Need a good talking to!

[CthulhuInDisguise]

I've recently started seeing a lovely man. We met on OLD, the first time either of us had tried that since becoming single (me widowed, him divorced). We have loads in common, we only started talking a week and a half ago yet we have been on three dates and are meeting again tomorrow, text throughout the day most days and talk all night either on the phone or by text. I've stayed over at his house, we have met some of each other's friends (accidentally, we were on our first date and bumped into loads of people we knew). We have tentatively agreed that we are ready to try a relationship and see what happens. Our families know about each other. It sounds all very fast but honestly it feels like we have known each other for years.

Our dates have been relatively wholesome - going out for coffee, to a sporting event, for a walk round a NT property, and I'm going to watch him referee a football match tomorrow. We have had sex but that was on the first night and we have met up twice since then with nothing more than holding hands and a quick snog. All the signs are there that is going well. I really fancy him.

The problem is I'm too insecure and needy. I feel paranoid if he doesn't text me back within a short space of time, even though he has already said he often works when we are not together (he has his own business as well as a full time job) so if he's not replying he's probably working, but likes seeing me text him because I make him smile. He does always ring when he says he will, he hasn't once given me reason to feel insecure. He is affectionate, funny, quite shy - but I haven't dated for over 20 years and I don't know how to act normally. I have never told him I feel panicky but I'm worried it may start to become obvious - how can I start to trust him, given that he has not given me reason not to? Please help me to start to believe in myself more and not constantly worry that I'm being dumped if he doesn't reply for half an hour! I am fully aware this is pathetic by the way. And that it's very fast - things have moved at warp speed because we have just connected so deeply.

Aww bless.

It's not easy! I think you should do whatever you can to calm down a bit. It's so hard though as the rush of emotions is difficult to contain.

LOK it's a shame you can't talk to his ex wife, she'd probably give you a few reasons to back up a bit!!

How long has he been single? What has he said about why they got divorced?

Does he have kids?

All this in a week and a half?! He always rings when he says he will? In a week and a half?! Too much, too soon. Put the breaks on!

@MerryChristmas21

Aww bless.

It's not easy! I think you should do whatever you can to calm down a bit. It's so hard though as the rush of emotions is difficult to contain.

LOK it's a shame you can't talk to his ex wife, she'd probably give you a few reasons to back up a bit!!

How long has he been single? What has he said about why they got divorced?

Does he have kids?

He moved out of the family home before the first lockdown, but had been living as friends for a few years before then - she has a new partner who lives with her and their 11yo DC. They got divorced because they drifted apart as husband and wife and decided they were better as friends. They are still really good friends now and he gets on well with the new partner.

Because we have friends in common, I asked one of them for a reference (a family friend of my parents who has no reason to lie to me). He said that he is well liked, doesn't speak down to people, is honest and very kind. I apparently work with his closest friend's daughter - I don't know her well but I know who she is - so there is no real room for dishonesty, it would be easy to unpick anything he has told me (and we have talked a lot!).

It is very much my own insecurity, the last time I dated I was 19 and didn't have a saggy body, stretch marks, a dead husband and adult DC! It just makes me feel like I'm not much of a proposition, despite everything he has said.

@PinkiOcelot

All this in a week and a half?! He always rings when he says he will? In a week and a half?! Too much, too soon. Put the breaks on!

I know how it sounds, honest. I know it's not much time to judge on. There is just this really strange connection between us, like we have known each other for ages.

So is the fear you feel more about the possibility of such an intense situation ending abruptly or is it that you think he is giving off all the right signals but doesn't mean them?

I know from experience that the feelings can be very intense when dating after a a long period with someone else.

However, I also know from experience that you are moving way too fast. The watching him referee for example is something that sounds a bit much given the week and a half you have been seeing each other.

Slow down, have believe in yourself and take it more slowly.

This all sounds lovely, and I can understand your fears. However, I would say a lot has happened in a tiny amount of time. I would say slow down and give yourself time to process it all. It’s so great you know people who can vouch for him.

It sounds like too much too soo to me.

It does sound very fast op. But that doesn't mean it's wrong. Sometimes these things are meant to be and work out great! But it doesn't stop the fear of thinking you might get hurt.

Have you got your red flag radar on? There's quite a few recent posts on here regarding new relationships which are an absolute no no.

The only thing that sticks out for me is him telling you he is 'well liked, honest, kind'

The only reason I say this is because I clearly remember my exH telling me he wasn't a selfish person on our first date. Turns out he is the absolute most selfish person I have ever met and he freely admits it now.

