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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner says “I don’t like you”

30 replies

Gogo11 · 04/01/2022 10:36

Been together very up and down for over 10 years. Lately this keeps coming up doesn’t like me.. I am 11 weeks and would rather stay away. He cheated this time last year so when he’s off I do throw her name out and he gets so defensive is it guilt or he misses her?

Any advice is appreciated thank you xx

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 04/01/2022 10:38

You are pregnant with him after he cheated, and he continues to openly tell you he doesn’t like you? What are you doing?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/01/2022 10:38

Well 12 weeks ago I'd have said don't bring a baby into this mess... As it is, if you intend to keep baby, don't let them grow up in this mess. Imagine growing up with your Dad constantly saying he dislikes your Mom and your Mom throwing his latest affair back at him.

I'd break the relationship now and give yourself time to get back on your feet before baby comes

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/01/2022 10:44

Are you now 11 weeks pregnant?.

If so I would give this child your surname rather than his and be prepared also to raise this child without him being involved day to day. Stay away from him, its been up and down for over 10 years because you two should not be together at all. Its not working and infact never has worked because its totally dysfunctional. He is also a cheat and such men do not change.

TeeBee · 04/01/2022 10:44

Oh yikes, get rid of him now. Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't like you??! Life is waaaay too short for that shit.

TheFoundation · 04/01/2022 10:45

he gets so defensive is it guilt or he misses her

Do you really think the question here is 'why does he get defensive'?

The question is 'Why are you together?'

Why are you together?

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 04/01/2022 10:50

You are pregnant with a man who doesn't like you, after he cheated on you.

Forget him and what's going on in his head. Get your sense of respect back. You deserve better. Leave.

MerryChristmas21 · 04/01/2022 10:54

Sorry, but I agree with everyone else. why are you pregnant to him?

But given you are, it's time to get your shut sorted. Move out, find a small place for you & the baby. Be done with this car crash.

Original poster
Gogo11 · 04/01/2022 10:58

Op here, I have been stupid enough to go back and hence pregnant now. I don’t want my baby to be around this at all I’m no way perfect either, I can’t help arguing when he’s off. And now I have to put my baby first and grow up- thank you for all responding so quickly , I always said it’s like it’s worse when you know, when you have that little voice of reason and you end up reasoning yourself it’s wrong 😑

OP posts:
Original poster
Gogo11 · 04/01/2022 11:00

Thank you I already moved back to my mums yesterday not best environment but it’s a calm one so no arguing.

OP posts:
Jessie75 · 04/01/2022 11:01

You’re gonna be stuck with a man who doesn’t like you for 18 years a hell of a sentence OP

GiantHaystacks2021 · 04/01/2022 11:09

Oh dear.

If it was me, I'd have a termination.

Do not put his name on the birth cert.

Jessie75 · 04/01/2022 11:10

@GiantHaystacks2021 I wasn’t sure whether to say it or not before I hundred percent agree with you I presume you’re a young woman because you’ve gone back to your moms not back to your own house that you have all set up ready for you in the baby.

You won’t believe this now you won’t because I wouldn’t of but one day you’re gonna meet a man who is going to cherish you and the children that you to have together and by keeping the baby of a man who doesn’t even like you you make your own life harder and you make it harder to meet that man who would be an excellent father to your children and a husband to you.

Original poster
Gogo11 · 04/01/2022 12:25

I’d love to be a mum but I am thinking it could be best especially for the baby. I am 31 so feel this is my last chance to be a mum Can I ask why keeping he’s name off certificate helps me? I don’t want to deprive anyone of their family nor do I want to be stuck with he’s judging comments and being a part of my life because I have he’s baby. He’s parents now know I am pregnant and I feel even worse

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 04/01/2022 12:31

Glad you arr out sounds toxic.

Give the baby your surname.. the keep.him off the bc means he doesn't have pr... give it time before making any decisions on that one.

He isn't a great partner but no indication from your post he doesn't want to ne a good dad although only you know that.

Jessie75 · 04/01/2022 12:42

@Gogo11 my love you’re 31 not 41 so much good stuff is gonna happen to you over the next five years this is not your only chance to be a mum. I’m not trying to talk you into an abortion I’m really not because as I say I would not listen to your age absolutely not however. All I would to say to you is I had children with a man who did not deserve my kids and then basically used to the children as a stick to beat me with and he will have that stick for another 11 years and uses it every other weekend without fail.

