Is he a functioning alcoholic?

[2022janey]

Im at the end of my tether and have asked him to leave. Hes ignoring this fact and (i think ) hoping ill forget and carry on as ive done previously.

He drinks at home. I barely drink, only when out. Can take it or leave it. He would drink around 70 units per week on average. Drives the next morning early 6am. Will drive after drinking 2 pints at the pub, even with a child in the car.

Over Christmas its been a free for all, hes been in his element.

NYE he went out day drinking with mates. I pick him up hes in a bad mood. Says im boring as were just staying in (we had no plans, felt a bit unwell, kids were playing up). He starts playing music around 1030pm loud bass line. Im worried over making noise for next door plus trying to get kids to bed who are complaining they can hear the music. I just feel like im on edge flitting between him kicking off and trying to appear calm and normal for the kids. Finally get them to sleep, come down and hes sunk a bottle of wine. Proceeds to tell me he is miserable with us and im boring and cant have a laugh.

NY day, he spent a good few hours cooking a new dish. We sat down to eat, he only had a couple of drinks that i saw but he started an argument with the teen over her not eating correctly. It was no biggy, choose your arguments right? But no, absolute shouting match ensued (one sided). Then he storms upstairs in the process pushing past teen and cracking the chair against them hitting her shoulder. She starts crying, im trying to calm the situation wtf is going on?? Youngest then spills their drink as i think were all on edge at this point.

When i try to talk to him about his drinking he just minimises it. Please tell me if im right to end this. I just want a peaceful life free from alcohol.

The “ only a couple of drinks” and he picks an argument is because he’s topping up. Alcoholics drink so much, constantly, that they don’t rid their system of alcohol. If they do the tremors usually start.
You’ll find his tolerance for alcohol changes, it’s all to do with the damage it’s doing and where as it damages the stomach lining, liver and brain. Can also damage kidneys I believe but my ex was dead before it got to that stage.

It’s not a good situation for you or your children and it will get worse ( sorry) My ex drove when drunk then told me it was my fault for refusing to drive into town to get him more alcohol. If there’d been dead children on the road, as he put it, it would have been on my conscience.
They really don’t care about anything but alcohol, it rules their lives.
Please get out with your children or get him barred from the house. I started to live again once we were free of ex-h.

@2022janey

Ive tried to help him over the years. The one year we did Dry January together it was done under duress, and he didnt even complete it. No doubt there was sneaky drinking in there too. How do you help someone who doesnt think there is a problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can't help them.

But you can help your kids by not making them live in such a dysfunctional home any longer.

Thanks for all the messages. How do i approach this. Ive told him i want to end this yesterday, he was quiet looked at me like “oh not this again”. Hes carrying on as normal. What do i do to move this forward? Were in a rental. I can afford the bills on my own at a squeeze. His brother lives on his own and has a spare room. Im thinking he could go there for a start. Should i say by the end of this week to move out?? Or should i move things along more quickly??

@2022janey

Ive tried to help him over the years. The one year we did Dry January together it was done under duress, and he didnt even complete it. No doubt there was sneaky drinking in there too. How do you help someone who doesnt think there is a problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just to add, I tried everything, offered to pay for rehab with my savings, offered him holiday of a lifetime if he’d stop, and so on. Nothing worked. They can only stop if they want to and when they do there is plenty of professional help easily available. ( AA, drug and alcohol services, GP)

He will lie and say anything to turn the blame away from himself.
Some if the things I had that might sound familiar:
Boss was really embarrassed at your behaviour last night at social event, you were so drunk. ( I had to drive us home so was stone cold sober)
Driving him home from another corporate event he tried to kick the windscreen out of the car while I was driving. No idea why.
Again driving he opened the car door and went to jump out. ( often wonder why I stopped him)
Went to an alcohol support service, saw separate counsellors —- mine said alcoholics have to stop, they’ll never tolerate alcohol. His apparently told him he’d be fine if he cut it down a bit.

The list could go on and on.
It’s not your problem to solve. Your role is to get your life back for you and your kids. If you need support contact your GP or Al-Anon or a local counselling service for alcohol abuse—- they support the family separately from the alcoholic.
I really wish you well, just reading your posts that was me x years ago.

