Do some men never get over an ex

[XJellytotx]

My boyfriend is well and truly done with his ex. As in he doesn't want her back. It's been 2 years and exactly 10 months they separated. He's explained their relationship and it all adds up to why they didn't work and couldn't work. They were a bad match in terms of what they wanted from life. But trust seems to have been a massive issue for them both from the start.

He had some therapy at the beginning of the split. Because mentally he was in a mess. But I've realised lately he's still processing the relationship. Not in a way to go back. But he keeps spitting memories out at me. Mostly negative. Most days. In the tiniest ways. We've been a couple for a year and the first 6 months were getting to know one another.

I have spoken to friends about his constant mentioning and they have said that it's like he's over her and doesn't want the relationship but can't let go of the hurt around the way they treated eachother.

Yesterday we were talking and when said you should never take one another for granted. He explained with examples of his ex where they took one another for granted. Then he said he believes everyone deserves a chance. We all make mistakes. He then said he couldn't sit there and say that if one of us cheated on the other we'd never go back together. I sat and thought about the comment. Then he picked up on my quietness. I explained to him that the conversation we'd just had felt strange. I told him I didn't like it. I then said we are not those sorts of people are we? He said no not at all. You don't think I'd cheat Do you? I said I hoped he'd leave me if he found himself getting to know someone else.

Anyway him and his ex had alot of suspicion around eachothers phones and in the last year they were both guilty of texting other people. All very childish.

I love him so much. I'm trying to be patient as I know he was very unwell in the year before I met him. But I feel like I don't know if or when this will stop. Other than steering him off subject and continuing to show him support and love so eventually he sees I'm not going to hurt him. But his words and random thoughts are making me up and down with not knowing if he's ever going to settle and also how much of his thoughts are about me and not about the feelings surrounding his ex.

I understand people will say dump. Run. But is there any experiences of this. He is an overall nice person he just needs to shift his thoughts away from the past and he's clearly struggling with this. Any one have any experience?

You sound like his counsellor, not his girlfriend.

I know. Its really hard. I know too much about his ex. But I understand people are flawed and have struggles. It's very difficult because he cooks for me and makes me laugh. We share a love of walking and similar films. We want the same things. We have a really nice relationship but he's just not dealt with the emotions from that relationship. He needs to learn how to wake up In the morning and not think about her at all.

XJellytotx it doesn't matter that he doesn't want her back; he's being utterly selfish, self indulgent and arrogant constantly reminiscing about her out loud to you!

How much longer are you going to stick around and listen to him talk about his ex?

It sounds like he wants to go back but too proud to do it.

@LondonWolf

I have read all your post and I have to say that I wonder where’s there’s room in all this for you and your relationship? It’s all about him and her isn’t it?

I agree with this. Clearly OP he has un resolved issues about his ex and is not ready to put his energies into a relationship.

It sounds as if you could do with some therapy for yourself, to explore why you might have found yourself in a position whereby you are still trying to rescue this man and have become so enmeshed with someone who is still ruminating over his ex and still full of shame and anger. Please prioritize yourself and stop trying to fix him and hoping that if you just listen enough, are just sweet and kind enough, listen to his woes and then offer him a massage, etc etc you can make him think about you and not her.

The laughing, the cooking, the films, the walks... you can and will have all of that with a man who actually deserves the unbelievable amount of time and energy you are clearly prepared to put into a relationship.

How old are you OP? What are your hopes for the next 5-10 years?

@Carolcole

It sounds as if you could do with some therapy for yourself, to explore why you might have found yourself in a position whereby you are still trying to rescue this man and have become so enmeshed with someone who is still ruminating over his ex and still full of shame and anger. Please prioritize yourself and stop trying to fix him and hoping that if you just listen enough, are just sweet and kind enough, listen to his woes and then offer him a massage, etc etc you can make him think about you and not her.

The laughing, the cooking, the films, the walks... you can and will have all of that with a man who actually deserves the unbelievable amount of time and energy you are clearly prepared to put into a relationship.

This is such a good post!

Honestly, the best thing I ever learned about relationships was that all those good bits that keep you hanging in there when there are glaring, big issues - they are available with others and SO MUCH better when they are attached to someone who is right for you RIGHT NOW - not someone who could be right for you if only they would (fill in blank).

