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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feeling really fed up with dh....(bit long sorry)

32 replies

Reallymiserable · 16/11/2004 14:32

my dh works away and last night had to fly to another country for a meeting today. He called when he was about to fly and I said I was worried about dd(1yr) as she was rather dehydrated. So I said I would call NHS direct and let him know if there was any news. So called my parents as well as I was getting rather upset and they came over and the NHS nurse called me and said to take dd to A&E to get checked out. So we all went of in my dads car, me thinking I would call dh in the car. But I stupidly forgot my mobile. My parents don't believe in mobiles. THen at the hospital dd was rather distraught and being sick all the time. It took ages and ages to get seen, then start rehydration fluids to see if she would take them. In the mean time dh called the hospital and got them to find me, at first I thought great I will get to speak to him. But he just screamed down the phone at me that I had betrayed him as I had not called him and basically how could I be like this when he was away.

Went on and on like this. I was in the A&E till the early hours and called him when we were being seen and my mum was able to look after dd for a bit on her own. But again he just went on and on about how awful I was not to have called him etc etc. Even said he had left messages on my phone telling me to get out of 'his' flat( he bought it before we were married and its only his name on it, I had never thought about this before)

THen had more arguments this morning on the phone. Eventually after a few crazy phone calls we both calmed down a bit to speak properly.
But he still says he is so p*d off at me and it has dented our marriage. Will take time to heal etc etc.

I just feel so annyoed and depressed that I am here with my dd who is really not very well and had to deal with so much last night and now I have him telling me I have made our marriage suffer because I did not call him immediately.

He has never spent more than a few hours with her on his own so has no idea about how tiring it can be, especially when she is not herself.

I can see that I should have called him as he was worried etc etc and I have said sorry for not doing that.

But where do we go from here. I am not sure anyone can give much advice, perhaps I just needed to sound off to someone not involved.

OP posts:

spacemonkey · 16/11/2004 14:35

I'm not surprised you're fed up with him, his behaviour was disgraceful

marialuisa · 16/11/2004 14:41

he's way out of line...yes, you could have called him from a payphone but surely he should undrestand that when you're in the thick of it it's not that easy to get away.

Do you think he felt guilty that he wasn't there with you both?

KateandtheGirls · 16/11/2004 14:42

Given time I would think that your husband will calm down and realise that you were in a hurry, worried yourself, and - it's easily done - forgot your mobile. Your first priority was your daughter and you called him as soon as you had the chance.

I don't want to excuse him, but I'm sure he was very worried and felt bad because he couldn't be there, and that's why he reacted that way. I know that when we had to take our daughter to the emergency room when she was a baby my husband was in a complete panic. He couldn't cope at all. If he hadn't been able to be there with her he would probably have lost his mind.

No, it's not fair that he took it out on you though.

My advice would be to give him a little time, explain to him how worried you yourself were and taht you called him as soon as you could - you didn't deliberately exclude him.

NomDePlume · 16/11/2004 14:43

I agree with spacemonkey. How DARE he be so utterly and totally awful to you, especially when your poor little DD was in such a horrid state. It should be you who is telling him that he dented your marriage by being such a totally insensitive prick. Makes me boil....

FWIW, it isn't HIS flat, regardless of whose name is on the deeds. You are married therefore it is in joint ownership. Your DH needs to take a step back and grow up.

Hugs

Original poster

Reallymiserable · 16/11/2004 14:44

yes probably does feel bad underneath it all that he was not there. But not sure he'll admit that to me. Just says he is really mad at me for not telling him we were going into the hospital.

Cannot believe that forgetting a mobile phone could cause so much trouble.