You just need to think about your boundaries, don't let him walk all over them if it's too much for you. If he is respectful then he will understand.

The first relationship I had after the end of a LTR also felt very intense at first, but looking back it was just the excitement.
Even if you have met this man's friends, you don't know him yet; of course you don't. So why would you trust him?
The problem is not you failing to trust him. The problem is you panicking about the possibility of losing him. You shouldn't be that invested at this stage.

Please slow down. I was like this in my first relationship after 20 years with someone else. It's the excitement and adrenaline of being with someone new. We lasted a year but I was smitten until about 4 months in and then I started to feel like I didn't have my own life anymore, we spent way too much time together, and it took me a little longer to realise it was not healthy. We didn't last because he also turned out to be a prick and I ended it.
Things are moving way too fast, slow down and make sure you take time for yourself.

Thank you all. I think why I'm allowing it to go on as it is, is that DH and I were also a bit of a whirlwind romance, I moved in with him after a month and got pregnant after three (accidentally), and we were together for 20 years, very happily. We have discussed our boundaries - my house is my house, it's haunted by DH and my DS lives here so my new BF won't be coming here, and he hasn't told his DC yet which I think is very sensible - he has had to stop his family from mentioning it over the New Year.

Gah I know I need to be careful. The refereeing thing is because we both have a shared interest in football so he thought I would find it interesting to watch a game from a different perspective and meet his FA colleagues. I must admit I'm intrigued.

How do you know when the right time is though? At 19 I jumped in with all I had, this time I am treating my assets as ring-fenced by my late DH, apart from my heart. He is only my third lover and I can't have sex without romantic feelings so I know that it isn't just lust.

It is fast but sounds like you’re communicating well & it could be the real deal. My relationship was quite quick off the ground too & it’s the healthiest and most secure one I’ve ever been in. I never understood ‘when you know, you know’ until then.

Back to your original question, I went through the same for a few weeks and kept busy. You had a life before you met so focus on not dropping usual habits because you’re in this love bubble. I also talked about it with my DP (of only 2 weeks then) and he felt the same which helped. My fear lifted after a month or so and it’s never returned.

Lust and romance sit very close together, it’s only been 10 days, you’ve had 3 dates and another one planned. His friends have met you and you’ve found remote connections in common. It’s all too fast.

Ring fencing your finances and assets after 10 days in a relationship shouldn’t even be a question, you need much, much longer even just to know who you are in a new relationship after such a long marriage. For now I’d enjoy it for what it is but just slow down, be a bit less available, carve out time for yourself, turn off phone notifications and give yourself space to reflect. Those warm lovely start of relationship feelings are all well and good, but don’t disengage your head which would tell you that after 10 days it’s very early, you don’t know him well and anything worth anything needs time to grow.

You also have a young child still to consider, I’d be keeping any relationship away from him for as long as possible, your child has lost his dad and is more vulnerable than you so go very slowly there.

I can't have sex without romantic feelings so I know that it isn't just lust
No-one's saying it's just lust. With my first post-LTR relationship it was amazing, like going from black and white to technicolour: the flowers smelt sweeter and Mr Bluebird was on my shoulder.
However, I didn't feel paranoid or panicky; it was fun. Didn't lead anywhere, but that was OK with me too, as I was ready to have an exciting fling. Would that be enough for you?

So, he would never be in your house. And he is fine with that. Ever?

Agreed though that in the first period. Like a year. Dont meet with kids. Its not wise

@Jellycatspyjamas

Lust and romance sit very close together, it’s only been 10 days, you’ve had 3 dates and another one planned. His friends have met you and you’ve found remote connections in common. It’s all too fast.

Ring fencing your finances and assets after 10 days in a relationship shouldn’t even be a question, you need much, much longer even just to know who you are in a new relationship after such a long marriage. For now I’d enjoy it for what it is but just slow down, be a bit less available, carve out time for yourself, turn off phone notifications and give yourself space to reflect. Those warm lovely start of relationship feelings are all well and good, but don’t disengage your head which would tell you that after 10 days it’s very early, you don’t know him well and anything worth anything needs time to grow.

You also have a young child still to consider, I’d be keeping any relationship away from him for as long as possible, your child has lost his dad and is more vulnerable than you so go very slowly there.

Thanks this is very sensible advice. My DS is an adult though, he knows about my new BF (found out whilst I was on the first date thanks to the people we actually saw whilst on it who have big mouths) and we have talked about it. It's 3 years since DH died, it seems like yesterday in some ways but I'm losing my sense of him at the same time. DS asked a lot of questions about my new BF and wanted to see a photo - when I showed him, he said "oh I saw that guy at the football". I won't be planning any introductions yet though, and I don't want to meet his DC until we know whether this has a future. I don't want either of our DC to feel pushed out or have to deal with a new person in their face.