You’ve supported this man for a year now and had a lot of patience, waiting and waiting for the time he will sort out his unresolved issues with his ex. But he’s not doing it and worse, you both seem to have fallen into a pattern of normalising this unhealthy dynamic wheee he holds on to his issues with his ex and you play therapist.

I know. It feels so hard to talk to him. I wish I knew how to word it and tell him how it makes me feel at this stage. Like we are not going anywhere until he starts concentrating on going forward.

@XJellytotx

I know. It feels so hard to talk to him. I wish I knew how to word it and tell him how it makes me feel at this stage. Like we are not going anywhere until he starts concentrating on going forward.

It's been nearly 3 years since the separated. Do you think he hasn't tried to move forward since then?

If you were going to save him he'd have moved on by now.

You need to worry about yourself and let him go.

I say this with kindness as I know it’s hard, but you need to step back from him. If this continues your self esteem will be on the floor.

He’s still in touch with the ex, do you think he’d be prepared to cut contact in order to save your relationship? Have you asked?

I guess you need to ask yourself why you’re still waiting and believing all will be great once he moves forward?

People do tend to heal on their own schedule and some people never really do, they stay stuck ruminating about the same stuff for years and years. I think you’ve spent so much time focusing on how great you would be together if he would just live in the now with you - you’ve not realised you’re not living in the now either.

He’s stuck in the past and the hurt he experienced then and you are stuck in the future and how things could be.

I also think you may have spent so much time supporting him and wishing for a time when he could get past this one issue so you can be happy, you’re not focusing on how utterly unfair he’s been to you for a year. He’s not really in with you emotionally because he’s too invested in his ex - but he’s happy enough to draw energy from you to support him in his issues. That’s not the behaviour of a healthy, emotionally engaged and enthusiastic boyfriend. It’s the behaviour of someone who is very caught up in his own shit and is not offering you the level of emotional energy you are offering him.

Is this really what you want and deserve? You sound lovely and kind and thoughtful and emotionally generous. Don’t you deserve the same in return?

Yeah, nah.

He's not over her, not by a long shot.

Another man project for 2022, is all he is.

He's waaaaay too much work and he belongs in the bin.

I don’t know how you have the patience for this OP.

Loving someone doesn’t mean being their therapist and emotional punchbag.

You’re not his ex and your relationship with him is nothing to do with their relationship. The two shouldn’t be constantly compared and contrasted.

It’s true to say if you don’t heal from past hurts, you’ll take them into every relationship. And this is what your ex is doing.

It’s sad for him that he’s been so mentally unwell and it sounds like you’re a lovely person for just wanting him to be well. But you’re actually facilitating him staying stuck where he is. Because you’re saying it’s fine for him to carry on as he is.

I don’t think you can help him move forward, if you’re not professionally trained then why would you think you can solve and fix his problems?

You’ve facilitated his obsession with his ex for this long, this is the reality of your relationship

@LeifSan

I guess you need to ask yourself why you’re still waiting and believing all will be great once he moves forward?

People do tend to heal on their own schedule and some people never really do, they stay stuck ruminating about the same stuff for years and years. I think you’ve spent so much time focusing on how great you would be together if he would just live in the now with you - you’ve not realised you’re not living in the now either.

He’s stuck in the past and the hurt he experienced then and you are stuck in the future and how things could be.

I also think you may have spent so much time supporting him and wishing for a time when he could get past this one issue so you can be happy, you’re not focusing on how utterly unfair he’s been to you for a year. He’s not really in with you emotionally because he’s too invested in his ex - but he’s happy enough to draw energy from you to support him in his issues. That’s not the behaviour of a healthy, emotionally engaged and enthusiastic boyfriend. It’s the behaviour of someone who is very caught up in his own shit and is not offering you the level of emotional energy you are offering him.

Is this really what you want and deserve? You sound lovely and kind and thoughtful and emotionally generous. Don’t you deserve the same in return?

Oh yes this.

Very wise and insightful

Thank you for the replies. It's very true what each and every one of you is saying. I shouldn't be allowing myself to support him and be there for him to this extent when I can see its actually getting me down and feeling confused as to where he is at. But I guess I have strong feelings for him and they are blocking me to an extent walking away. I feel so confused. I don't want to walk away from him if he's able to sort this over the next few months. But if this is him long term then I know its not right for me.

