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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sulking BF.. Was I wrong to tell the truth?

72 replies

Imjustdone · 03/01/2022 14:58

My BF of 5 years asked me last night "when was the happiest you've ever been" my reply was "when I left my ex"

Now he's completely turned it around and stopped off home because I told him I was happiest on my own and not with him.. Not really what I said.

When I tried to explain why he didnt want to listen spent all of yesterday in a strop then got up and went home a little while ago..

I wish I would have just said "when I met you babe".. I've had 33 years of my life before him is it wrong that the happiest I was was when I left a awful controlling relationship and finally had my own place and freedom and peace?

OP posts:

saraclara · 03/01/2022 23:46

@AnotherSillawithanS

Aw, try and put yourself in his shoes. No need for a strop but I can see how it would have stung.

Why would it sting? And "Aw" for a sulking, stomping off man?

If I knew my relatively new partner had this sort of history, I'd completely understand the euphoria she must have felt when she escaped an abusive marriage. It wouldn't occur to me to take it personally. Of course that would be a moment far more intense than general contentment. Not to mention that I'd be proud of them for doing so.

ClareBlue · 04/01/2022 00:06

Happiness means so many different things and I'm not sure you can even compare. You can have an instant thing like getting your desired job, passing an exam, you can find out someone you love is cured of cancer.
You can experience the emotion of your babies being born, have two weeks on a Greek Island of intense sex and emotion at 19 when your life is ahead of you, a summer of endless possibilities in Paris.
You can look at your partner playing with your child and feel intense happiness.
You can go on a silver wedding anniversary road trip like we did and feel happy and content and at peace, but not the same as Island hopping in Greece at 20 when anything was possible.
It goes on and on.
It's all to do with what stage of life you are at. Any previous happinesses doesn't invalidate current happiness.

But why even ask these questions

Berrybear · 04/01/2022 00:12

That's actually pathetic. I couldn't be doing with that. How long have you been together and does he sulk a lot?

Pinkbonbon · 04/01/2022 00:34

Sounds like he wanted an ego massage, not just conversation.

But an emotionally stable person wpuld gave made a joke about things like (mock hurt) 'whaaaat? You're supposed to say it was meeting meeee'.

He however, threw a toddler strop and went home.

Sack him off. At best he is a whiney manchild, at worst he is the same as your ex and the mask is starting to drop.

RantyAunty · 04/01/2022 00:43

Gee he sure is being a toddler.

Just because that was your happiest moment, doesn't mean you haven't had other happy moments.

girlmom21 · 04/01/2022 08:23

@AnotherSillawithanS

Aw, try and put yourself in his shoes. No need for a strop but I can see how it would have stung.

She can't. Presumably she doesn't have toddler-sized feet.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 04/01/2022 08:43

@crestar

Well, you must admit that it wasn't the most diplomatic of answers was it..........?

Had this been an answer given by a man, the Mumsnet Karen's would have been out in force saying to LTB, he's selfish and only thinks of himself, puts himself first, isn't worthy of your time, addicted to porn, etc, etc, etc

I've read many stupid "iF tHE genDeRs weRe REveRseD" comments over the years but this one has got to be top 5 least. Tell you what, you go off and find a thread where the female OP asks her male dp when the happiest time of his life was and he says "when I finally left my abusive ex" and she storms off out of the house and all the posters pile on to say he's a porn adict and she should ltb - find me something even vaguely similar to that - then you can come back and dribble your misogynistic bullshit all over the OPs thread.

supercali77 · 04/01/2022 09:03

Its an interesting one isnt it because had he put aside his ego for a minute and asked about how you felt during that time and what it meant to you and been genuinely delighted for you....he'd probably be well on his way to making more 'happiest moments' for you.

urbanbuddha · 04/01/2022 09:12

Sounds like you've gone from one controlling relationship to another. Maybe time to take a step back and see if this relationship really is all you hoped for.

TheFoundation · 04/01/2022 09:17

@urbanbuddha

Sounds like you've gone from one controlling relationship to another. Maybe time to take a step back and see if this relationship really is all you hoped for.

