Need a good talking to!

[CthulhuInDisguise]

I've recently started seeing a lovely man. We met on OLD, the first time either of us had tried that since becoming single (me widowed, him divorced). We have loads in common, we only started talking a week and a half ago yet we have been on three dates and are meeting again tomorrow, text throughout the day most days and talk all night either on the phone or by text. I've stayed over at his house, we have met some of each other's friends (accidentally, we were on our first date and bumped into loads of people we knew). We have tentatively agreed that we are ready to try a relationship and see what happens. Our families know about each other. It sounds all very fast but honestly it feels like we have known each other for years.

Our dates have been relatively wholesome - going out for coffee, to a sporting event, for a walk round a NT property, and I'm going to watch him referee a football match tomorrow. We have had sex but that was on the first night and we have met up twice since then with nothing more than holding hands and a quick snog. All the signs are there that is going well. I really fancy him.

The problem is I'm too insecure and needy. I feel paranoid if he doesn't text me back within a short space of time, even though he has already said he often works when we are not together (he has his own business as well as a full time job) so if he's not replying he's probably working, but likes seeing me text him because I make him smile. He does always ring when he says he will, he hasn't once given me reason to feel insecure. He is affectionate, funny, quite shy - but I haven't dated for over 20 years and I don't know how to act normally. I have never told him I feel panicky but I'm worried it may start to become obvious - how can I start to trust him, given that he has not given me reason not to? Please help me to start to believe in myself more and not constantly worry that I'm being dumped if he doesn't reply for half an hour! I am fully aware this is pathetic by the way. And that it's very fast - things have moved at warp speed because we have just connected so deeply.

@CthulhuInDisguise oh sorry op - completely misread your post! In that case, take your time. Most importantly - listen to yourself.

Wishing you all the happiness

I’d agree with others that it does sound incredibly fast. There’s absolutely no shame in sex on a first date but by saying you can’t sleep with someone without romantic feelings I suspect some of the intensity you’re feeling has come from that.

FWIW in hindsight I’ve always found the relationships where I’ve felt anxious, insecure or panicky are the ones where my subconscious was picking up on something that made me feel on edge, whether that be a sense that we weren’t fully on the same page, or just a lack of trust. I guess what I’m saying is be objective, but equally trust your instincts.

When I met DH it was a complete whirlwind, I was unofficially living with him within weeks and 3 months down the line properly moved in with him, but I never once felt unsure or anxious about our relationship, and almost 10 years later still don’t. So not every whirlwind relationship has to come with a side of anxiety.

OP slow down. Really, slow down.

Get to know him and enjoy spending time together before you decide this is a relationship potential.

You do not know someone after 1.5 weeks, however many mutual friends you have. I felt like that with my ex because I was friends with his sister and I had known them for years. Very different being in a relationship with them. And I had no idea about their toxic parent and how it affected him.

The first man I dated after my split was amazing for a few months. Full on love bombed me, it was destiny etc and turned out to be a liar with all sorts of issues.

I was more careful with the subsequent men I dated and the next one was lovely in many ways but not the man for me. The man I am dating now is lovely but I took it steady.

I didn't introduce the first 2 men to my kids or friends and it took many months to introduce this one.

Not just because of their feelings but also because I didn't want to feel pressure to continue a relationship because they had now been introduced.

He could be the man for you but you don't know that yet. There is no reason to rush. If he's the man for you, he will be the one even if you take it slowly.

Trust and security take time to build OP and it's not words that give us those feelings, it's actions. You're not feeling it yet because there's been no opportunity for all those little signs that he's trustworthy to unfold naturally and form a bigger picture of who he is. So it's not that there is cause for insecurity, just that there hasn't been time yet for security to build.

I understand why PP's are telling you to slow down and I agree with them in principle but I also know how difficult that can be in practice when a relationship is new and exciting! So I'm just going to tell you to take a deep breath and try to internally slow down, remind yourself that it's ok to not feel completely sure of him yet but that you will never know whether he's trustworthy if you don't give him chance to prove it.

I agree, there's no shame in first night sex. However, once sex is involved the lust tends to cloud everything. This can make it easy to fast forward very quickly and confuse the intense sexual chemistry with true romantic feelings.

You have mentioned that someone said he is honest etc. Be careful taking somebody else's opinion of him as the full picture. My last 2 exes were extremely secretive and the complete opposite to how their friends/family perceived them. They appeared to be the perfect gent. Both tried to rail road the relationship very quickly. My gut kicked in both times and I my initial anxieties were correct. These men ended up being the complete opposite to "the perfect gent" others had described. Often, true colours are hidden and revealed for those closest to them. Please trust yourself, not the word of others.

Saying all this, he may well be the love of your life. Just be very careful. Enjoy the dating phase. Take your time with everything. There's no rush. Just slow down and give yourself some space. It can be very overwhelming.

It’s been ten days!! And over Christmas and New Year too, when most people have quite a bit of stuff on. I’ll add to the chorus of people saying SLOW DOWN.

