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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP called me a C*nt and said me and DD need to leave?

75 replies

JamieTartt · 04/01/2022 08:39

It started with a silly argument because he couldn't find his jeans and I said in jest well I won't sort your clothes anymore.

This spiralled (mainly him, I was slack jaw comforting poor DD) to him calling me insane, a cunt, telling me that me and DD had to move out. Things are a bit tricky to sort today as DD is at home and I don't want to frighten her.
I'm thinking I take her uniform etc to my mum's house and my work stuff for tomorrow and sleep there tonight. It's not a long term fix as not enough beds. But MIL is MIL is on holiday for a fortnight so I'm hoping she will let me house sit for those days and by that time I will have a clearer picture what is going on?

OP posts:
dworky · 04/01/2022 09:29

The parent with the child gets to stay in the family home, tell him he needs to find somewhere else to live.

What an absolute prick.

Original poster
JamieTartt · 04/01/2022 09:30

Now taking DD to soft play. Joy of Joys. Will answer some questions when she is settled.

OP posts:
Brigante9 · 04/01/2022 09:32

Wtf? He can leave, you are going on maternity short. He can stay at his mum’s. If you aren’t in physical danger, don’t leave the house.

girlmom21 · 04/01/2022 09:34

He can go. Put a claim in for UC.

KimmyKimdoo · 04/01/2022 09:38

This is dreadful. Stay put!!! He can go.

Original poster
JamieTartt · 04/01/2022 09:40

DD is four and a half. He is normally fairly easy going but there are days when its like he is looking for an argument. When I was newly pregnant he fell out with me because I had to leave his grandparents (I visit them twice a week) to drive my mum home from the hospital following surgery. I see much more of his family than he does.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 09:43

When I was newly pregnant he fell out with me because I had to leave his grandparents (I visit them twice a week) to drive my mum home from the hospital following surgery.

How on earth did he justify this?! He wanted you to stay for longer with his grandparents, who you see regularly, rather than drive your mum home after surgery. I mean... he's horrible OP.

And like I said, I also think it's clear he sees his child as your responsibility, an extension of you, rather than feeling genuine parental love for her. He sees her as a package deal with you, so in his head if you go she goes. He cares that little about her.

Did she witness any of this? Poor little thing.

rubyglitter · 04/01/2022 09:45

@JamieTartt He is normally fairly easy going but there are days when its like he is looking for an argument. When I was newly pregnant he fell out with me because I had to leave his grandparents (I visit them twice a week) to drive my mum home from the hospital following surgery. I see much more of his family than he does.

Why do you have to visit his grandparents every week, let alone twice a week?? That’s his responsibility. Is there a reason why you see his family more than you see yours? It’s not normal to fall out with your DP because they leave a family visit early so they can help their own dm. He sounds controlling. He needs to leave. Ask a family member or friend to stay with you whilst you tell your partner to leave.

UniversalAunt · 04/01/2022 09:51

Your home, your child’s home, you are pregnant, you are a legal Co-owner - YOU STAY PUT!

First of all, you work to rule.
The rule is you work entirely for yourself & you own benefit, AND that extends to those that you choose to live & care for, e.g. you child, your unborn child, your mother etc. Those that abuse you are off the VIP guest list.

Only do stuff for his family if it directly benefits you, does it make you happier, fulfilled & suit your purpose.So if you really enjoy having lunch at PILs, that’ll be fine - thank you very much. If it means going round to do the shopping & laundry, & it tires you out & you feel like a drudge, stop doing it.

Why do you visit his grandparents twice a week?
Are you good friends or are you an unpaid carer?

He can go stay with your MiL or his grandparents.
You need to trust your inner barometer of obligation & guilt.

