out of order?

34 replies

CallMePsychic · 04/01/2022 10:52

DH parents live abroad. They came over to visit everyone at Christmas. DH booked tickets for the darts match in London, I have an elderly father and we have a newborn baby and I begged him not to go saying it wasn't safe as things are. He went anyway with his dad and low and behold 4 days later his dad has tested positive. I text DH as I was out when he told me and I said it was selfish that they went when we have kids and I told him not to go and that it was selfish his parents even came over at all with things as they are. I know that was out of order but I'm just so mad.
I came to get the kids and some stuff so I could go to my parents and his parents jumped down my throat shouting at me saying they are not selfish I'm the selfish one and how do I know I haven't brought it to the house from shopping, they bent over backwards for me(?) but now I can fuck off, I'm all for my parents, they didn't come to see me anyway they came to see my husband and the kids! My eldest isn't bothered about seeing them anyway as he barely knows or sees them.
I think this is the nail in the coffin for our marriage. And now I can't go back to my own house for at least 7 days and especially with a newborn I probably won't go back for longer than that. I don't want to see his parents again after tonight.
Am I out of order to be pissed off?

OP posts:
Letitsnoooow · 04/01/2022 10:59

So are they isolating in your house?

I see your point and agree they probably shouldn’t have gone under the circumstances (eg your newborn) but it’s probably not worth having a major fallout over it as the virus is everywhere at the moment and any of you could have caught it a different way.

Pearlpink · 04/01/2022 11:00

You posted this last night and you didn't like the replies you got!

IsDaveThere · 04/01/2022 11:00

Yes, I think you have been a bit out of order, sorry.

Itsbeenalongwhile · 04/01/2022 11:09

You are out of order.
Your husband is out of order.
Your in-laws are out of order.

You don't like your in-laws for whatever reason. This Covid/Darts incident brought it to a head.

Your DH should not have shown /told about what you said. How old is he? What's your marriage like. Doesn't sound great.

Your in-laws were wrong to scream at you. Shows there is some history here.
Because again all of your reactions to a positive Covid test are quite severe.

I would bet your 'D' H always tells them what you two discuss. And he doesn't have your back. So they will have this resentment towards you even if they don't say anything.

You resent them for whatever reason but it is clear from your post that you dislike them. I don't see how you can expect them not to visit?
You go shopping and maybe other places too. I guess your H goes other places too.
With how contagious Omicron is (if that's what he has)... With how Rampant Covid is now.. It was bound to come to your home one way or another.

This is not about Covid. This is about the poor relationship between you and your not DH.
Honestly, your DH sounds really horrible.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 04/01/2022 11:13

Yes Covid is everywhere but most people surely would take all precautions for a newborn not to catch it?
If a darts match is more important then no need to rush home is there?

Calamitydrayne · 04/01/2022 11:14

Truthfully the way the virus works you probably over reacted a bit. How do you know your partner didn't catch it before he left and was already an asymptomatic carrier who gave it to his father himself? That's the thing, none of us even know who we are catching it from and a large amount of cases have no symptoms anyway, so if you can't tell who's got it then you can't know how you are catching it. There are just too many unknowns, yes it may have been unwise to go however the chances are you've either already had it anyway and didn't know or you're going to get it anyway and this trip wouldn't really have made it any more or less likely.

MMmomDD · 04/01/2022 11:17

Yes, of course you are being very unreasonable.
It must be hard as it is for your H to live far away from his family in these difficult times when families have been separated and unable to visit.

And to have you throw it in his face that his family should not have visited - while you have your family within easy reach - is beyond selfish. It’s callous and shows that you lack empathy.

Your kids have two sets of grandparents - but you seem to discount your H’s parents completely. Your kids need to see their other grandparents - specifically to build a relationship with them. It doesn’t happen automatically.

I get it that you are upset and scared. Probably more so because you have a newborn. But it still doesn’t excuse your behaviour. Did you even ask or worry about your in-laws well-being? Then or since then?

I am not sure why your H decided to share your outburst with his parents. It serves no purpose but to inflame your relationship, which I am guessing has never been too close. Have you always just tolerated them?

Not sure where you go to from now. You need to get a grip and either develop some empathy and humility, and apologise. Or you can indeed start planning your divorce.

Covid has been difficult for everyone. There is no need to make it worse by being nasty to each other.
You could have just said to your H you wished they didn’t go to London. But at the same time - it is true that no one knows where your FIL got it. Could have been at any other point before.
I also question why you took the kids to your elderly parents after they have been in direct contact with someone who just tested positive.

Shoxfordian · 04/01/2022 11:21

You’re on aibu as well when everyone concluded yabu so I don’t know why you’re double posting over here

OzziePopPop · 04/01/2022 11:38

As per your other thread, LTB!!!

I’ve never said that before I don’t think…

People really need to read the OP’s other thread, even if just her posts.

Mywingshurt · 04/01/2022 11:52

Looking at this situation in isolation, yes, you're out of order.

Sounds like you've been unhappy for a while though and this pressure pot situation has been the thing that's triggered all the feelings to come tumbling out?

If leaving him were an easy option, would you do it? Do you remain with him because it's the easiest option?

