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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair partner still lying to her husband

33 replies

Differentstoryaffairs · 03/01/2022 17:50

My Ex H had an affair with a colleague. It went on for just over a year with a few breaks in between. I asked for and got told all the nitty gritty details.

I told OWs husband. OW admitted to just what could be proved with evidence and said was four months. I said I would happily show her husband more to show went on for longer. He said I was lying and blocked me.

I shouldn’t care but I do. It driving me insane that she has “got of with it” and minimised a year to four month fling.

Please help me move on. Am on waiting list for counselling.

OP posts:

Extragherkinsplease · 03/01/2022 17:51

If her husband is stupid enough to not want more details that’s his problem.

Thank your lucky stars you know exactly went on and this is now your ex husband and not someone you’re still with and believing their lies.

Some people just can’t be helped - it’s crappy but not your problem to worry about

Anordinarymum · 03/01/2022 17:52

He's your ex and part of your past and so is the affair. I am sure the OW husband is not having a nice life so leave him alone. Change the way you think to how others may feel

LIZS · 03/01/2022 17:52

It is not your tale to tell. You can't force him to ask for more

GoodnightGrandma · 03/01/2022 17:53

That’s his problem, leave him to it. He’ll realise one day.
Chin up and move on.

BiggerBoat1 · 03/01/2022 17:53

This is not your problem - or any of your business. She has been unfaithful to him, not you.

You have to move on - but I think you know that.

Buildingthefuture · 03/01/2022 18:01

She is dishonest and deceitful. Her DH might have chosen to believe her, but in the dead of the night, she has to face her character flaws and the reflection in her mirror isn’t pretty. That is her punishment and her cross to bear….but it’s not yours? You’ve done nothing wrong here…take the moral high ground, go for the counselling and try to move on. Be glad you aren’t her.

LaBelleSausage · 03/01/2022 18:02

I wouldn't delete your evidence as he may well want to come back to you later.

Suspect he's in denial

Original poster

Differentstoryaffairs · 03/01/2022 18:03

Thank you all. In my head, I’ve written a hundred more messages but will not send anymore.

Why would he not believe me? Why would I lie about the timing?

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 03/01/2022 18:03

I think in your mind the OW wasn’t punished enough as her H stayed? And you think if he knew it went in for longer - he may have not decided to stay?
But for starters - you don’t know if it would have made his decision any different.
And it is HIS decision.
You made yours. He has a right to make his.
Most importantly, whether it not he leaves her - won’t make what you went through less painful.

Hopefully you’ll get your counselling soon.

Seafog · 03/01/2022 18:06

It doesn't matter why he does or doesn't want to know, or believe you.
What does matter is that you know the truth, and are making changes to your life to protect you from your ex.

Just focus on you

CornishTiger · 03/01/2022 18:06

I get it.

You are struggling as you are dealing with the aftermath by being single whilst she retains the appearance of a partnership and marriage.

You wanted her to feel the pain of losing that like you did.

However you can only focus on your pain and hurt.

Asterales · 03/01/2022 18:07

Maybe he doesn't care. He's chosen to stay with her, as is his right. He doesn't owe you a conversation just to make you feel better, he's got his own stuff going on. Focus on yourself, move forwards and leave him in peace.

LittleWins · 03/01/2022 18:08

Leave the poor chap alone. He’s completely innocent and whether it’s 4 months or not, he’s chosen not to know more details from you.

Really sorry this happened to you OP . I hope you find a way to move forward soon.

Original poster

Differentstoryaffairs · 03/01/2022 18:22

I think had he stayed and knew everything then I wouldn’t feel this way.

I feel frustrated and that it’s unfair. A year is a whole different ball game. Why would he think I lied

OP posts:

Sonaftersonafterson · 03/01/2022 18:29

He doesn't think you lied.

He is trying to save himself any more pain. He doesn't want to know. He may be in denial but more likely, he knows exactly what's gone on and its hurt him very badly. Hes chosen to stay. Leave him alone.

I can tell you right now, their marriage will not be a happy place right now. Move on and forget it.

bongobingo43 · 03/01/2022 18:35

Tbh if he's not going to end it - or even throw her out - over a 4 month affair, why would he do it if the affair was a year?

If you're willing to tolerate 4 months I don't see the timing making a massive difference

Raychelle · 03/01/2022 18:44

He is in denial its as simple as that. He doesn’t WANT to listen. For some people, dealing with their issues involves putting their head in the sand.

Don’t worry about it. Do your counselling and concentrate on your own life and happiness and feel proud you are a person who faces the truth and deals with it.

Footnote · 03/01/2022 18:46

There can’t be many people around who would leave over a year-long affair but would be OK with a four month one, so it won’t make much difference.
The best revenge is living well.

Anordinarymum · 03/01/2022 18:48

@Footnote

There can’t be many people around who would leave over a year-long affair but would be OK with a four month one, so it won’t make much difference. The best revenge is living well.

Absolutely. Live well and be happy. Let the past go and look forward or what is the point?

AlDanvers · 03/01/2022 18:52

Kindly, you made your decision to want to know all the detail.

He has made his.

Your life isn't being improved by going over this or wanting her punished more.

He has decided its not good for him to know more. To punish her, you would also need to push information on him he doesn't want. You would need to hurt him further.

He is collateral damage, in this. He has been harmed by her and your husband. You don't want to cause him more pain when he has told you he doesn't want to know....do you?

Remember, trying to hurt her, is likey to cause him pain too.

Original poster

Differentstoryaffairs · 03/01/2022 18:54

Thank you all. All good advice that I needed to hear today.

OP posts:

Wherearemymarbles · 03/01/2022 19:37

4 months or 4 years doesn’t really make a difference if he has decided to stay.

Also he might have had some part to play, sexless marriage etc etc

She hasnt won anything- the marriage wont be the same and maybe he chucks her out years down the line

Cakecakecheese · 03/01/2022 21:57

Some people just don't want to accept the truth. I think a lot of us will know someone who refuses to believe overwhelming evidence and will seemingly keep their head in the sand. All I can say to you is you're not that person. You refused to be taken for a mug and you are strong and you will get past this. I know it seems unfair that the OW seems to have got off lightly, but they are now stuck in a dishonest marriage. You are now in a position that, with time and help, you can move on to much better and happier things.

Bowwowwowoh · 03/01/2022 22:00

He thinks you lied because that's what he wants to believe.

The truth usually comes out at some stage.

Marineboy67 · 03/01/2022 22:23

So frustrating and painful at the same time. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
It's time to leave them in their dysfunctional mess that will inevitably consume them and their sham of a marriage.
As others have said it's time to focus on your life.
New year new you, a chance to put things in the past and focus on what hopefully happy times and adventures await you. Start making that Bucket/life list however big or small.
Start with buying those shoes or outfit or something you enjoy first. 😉

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