Is he a functioning alcoholic?

[2022janey]

Im at the end of my tether and have asked him to leave. Hes ignoring this fact and (i think ) hoping ill forget and carry on as ive done previously.

He drinks at home. I barely drink, only when out. Can take it or leave it. He would drink around 70 units per week on average. Drives the next morning early 6am. Will drive after drinking 2 pints at the pub, even with a child in the car.

Over Christmas its been a free for all, hes been in his element.

NYE he went out day drinking with mates. I pick him up hes in a bad mood. Says im boring as were just staying in (we had no plans, felt a bit unwell, kids were playing up). He starts playing music around 1030pm loud bass line. Im worried over making noise for next door plus trying to get kids to bed who are complaining they can hear the music. I just feel like im on edge flitting between him kicking off and trying to appear calm and normal for the kids. Finally get them to sleep, come down and hes sunk a bottle of wine. Proceeds to tell me he is miserable with us and im boring and cant have a laugh.

NY day, he spent a good few hours cooking a new dish. We sat down to eat, he only had a couple of drinks that i saw but he started an argument with the teen over her not eating correctly. It was no biggy, choose your arguments right? But no, absolute shouting match ensued (one sided). Then he storms upstairs in the process pushing past teen and cracking the chair against them hitting her shoulder. She starts crying, im trying to calm the situation wtf is going on?? Youngest then spills their drink as i think were all on edge at this point.

When i try to talk to him about his drinking he just minimises it. Please tell me if im right to end this. I just want a peaceful life free from alcohol.

LTB. He’s ruining your life and your children’s.

Sounds awful. Tell him if he’s that miserable with you all he can piss off.

I couldn't put up with that. It sounds utterly miserable and you are walking on eggshells.
I would also LTB.

He would drink around 70 units per week on average. Drives the next morning early 6am. Will drive after drinking 2 pints at the pub, even with a child in the car.

He's consistently driving over the limit including with a child in the car. Why are you allowing him to drive your child after drinking?

That needs to be stopped immediately.

He's abusing all of you. He's now physically harmed your daughter while pissed and angry. It's worrying you don't seem to see this is a very clear 'yes, you need to leave him' situation and perhaps that's a sign of how long this has been getting worse for. The boiled frog analogy.

Your daughter is a teen. She is learning everything she knows about what a real life relationship looks like from you and her dad. She's learning that men drink, are nasty, dictate the mood of the house and that even when they do those things women should just stay with them if they've got kids together.

So you need to break up with him as soon as possible IMO so you can start teaching her what an independent woman and a safe, happy, healthy home looks like as she's not been able to grow up in one of those thanks to this dynamic.

I think you posted thinking people might think this isn't that bad. But it is.

I think it is a bit boiled frog. Like i say, he minimises his drinking and says he's fine or he had food to eat so its fine etc whilst driving. He wouldn't ever think about meeting a friend for a quick catch up which didn’t involve the pub or alcohol. I know its bad but i also know, when it comes to the crunch of him packing, he will blame me/tell me im in the wrong/he doesnt have a problem etc etc and i just wanted some outside perspectives of how bad it is or if im being silly because ad he says “everyone has a drink at home”.

He is bringing nothing positive to you or your children's lives. He keeps complaining that life as it is, is boring for him.
It sounds like leaving is in the best interest of all. You and your kids especially!

I will never get over my mum being a bystander whilst my dad drank.
She enabled it by doing and saying nothing.
We no longer have contact because alcohol is more important than his family.
I still feel shame for how my dad behaved when I was a young teen.

Have a look at Nacoa website to understand the damage that is being done to your kids.

Not everyone drinks at home and even of the people who do:

Not everyone drinks to excess
Not everyone drinks and drives
Not everyone gets nasty after drinks
Not everyone verbally abused their family
Not everyone loses control meaning they hurt their children
Not everyone dictates the mood of the house
Not everyone upsets all the other people in the house then blames them instead of taking responsibility
Not everyone keeps their family awake being loud when they're in bed

You know who does do those things?

Arseholes. Abusive arseholes with an alcohol problem and zero care for other people.

Like i say, he minimises his drinking and says he's fine or he had food to eat so its fine etc whilst driving.

