Ending a friendship when you have mutual friends

[Origamioriginal]

Let’s call her Leanne. I don’t want to be friends with Leanne anymore. We’re not even really friends, more like acquaintances, but I feel pressured to keep inviting her to stuff by some of our mutual friends. E.g. One privately messaged me to ask Leanne be added to a WhatsApp group about a particular hobby some of us share, because Leanne feels left out, and Leanne’s never added any comments or joined in the hobby. She clearly just wants to see what we’re all talking about.

The large friendship group includes some who’ve known each other since we were at primary school and others who joined over the years. We’re in our 50s. Leanne’s never invited me to her home, never invited me to anything, never texts or calls. She’s no fun and doesn’t talk much on the occasions I do see her.

The problem is she’s close friends with two of the other women in the group and whenever we organise something without her, Leanne makes passive aggressive remarks on social media and so far no-one’s wanted to get into an argument with her. Plus as she’s so subtle about it, we know she’d say we’re being over sensitive about the nasty comments.

She often doesn’t even reply to get togethers she is invited to and rarely attends, but if she’s not invited, she gets huffy and complains to the other two or adds passive aggressive remarks to social media about ‘knowing who your real friends are’ etc. I’m sick of it. It’s causing tension in the group and not just with me.

Most of the women in the group don’t enjoy her company and some have asked me not to invite her anymore (I organise a lot of our get togethers). I don’t want to invite her but I suspect the other two will fall out with me if I don’t. She’s not someone most of us would be friends with if we met her today, she’s just been around a long time. What would you do? I feel too old for this nonsense.

I'd say to myself

"I'm too old for this nonsense "

Let her live her life and you live yours

Leanne can fuck off. As you say, you are too old for this nonsense.

But do I remove her from the WhatsApp group? Do I privately message her and the other two to explain why I’ve done this and won’t be inviting her to anything anymore? Do I block her in social media because I know this isn’t going to go down well? She’s very immature for her age.

What has she specifically done so people don't enjoy her company?

Difficult one. I'm no longer friends with a group because I just couldn't stand one of them any longer. I did continue the friendship with the other two for maybe 6 months longer meeting separately but it got too awkward and we just gradually stopped. No arguments or anything. It just seemed so childish and I couldn't be bothered with it all anymore. The original "friend" who I couldn't stand did actually message me to apologise a few years later but to be honest it was all done and dusted by then and I had no interest in going back. Friendships shouldn't be a chore!

If she doesn't actually attend most of your get togethers then does it really matter? She can stay on the invite list and not reply or attend.

If you want to meet without her then individually message the smaller group you want to meet with and make plans with them. You don't have to meet as a big group everytime.

I think that's the best way to deal with it without the fuss. Let her make passive aggressive comments if she feels she needs to but just ignore them.

I don’t want to be specific because I’m worried it’ll be too outing. I’ve always been fairly neutral with her. I could take or leave her and I was comfortable inviting her on days out to keep the other two happy because I was always low contact with her. I think the increase in using social media for communication because of covid has made contact between us all much more frequent and it’s really highlighted these tensions and the way she expects to always be included but makes no effort to build on her relationship with me or any others apart from the two.

You probably need to accept that you'll fall out with Leanne's two friends. It might be worth it, because it sounds like they're making things uncomfortable as much as she is.

Don't message anyone to explain yourself, that way you'll only get drawn into an argument and give them ammunition for her to play the victim. Just withdraw from her, fade her out of your life, stop inviting her to things and ignore her pass-agg social media nonsense.

Re: the Whatsapp group - what's done is done and she's in it now. I think I might let that go and only remove her if her actual presence becomes actively annoying. Removing her out of nowhere might seem a little like you're stoking hostility. But I don't really know the answer to that one.

@SituationCritical that’s exactly how I’m starting to feel. That my relationship with her us a chore.

I think if the others have a problem with her being there then they should be the ones to mention it to the other two. Why should you be shot as the messenger when you aren’t bothered either way? It sounds like you end up having to do a lot of peoples dirty work here.

I'd take social media out of the equation as much as possible. Archive or leave the chats. You don't need them.
Invite people privately by texting or calling. Request that they don't post on social media. Let Leanne live her life and you live yours.

Plus what often happens is that you will be the person who mentions it on the others behalf and when it causes a bad reaction everyone else denies having said anything leaving you standing alone. Seen it happen countless of times (and had it happen to me).

So she hasn't really 'done' anything, you and a few others just don't like her.
Maybe she doesn't join in because she is well aware that she is disliked?
I feel you are equally responsible for the childishness, who thinks it's ok to decide to eject someone from a group? - if she doesn't join in anyway ignore her comments and get on with your day.

