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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend feeling left out in social situations

48 replies

justanothermanicmonday21 · 03/01/2022 17:59

We've been together a few years, we recently went to stay with my family over Xmas and he spent a lot of the time in a bad mood, he felt like I was blanking him, talking to everyone else but not having a laugh and joke with him, it kind of ruined the trip tbh as I felt like I spent a lot of the time trying to make up with him and justify myself.

I was a bit distant with him but because I could sense his mood, he kept sending me messages when in company saying you laugh at .... but not me etc and I just find it really bizarre needy behaviour and it gets my back up and pushes me away. He thinks I don't act the same around him when we are with others. Obviously I act a bit differently with others as in a group the dynamics are a bit different. I wouldn't say I left him out but I can see sometimes convos would be family related and he might of struggled with the convo however he doesn't ask questions and get involved either. He's had a crap time recently with his own children which I think hasn't helped so maybe why he felt a bit like he needed extra attention and I guess I didn't do this but I also want him to understand I hadn't seen my family in ages and wanted to catch up and all have a nice time together. He wasn't intentionally left out and no one was rude.

When we are with his family they talk about in things and obv I ask questions to get upto speed and get involved but he doesn't seem to do this.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 03/01/2022 18:02

He behaved like a spoilt child. He wanted all your attention in a social situation and kicked off when he did not get it.
I would not want anyone like that in my life. It's a red flag

LiterallyKnowsBest · 04/01/2022 04:21

Oh no … That does sound concerningly immature. A properly grown up partner should rejoice in all the different versions of you - and be happy to take a tiny step back when you visit your family. Particularly when you don’t see them often.

He actually sent you messages in real time, chastising you? Xmas Confused That’s a whole other level of stupid.

I’m afraid this man is well on the road to holding you back. Clearly he feels you’re growing away from him. I think you’d be well advised to grow your way out of the door …

sweetbellyhigh · 04/01/2022 04:27

Hard to say. The way you describe it makes him sound needy and immature but if it is you and your family enjoying in jokes and family gossip for three days and he is clearly on the outer well I can understand why he would feel low.

Not cool to be texting you during the occasion though, that really is rude.

StinkyBumFartyBaby · 04/01/2022 04:36

My exh used to do this. It was his way of telling me that he was more important than anyone else and woe betide me if I forgot that. Horrible behaviour.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2022 04:42

FFS, get rid of this suffocating loser. His only goal is to drag you down

LiterallyKnowsBest · 04/01/2022 04:44

Why on earth should someone ‘feel low’ simply because they’re not the centre of attention for a few days in this context?

The OP has said she makes an effort when they visit the partner’s family. I bet she’s not sending him pathetic messages complaining about him enjoying himself.

I’m perfectly sure he wasn’t always like this, or the OP would never have bothered with him in the first place. He’s becoming a needy drag on her energy because she’s growing away from him.

Pinkbonbon · 04/01/2022 05:22

Potentially the beginnings of controlling behaviour.
You aren't allowed to pay attention to anyone but him so he will throw strops to make it uncomfortable for you to spend time with other important people in your life. Controlling sorts slso like to ruin holidays because they don't like things not being all about them.

Either way though, cut this one loose.

sweetbellyhigh · 04/01/2022 05:23

@LiterallyKnowsBest

Why on earth should someone ‘feel low’ simply because they’re not the centre of attention for a few days in this context?

The OP has said she makes an effort when they visit the partner’s family. I bet she’s not sending him pathetic messages complaining about him enjoying himself.

I’m perfectly sure he wasn’t always like this, or the OP would never have bothered with him in the first place. He’s becoming a needy drag on her energy because she’s growing away from him.

You're perfectly sure? 😂

MN is hilarious.

Very spirited show of support 👏

workingtheusername · 04/01/2022 06:48

If you and family completely ignored him for several days or your family dislike him and deliberately leave him out then I could understand him feeling put out. Other than that he sounds quite possessive like he doesn't want you giving attention to others. Is he possessive in other ways, wanting to know where you are or checking up on you etc? Or does he struggle socially and expect you to manage that? These would all be red flags for me.

Original poster
justanothermanicmonday21 · 04/01/2022 07:26

No my family all like him and get on with him, my children were there also who all like him and he was not left out, there was only one time when visiting another family member when he walked off and didn't get in the car saying there wouldn't be room when I was making space and pulling out the extra boot seat of the car. I didn't argue with him about it and just let him go back as he was obv in a bad mood. He then went back to other family members and sat in the bedroom alone, he moaned when I got back saying I had chosen to take my brother and it was always meant to be us going, I said why would he assume my brother also wouldn't be going since it was our mum we were seeing.

I am not sugar coating and there would of been times like I said we were talking about stuff he wouldn't know for example looking at holidays and my family were talking about a holiday we had been on when we were kids - but instead of asking about it and involving himself he just sits there grumpy, he actually walked outside at one point which caused a family member to ask what was wrong with him. She then made effort when he came back in to talk to him but he is just very yes no and no conversation. I try to involve him when the convo is like this saying oh we do this and looking at him and he would turn away, once he is in the mood it just becomes awkward.

He is not a confident person I wouldn't say but he does make convo with family when I am not there just fine but when I am there he goes quiet - later saying I'm not myself round him when others are there. I am quite shy myself, I am always quieter in a bigger group and my brother quite often dominated the convo not in a horrible way but he is just a really chatty bubbly person and I feel he is annoyed with this a lot of the time and he has admitted before he is a bit jealous of my relationship with my brother.

I do go to my brother about a lot of things - he has recently helped me financially a little with Xmas and partner is annoyed, I didn't ask my brother just speaking to him about being stressed etc generally and he transferred me money and said not to worry about it. I know partner has been worried about money also near to Xmas with work etc and he has said about ex's taking the mick financially before so I am very wary of him feeling like that with me but then he made me feel bad for not asking him first and me not going to him first.