The one specific area I would slow down in is the messaging. It sounds like a lot and you say that’s what’s making you feel jittery / anxious when he doesn’t reply fast enough. I would suggest you cut right back on messaging and focus on spending time face to face - as others have said, aim for a couple of dates a week. Constant messaging creates a false sense of intimacy / knowing someone much better than you actually do. And it can be addictive in the same way social media can be - the constant urge to check your phone. I think you need to back right off on that and save the chat for when you see each other.

This is way too fast. Slow down. Why the rush?

My exh's best friend "recommended" him to me back in the day as someone who was "kind". He can actually be quite inconsiderate behind the scenes but does nice things to gain the approval of people whose opinion he values.

@ravenmum

I would just understand "haunted" to mean full of memories, which I'd find totally understandable (lovely, really) and a good reason not to want to bring a new boyfriend there very quickly. I just broke up with my exh but still didn't want a new man in our old bedroom - how could you get in the mood?! Both subsequent bfs reacted to that as if it was normal.

That's exactly it, I don't mean haunted in a ghost sense, but in a "protective bubble" sense - it was our home and it wouldn't feel right to bring another man in there, if that makes sense. I joked about it being haunted to him and knew what I meant.

Good grief, op. Slow. It. Down.

If this new relationship is meant to grow and last, it will, but you're like a runaway train right now and you're not that 19 year old girl anymore. There are many, very important, factors involved now. Most importantly, your child. You run the risk of making some very big mistakes if you don't reel it in.

To put this into perspective OP, you've known this man for as long as I've been isolating with covid. So much has been decided in such a short space of time. He won't ever be in your house, he's not told his kids but had to stop his family from letting it slip? What after a week? I'm surprised he had even told them about you.

@Thatsplentyjack

To put this into perspective OP, you've known this man for as long as I've been isolating with covid. So much has been decided in such a short space of time. He won't ever be in your house, he's not told his kids but had to stop his family from letting it slip? What after a week? I'm surprised he had even told them about you.

He wants to talk to his DC first before his parents get to, which I don't think is unreasonable. His family know he's dating for the same reason mine know - we are both stupidly happy when before we were quite steady in mood. The thing about the house - it's how I feel now. I am conflicted. It's hard when you have been widowed and still love your late DH, and my way of dealing with that is to have a safe space where I can think about DH without feeling like I'm being disloyal.

OP,

Have you had any counselling?

I think it would be very beneficial.

He sounds like a nice man, you too sound lovely and have been through so much.

Anxiety is debilitating.
You have great self awareness, so seeing someone to help you manage your emotions would probably be very helpful.

Tbh, I think you sound fine. And like you have your head screwed on.

It's lovely to let go a bit and enjoy the first rush of love, if you are too cautious it can't happen! And as long as you keep reminding yourself you are being ridiculous when you get anxious or jealous, then you'll be fine. It's just the roller coaster of emotions you are going through. As you say, like being 19, but with tye added anxiety of knowing that sometimes life goes wrong that you get with age.

I don't think MN is a very helpful place for these sorts of conversations though. A post like this is full of replies saying it's all too quick. Whereas the "childless and late 30s" posts are full of people saying they met their DPs and moved in within 3 months and are now married with kids two years later. Everyone and every relationship has it's own pace, you need to be confident in the pace of yours. If you aren't, then that is a problem

Op I think that it is lovely you have met someone you really like. Yes it is probably moving a bit quick but enjoy it and try not to panic if you don't get a txt straight back

Bit to have had a discussion about when his children will be told is odd enough. It's been 10 days! Has he already met your ds? I understand why you don't want him in your house, it's just odd that these things have already been discussed and decided. After 10 days the biggest thing you should be thinking about is where to go for dinner.

@Thatsplentyjack

Bit to have had a discussion about when his children will be told is odd enough. It's been 10 days! Has he already met your ds? I understand why you don't want him in your house, it's just odd that these things have already been discussed and decided. After 10 days the biggest thing you should be thinking about is where to go for dinner.

No of course he hasn't met my DS. Well they have seen each other but it's a long story, neither of them knew who the other was. It's way too early for that. I had to tell my DS though because someone who should have known better was indiscreet. Hence me telling my family - and we met so many of each other's friends whilst out together just by bumping into them that people found out that way. So him telling his family seemed logical. Of course we have discussed telling his DC, because his family knows and he wants to have no secrets, but also doesn't want to hurt his DC. Hence not telling him yet, but realising that he will probably find out from someone else if he isn't told. It doesn't mean I am planning on meeting him any time soon.

It just feels peaceful when we are together. We sat and watched telly together last night before bed and it honestly felt comfortable and like we had been together for ages. I just can't explain it, it's sort of like the feeling I had when I met DH but not as much stress.

Thank you to everyone for your views. I feel much more secure today anyway, we had a really good day out and night in, and talked until 2am and I am starting to relax. I probably won't see him now until next week as we are both back at work - it felt like a little holiday together being able to see each other so much. Maybe that is why it felt so intense?