I think you’re all right in that if I say anything then I’m the messenger that’s going to get shot. I’ll stop inviting her to everything, ignore the social media comments and if the other two fall out with me there’s not much I can do about that. How should I word it if they ask why she’s longer being invited? Just say I don’t feel close to her and try not to get drawn into a big discussion about it? I’m so embarrassed by this thread. It feels so childish but I have enough stress going on elsewhere in my life that I don’t want to keep juggling the social politics of this friendship group.

I'd speak to the two friends and tell them what you've said here. She doesn't do the hobby and she has never invited you to her house etc so why should you be expected to invite and include her? I'd be pissed off that they pressurised you to invite her, yet don't pressurised her to invite you.

I'm in my 50s too, can't be bothered with this shit. Spend time and include those you enjoy being around. If some of them want to spend time with someone you don't like, they can do the arranging and inviting!

I'd probably just say to anyone who asks that you are not close to her, she's never invited you to anything and rarely attends anyway.
I did have an acquaintance that a friend asked me to include in a dinner party at my house. Our kids were friendly so thought fine. She is a bit marmite but I had nothing against her but I knew she and I would not go beyond a group friendship. Then after a few of these dinners I stopped asking her - apparently she was put out about it, even though she sometimes wouldn't even reply to an invite (probably what made me think I shouldn't bother). But I told our mutual friend that she'd never asked me to her house, she wasn't part of my closet group of friends that I did invite. I still always chatted to her if I ever ran into her. But that was at least five years ago and as my kids have left that school I never saw her. Ironically she is now doing a favour for my son - collecting him weekly for football, so I'm glad she doesn't hold it against me!

You should definitely share out the organizing duty with some of the other women who have actively said they don't want her there. Given that you can take her or leaver her, this is not your responsibility. And if the two friends who want her there, they need to organize it. Then just 'hide' her on your social media so you don't have to see the passive aggressive comments.

I think I’d probably try and shift the responsibility for organising some of these gatherings onto someone else, so they can deal with the politics of who’s invited and who isn’t. Say you’re going to be really busy at work and just won’t have as much time, or some other excuse.

Are these events at your home? Or is it more like going out for dinner or to a concert etc? If it’s the former then I think you can definitely assert yourself to say that it’s up to you who you choose to invite into your home. If it’s the latter then perhaps you could try and get the group to shift from you booking it for everyone towards you booking for just a small core group and then saying ‘we’re doing this, everyone else welcome to come if you like, please book/organise yourselves’. That might be a more subtle way of backing away from her without ending up at the sharp end of group politics by chucking her out and triggering a backlash.

Occasionally it’s at my home but most of the time it’s outside restaurant/pub etc and the past 18 months there’s been regular online zoom catch ups. I’m so used to being the one who organises because it’s in my nature and I’ve done it since we were young but I’m going to take a step back. I did ask others to take a turn arranging the online meetings but no one else wanted to do it. I think I’ll stop them and move away from social media too. I won’t post in the WhatsApp group about the hobby anymore. I’ll only text the others who actually take part. I’ve always been neutral towards her before but I’m starting to dislike her for causing this situation.

@alisonsattic

I'd take social media out of the equation as much as possible. Archive or leave the chats. You don't need them. Invite people privately by texting or calling. Request that they don't post on social media. Let Leanne live her life and you live yours.

This. Take yourself from the WhatsApp groups and invite people privately. Stop being the organiser/arranger. I always get consent from people I'm out with before posting on social media, request that you're not tagged or photos of you posted. Remove yourself from the drama. I'm not posting on any of the WhatsApp groups in on for a while and will remove myself from them. Just cause unnecessary aggro and drama.

I would do as you suggest back off social media and not organize things so much. It would be a shame to fall out with people when it is perfectly possible for you to not get involved in Lianne’s cryptic postings etc

The more I’ve thought about this today, the more annoyed I get. There’s multiple interlinking small friendship groups within the larger group and she’s the only one who causes issues. I’m going to have to step away from social media and online meetings, which has worked well for us all in staying close during covid, because of one person.

I'm not sure why you're so worked up about her. It sounds like she is a pretty small presence. Personally I'd leave her in the WhatsApp group and continue to use it and take no notice of whether she comes or not. It might be that she doesn't have many social skills and her two friends know that being in this group is a real positive for her. If she was actively unpleasant it would be different.

I think you need to decide who, for you, are the wheat and who are the chaff. If you can take or leave Leanne’s friends and don’t mind any fall out where they’re concerned, then don’t invite Leanne to anything. If they contact you and ask for you to include her, just ignore their requests (if you feel you can).
Perhaps if you feel like giving up the WhatsApp admin to others, your problem will resolve as you won’t feel th exams responsibility any more.
Don’t look at her social media.

Could you just leave the WhatsApp group to die and not use it? Less dramatic than removing yourself or her. You could then make individual contect with the ones you do want to see, if they question why Leanne hasn't been invited tell them to go for it. Chances are if she's not their cup of tea either they won't. Don't be made a scapegoat. The less said soonest mended it's ok not to like her, and you don't need to explain to anyone your preferences or actions.