Boyfriend feeling left out in social situations

[justanothermanicmonday21]

We've been together a few years, we recently went to stay with my family over Xmas and he spent a lot of the time in a bad mood, he felt like I was blanking him, talking to everyone else but not having a laugh and joke with him, it kind of ruined the trip tbh as I felt like I spent a lot of the time trying to make up with him and justify myself.

I was a bit distant with him but because I could sense his mood, he kept sending me messages when in company saying you laugh at .... but not me etc and I just find it really bizarre needy behaviour and it gets my back up and pushes me away. He thinks I don't act the same around him when we are with others. Obviously I act a bit differently with others as in a group the dynamics are a bit different. I wouldn't say I left him out but I can see sometimes convos would be family related and he might of struggled with the convo however he doesn't ask questions and get involved either. He's had a crap time recently with his own children which I think hasn't helped so maybe why he felt a bit like he needed extra attention and I guess I didn't do this but I also want him to understand I hadn't seen my family in ages and wanted to catch up and all have a nice time together. He wasn't intentionally left out and no one was rude.

When we are with his family they talk about in things and obv I ask questions to get upto speed and get involved but he doesn't seem to do this.

Jesus tonight. This sounds just like my ex after my marriage ended who was a massive covert narcissist. Far less easy to spot than the obvious narcissists out there. I could've written this myself. I got the "ick" so quickly after he displayed this kind of behaviour. Not at all attractive and incredibly smothering. You sound like a lovely person but he's already got you questioning yourself. The best decision I made was to get rid quite honestly. The thought of his needy behaviour still makes me feel slightly suffocated 🤢

He texted your friend about your ex! I think that would have been a dumpable offence to me. So disrespectful and childish.

He is needy, stroppy, rude, selfish. All v unattractive traits.

I see both sides of this. My DH family are large and the community as a while is very much in each others business, so when we visit a lot of the talk centres around people they all know who I don't (I'm from different part of the country). I will be asked a couple of cursory polite update questions but that's it. I get on with them and they get on with me but sometimes I do find it boring and quite rude. I don't need to be the main star of every get together by any means but I think it would be nice if visiting them offered more of an opportunity to get engaged. DH misses all cues to perhaps intervene and start up more general chat , and I had thought this was just a man being a man thing but obviously not. I mindful to integrate DH into our family chat and it works better on my side of the family perhaps because I'm paying more attention I don't know

No he does not live with me, he does sometimes stay a couple of times a week depending on work/children. Tbh I sometimes breathe a sigh of relief when he is gone as I'm quite content in my own company. I guess the reason I question things is because of this - I'm a bit of an introvert, like my own space etc. anything too full on and I struggle, socialising etc tires me out (be that my family or his) and I can find it draining. I am finding things increasingly difficult with him to the point where it's making me unhappy, life should be easy and not all these constant stresses of mixing etc, I am happy now to go back into our old routine of work etc for a bit of space. I am not one of those people that has to be in someone else's pocket, I'm happy in my own skin and enjoy time alone and doing my own thing I am very independent. I worry he is not and relies on me too much for his own happiness and I cannot carry that burden.

@justanothermanicmonday21

No he does not live with me, he does sometimes stay a couple of times a week depending on work/children. Tbh I sometimes breathe a sigh of relief when he is gone as I'm quite content in my own company. I guess the reason I question things is because of this - I'm a bit of an introvert, like my own space etc. anything too full on and I struggle, socialising etc tires me out (be that my family or his) and I can find it draining. I am finding things increasingly difficult with him to the point where it's making me unhappy, life should be easy and not all these constant stresses of mixing etc, I am happy now to go back into our old routine of work etc for a bit of space. I am not one of those people that has to be in someone else's pocket, I'm happy in my own skin and enjoy time alone and doing my own thing I am very independent. I worry he is not and relies on me too much for his own happiness and I cannot carry that burden.

So it's not really about the family thing then. Just sounds like a bad fit.

He sounds awful, if you don't live together why did he feel the need to tag along to your family for Christmas celebrations - surely he knows that, as we get older, we all have connections and family ties that go back years and yes, it is perfectly normal to have 'in jokes' and talk about things in the past. Mature adults accept and understand that ... a bit different for youngsters who have just got together.

Why put up with this sulking man child? If he does have any good points you could just continue 'dating' but nothing more.

* RED FLAG BEHAVIOUR KLAXON* **

Seriously. This is one of the starter behaviours for insecure men who display controlling behaviour. I wish I'd known this 30 years ago.

In response to some of the other questions - yes he gets on with my brother, they chat etc easily - as I said he is a very easy going person and can chat to anyone, my brother is very hard to dislike. They are talking about going out together to do a hobby they both enjoy, going double dating with him and his gf etc and even holidays hopefully so he's not excluded in anyway which is why I struggle to understand why he's feeling like this. My family have been totally welcoming and accepting of him, always asking after him, get him birthday cards and presents etc and make an effort. He is solely saying it is how I act with him when others are around. That I'm not myself and I'm less loving/affectionate/don't talk as much/ don't laugh/ make more eye contact with my brother etc.