Rosepot · 04/01/2022 09:53

He sounds horrible. My ex put me out with my new born and it was really traumatic at the time but he done me a huge favour. I've since got a council house with a nice school nearby. I do all parenting by myself and he has access when he wants it. We actually get on OK financially (he offers no support) I'm not a high earner, I have to work part time. What I'm telling you is that you can do this yourself. Your daughter is still young enough for you to move out without it having life changing drastic disruptions. If she has to change school it will have the least impact NOW as oppose to a few years down the line. We have a benefits and support system in place to support people in your position. Take advantage of it and have no shame in it. If your wages are low UC will make up the short fall. They also pay 85% of your childcare. I'm telling you from experience. I am so much happier now.

Have you a sister or mum who would be your birthing partner? They'd be so much better than a man who calls you a cunt.

I often think how my life would have turned out if I was still with my ex and it would have been a life of low self esteem and misery. My child would probably have been raised to think little of me too.

BoudecaBains · 04/01/2022 09:58

You refer to him as DP, are you married.

Topseyt · 04/01/2022 09:59

@JamieTartt

DD is four and a half. He is normally fairly easy going but there are days when its like he is looking for an argument. When I was newly pregnant he fell out with me because I had to leave his grandparents (I visit them twice a week) to drive my mum home from the hospital following surgery. I see much more of his family than he does.
Why is it your responsibility to see HIS family? Stop that one right now! He should be going himself.

You had much more of a moral duty towards your own mother in the example you gave.

I'm now definitely leaning towards saying that you should be pushing him to leave, and soon.

Dsisproblem · 04/01/2022 10:09

Do not leave. He can leave.

Dsisproblem · 04/01/2022 10:09

@Dsisproblem

Do not leave. He can leave.
Unless you think you are unsafe. I meant to add that.
Calamitydrayne · 04/01/2022 10:13

Definitely don't leave the house unless you genuinely do not feel safe. You both own the house, he can't just kick you out.

Sundancerintherain · 04/01/2022 10:18

He has had his head turned, I'd bet my arse on it.
Are you married op ?
If the answer is no are you on the mortgage?

TerraNovaTwo · 04/01/2022 10:18

This a classic case of financial abuse and control ( psychological abuse ) Angry

Please keep posting, OP, so we can help advise you. Please contact women's aid for support. Do you have any reliable family and friends you can confide in and go to for support? You and your DD deserve so so so much better than this! Flowers

Original poster
JamieTartt · 04/01/2022 10:23

We aren't married. We have been together since we were teenagers.
I'm worried about how it is going to be tonight and don't want DD to be in a horrible atmosphere again.

OP posts:
HomeTheatreSystem · 04/01/2022 10:33

It does seem that there is a history of controlling and unreasonable behaviours but it may take a while for you to see them for what they really are. Certainly this is not a healthy environment for you or your children.

If you are not married, then it is easy enough for you to end the relationship. You may need to seek legal support to force the sale of the house, or to make him buy you out. Owning a property might make it difficult for you to get support with housing. Alternatively, if you can afford to live there and meet the outgoings you can, as a victim of domestic abuse, apply for an occupation order which would give you rather than him the right to stay in the family home.
I would also contact Womens Aid for advice and do a little online research into the various types of domestic abuse and see whether anything more has happened that would fall into those categories. There's also a very good book by Lundy Bancroft called "Why does He Do That?" It might help you see him for who he really is:
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf
Just a word of warning: if you do establish that he's abusive, do not make the mistake of seeking relationship counselling as a couple. He will only weaponise it against you in the future.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 04/01/2022 11:12

You both own the house. He is the father to your DD and the baby you are expecting. It doesn't matter one jot that you are not married, as he is the father to your DC. He does not get to kick you out of the house, it wouldn't matter if he were a multi-millionaire and you were completely broke, no family court would have you and your children made homeless while he, a man on his own, lives in the jointly owned family home.

Unless you have a very real fear that he could turn violent, please do not leave the family home for even a night or two. He can stay at his mum's if he doesn't want to be in the same house as you, but just as he can't kick you out, unless he is physically abusive to you or your DD, you can't kick him out either. You can however, tell him he is sleeping in the spare room if you have one, or the sofa if you don't. If possible have your mum, or a good friend come and stay with you for a few nights (you can share your double bed with them). I doubt very much that your (hopefully you choose to be) ex would cause much of a rumpus in front of a witness, but if he does, you would have a witness.