OP posts:

tammybear · 16/11/2004 14:44

oh dear RM, i think your dh is a bit out of line. i can understand him being worried and upset, but if you left your mobile behind, you left it behind. its not like you can waste time going back to get it. when i had to take dd to A&E once, i could only call my mum and exp once dd had fallen asleep as she was in such a state (as well as myself) I do hope that once he has calmed down, and thought about things logically that he will see that it was difficult for you. hope your dd gets better, and hope you're okay. ((hugs)) xxxxxxx

yingers74 · 16/11/2004 14:45

He is acting like a spoilt child. Yes you did not call him, but this was not done on purpose and he needs to realise that you had a lot to deal with at the time. I imagine a lot of his shouting and blaming has to do with feeling guilty for not being there. Hopefully he will be more rational about events today. Could you guys go for counselling or see a mutual objective friend to sit down and discuss what is behind this anger.
Good luck!

Azzie · 16/11/2004 14:47

When you've all had a chance to calm down, you need to sit him down and talk to him.

It sounds to me like he needs to grow up (but it's probably best if you don't say that to him!) and put his family before himself. Yes, in an ideal world you'd have called him, but you were worried sick about dealing with a very ill child, and that's where all your focus and emotions were. And that's where any decent parent's focus and attention would be in that situation. He needs to grow up and realise that, at that particular point in time, his needs weren't - and shouldn't have been - your primary concern.

To give him the benefit of the doubt, I expect that, being so far away, he feels worried and helpless, which is probably why he's reacting this way. Although that is no excuse for adding to your stress and upset.

You can't sort this out long-distance over the phone. Try and keep calm until he's back, sit down together, and see if you can have an objective and adult discussion about what happened.

NomDePlume · 16/11/2004 14:48

I agree that he was probably feeling pretty awful for not being there and I'm fairly sure he'll realise that the mobile was not the first thing on your mind when you were rushing out of the door. Hopefully he'll behave a little more rationally given a day or so to mull it over.

Having said that, I'd still tell him where to shove his little f*cking guilt-trip tantrum, but then I'm quite hot-headed !

coppertop · 16/11/2004 14:50

I agree that his behaviour was absolutely disgusting. Yes he may well have been upset but I would be worried that his first reaction was to say "Get out of my MY flat!" How dare he!

When you take a child into A&E it's not easy to get away and make calls. In any case, you wouldn't have been able to use your mobile inside the hospital anyway.

I think he has a lot of grovelling to do to make up for this one.

Original poster

Reallymiserable · 16/11/2004 14:53

thanks for these messages,makes me feel a bit better. agree that we need to talk about it calmly when he is back. That will be Thurs so perhaps after a day or so to calm down we'll be able to talk more rationally. He just called a moment ago to check on her and was much calmer on the phone so here's hoping things get better

OP posts:

KateandtheGirls · 16/11/2004 14:54

I guess I missed this - "Even said he had left messages on my phone telling me to get out of 'his' flat", the first time I read your post. That's a little worrying. Does your husband often over-react and/or get very angry, or is this a one time deal because if this particularly trying situation? If this is a pattern then you've got more of a problem than I originally thought.

Coppertop is right too. I didn't even think about that. You couldn't have used your mobile in the hospital anyway.

misdee · 16/11/2004 14:56

'oh hold on mum, i better just phone jack to tell him we're off to teh hospital. he is in another country and cant exactly fly back for this one, but best phone in case he has a paddy over it.'

silly man, what could he have done really? forgetting your mobile is easy enough to do, and once your in a+e its hard to get out to make a call anyway.

Original poster

Reallymiserable · 16/11/2004 15:00

he sometimes overreacts a bit about things but has never gone down the 'get out' route before. going through an awful time at work and abroad during the week till after Christmas and this has really affected him. His mum was also recently in hospital so think this just reminded him of the bad bits about working away from home.

think we have a lot to talk through on this one.