Now whilst I am not saying I would send my child back now obviously I wouldn’t he’s here now if I could go back in time my life would be so much easier if I hadn’t gone ahead with the pregnancy.

If you have this baby you can pretty much forget dating for the next two years that takes you up to 33, The chances of you then meeting a nice man who’ll take on your child as well as you is not impossible but it just limit your options significantly. You’re just making it harder for you to have a family as opposed to just you and little one against the world.

This person does not deserve to have your eggs and to have your child, that’s the way I’d be looking at it, save yourself and your future children for a man that deserves you all.

layladomino · 04/01/2022 12:51

31 is still very young and absolutely not your last chance to have a baby. But that aside, you are much better off away from him. Who wants a partner who has an affair then regularly tells you he doesn't like you? Your relationship didn't stand a chance and you've done the right thing.

Please don't give the baby his surname. So often people think it's the 'done thing' but it makes no sense to do so.

DPotter · 04/01/2022 16:04

Giving the baby your surname makes things a little easier for things like consenting to medical treatments, travelling abroad, not having to explain the situation all the time to people you don't know and don't want to share with.

Your DP could still be on the birth certificate and hence have automatic parental responsibility. It's worth knowing that the tradition is that babies have their mothers surname; it's only because most babies used to be born to married parents that the babies had their father's name. If he wants to be on the birth certificate he has to be present when the baby is registered and he can't register the baby without you there, whereas married fathers can.

2Gen · 04/01/2022 16:21

@Gogo11

I’d love to be a mum but I am thinking it could be best especially for the baby. I am 31 so feel this is my last chance to be a mum Can I ask why keeping he’s name off certificate helps me? I don’t want to deprive anyone of their family nor do I want to be stuck with he’s judging comments and being a part of my life because I have he’s baby. He’s parents now know I am pregnant and I feel even worse
My son is not my husband's so to say you would never meet a decent man if you keep this baby is just not true. I would just make sure the father's name is not on the Birth Cert., that way you can cut him out of your life entirely. Make the appointment to register the birth without telling him. That's what I did and not only did I not regret keeping my baby and did meet a decent man, my DH, I regard having my son as the best thing I ever did!
2Gen · 04/01/2022 16:26

Keeping the father's name off the Birth Cert. means he will have no legal claim on your child and you can cut him off entirely, preventing him from abusing you anymore AND protects your child from his potential negative influence!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 16:29

Please tell me you're not even considering giving the baby his last name?

moremoony · 04/01/2022 16:38

If I was in your position I think I’d have to terminate and do it quickly before it’s too far along. What an awful situation for you to be in. It’s got to be better than being tied to this arsehole for the rest of your life. You can then build yourself back up and go do a course or new job somewhere new and build a new life

LightSpeeds · 04/01/2022 16:39

@Gogo11

I’d love to be a mum but I am thinking it could be best especially for the baby. I am 31 so feel this is my last chance to be a mum Can I ask why keeping he’s name off certificate helps me? I don’t want to deprive anyone of their family nor do I want to be stuck with he’s judging comments and being a part of my life because I have he’s baby. He’s parents now know I am pregnant and I feel even worse
It sounds like the right thing to do to move away from him -- the relationship sounds very unhealthy and I'd be very surprised if you could recover it. Just concentrate on you and your baby.

I'd also recommend keeping his name off the birth certificate and not giving the baby his surname. You'll regret if if he turns into a complete arse - well, he already sounds like a complete arse but I wouldn't be surprised if he also starts causing 'trouble', which many many men do in this sort of situation. I've been there myself! (You can always add his name to the birth certificate at a later date if he turns out to be responsible.)

Good luck!

SocialConnection · 04/01/2022 16:51

He doesn't like you

He cheated on you because he would rather be with someone else

For some reason you got back together again and conceived.

He still doesn't like you - you know this because he's off with you

You don't like him because he cheated and you will never forgive and forget (and why should you?)

Space away from him is probably your best bet.

And for both of you the only chance to ever be with people you actually like, let alone love.

And for your baby not to have to grow up witnessing a toxic loveless partnership.

Looks like you've done the best thing for all three of you.

Jessie75 · 04/01/2022 16:52

I didn’t say it was impossible but you’re certainly decreasing the pool in which your fishing in to say the least.

Jessie75 · 04/01/2022 16:53

Sorry that comment was @2Gen