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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP called me a C*nt and said me and DD need to leave?

75 replies

JamieTartt · 04/01/2022 08:39

It started with a silly argument because he couldn't find his jeans and I said in jest well I won't sort your clothes anymore.

This spiralled (mainly him, I was slack jaw comforting poor DD) to him calling me insane, a cunt, telling me that me and DD had to move out. Things are a bit tricky to sort today as DD is at home and I don't want to frighten her.
I'm thinking I take her uniform etc to my mum's house and my work stuff for tomorrow and sleep there tonight. It's not a long term fix as not enough beds. But MIL is MIL is on holiday for a fortnight so I'm hoping she will let me house sit for those days and by that time I will have a clearer picture what is going on?

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 18:18

How are you doing OP?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 04/01/2022 18:55

The exact language is neither here nor there, some people have a potty mouth.

Swearing is one thing. Calling names is a step too far, especially one that most women find so offensive.

NowEvenBetter · 04/01/2022 19:25

It does matter that they’re not married, OP has zero legal protections, the only one she has is co-owning a house with the piece of shit boyfriend. So yeah, neither one can kick the other out, it it means she’s stuck with a house to sell and about to bring another kid into this hellscape.

Chloemol · 04/01/2022 19:25

If you jointly own tell him he has to move out

MadMadMadamMim · 04/01/2022 19:42

That would be the end of the relationship for me. I would not tolerate being spoken to like that - particularly in front of a 4 year old child.

It's disgusting and I'd never be able to let him near me again. The fact that you were comforting your child whilst he was telling you that both you and she had to move out the house tells everyone what an abusive and unpleasant man he is. How frightening and damaging for a child to have her father behave like that in front of her.

If you stay together it will affect her badly.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 04/01/2022 23:54

@NearlyAHoarder Well I have Nearly. A man who is abusive in the way he speaks to you, and the foul language he uses, can be told that his language and behaviour is not acceptable, as long as he is not abusive by using physical violence. I think that I made it very clear in my post that she should only do anything I suggested if her partner is not physically violent.

Are you suggesting Nearly, that we should never tell our partners what is and isn't acceptable incase they suddenly turn into violent thugs? Unfortunately, those who use violence as a way of communicating, will usually (there will always be exceptions) show their true colours without their partner ever having actually done anything "wrong". So yes, unless an abusive partner is known to, or looks likely to, be leading up to physical violence, I still believe in not rolling over on my back and waving my four legs in the air!

Original poster

JamieTartt · 05/01/2022 10:23

I think the relationship is over. He wouldn't speak to me at all yesterday or this morning. If I walked in a room he would walk out. I'm feeling very upset and fragile. It was literally a throw a way comment. And the ironic thing is I did ironing and laundry for him yesterday out of habit.

OP posts:

pointythings · 05/01/2022 11:47

The relationship is definitely over, but that doesn't mean you have to leave the house. You two need to disentangle your finances like adults and sort out care of your DD.

You'll be better off without this man in the long run.

Pantsomime · 05/01/2022 11:54

This is very sad but he can’t take back what he has said and you should not forget it either. Go and see a solicitor and start planning how you separate - he sounds awful

moremoony · 05/01/2022 12:00

Go see a solicitor. He can’t demand that you leave. If he wants the relationship to be over then he needs to go. Is the house owned or rented? Have you sat down and worked out if you can afford the house on your own? Don’t do anymore cleaning or cooking for him!!

moremoony · 05/01/2022 12:00

the fact he’s kicked off like this over a small comment means he’s been looking for an excuse to end the relationship

toomuchlaundry · 05/01/2022 14:00

Is there a reason you didn’t get married, has that been a joint decision?

Original poster

JamieTartt · 05/01/2022 14:06

@toomuchlaundry

Is there a reason you didn’t get married, has that been a joint decision?

Because his parents divorced a few years ago and we were waiting for the dust to settle. He gets very anxious about his parents. This hurts so much. 10 years down the drain.

OP posts:

Walking4You · 05/01/2022 14:13

@JamieTartt

It's pretty normal for you to feel fragile just now. With one comment, he has just thrown away many years of living together and building a life together.

But as you say, it looks like there is no going back and nothing to save from his behaviour :(

The one thing I would say is do NOT take an decision in a rush without proper legal advice.
You own the house with him so have as much right to stay as he is, actually more because this is also the house of your child and your unborn child. Don't just leave to make things easaier for you just now when it's going to make to much harder for you in long run.
Just as hard as ir is, You need some legal advice on how to proceed. It will feel very final but you need to remember this is ONLY advice and you can still decide to take a different route depending how things evolve. What it woud do is to help you ensure you are not getting the shit end of the stick iyswim. You need to do for yourself but also for your two dcs!

KittenCatcher · 05/01/2022 14:53

Phone your mum, tell her he has told you and dd to leave and can you stay at hers, what do you think mil would suggest if she knew. report him for abuse, you are scared of him, he has made you homeless, you have a young child and are pregnant. Gather up as much financial info as you can find, bank statements, credit cards, utility bills, council tax bill, mortgage, passports, medical cards.

KittenCatcher · 05/01/2022 14:59

I would ask your mum to come over to yours for the day, she can witness his childish tantrum, could she stay with you, that might encourage him to stay at his mums.

Jaguar77 · 05/01/2022 15:11

It never gets any better.
Pack a bag and go.

Tiredtiredtired100 · 05/01/2022 15:22

Personally I would tell him to leave

Tulipsandviolets · 08/01/2022 22:55

Op did you have a exit plan he sounds vile

Greenfields124 · 08/01/2022 23:03

He should he the one leaving.
Hes abusive he can leave.
You deserve so much more.

faithfulbird20 · 08/01/2022 23:07

He sounds abusive. Avoid him in the house but don't move out since you both own it. Why has he got dd involved in this?

Tulipsandviolets · 09/01/2022 22:44

Agree getting as much financial assistance as you can debit card's bill's

Tulipsandviolets · 16/01/2022 09:09

Hi OP was just checking in to see if all OK

LolaJune · 16/01/2022 13:17

Why on earth are you even considering leaving?

It's YOUR house (jointly) and your daughter (and unborn child) are his children. He doesn't get to just turf you all out on his say so.

I thought you were going to say the house belonged to him and your daughter wasn't his!

Laugh in his face and tell him he can fuck off to his own mother's. Don't go anywhere.

Queenie6655 · 16/01/2022 13:23

This man is vile

What has happened since?

Classic abuser gets going with it all and ramps it up in pregnancy!!!!!

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