Yes, and you're looking to your own behaviour when you're thinking of what should be different. You haven't done anything wrong, and he's sulking. You don't need to change anything about your behaviour, but don't spend too much time with people who sulk at you for being you and being honest and straightforward.

Abusive relationships are allowed to happen by people who spot a relationship problem being caused by the other person, and take responsibility for it themselves.

Gargellen · 04/01/2022 09:24

This is manipulative behaviour. Either he is manipulative but you have missed other red flags, he is becoming manipulative or he is having a bad day.

Don't apologise whatever you do. You have done nothing wrong and spoke from the heart.

If you stay with him, watch out for similar. When men are abusive, they aren't abusive from day one or they would never have relationships of any sort. Take care.

ChargingBuck · 04/01/2022 11:14

I wish I would have just said "when I met you babe"..

Do you really, though?

Because that would mean that you have to tell flattering lies to stop your ridiculous manchild from sulking & acting out.

He not only didn't understand the import of what you actually told him - he doesn't want to even try to understand you. He must believe that your function is to prop up his ego.

Text him & tell him not to bother returning, because life's too short to pander to twats.

Gilles27 · 04/01/2022 12:49

I was happiest when I was 17 and single. I don't think my wife would sulk if I told her that!

Matbest · 04/01/2022 12:53

If my partner told me he was happiest before he met me, I would be a bit sad too. Wouldn't you?

Trisolaris · 04/01/2022 12:56

My dp was happiest when he was around 24 as it when he was most confident in his body and felt strong and fit etc.

I didn’t know him then but I don’t take it personally.

I’m much happier now than I was when younger but if I’m honest it has much less to do with him than it has to do with me growing in confidence and being less of a worrier than I used to be.

I think your boyfriend is being ridiculous to expect your happiness level to completely depend on him.

Shelby2010 · 04/01/2022 13:22

It’s a ridiculous question anyway.

My happiest moment was probably when DD1 was born, safe & healthy following many years of fertility treatment. But that doesn’t mean that life has gone downhill since, or that I don’t love DD2 just as much. It’s more that it redefined my life in such a positive way. The same way as leaving your ex did for you.

Your BF is being a knob & I would be wary about whether this is the thin end of the wedge.

cstaff · 04/01/2022 13:40

His question was a very obvious attention seeking, tell me you love me, bullshit question. So he didn't get the answer he wanted - boo fucking hoo...

prestigeworldwide · 04/01/2022 13:41

This is one of the few areas where a man's intuition function better than a woman's!

The question itself is loaded. I have been asked this by my wife. The honest answer is "when I was single, no kids, lived alone in my own place smashing the mortgage with twice the disposable income I have now"

This is not the answer I gave.

All these sorts of questions have lots of pitfalls. The sulk is one (a very childish one). Others may be going quiet, constant asking about the relationship,lots of needling as to what made it so good back then (loads of free time, money and good friends. Being able to go do stuff at th drop of a hat. Not having to factor others into decision making. I could go on...)

Basically, he wanted an ego stroke, didn't get one and is stropping.

saraclara · 04/01/2022 14:33

This is one of the few areas where a man's intuition function better than a woman's!

Uh oh...

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 14:46

This is one of the few areas where a man's intuition function better than a woman's!

Alternatively, people are individuals. Not entirely homogenous groups with intuition directly linked to having either a vagina or penis.

Pollingbadly · 04/01/2022 14:52

He hasn't reacted well but I see his point. You were happier without him, on your own. How is he supposed to feel?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 15:06

I don't think OP meant 'I was happier single than when I was with you'.

I think she meant that leaving her abusive ex, being free of an abusive situation, was the happiest moment that sprung to mind.

If my partner asked me 'when was the happiest you've ever been' I think I would probably say 'when I had my first full meal after recovering from anorexia and LOVED it' or 'when I finally left (name of my own abusive ex) and realised I never had to speak to him again' or 'when I could finally afford to take my mum on holiday' because to me the question makes me think of moments rather than phases of life. And my partner would think those answers were lovely, because he loves me and is proud of me.

If he said 'what's the happiest relationship you've been in' and I said something other than him I would understand him being pissed off but that's not what happened!

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