I do have a good relationship with my brother and before partner he has been my go to person and I am not going to change that, I am allowed to have good relationships other than my partner and I think he feels a little threatened by this but he need not be because I still care about him a lot. I don't know I just feel very confused because my head is saying red flag and he's being too needy etc but then I am questioning was I leaving him out, he obv feels insecure and didn't have fun and I'm trying to see from his point of view. But the way he acted is what's making me think it's not good. Even if his family was leaving me out etc I wouldn't be being actively rude or messaging etc that's very passive aggressive.

OP posts:
BurbageBrook · 04/01/2022 07:31

God, not only needy but actually quite jealous snd controlling to try to dictate how you behave in company. He just can’t stand not being the absolute centre of your attention. And to even be jealous of your relationship with your brother…. Just no. He sounds like a controlling dick, quite frankly. So many red flags.

SmallElephant · 04/01/2022 07:31

He behaves like a spoilt child.

Original poster
justanothermanicmonday21 · 04/01/2022 07:31

He isn't possessive in other ways, doesn't check up on me etc however is insecure, has questioned if I have cheated etc (which obv I haven't and haven't given him reason to either) he actually messaged my best friend asking if he should be worried about my ex (father of kids) - basically asking if I would get back with him. Me and ex had an awful split and I would never in a million years get back with him, he still to this day has treated me awfully so why he would think this is totally crazy anyway!

Writing this all down makes me think wtf but he is normally a really nice and easy to get on with person. It's just the insecurities that sometimes crop up and cause things like this.

OP posts:
JustJam4Tea · 04/01/2022 07:35

I think seeing partners in a different dynamic is really important. It’ll really highlight how many allowances you make in daily life that you probably haven’t realised you are doing as they’ll have crept up over time.

3 days of another family is a lot and if he’d gone to bed early one night with a ‘headache’ who’d have blamed him? But to turn into a spoilt 3 year old, not so much. My dh does this sometimes when he’s stressed and not the centre of attention. We’ve been together 15 years, I just shrug and let him get on with it as 90% of the time he doesn’t.

HomeTheatreSystem · 04/01/2022 07:36

He sounds socially incompetent and childish. I'd have put up with this nonsense in my youth but now I'd be showing the door to him and his smacked arse of a face.

FabulousMrFifty · 04/01/2022 07:36

I sort of understand how he feels, my ExW was very close with her family (why is totally understandable), but everytime we went there we would go and see her friends and leave me stuck with her parents, or make “jokey” little digs about me, one of the reasons we split, she was very unmindful at times

CerealKiller22 · 04/01/2022 07:37

He doesn't want you to have family or friends, he should be the only one you need. He is displaying some serious control behaviours that will only get worse. Save your sanity and get out now.

JustJam4Tea · 04/01/2022 07:37

OP it sounds like hard work, being with someone insecure and needy is draining as you start Chang your behaviour to deal with it.

AtlasPine · 04/01/2022 07:45

I agree this is red flag behaviour. You’re not imagining it. There is no excuse to strop and sulk or send texts during the visit - how awkward! - instead of discussing things calmly (if you have indeed done anything unmindful, which is difficult to see).

Newestname002 · 04/01/2022 07:49

@CerealKiller22

He doesn't want you to have family or friends, he should be the only one you need. He is displaying some serious control behaviours that will only get worse. Save your sanity and get out now.
I'm afraid I agree with this.

I'm not someone to say "red flags", OP, but there are so many here. Please re-read your own posts with an objective eye to see them. One thing which jumps out at me is his asking your best friend whether there was a possibility of you going back your Ex. Surely he knew that would get back to you - is he trying to keep you off-balance and want you to reassure him in person - thus getting more of your attention again?

He IS possessive and controlling even as far as your relation with your family when he should be pleased for you. Is this a relationship you feel happy about for the future? 🌹

girlmom21 · 04/01/2022 08:03

@CerealKiller22

He doesn't want you to have family or friends, he should be the only one you need. He is displaying some serious control behaviours that will only get worse. Save your sanity and get out now.

I disagree. If I take my partner to my family and there are conversations that would exclude him because he wouldn't understand, I take the time to give him a brief background and context, and then ensure he's able to engage if he wants to by encouraging body language etc. this isn't something i consciously do - it's just good manners.
It's just like when you take a friend with you to meet a group of your other friends. You over-compensate to make sure everyone's included.

I think the thing with the money is an ego issue. Does he like your brother generally?

The red flag for me is questioning your friends about your ex.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 08:21

He messaged your friend about your ex? I mean... the level of inappropriate and intrusive, not to mention entitlement is crazy!

There are red flags galore when it comes to his expectation of being the centre of your attention. Even in company or when you need external support, he thinks you should prioritise him to the detriment of your other relationships (like at the party etc) and your mental health (like when you want to lean on your brother).

Your brother sounds lovely. Mines an arsehole and if I had one like yours, my partner would be thrilled that I had someone lovely I could rely on. Because he loves me and wouldn't be threatened by me having a nice family member who was supportive and kind. Only possessive and controlling people would do!

Do you live together?

Brigante9 · 04/01/2022 09:38

Does he try to control you with shit behaviour in other situations?

JustJam4Tea · 04/01/2022 09:54

I think it's probably not as bad as people are saying, but does sound like harder work than it need be. It's much easier to go out with someone who'll make an effort with your family, let you be yourself and doesn't sulk if they get left out.

Ourlady · 04/01/2022 10:14

How pathetic texting you needy messages when you’re in the same room. How old is this bloke…he sounds about 12!
I would let this one go, he’s not worth the effort.