Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH stayed with female work colleague instead of hotel…

33 replies

ReeceWitherfork · 02/01/2022 21:36

Opinions please….
This was over 5 years ago, but is relevant now as I’m fairly sure I’m leaving him.
DH was working away at the time and was normally staying in a hotel during the week and coming home at weekend. I was suspicious of him as he was always on his phone and it was glued to him. I managed to view his texts and there were flirty texts with female work colleague. Nothing though that confirmed anything had physically happened. But to my shock, discovered he had stayed with her in company flat instead of hotel for a couple of weeks. I confronted him, he was mad about me checking his phone and not trusting him. He said it was a 2 bedroom apartment, there was nothing going on. I’m not sure I really believed him at the time but I think I didn’t want to admit my gut instinct and so I accepted what he said. I was not working at the time and our DC was young (8).
However, since then, and due to his ED issues we are in a sexless marriage, this was another reason I was suspicious of him all those years ago.
Was I stupid to believe him? I think I’ve been a bit of a mug all these years.

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 02/01/2022 21:37

Oh don't feel bad. It's what these men do. Try and make you feel bad so you doubt your instincts.

MiddleClassProblem · 02/01/2022 21:39

If you’re leaving him anyway, then I’m not sure what difference the truth makes other than you knowing you were right and he’s a liar and a cheat.

PersonaNonGarter · 02/01/2022 21:40

Don’t feel bad. But yeah he slept with her.

HollowTalk · 02/01/2022 21:41

It makes a big difference, @MiddleClassProblem. Presumably that was part of the reason why their marriage broke down.

MiddleClassProblem · 02/01/2022 21:44

@HollowTalk

It makes a big difference, *@MiddleClassProblem*. Presumably that was part of the reason why their marriage broke down.
Right, but unless he admits it this limbo would continue and they are living him anyway. I don’t see it as a big difference. If it’s the only reason their marriage is breaking down, then sure but it doesn’t sound like it is and minds are already made up.

If by some miracle he’d hadn’t done anything, he wouldn’t be able to prove it well enough for OP to feel trust again so I don’t think it would make a difference.

Original poster
ReeceWitherfork · 02/01/2022 21:46

@KiloWhat

Oh don't feel bad. It's what these men do. Try and make you feel bad so you doubt your instincts.
Yes it was very quickly turned round to him accusing me of not trusting him and making me feel bad for checking his phone. A deflection technique he has used at other times.
OP posts:
Original poster
ReeceWitherfork · 02/01/2022 21:51

@MiddleClassProblem

If you’re leaving him anyway, then I’m not sure what difference the truth makes other than you knowing you were right and he’s a liar and a cheat.
Thanks, I’m 90% sure I’m leaving him, though I’ve done a lot of thinking and counselling I’ve tried to figure out where it started to go wrong. I never told anyone about this incident and I guess I’m just looking for confirmation. The trust was definitely gone then and it’s been downhill ever since. I’m not saying it’s the main cause but just a factor. I appreciate everyone’s opinion, thanks for replying.
OP posts:
Tippytaps · 02/01/2022 21:55

I would consider the flirty messages and emotional affair, which in someways is worse in my eyes. I do think he slept with his colleague. If he had only stayed for 1 night, I might accept that he had intentions but got cold feet. But to have stayed with her for 2 weeks coupled with the flirty messages? There’s no chance they didn’t do anything.

Don’t feel bad about ignoring it at the time, you did what you needed to do at the time to manage family life. Presumably life is more secure for you now so it is “safe” to now review what happened.

You could ask him and work through it in marriage counselling or move on knowing how you feel about it now.

Tippytaps · 02/01/2022 21:58

If it was me, I think I would want to address it in marriage counselling and see how things go from there. It is possible to heal after an affair if he is willing to acknowledge he broke your trust and puts the work in to try to repair it.

RV12 · 02/01/2022 22:25

I don't think it fair to leave someone for something they did 5 yrs ago (which even if he did cheat he evidently decided to end, and stay and support you and child). You either chose to forgive and stay, or decided to let it fester. The decline in relations since is possibly therefore not all his fault. If you are prepared to leave him anyway, I would therefore be brave and address the issue head on and try joint counselling for the issues. There is little to lose and you might surprise yourself, and also benefit yr son

TheHoptimist · 02/01/2022 22:32

My DH regularly stays in 2 and 3 bed apartments with collleagues of both sexes

So perfectly possible

Faevern · 02/01/2022 22:37

@TheHoptimist do they send each other flirty texts too and are they alone or in a group?

Original poster
ReeceWitherfork · 02/01/2022 22:38

Thanks for all replies. I’ve suggested marriage counselling to him on a few occasions, but he has always refused.
And no I’m not leaving him purely because of this, just realising that it’s all part of the bigger picture.

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 02/01/2022 22:39

Yes it was very quickly turned round to him accusing me of not trusting him and making me feel bad for checking his phone. A deflection technique he has used at other times. oh yes..classic. glad you're loosing him.

forcedfun · 02/01/2022 22:42

The messages and lack of honesty around where he stayed were ample betrayals anyway.

Honeyroar · 02/01/2022 22:43

He was being secretive over his phone and didn’t even manage to tell you that he’d spent weeks at hers?? I’d put money on it having been an affair, and even if it wasn’t it was pretty crap behaviour. Use it to keep you resolved to leave!

DDMAC · 02/01/2022 22:44

So he lied by omitting the fact that he stayed at this woman’s apartment for a week when he told you he stayed in a hotel, yet you’re at fault for looking at his phone.

TheHoptimist · 02/01/2022 22:44

[quote Faevern]@TheHoptimist do they send each other flirty texts too and are they alone or in a group?[/quote]
They all have a pretty lively WhatsApp group.
A flirty text is subjective

TheHoptimist · 02/01/2022 22:45

@DDMAC

So he lied by omitting the fact that he stayed at this woman’s apartment for a week when he told you he stayed in a hotel, yet you’re at fault for looking at his phone.
It wasn’t the woman’s apartment. It was a company flat .
LiG123 · 02/01/2022 22:48

If it wasn't a big thing why didn't he just tell you?

Id be fuming

Faevern · 02/01/2022 22:49

@TheHoptimist a lively WhatsApp group is not comparable to secret messages with a colleague and secretly staying with that one person overnight.

Galliano · 02/01/2022 22:49

My employer simply wouldn’t cover a hotel room for me in the circumstances that a serviced apartment or similar they were already paying for was available so unless I wanted to pay for somewhere myself I’d have no choice. Other factors might make you think this was not innocent but it absolutely could be.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/01/2022 23:12

Huh?

It’s a company flat, colleagues are going to stay in them together - it’s much cheaper than hotels. We’ve had several of them in the companies I have worked for. You don’t get a choice but to stay in them.

They are passion killers actually - if you do have a flutter for a colleague walking into the kitchen of a morning to find them farting as they do their morning yoga will fix it.

So you are not a mug OP, and can quit worrying about that.

Freddy12 · 02/01/2022 23:19

If he had been up front about staying in the company apartment then maybe ok but letting you think he is in a hotel and staying with a female colleague in an apartment along with the texts - dodgy as hell

Original poster
ReeceWitherfork · 02/01/2022 23:22

It was a company flat and the female colleague asked him if he wanted to stay there instead of his normal hotel (that’s what he told me afterwards anyway). His work did not make him stay there instead of hotel, I know they would not have made a female share with a male, so it was not a cost saving exercise.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread