This again...friends getting together without me...squeezed out the group...how not to mind?

[ToooOldForThis]

I wonder if anyone has any wise words...I know I've seen other threads like this.
I am friendly with a couple of work colleagues...just to the extent that we'd have the odd play date or night out, go to each others houses for a bbq etc.
The other 2, 1 male one female seem to be getting more friendly recently (nothing dodgy, their partners get on well too) and I'm aware that they are doing things separately now. I know they are adults and absolutely entitled to do that, but I'm just a bit miffed and feeling left out. Also a bit more lonely at work as feel I don't feel I have their friendship anymore in the same way...it's been tough working through covid etc and having someone to chat to, have a coffee with etc has been really important.

I know I just have to get over it and can't force them to include me, just have to let it go, but how do I steel myself to not feel hurt and lonely?

@ToooOldForThis

Thank you! Well, I suggested a little get together and got a very lukewarm response. But for some odd reason I feel a hundred times better for trying. I think I will wait a few weeks, try again and then if not just accept it's not wanted. Wobbling a little at losing that support at work.

Sorry to hear that

Be less available for the 2nd tier lower status invites such as playdates ykwim

I used to leap a foot in to the air to go for coffee or a meal out on a monday night even if i would have been happy staying in, doing yoga, having coffee on my own.

I havent cut anybody off, no strops, no flounce, but now i am braver, would find myself saying "not enough notice" or "on a monday??" Or "had arranged something else so see you next time".

Perhaps they see you as their 2nd tier fall back ms reliable friend?. They dont think they need to work at earning yr friendship?
You will just give it they have concluded.

Their prerogative. But yrs mot to be always available for the playdates.

Agree this can feel rubbish, I hope you can move on from it soon. I no longer do friendship "groups" and tend to have more individual friend who I see just me and them. However I do feel like the fallback friend as they are all in more established groups that I'm not part of and they all go on holiday together etc. I do feel lonely to be honest but am going to try more hobbies and stuff in 2022 to try and meet some new people.

Thank you! I'm honestly not sure if I'd even get the invitation .
I do feel weirdly better for making the offer, even if it was rejected!

Yes, you stood in your values, well done.
You were direct.
You assumed the best first.
You were friendly.
You were brave.

When this happened to me i decided to make inclusion one of my values. Now when somebody on the edge is being left out, i say "lets invite xxxxx"
Im direct, friendly, brave, inclusive. These are my values that i chose and i want to live by them.

🍷❤

Well done for doing some inviting/ suggesting and I'm sorry it had a lukewarm reception. But I'm glad that made you feel weirdly better somehow.

Agree with pp, continue to be direct and friendly at work.

Might feel better as you have faced up, contacted them confidently, put yourself out there.

Stoic. It is what it is. You have done nothing wrong.

Head up!

I'd say they are either having an affair or about to embark on one.

I had something like this happen to me but it was my friends from uni who decided to hang out with my ex boyfriend rather than me. It came to a head when I saw on social media that they had all been on holiday together and I knew nothing about it. Christ that hurt beyond belief. All you can do is be kind and a good person and try not to dwell on it. In my case I don't think there is any malice Intended, perhaps just a little bit of ignorance to other people's feelings and I suspect that might be the case with your situation too. Don't take it personally and also, fuck them, find better fun elsewhere.

I have been in similar situations. There’s a reason the saying “three’s a crowd” came about. Often in my life I seem to make pairs of friends and we all get on well at first and then slowly the other two start to get on better with each other. It does hurt, I still remain friendly with them but always feel a bit on the edge of the group. I have reflected on it a lot over the years and I definitely think I’m not as ready to share my innermost thoughts with friends as others are and I always hold a part of myself back. Which makes me harder to bond with on more than a surface level. I can’t do anything about that, it’s just my personality. I also like my own company and space, so I don’t want to meet up all the time and I often talk myself out of initiating meet ups.

It might just be that these particular two people have more in common with each other than they do with you, they still like you and want to be friends but they just gel and get on with each other more. If their partners also get on that will make them even closer. Make peace with that and keep open to other friendships.

Another thing I’ve found is that I’m generally an optimistic and positive person. I don’t like to say bad things about others behind their backs. This I’ve found to be a real hindrance to making deep friendships. Most of my female friends seem to love moaning and they bond over that. I just can’t fit in.

@Nosetickle so funny you should say that, as one thing I am not so keen on (looking for reasons to feel better about being left out!) is that they do spend a fair amount of time bad mouthing other people. Most of it just normal workplace moaning but I do find I have more tolerance and get less annoyed by things.

@Viviennemary i know why it would seem like that, and I might be naive but I don't think that's the case. In fact one of the reasons I think I don't fit in is because they are very coupley couples and do things together a lot, whereas my set up is not like that.
@Geogaddi that's shit I'm sorry

Yes. Very annoying.

@Geogaddi

I had something like this happen to me but it was my friends from uni who decided to hang out with my ex boyfriend rather than me. It came to a head when I saw on social media that they had all been on holiday together and I knew nothing about it. Christ that hurt beyond belief. All you can do is be kind and a good person and try not to dwell on it. In my case I don't think there is any malice Intended, perhaps just a little bit of ignorance to other people's feelings and I suspect that might be the case with your situation too. Don't take it personally and also, fuck them, find better fun elsewhere.

I think you're being very charitable about those shitheads

For what it's worth, you come across as a really sound person OP and I really really wouldn't take this evolution of the group as reflecting in any way on you. Nor are they necessarily doing anything too wrong. Sometimes the chemistry is just there or it isn't. I've been where you are but equally have done similar where a trio turned into a twosome over time and for no big negative reasons to do with the other person. Friendships are live, organic things which wax, wane and shift over time.

Haha thanks @Juniper68, that made me laugh out loud. Yes you're right there, I'm a bit of a push over, I'm slowly learning.

Thank you @theleafandnotthetree I appreciate that! This has been a tricky time confidence wise.

As someone said it isn’t a reflection on you as such, they have just developed a tight bond. Make some new friends. It’s hard not to obsess and feel hurt but rise above it xx

@Geogaddi

Haha thanks *@Juniper68*, that made me laugh out loud. Yes you're right there, I'm a bit of a push over, I'm slowly learning.

Glad I made you laugh 🙂