OP posts:

lou33 · 16/11/2004 15:23

I'm sorry but he behaved like a complete arse. Your main priority was to your dd at the time, and not to him. He may have been worried, but it didn't give him license to scream at you down the phone, and he should have been aware that you would call him when you could.

mrsmiawallace · 19/11/2004 22:04

my dp can be like that, i think they feel inadequate, but dont do anything to change it do they!
tell the nasty sod, that at the time, you where more concerned with looking after dd, than remembering to take your phone and ring him every two minutes to tell him what colour her sick was!
your priority is with her and not making him feel needed. have been in similar shoes and now your thinking you were in the wrong WHICH YOU WERE NOT!
you did the right thing and would have rang him at the earliest opportunity anyway!give him my details and ill tell him for you!!!(feels very strongly and doesnt realise in same boat until its happend and too late to say..and by the way!)

munnzieb · 19/11/2004 22:23

i'm sure when he's calmed down the most important thing for you to do in that immediate moment was to get DD to the hospital. He should understand there is not always time to ring there and then, as you say you rang as soon as you could what more can he ask for when all you were doing was looking after DD?

unicorn · 19/11/2004 22:33

I shall send you my support before I add anything else. {hug}

I think your dh behaved like a total pr*ck.

And, although I know nothing - I feel it is very childish behaviour,and makes me think he is jealous?
(this is not at all uncommon btw,I think it takes quite some time for some/many men to adapt to children/responsibilities)

Is there no way that he could spend some more time at home with his family?

Spamhead · 19/11/2004 23:24

Being a Dad who ofetn wokrs away from home, I know how easy it is to get panicky when you don't hear anything - because there is nothing you can do at that moment to change what is going on. Trouble with us men is, we hat not being in control, we are abd at dealing wiht uncertinty, and whe we feel inadequate, we tend to blame our nearest and dearest rather than ourselves. In short, we can be right sh*ts! But that is no excuse for using that kind of threat on you. I agree, he is being like a big kid. I hope you do sort things out when you talk. He may be going though his own tough time, but he also needs to know you are too.

cab · 19/11/2004 23:39

Reallymiserable, can understand your husband being concerned that he couldn't get a hold of you, but his reaction is outrageous!!
Poor little him that you were too busy looking after a sick kid to make him top priority.
Personally I would get out of that relationship ASAP - but then I'm an unforgiving kind of soul.
Hugs to you and dd - hope she's on the mend.

KateandtheGirls · 20/11/2004 02:19

Cab, that's a little ridiculous. You would divorce your husband, the father of your children, because of this one incident? Give me a break.

NotQuiteCockney · 20/11/2004 07:04

Eh, if dh did something like this, and wasn't incredibly apologetic about it very soon after, we'd be looking at couples counselling, at the very least. I don't put up with people yelling at me. Living with the fear of someone shouting at me, telling me to get out of HIS flat? No thanks. I'm pretty much with cab on this one.

I've been through something a bit like this, in the summer, when I was well into the 2nd trimester with DS2, I ended up visiting the hospital with abdominal pains (I've had a few miscarriages). DH was in Tokyo. I didn't do very well at keeping in touch, because UK mobiles don't work there. He was frantic with worry and really stressed out, so much so that his boss went and rented him a Japanese mobile for the few days they were there, so we could keep in touch. He left me some pretty irritable messages, but he was clearly stressed and worried, and feeling guilty about being away, not angry.

ScummyMummy · 20/11/2004 07:19

Have to agree with everyone else that your dh was bang out of order on this one, Reallymiserable. Sounds like he made himself into a v. effective "make a bad situation worse" castalyst and you must have felt dreadfully upset and frustrated. Poor you. Do you think it would be too harsh to show him this thread? It's a while since I've seen a totally unanimous mumsnet thread but your dh's behaviour seems to have united us all!

Hope your dd feels lots better soon and all the very best of luck in sorting things out with your dh.

KateandtheGirls · 20/11/2004 12:19

Really Miserable, how are things now?

Heathcliffscathy · 20/11/2004 12:26

imo some people (myself among them) are at their most totally unreasonable and outrageously aggressive when they feel miserably guilty and anxious about something. it's no excuse, i think he has behaved terribly badly. but i'm sure when he is home and dd is better, he will see that he's behaved like a git and apologise. i hope so.

i'm so sorry you've been through this. it is the way of things that sometimes when things are terribly stressful, we take things out on the person we love the most, ie our partners...

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