Out of interest, how many dates in this period of time would be usual? I have nothing to measure it by.

Out of interest, how many dates in this period of time would be usual? I have nothing to measure it by.

You’re definitely asking the wrong person - I’m just coming out of a 30 year marriage myself so have been out of the dating scene for longer than I was in it. It just seemed quite a lot so early on. I know I’d feel a bit smothered but that’s just my feeling.

I misread and thought your child was the younger one, apologies for that I’m sure your adult DC can make their own choices about meeting etc and it sounds like you’ve given yourself time to grieve your loss. Take your time and enjoy your shiny new relationship - have fun and see where it goes.

You haven't 'connected so deeply' causing all this, a week and a half in, thats just not true. Enjoy it, slow down.

@maskedwoman

It does sound very fast op. But that doesn't mean it's wrong. Sometimes these things are meant to be and work out great! But it doesn't stop the fear of thinking you might get hurt.

Have you got your red flag radar on? There's quite a few recent posts on here regarding new relationships which are an absolute no no.

The only thing that sticks out for me is him telling you he is 'well liked, honest, kind'

The only reason I say this is because I clearly remember my exH telling me he wasn't a selfish person on our first date. Turns out he is the absolute most selfish person I have ever met and he freely admits it now.

You just need to think about your boundaries, don't let him walk all over them if it's too much for you. If he is respectful then he will understand.

Thanks, it wasn't him that said he was well liked, honest and kind, it was my dad's oldest friend who has known me all my life, and also knows my new BF through work. I asked him for an impartial reference without telling him why I was asking. This is where all the strange connections are... everything we have talked about we have found either something in common or someone in common. It's a bit freaky - living in a city that is more like a village.

Sounds like your neediness about communication and your intense connection with him are two sides of the same coin. You're feeling all the feelings, you're feeling that romantic rush for the first time in decades, it must feel like being a teenager again. It's exciting and natural!

You should try to separate your feelings from your rational thoughts and actions. And actually it sounds like you're doing this. You know the jealousy isn't based on anything - it's just a sudden rush and you're not used to it, just like the positive emotions you're feeling. You know it's sensible not to go too fast but you still feel the connection.

You can feel the excitement, that's fantastic - just remind yourself to take a step back mentally and chill every so often. When you feel needy, take a similar step back and remind yourself that he hasn't done anything to make you feel that. Enjoy your lovely-sounding dates!

Oh, and there isn't such a thing as "usual". You go at the pace you feel comfortable with, for some people that's weeks and for others that's years. Both are valid.

Your house is haunted by your DH? And as a result your new partner doesn’t come to your house?
Your only relationship experience (your husband) was unseasonably fast and it went well.
You’ve been seeing one another for 10 days and this is how full on it is?
It’s very full on (and it is) and yet you are already experiencing anxiety / worry/ etc when he doesn’t text back immediately.

There is so much going on here. What stands out to me is that you are very vulnerable.
There is a lot going on with you in terms of confidence/ internal worry etc.
Have you done any counselling since your DH passed?

You can of course go full pelt at this, and there is a chance it could be ok.
Honestly? I’m just worried that you reek of vulnerability (if someone told me their house was haunted by their ex spouse, alarms would ring) and that could very well be something being taken advantage of.

People will healthy boundaries simply don’t move this fast. If they do, they do it from the grounded pragmatic view of enjoying it for what it is and if it works out great, if not then they had fun for a while.

My concern for you is if this doesn’t work out, will you be ok? If the answer is no, then please slow this down, get some counselling and don’t make him your whole world so fast.

It is all a bit quick OP. I'm not an expert but I would say the normal amout of dates in a week and a half would be 2 or 3 and it 'should' be about 2 IMHO, once a week. www.bustle.com/p/how-often-should-you-see-each-other-when-you-first-start-dating-the-once-a-week-rule-may-be-something-to-live-by-6746073

I have never told him I feel panicky but I'm worried it may start to become obvious

I think if anything you'll get more relaxed/ it'll be less likely to be obvious, as you get used to being around him.

I would just understand "haunted" to mean full of memories, which I'd find totally understandable (lovely, really) and a good reason not to want to bring a new boyfriend there very quickly. I just broke up with my exh but still didn't want a new man in our old bedroom - how could you get in the mood?! Both subsequent bfs reacted to that as if it was normal.