"Ive tried to help him over the years"

And where has it got you, nowhere. So stop doing this now. You cannot keep acting or act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works.

He's never wanted your help and or support either, not that you could help him in any event. He is the only one who can decide whether to stop drinking or not and there are no guarantees either when it comes to alcoholism. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

You can only help your own self ultimately Janey2022. Make this year the year you break away from him completely. Your children are and will suffer with an alcoholic in their home, this is no life for them either and alcoholism is not called "the family disease" for no good reason.

I would consider enlisting the police's help here to have him removed if he refuses and or will not go quietly.

I think its reasonable to offer him to the end of the week if you can manage for that long.
Offer to help him pack his shit up as well which might help him see that you really are serious.

If he kicks up a stink and gets aggressive, call the police and have him removed immediately.

OP the only honest answer is you need to get rid. For yourself, for your children. My DF was like this and I still have PTSD and other problems with MH. I have also struggled to use alcohol safely over the years. Please get out of the relationship. I was in my teens when it came to a head but the sooner the better. He will never change and could seriously injure the children or you.

You need to stop worrying about him and start prioritizing your children.

I would actually recommend meeting with a solicitor before you make any big changes if possible, though it is less critical if you are renting. Are you certain that you want to maintain the current lease going forward? If you don’t and want to move someone cheaper, you might be better off taking the kids and doing that now.

MN tends to label people as alcoholics if they have as much as a sherry trifle at Christmas. However, someone who drinks as much as him , is definitely an alcoholic. However I'd be unwilling to add the word "functioning" to it as that suggests he is still functioning which obviously he isn't!

I'm not one ro scream LTB but for your sake and the sake of the children you need to be looking to separate. This is not a healthy environment for any of you.

Sorry, but you are being negligent not to end it. This man is ruining your children's childhoods, and the impact of living with a nasty alcoholic will taint their lives forever. You are allowing this. Do what's best for your children and get rid him.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. Im going to tackle this again tomorrow and set it out. Im done now. I want this to change and this year it will 💪

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I would consider enlisting the police's help here to have him removed if he refuses and or will not go quietly.

That's exactly what I'd do too.

Of course he's not going to go willingly; he has not taking you seriously up to now and you've just allowed this situation to continue.

You've asked him to go, he won't, so now you have to step it up a notch - or two!

My husband is an alcoholic. We live hundreds of miles from family and friends due to work (we move around a bit), and this has lead me to put up with way more than I should have.

He hasn't had a drink for a few months now, but the choice was his. I have tried to stop him drinking time after time after time, and he would, for a week, a month, a couple of months. While I am obviously pleased he is no longer drinking, I am constantly waiting for him to fall off the waggon. It is no way to live, and my feelings for him are not what they once were.

I too tried to get mine to leave but he redused. However, it is just the two of us. With you having children it might be worth calling 999 next time he gets abusive towards you or the children and asking for their help in removing him. In the neantime contact your landlord and ask how you should go about taking him off the tenancy.

For things to get better he needs to want to change, and it sounds as if he is denying he even has a problem. Things will get worse, believe me. Call 999 next time he starts to get verbally aggressive and frightens the children and get your tenancy sorted

Hes being so nice today, this is really hard. I am going to have the conversation before the day is out. It’s difficult with kids around…

Yes but remember yesterday. Your daughter could call child protection if you won't. Get him out, it may be hard for a while but your lives will improve. Don't listen to bargaining or threats. Get help from police or women's aid

An alcoholic will always prioritise drinking. It makes them completely selfish.

He seems to think you will let this slide so you may need to use the broken record technique, repeating "I would like you to move out".

It's horrendous to live with an alcoholic and the children will be impacted. Whilst they won't want their dad to leave, they will appreciate the peace once he has gone. Trust me, when they are adults they will thank you for taking action.

He must be spending a fortune on alcohol.

Be strong and just go for it when you can have the talk without the kids about.

My mother was always nice until she had a drink. As a child i was filled with anxiety waiting for her moods to change. The anxiety has never left me.