My ex was also jealous of my brother, always commenting on stuff such as him buying a house etc - my brothers done well in his job, is a golden child and anyone that meets him likes him instantly, things always work out for him he has good luck but he also works very hard and without moaning about it too. He is a generally a nice kind person that would do anything for anyone, has done more for my children than their own dad and has been a financial and more importantly a emotional support for me too in those post break up years from the ex - kids dad.

I'd be dumping him. He sounds needy, whiny and demanding. I don't want to be in a relationship where I am responsible for entertaining another adult and where they aren't grown up enough to manage visits to my family.

He shouldn't need a bit of extra attention. He's not a child.

Even from your OP, when you were talking about his rude, and quite frankly weird behaviour at your family, I was thinking 'Why would you put up with this?'
But then all the other things in your further posts just add to the "Why would you stay with him?"

Does he do this all the time or is this a new thing on this occasion?

I had this exact thing happen to me. I ignored the warning signs and over a decade he isolated me from everyone I loved. My world was so small and dark because he was the only thing in it.

This will honestly keep getting worse. I implore you to get out now. Your post made me shudder because I could have written it myself 10 years ago. Freedom is wonderful.

@justanothermanicmonday21

In response to some of the other questions - yes he gets on with my brother, they chat etc easily - as I said he is a very easy going person and can chat to anyone, my brother is very hard to dislike. They are talking about going out together to do a hobby they both enjoy, going double dating with him and his gf etc and even holidays hopefully so he's not excluded in anyway which is why I struggle to understand why he's feeling like this. My family have been totally welcoming and accepting of him, always asking after him, get him birthday cards and presents etc and make an effort. He is solely saying it is how I act with him when others are around. That I'm not myself and I'm less loving/affectionate/don't talk as much/ don't laugh/ make more eye contact with my brother etc.

My ex was also jealous of my brother, always commenting on stuff such as him buying a house etc - my brothers done well in his job, is a golden child and anyone that meets him likes him instantly, things always work out for him he has good luck but he also works very hard and without moaning about it too. He is a generally a nice kind person that would do anything for anyone, has done more for my children than their own dad and has been a financial and more importantly a emotional support for me too in those post break up years from the ex - kids dad.

So, looking at it objectively, does he have a teeny, tiny point?

You're clearly very close with your brother, is there a chance it can make others feel excluded? He's clearly the Golden Child with you as well as your parents.

Look, your family aren’t stupid. They’ll notice the texting and the ridiculous moods. It’s actually quite unfair on them to keep taking him round there, they don’t have to be witnesses to this shit.

I had a Sil like this and trust me, we ALL noticed. I eventually told the pair of them he wasn’t welcome anymore. These men attempt to dominate the entire family and all too often families facilitate this shit out of a misguided attempt at not wanting to upset their female family member.

What fun he’s been having creating this unpleasant atmosphere for your family. Stop enabling it. I actually felt quite angry that my dd thought I should be subjected to this shit in my own home by her husband.

@MarbleQueen

Look, your family aren’t stupid. They’ll notice the texting and the ridiculous moods. It’s actually quite unfair on them to keep taking him round there, they don’t have to be witnesses to this shit.

I had a Sil like this and trust me, we ALL noticed. I eventually told the pair of them he wasn’t welcome anymore. These men attempt to dominate the entire family and all too often families facilitate this shit out of a misguided attempt at not wanting to upset their female family member.

What fun he’s been having creating this unpleasant atmosphere for your family. Stop enabling it. I actually felt quite angry that my dd thought I should be subjected to this shit in my own home by her husband.

You're projecting.

You're projecting.

If I want psycho analysing off an internet stranger I’ll let you know ta.

They’ve already noticed. The op was quite clear.

@MarbleQueen that's the joy of forums. They are literally just made up of opinions. That's my opinion of your post.

Contacting my pal about the possibility cheating would have been the dumping occasion OP.

You've taken a peek into his brain. It'll get worse the longer it goes on.

I'd tell him to knock it the fuck off, no room for a misunderstanding. But I've no patience for needy, insecure blokes.

It sounds like your boyfriend has poor social skills and would rather sulk than improve them.
And your brother sounds charming and successful.

The clingy, childish stuff would be offputting.

Do you want to keep seeing him?

Insecurity is such a problem. We're all a little insecure, but being so insecure you text your partner's friend about whether she's faithful (!!) or sulking like a child around your family or objecting to a close family member giving you a cash gift....that kind of insecurity is on another level.

Nothing you can do will ever be enough to fill that hole in him. And eventually it will try to suck you in too.

OP sounds similar to my ex, wish I had red flagged this behaviour and got rid sooner.