BooksAndGin · 04/01/2022 11:53

Didn't you post this exact same thread in AIBU yesterday? Hmm

Original poster
CallMePsychic · 04/01/2022 12:10

Yes I posted in AIBU but a few people said to post it in here instead.
It's the fact I begged and cried with him not to go to the darts as I felt like it was asking for it. I said all along I was anxious with us having a newborn.
There is a backstory in that over the past 18 months my sister died suddenly, mum is being tested for cancer, I had hyperemesis and my husband didn't support me at all he just said I was using it as an excuse to be lazy and went abroad twice while I was pregnant, I had severe PND and was almost admitted to a mother and baby unit and then his parents came to stay and he made me feel like shit for not giving them our bed when my baby was a few weeks old. We got on ok until I had my eldest and when we went to see them (at the time he was 4 months old) they wanted to drag him out to bars and restaurants while they got drunk until 4am and I didn't like it. It just went downhill from there.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 04/01/2022 12:14

They've come over to see their grandchild, which necessarily required visiting you. And combined it with a darts trip organised by your husband, not by them. If they've taken all the necessary precautions - mask wearing, LFTs etc - then they have done their best to make things as safe as possible in the circumstances. You called them selfish, they called you selfish back, tit for tat.
If you are not getting on with your dh then that's reason enough to move out/break up. Probably better just to focus on that and leave his parents out of it. Sounds like they are hardly ever around anyway.

Sharpie0870 · 04/01/2022 12:16

Was literally about to say the same.

Bel1991 · 04/01/2022 12:17

I can understand why you're feeling this way. It's scary and you're hon is to be protective and I can see why you feel like this hasn't been supported.

It's a shame that it's impacting your family relationships so hugely but I do understand your feelings and your point of view.

LondonWolf · 04/01/2022 12:18

@Pearlpink

You posted this last night and you didn't like the replies you got!
Yes, because they were vicious and OP was advised to post in relationships. Don’t drag that nastiness into this one too!
LondonWolf · 04/01/2022 12:19

@Shoxfordian

You’re on aibu as well when everyone concluded yabu so I don’t know why you’re double posting over here
No “everyone” didn’t at all Hmm

Plenty were disgusted by the berating of a mother of a newborn who is clearly in an abusive relationship and so OP was advised to get it deleted and re-post here. Let’s not misrepresent and prevent OP from getting the help she needs here in “relationships” too…

Bel1991 · 04/01/2022 12:20

@CallMePsychic

Yes I posted in AIBU but a few people said to post it in here instead. It's the fact I begged and cried with him not to go to the darts as I felt like it was asking for it. I said all along I was anxious with us having a newborn. There is a backstory in that over the past 18 months my sister died suddenly, mum is being tested for cancer, I had hyperemesis and my husband didn't support me at all he just said I was using it as an excuse to be lazy and went abroad twice while I was pregnant, I had severe PND and was almost admitted to a mother and baby unit and then his parents came to stay and he made me feel like shit for not giving them our bed when my baby was a few weeks old. We got on ok until I had my eldest and when we went to see them (at the time he was 4 months old) they wanted to drag him out to bars and restaurants while they got drunk until 4am and I didn't like it. It just went downhill from there.
It sounds like you've had/ have a lot going on for you. Maybe you could seek some counselling to get through it all. Maybe you could consider relationship counselling or individual at least. All the best
Original poster
CallMePsychic · 04/01/2022 13:17

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
RoyKentsChestHair · 04/01/2022 13:25

Ok, so YABU about him going to darts, which was the question you asked. Covid is everywhere and unless you’re CEV and shielding etc then people are going to have to start living with it the same way we do with flu, taking sensible precautions like hand washing and staying home when clearly unwell but not living a life frightened behind closed doors.

However this is clearly not about the darts per se, but the final straw after your H has been utterly shit to you during a really difficult time.

LTB for that stuff, he sounds awful.

AlternativePerspective · 04/01/2022 13:31

Yes I posted in AIBU but a few people said to post it in here instead. no they didn’t. People said to post here about your relationship as it is. The fact your DH went abroad while you had HG, wanted you to give up your bed for his parents 3 weeks post birth, complains he doesn’t get enough sex.

The darts incident is a red herring here. You need to leave that out if you post about your relationship in general because people will automatically gravitate towards that and the bigger picture will be lost.

Original poster
CallMePsychic · 04/01/2022 13:40

@AlternativePerspective Ahh ok. I assumed they meant to copy and paste. I'll do a post in a while about our relationship.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 04/01/2022 13:46

OP you might even consider contacting your inlaws and apologising for getting angry with them; say that you've had a lot of stress in your relationship lately and were letting it out on the wrong people. Otherwise your dh may milk everything he can out of you not being friendly to them. When actually it sounds like he was the one wanting them to have your bed?

Why do you think you are focusing on your inlaws rather than on your husband?

Original poster
CallMePsychic · 04/01/2022 15:04

I didn't get angry directly with them I was angry about the whole situation and said to DH they had been selfish for even coming (which I know I shouldn't be I was fuming) and he read out the messages to them. As soon as I walked through the door they were fired up and shouting at me.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 04/01/2022 15:28

It honestly sounds like you've walked into a trap he's set for you.
Don't give him any further ammunition.