If you know that he does have a physically violent personality then do take your DD to your mum's tonight, but (and you and other mumnetters might think this is ott, but it isn't) please go via your local police station and tell them that you are taking your DCren away from your and their home, because of your ex's intimidation, and threats, if he has made any. If you have any horrible texts etc from your ex please keep them and take screen shots of them, and if possible forward them to someone you trust as well! There needs to be proof that you didn't leave the family home because you wanted to.

OP, I feel so sorry for you and your DD, but please do not just accept that you have to do what your ex says, please stand your ground, but again on the proviso that it isn't dangerous to do so. If your ex has calmed down, and or doesn't want the hassle of him having to move out, pay maintenance etc, and if you don't want him to go (for some reason), please lay down some strict rules of your own, including him never raising his voice in front of your DD, never verbally abusing you, ever, and him being willing to go to counselling with you. 💐

NearlyAHoarder · 04/01/2022 11:18

Id report his threats to the police. If you arent able for that talk to womens aid. He needs to know you wont be bullird or he will bully you more.

NearlyAHoarder · 04/01/2022 11:20

@TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek

You both own the house. He is the father to your DD and the baby you are expecting. It doesn't matter one jot that you are not married, as he is the father to your DC. He does not get to kick you out of the house, it wouldn't matter if he were a multi-millionaire and you were completely broke, no family court would have you and your children made homeless while he, a man on his own, lives in the jointly owned family home.

Unless you have a very real fear that he could turn violent, please do not leave the family home for even a night or two. He can stay at his mum's if he doesn't want to be in the same house as you, but just as he can't kick you out, unless he is physically abusive to you or your DD, you can't kick him out either. You can however, tell him he is sleeping in the spare room if you have one, or the sofa if you don't. If possible have your mum, or a good friend come and stay with you for a few nights (you can share your double bed with them). I doubt very much that your (hopefully you choose to be) ex would cause much of a rumpus in front of a witness, but if he does, you would have a witness.

If you know that he does have a physically violent personality then do take your DD to your mum's tonight, but (and you and other mumnetters might think this is ott, but it isn't) please go via your local police station and tell them that you are taking your DCren away from your and their home, because of your ex's intimidation, and threats, if he has made any. If you have any horrible texts etc from your ex please keep them and take screen shots of them, and if possible forward them to someone you trust as well! There needs to be proof that you didn't leave the family home because you wanted to.

OP, I feel so sorry for you and your DD, but please do not just accept that you have to do what your ex says, please stand your ground, but again on the proviso that it isn't dangerous to do so. If your ex has calmed down, and or doesn't want the hassle of him having to move out, pay maintenance etc, and if you don't want him to go (for some reason), please lay down some strict rules of your own, including him never raising his voice in front of your DD, never verbally abusing you, ever, and him being willing to go to counselling with you. 💐

You cant tell an abusive man anything.

"Tell him to sleep in the spare room".

Right.

🙄

endofthelinefinally · 04/01/2022 11:38

I know he can't kick you out of the house OP, but safety is paramount here. If there is any risk of violence, leaving to a place of safety, having got all your legal documents safely in your possession, is the best course of action.
Do you have a joint bank account? If so you need advice from the bank before he empties it. This type of abusive man is always a few steps ahead.
What about bills, council tax etc?
Check your house insurance. There is often free legal advice included. They may not be the most suitable lawyers, but it is worth checking.

felulageller · 04/01/2022 16:55

This is domestic abuse. Call the police and have them remove him. Contact women's aid to get advice on your legal options. Only leave your home as an absolute last resort.

Walking4You · 04/01/2022 17:27

@JamieTartt have you manage to find a good laywer where you live?

How is everything going tonight?

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