On this point (sorry, I nearly died thanks to a drunk driver so it's close to my heart) you're doing your kids a disservice. Because YOU know it's not fine to drink and drive, so you need to step up here and make it impossible for him to drive with the kids in the car. The risk is too great. Yes, he should take responsibility for that himself but he won't so that one is up to you.

Currently, your daughter is at high risk of herself ending up with a partner who is a problem drinker as this is a generational issue. That's why it's so important you end it. Did you grow up witnessing similar?

Certainly wouldn’t let him in car with kids. Report his car reg with police and tell them he is prolific drunk driver , same time kick him out 💐

He's an alcoholic. Full stop. He's making you all miserable and it won't change. Time to end it IMHO

I’m sorry that this is even a question for you and you don’t know the answer and need to ask

He’s abusive to you and the kids. It’s so awful for them to be brought up on this environment and they need protecting.

For me, coming from an abusive home I strongly believe the parent who watches and lets it continue also Carries culpability

It does not sound like he's "functioning" at all - he is ruining relationships and family life and putting alcohol consumption as #1 in his life.

You can't compete with alcohol. You have no option except to leave.

Even him continually calling you boring (for being a responsible parent) is enough. Surely if he is that unhappy you will be doing him a favour?

I can't believe you allow him to drive when drinking with a child in the car

He's an alcoholic, not even functioning by the look of it

Only you can decided the amount of shit you are prepared to put up with. However your children don't have that choice. You are between a rock and a hard place. I've been on both sides of this my mum left eventually but dragged me into the process I kicked my husband out after 25Years. None of those experiences were easy life isn't however you need to live by your values which should align with your partner. Ironically i get on with my ex better now because i don't feel the need to appease him.

He's an alcoholic.

He is putting your child's life in danger driving whilst under the influence of alcohol.

He is endangering the life of others by drink/driving.

Living with an alcoholic with your children being witness to this appalling behaviour will have long term damaging consequences.

You deserve better. Your children deserve better.

I think this is my first ever LTB. New Year, new life without an abusive, alcoholic asshole.

Not only is he a functioning alcoholic he's also an abuser and he's abusing you all, please make plans to leave him for the sake of your children

He is an abuser as well as a drunkard. Please do not keep on exposing both yourself and your kids top this dysfunctional and toxic environment.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. There is no point whatsoever in remaining with such a man.

Yes i feel like he is getting worse with his angry outbursts eg slamming doors etc. completely different person when not drinking. Shame he cant see it for himself. Ive massively withdrawn the past couple of years. I mean i even ask him tp cut down when family come over as im embarrassed. Hes out at the mo (drinking/food with mates) the house is lovely and calm. I want it like this permanently. Been together and putting up with this shit for 18 years. New year new start

It doesn’t matter whether you or a stranger on the street thinks he’s an alcoholic (he sounds like one, btw!). What matters is that his drinking and awful behaviour is hurting you and your children and making fir a scary and unhappy home. That’s all you need to know and all you need to remind yourself of if and when you ask him to leave.

Let him rant and rave and make excuses. You know his behaviour isn’t right.

@2022janey

Yes i feel like he is getting worse with his angry outbursts eg slamming doors etc. completely different person when not drinking. Shame he cant see it for himself. Ive massively withdrawn the past couple of years. I mean i even ask him tp cut down when family come over as im embarrassed. Hes out at the mo (drinking/food with mates) the house is lovely and calm. I want it like this permanently. Been together and putting up with this shit for 18 years. New year new start

You can't change him unless he wants to. You have some tough decisions to make.

He drinks too much. He's aggressive. He drives when he's been drinking the night before. He's inconsiderate towards the neighbours (loud music at night). He treats you tries to excuse his excessive drinking. You want that for your children? What role model behaviour is that?

Yes, he's a functioning alcoholic. My uncle was, too. He drank at home, was the life and soul of the party, but behind closed doors used to piss the bed, talk to his wife like dirt, call his young daughter a whore, and he'd sometimes go with prostitues. All of that came out when he died.

Ive tried to help him over the years. The one year we did Dry January together it was done under duress, and he didnt even complete it. No doubt there was sneaky drinking in there too. How do you help someone who doesnt think there is a problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

You cant help someone who won't help themselves.

The only thing you can do is remove yourself.