Do some men never get over an ex

[XJellytotx]

My boyfriend is well and truly done with his ex. As in he doesn't want her back. It's been 2 years and exactly 10 months they separated. He's explained their relationship and it all adds up to why they didn't work and couldn't work. They were a bad match in terms of what they wanted from life. But trust seems to have been a massive issue for them both from the start.

He had some therapy at the beginning of the split. Because mentally he was in a mess. But I've realised lately he's still processing the relationship. Not in a way to go back. But he keeps spitting memories out at me. Mostly negative. Most days. In the tiniest ways. We've been a couple for a year and the first 6 months were getting to know one another.

I have spoken to friends about his constant mentioning and they have said that it's like he's over her and doesn't want the relationship but can't let go of the hurt around the way they treated eachother.

Yesterday we were talking and when said you should never take one another for granted. He explained with examples of his ex where they took one another for granted. Then he said he believes everyone deserves a chance. We all make mistakes. He then said he couldn't sit there and say that if one of us cheated on the other we'd never go back together. I sat and thought about the comment. Then he picked up on my quietness. I explained to him that the conversation we'd just had felt strange. I told him I didn't like it. I then said we are not those sorts of people are we? He said no not at all. You don't think I'd cheat Do you? I said I hoped he'd leave me if he found himself getting to know someone else.

Anyway him and his ex had alot of suspicion around eachothers phones and in the last year they were both guilty of texting other people. All very childish.

I love him so much. I'm trying to be patient as I know he was very unwell in the year before I met him. But I feel like I don't know if or when this will stop. Other than steering him off subject and continuing to show him support and love so eventually he sees I'm not going to hurt him. But his words and random thoughts are making me up and down with not knowing if he's ever going to settle and also how much of his thoughts are about me and not about the feelings surrounding his ex.

I understand people will say dump. Run. But is there any experiences of this. He is an overall nice person he just needs to shift his thoughts away from the past and he's clearly struggling with this. Any one have any experience?

You must be joking? You sit there listening to him constantly bringing up his ex?! Whilst your his girlfriend….you really are mad!

Take the hint he keeps trying to tell you!

(Seriously though, what girlfriend would sit there and listen to their boyfriend go on about an ex)

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance
@jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming -interesting! What does the ‘bargaining’ phase consist of?

I don't want to walk away from him if he's able to sort this over the next few months

You want a man who will prioritise you eventually? Have a think about what this says about your self esteem.

@Didimum

Honestly, I think you’re making excuses for him. And I think deep down you know that. It’s OK for him to not be over her, but it’s not OK for him to entangle you in a relationship while he’s still healing. I wish you luck, but I would let him go.

Well said.

It's not just thoughtless of him to mention every little memory of her that pops in his head to you (even if they're negative ones), it's cruel.

Cruel and unnecessary.

I would walk. A year in it should be easy if you're with someone well suited to you.

It's weighing him down and doing the same to you. Not worth it.

I spoke to a friend who told me to listen and then change the subject by doing something nice for him rather than getting into a conversation about it. Offer him a cuppa or a massage or whatever and try and replace those moments with warmth and love from me.

So basically reward him for self indulgent, unkind behaviour?!

Your friend needs to catch herself on!

Women are not required to regulate a man's mood and soothe a man's pain when it's self inflicted and to the detriment of that woman's own mental health and happiness.

A ridiculous thing to suggest from your friend.

OP what are you thinking!!! He’s moping about his ex, tell you about his memories of her?? Who is thinking about YOU? You need to hve more self-esteem that this. Please walk away, if he isn’t into you now, he won’t grow to be more into you in a few months time.

@JangolinaPitt

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance *@jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming* -interesting! What does the ‘bargaining’ phase consist of?

@JangolinaPitt

Hi, It's when you are still wrestling with your response to the trauma event e.g

Would it still have happened if I had done this?
Maybe if I had done XYZ it wouldn't have happened
Maybe it was for a reason?
What could I have done/do better now?

It is worth noting that these phases don't normally occur in this order. Although at the end though there is hopefully acceptance.

I think in OP's case, her boyfriend is wrestling with his conscience that because his ex helped him recover from his suicide attempt that his is clouding his judgement as to their compatability.

Just because his ex was there for him and helpful in that situation it does not make them a suitable life partner for him.

Basically Bargaining is when you are weighing up the outcomes. Eventually hopefully you reach Acceptance and let go.

If he could make a positive step forward like move to a new place away from the past and memories he may make a future with OP.

*compatibility

@JangolinaPitt Hi, the SwissAmerican Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is the founder of this model. I attach the screenshot as she explains it much better than i have. I found it very useful during a break up that i found very hard to process but eventually did.

@XJellytotx this may be of some use to you and or you boyfriend.

It's not your role to counsel him though but it just may help give you an understanding as to why he is offloading onto you. Some particular break up can feel like grieving.

I don’t know if it’s a particular issue men have ( not getting over exes) but there are plenty of women around here trying to “fix” broken men. Wishing their lives away waiting for crumbs of consideration. He’s not a bird with a broken wing and you can’t fix him with cups of tea and nurturing. Sorry. He’s a man who suffered quite serious mental illness who is bad mannered enough to bang on about his ex all the time. He sounds insufferable. Please don’t think you have responsibility for resolving any of his issues.

I'd be surprised that in 8 weeks he'll have 1. Got over his ex, 2. Magically turned into a mature person who considers your feelings.

You want him to turn in to a completely different person which is understandable as he's currently a self-obssessed, man-baby who wants you to mother him. It isn't realistic though.

I think you’ve tried for long enough. You can’t fix him, he has a bad character. He is indulging in going on about an ex to you, triangulating to make you behave how he wants so that you accept being treated like rubbish while hoping he thinks you’re better than her. He doesn’t care about you and probably not even his ex, she’s just of use to him to control you.

The drinking, the underlying threat of suicide, it’s all horrible. You don’t deserve this.

Do you do any of this to him? I’m guessing not. I think it’s time you stood up for yourself and instead found someone who doesn’t enjoy messing with your head.