This again...friends getting together without me...squeezed out the group...how not to mind?

[ToooOldForThis]

I wonder if anyone has any wise words...I know I've seen other threads like this.
I am friendly with a couple of work colleagues...just to the extent that we'd have the odd play date or night out, go to each others houses for a bbq etc.
The other 2, 1 male one female seem to be getting more friendly recently (nothing dodgy, their partners get on well too) and I'm aware that they are doing things separately now. I know they are adults and absolutely entitled to do that, but I'm just a bit miffed and feeling left out. Also a bit more lonely at work as feel I don't feel I have their friendship anymore in the same way...it's been tough working through covid etc and having someone to chat to, have a coffee with etc has been really important.

I know I just have to get over it and can't force them to include me, just have to let it go, but how do I steel myself to not feel hurt and lonely?

It does smart a bit.

Find yourself new work friends who will enjoy your company!

Thank you
Unfortunately very small team, and we're split for covid reasons, so it's really just them...feel like a permanent 3rd wheel!

If I'd never been in on the social stuff I wouldn't mind at all, but having been in and then being out does indeed smart.

Could you invite them to something, op?

Aw I hate that.

Are you ok for friends out of work?

I do sympathise. It may not be intentional though. Give it some time so you don't feel as emotionally charged and initiate a coffee or drink and catch up is what I'd do.

I have similar work friendships and it's not unusual for some of us to catch up without others. Groups change shape regularly without fall out.

Yes I could/will invite them, and they'd come (I think). But then they'd do something similar and not invite me. So the more that happens the less confident I feel

I don't think it's intentional or that there's any bad feeling behind it, I just feel like I've been tried out, and rejected, not as much fun, or acceptable or something

I haven’t got any advice I’m afraid, but I feel like this has happened to me a few times in my life.
I don’t know if I’m particularly sensitive to people getting together without me, perhaps others don’t mind that sort of thing, or maybe it’s that people find me a bit of a closed book or something. Either way I can empathise.

So, they have kind of found a foursome with their partners. That's shit. Try not to take it personally as it doesn't sound nasty.
Can you invite the two for work lunch or coffee?
Or as PP suggests invite them all somewhere?

They are probably just thinking about themselves/self interested (like a lot of us are).

Are you comfortable enough to let them know you are seeking company, EG 'was going stir crazy at the weekend, what are you up to Saturday, would love to get to pub or whatever.

I'm in a small team as well and the others two on the same level as me get on better with each other. One of them I like and the other one pisses me off but I'm just polite and friendly and get on with work.

Polite and friendly and get on with the work is exactly what I need to do! Well, it is what I have been doing, but simultaneously feeling like a bag of shite, and that's the part I'd like to move past!

@Juniper68 yes I do have some friends, thank you, but to be honest I did really value and enjoy this particular social group

Sorry I am still over thinking this this morning...
If we used to do things together, but now they do things without me, surely that is to be taken personally?

Not necessarily personal! Tricky though.

Would just crack on at work, where they’re most likely to continue to be friendly, and focus on other relationships.

Were the nights out / playdates just the three colleagues and not partners? If so, sounds like a key development could be the partners meeting and getting on well.

They were a mixture of both. I think my family just doesn't "fit" as well, ages of children, DH not always able to join us because of work shifts.
Looking at it from a clinical point of view I can see logically why I'd be dropped. I just miss being part of it, and work is tough enough without feeling excluded socially too.

If they get on better, are a better fit, prefer each others company, there's really nothing you can do about it apart from try inviting them to yours or making a meet up suggestion.

Even if it's personal, say, they dislike you, there's nothing you can do.

People like who they like and they are allowed to do that.

You are stewing on it. How can you let it go? Be more stoic about it.
Affirm to yourself "it's up to them".

They don't owe you a friendship or their time.

I talk to myself like this in these type of situations, to remind myself of the truth and have a bit of peace in life.

Thank you so much, this is all so true
I am totally stewing on it and want to shake that loose and just move on.
Feeling rejected and a bit lonely, I think seeing them every day makes it worse.
I listened to a really interesting podcast recently that said when you had a negative feeling, you should acknowledge it and talk to yourself about it, exactly as you describe. It just doesn't seem to be working! But I guess it just takes time

I don't think it takes time, it's just the truth versus what we want.

Instead of stewing, look into this a bit more, why do I feel it is a rejection of me?
If it is indeed a rejection of you, how can you be more resilient to that?

There is some stuff around Friendships on the baggage reclaim website, but it might not fit exactly as its more focused on toxic relationships but there's food for thought there.
Look at stuff around developing resilience.
I like Stoicism, it might not be your thing but look at some stoic quotes and if you like it, apply it.

Grow through this.
It can be a lesson, not a lessen! Get free! Leave them to it!
Look at what you do have... DH and three children.
Happily married?
So much you do have that is a valuable.
You seem open minded as well, ready to take new ideas on board. Good qualities.
Whether others value these qualities or not, you value them, they are your qualities and values.
Would you exclude someone as they have? If you would, don't do it again.
If you wouldn't, then you have different values to these other couples.
What a revelation!

You are going to feel hurt, you just don’t want to wallow in it.

It sounds like they might have found a handy foursome or as a two they have just formed a bond. I’d continue to suggest some group events and be friendly at work - it may be they are pleased to maintain the friendship with you, just their own bond is a little tighter.

In the meantime can you build up other friends outside work.

Thank you again! Wise words.
I think because I don't have such a great set up outside of work I was enjoying having a fun friendship group at work.
It feels like a bigger loss than it logically is,if that makes sense!
I will look into all these things you suggested @Moretodo

@ToooOldForThis

I don't think it's intentional or that there's any bad feeling behind it, I just feel like I've been tried out, and rejected, not as much fun, or acceptable or something

I have been in this situation but one of the two. It is absolutely not a reflection on you! Sometimes it's just a last minute thing or thinking no one else is bothered. Its just that we did and do get on very well. I'd be horrified if anyone felt rejected. It really isn't like that at all. A lot of our friends are nicer than him and certainly nicer than me! Don't fall out of friends with them but widen your friendbase too.

Thank you! I think I just the type to include everyone, and used to that with other groups...for example I sometimes walk with a group of girls, there are 4 of us in total, sometimes it can be 2, 3 or 4 of us getting together, but everyone is always made aware of the date/time and whoever is able to will come along. The invitation is always there.
I think to go from that type of set up to deliberately not inviting one of the group, means that a conscious decision has been taken to do so. Hence me feeling a bit rejected! I've always enjoyed their company but I didn't realise they didn't enjoy mine

I think all is not lost OP, and it would be worth you mentioning it. E.g., to say, "Oh I would have loved to have done that" when they are talking about something they've done. Or even to say "Ah I can't believe you went to X and didn't invite me". And definitely to initiate the inviting to something so you can get the group together. Get this slightly out in the open, that you are still absolutely up for socialising with them.

I feel like I'm part of some overlapping social circles and sometimes stuff happens without me but also sometimes with me and without others. That's all fine as long as no-one's sitting there stewing about it. You are stewing so let some of that be visible.

Thank you! Well, I suggested a little get together and got a very lukewarm response. But for some odd reason I feel a hundred times better for trying. I think I will wait a few weeks, try again and then if not just accept it's not wanted. Wobbling a little at losing that support at work.