Do you ever regret having a child?

[oopswhatdoido]

Not sure what topic to post this in.

Has anyone ever regretted having a child? Dp and I made a mistake last month and am now pregnant. Initial reaction was to have a termination and this is DPs thoughts too.

Our DC, three boys are 13,12 and 7. We own a small 3 bed terrace which is already tight for space bedroom wise.

We both have good stable jobs, not on massive salaries but comfortable. There is lots of room for promotion for DP. I have also set up a business on the side of my part time work which should do ok and can be done from home with kids.

The problem is we are at such a nice stage with the kids, we can go anywhere with them, have lovely relaxing holidays, have very little childcare and I know it sounds silly but can lie on in bed if we need it. I work nights and if kids are off school I don't NEED childcare as they are old enough to know they need to be quiet to let me sleep.

We were veering towards termination, but there's a part of me that wants a baby again, has anyone had an unplanned pregnancy and went on to have the baby and really regretted it?

Please no judgement, I'm an emotional wreck as it is and I know we should have been more careful. I'm 4weeks pregnant

I couldn’t read this and not reply .
My 3rd and 4th pregnancies were unintended . (Please no judgment from anyone about this , it was a complex situation )
I went ahead with my third despite my then husband’s insistence we shouldn’t have a third child (the others were 3 and 4 ) .
I knew absolutely that I wasn't prepared to terminate that pregnancy and I haven’t regretted that for one minute .
When I fell pregnant again , I also knew that I would be making life very hard for myself and my three children . I still feel sad about it , I dread my other children finding out even as adults because I would have to tell them some difficult things about their father that they don’t need to know .
However , in terms of our personal circumstances - both choices were right .
Trust your gut . It’s not an easy decision either way so weigh it up . In the end a 4th child would bring many joys but possibly complications too .
Just be kind to yourself whatever you decide .

@Celynfour thank you for your reply. Sounds like a really tough decision you had to make. It is true though, you are making the decision for the whole family.
The boys would be over the moon but they need me here for them through their teen years, I'm afraid I'll just be exhausted all the time with a baby and not able to give them 100%. Yet I'm so scared to make a decision and regret it. I forgot to say I'm also 37 which I know is not old but I had all my babies in my 20s

Well I guess the questions to ask yourself are:

• do you actually WANT another DC? In your OP you gave lots of reasons why you don't and none why you do (apart from possible regret of termination);
• can you afford to move? A small 3-bed sounds very tight with five people in it, let alone six;
• if you could turn the clock back and not be pregnant, would you? If the answer to that is 'yes', then I'd terminate.

Oh and in answer to your question, of course people regret having DC. There have been many threads over the years on MN where people have admitted to this. Many feel they cannot be honest IRL, but on an anonymous forum, they do.

I had one at 34 and my other kids just took to it . I think once you’ve had one child your life is already changed forvever so another one doesn’t affect as much .
It sounds to me like you are already decided on termination anyway .

Yes of course people do, it’s not popular to say though so people don’t as fear of being judged

I think it’s rare for people to regret the child they have in their arms. The love you have for them usually outweighs regret.

But there are thousands of threads on this website of people who regret the impact a child (be it their first child or their tenth) has had on their life/finances/health/marriage/other children. Ranging from ‘gosh this is hard but we’ll cope’ to ‘if I could have my time again I wouldn’t have continued with the pregnancy’.

Good luck in whatever you decide - I really feel for you having to make a decision. I couldn’t imagine having a baby in your situation, but only you know what’s best for your family.

I agree with PP who said that people rarely regret the actual child but the impact it has on daily life. I think you just need to go with your gut on whether you actually want the baby. If you do, you can figure the rest out and make things work. If you don't, then you don't. There is no point of brining a baby you don't want into the world just for the sake of it seeming like the right thing to do.

The most important thing to do is to do what is right for your own family.

It's a really tough decision. Of course when I think of a newborn baby and the good things a baby brings, The other boys would be delighted with a new baby and have asked many times throughout the years for a new sibling.

I think with a year or two of hard saving we could buy a bigger house. We could afford a bigger mortgage, it's just had to get a 2nd mortgage as need such a big deposit.

But someone asked if I could turn back time, would I get pregnant again? No I wouldn't..

Well you’ll find lots of people who’ve found their surprise DCs a joy and others who have found it very hard.

It comes down to what’s right for you, and what’s right for the children you already have. The needs of people who already exist come first.

In this case it sounds like you and your DP have come to a joint decision that’s right for your family, which is good. You are bound to be sad, but it doesn’t make you wrong.

Starting the baby stage again would be a huge effort and if you don’t actively want to do it, I wouldn’t consider it.

It's a myth that no one ever regrets having a baby even if it's a myth that sounds nice. Obviously none of us can tell whether any individual will regret it either way.

The other boys would be delighted with a new baby and have asked many times throughout the years for a new sibling

Just remember though, they probably won’t be the ones doing multiple night feeds, consoling the baby when it’s crying (which may be a lot) and changing umpteen nappies. I’m sure the idea of a baby is lovely to them, but the reality might make their feelings a bit different. I’m not trying to sway you, but I think you should have the baby for you and your DH, not your other children.

In response to your reply . You will possibly regret elements of either decision .
I have 3 teenagers now and they keep me very busy in totally different ways to younger children . I can see that they are fine as 3 of them , they would have liked a sibling but equally aren’t missing out by there not being a 4th .
Many of us would like or enjoy another baby , try and think about what 4th child , 4th person in the house / family would be like .
It’s a very hard and emotional decision , I wish you all the best .

That’s a tough one OP.

Lots and lots of children are unplanned. Not all of them are viewed as mistakes, my own was a surprise and I did look at my options but in the end it was a case of realising I’d regret ending the pregnancy more than I would having the baby.

It’s been a tough few years and there are times where I wish I had no kids at all! But there’s never been times that I wish I’d chosen a termination. No matter how hard it is. When I look at that child I love them the absolute same as my much wanted / planned one.

Having another child will impact your whole family, having a termination will impact you.
I know that sounds simplified but that is the reality. You’ll carry the emotion and any regret of the termination on your own.

It seems like a 4th child could fit into your family OK. It’s such a hard choice.

Very difficult decision. I think you need to sit
Down with your husband again and talk through all the pros and cons x

@oopswhatdoido People always talk about the impact of a child in terms of material things but people rarely talk about the impact aborting your child will have. Any impact on space, time etc will be temporary. Your child will grow up and leave home but an abortion can never be reversed. X

My own mum was in exactly the same position as you , we even had the same tight 3 bedroom house setup. Two small double rooms and a box room in our case !

She had her fourth child and yes money was tighter for a time but he's such a blessing to us all, especially for her now in ways she wouldn't have forseen back then.

I can't imagine life without him. Also your mum's pregnancy and the early years take on a whole different level of excitement when you're old enough as a child/teen to understand it. Even now as a grown adult, I will never forget the pure joy and excitement of coming home from school as a pre-teen and meeting my newborn brother for the very first time

OP it has to be your decision and not anyone else's.

I've got two dc and had a termination when they were both primary age. It hurt emotionally for a year but I rarely think of it now. When I do think about it I feel relieved that I have the two dc I have and the family I have. It was 100% the right decision for me at that time in my life. Even though I was sad (very sad) it still felt like the right thing to do for me and my existing dc.

But if you want this pregnancy to develop into a baby then you will make it work. It's easy to weigh up the pros and cons but if your overall feeling is that your life will be better in 5/10 plus years time having had a baby then thats your answer, if you think your life will be 10x harder and worse off in ten plus years then again, there's your answer.

Ugh I can't stop crying. I had kind of mentally made the decision earlier to go ahead with termination. I contacted the clinic, they are closed just filled out form and emailed it to them. And I did feel a weight lift a bit.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't help thinking back to what if I go ahead..
I'm really nervous about it all. The finality of taking the tablets. I'm from Ireland and abortion is only newly legal here as yous know so I suppose there is that feeling of guilt. I am a midwife, I look after women who have had terminations in the past all the time. I don't know why I feel ashamed.

I also thought I could just go an get a prescription, I wasn't aware I have to be counselled first and wait a few days. I have to get back to work next week.

I had a termination last year as having another child would have been really bad timing for us as a family and frankly I wanted my life back. Not baby days and early years again. I am important too, my feeling and my life matters. I don't regret terminating and while it was very very hard to come to that decision, I don't regret it and do believe it was better for me and the family. We have a nice life and opportunities that wouldn't have been available/ possible with another child.
We'd have been back to square one.
I don't dwell on it and I am moving on.

@oopswhatdoido oh OP, I've been there. It's absolute torture like nothing else, the turmoil of the back and forth. If you're anything like me of course you'll want to keep any baby you've made, but unlike previous (planned) babies there is genuine upheaval and downside on the family to seriously consider.

Like you I agonized. In moments of clarity I'd suddenly question everything and crumble. I am vehemently pro-choice and would never judge others, but I felt dreadful at the thought of terminating myself.

In the end I chose to terminate, because I realized I would ONLY be going ahead based on guilt. Like you said, if I could click my fingers and not be in the position at all I 1000% would. If I envisaged the week ahead no longer being pregnant I felt relief. So I chose to go with that.

In 2.5 years I've never regretted it. I hope that doesn't sound too awful. If I dwell on the child that could be here (which I don't) I feel pangs of sadness and guilt, but it's not something that impacts my life. It was a crap time, but we made the right choice for our family and I wouldn't change it.

In the end the decision you go with IS the right one, because nobody chooses either lightly. Your reasons for either route are totally sound and whichever way it goes you'll muddle through. Good luck, so many people have been there and understand. X

Thanks @quicknamechange4000 that it's reassuring to hear. It's so draining.

I'm terrified of the actual process. Just taking the medication and waiting, not knowing what it will be like. I'm only 4+3 at the moment so hopefully won't be too painful

@oopswhatdoido if it makes you feel better I was petrified too but found the actual process the easiest part by far.

Took the codeine early and didn't really feel anything - wondered if it had failed! - and there was nothing recognizable to see either, and I was 6-7 weeks. So no trauma whatsoever with that. I'm sure experiences vary but I can honestly say I've had worse periods.

Don't do anything you don't want to do.
Go with your heart.

I've had two abortions. One medical and one with pill. Not going to lie to you op it was horrific but at the time I felt as though I deserved every bit of it.

I will never forget the Doctor's name in that UK hospital. Bastard.

I did regret mine op and I went on to have three lovely children.

@AnotherSillawithanS I'm sorry you had such an awful experience. Something like that really stays with you.

I feel like I can't go with my heart. Every time I think of the positives of having the baby, my head comes in with the negatives. I feel bad because we are not in a bad situation and if this had happened maybe 3-4 years ago, I would have had the baby. I just feel the gap is so big now (would be 8years). My dp is app for the termination, even though he is being very sensitive to me and knows ultimately it's my decision but I decided to go ahead with pregnancy and the shit hit the fan in a years time I know he will blame my decision.