I did want him to get well and theres still chance he will. He's been off work a couple of months and will be returning this week which will be a massive change for us after 11 weeks of him just being home. I don't live with him but this time at home has allowed him alot of time to think. I think him going back to work will be another big indicator of whether this will settle. Perhaps its been good for him to stop and analyse and think for a while. But perhaps going back to work will also make him leave the Ex behind and to start looking forward.

I will see how he goes through this next month and if he needs to just get out the house.

How much time am I willing to wait? I think a couple more months is fair? I think if it continues any longer with no improvement I will have to have the conversation with him that our relationship is not working because I feel he hasn't worked out how to put his heart and soul into me and us and let go of past hurt.

Its sad. He's suffered alot mentally but I can see that this isn't fair on me for much longer..

I shouldn't be allowing myself to support him and be there for him to this extent when I can see its actually getting me down and feeling confused as to where he is at.

Does he ever actually ask how you feel? Do you think he could support you emotionally? God forbid, if someone died - as an example - do you think you could lean on him to the extent he leans on you?

@AtrociousCircumstance

This sounds intolerable. You’ve been together a year.

It’s incredibly self indulgent of him. And he sounds perfectly entitled to bore and annoy you with these memories.

This is spot on! I'd be so bored being with someone who constantly brought up an ex/old school friend/previous neighbour/former co-workers.

I mean...it's just dull, isn't it? Boring, boring conversation that you aren't interested in about someone you presumably don't know and don't want to. Why would you want to listen to his dreary stories?

I think you are deluding yourself here OP. In a way you are not insecure enough about this, because you are actually accepting him moping about over an ex as if it does not reflect on your relationship with him.

He is not over her. If he was, he wouldn’t be talking about her all the time. It really is as simple as that, nobody talks about people they are not interested in.

Well he's not thinking of you is he OP

Please, be kinder and more thoughtful to yourself - who is offering you a massage and cuppa and asking you what is going on with your own issues that means that you cannot see what is right in front of you?

So what that he's been at home for 11 weeks? It's completely irrelevant. He is with you. He has been with you for a year. Why is he still talking about her almost every day? Why are you saying that your partner of one year just needs to learn how to wake up in the morning and not think about his ex whom he split up with nearly 3 years ago? Why are you hoping that other factors external to your relationship like work will occupy him enough so he has less time to think about his ex?

My hunch would be that this is not about her as such but is about his own enormous shame/pride/anger/ego issues. It is all about him and it always will be and you are going to get hurt. I truly, honestly think it would do you some good to get a little therapy yourself over these next couple of months, rather than just hanging on to see what he's up to.

I never fail to be amazed at what women put up with.

Do you REALLY need a man that much?
He sounds like such a liability.

@XJellytotx

I know. It feels so hard to talk to him. I wish I knew how to word it and tell him how it makes me feel at this stage. Like we are not going anywhere until he starts concentrating on going forward.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

A hard break up can feel like a bereavement. I think he is still bargaining with himself.

A clean break would help him move towards a future with you. Like him moving out of the house.

yes, i agree with pp some therapy for your own MH will help you enormously. He is not just getting over a split, he is also getting over suicide attempt. Thats a lot for anyone to hear. A lot of healing all round needed.

@XJellytotx

I know. It feels so hard to talk to him. I wish I knew how to word it and tell him how it makes me feel at this stage. Like we are not going anywhere until he starts concentrating on going forward.

Stop making a drama about stating your feelings. Stop worrying about 'how you look/come across'

It's impossible for me to write so much down on a post to explain why I believe it's processing rather than wanting her back

It doesn't matter why you think he's doing it. He's repeatedly behaving in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. It's making you reconsider the relationship. Stop making a drama, and simply state that. It's one sentence. That's all you have to do.

Then observe his response. An emotionally healthy partner will take your feelings on board, and make efforts to amend their behaviour, because they don't want you to feel bad. An emotionally unhealthy partner will defend themselves, blame you for having your feelings, make you feel guilty for expressing yourself, get upset with you for raising the issue. Watch his response and give him a week or two to amend things. Then leave, if his response isn't healthy.

You're making a huge drama out of 'My boyfriend keeps upsetting me'. Of course it's emotionally hard, but on a practical level, it's very simple; tell him how he makes you feel by doing this, and see if he keeps doing it, thereby choosing to keep making you feel like that.