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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Be Kind - Advice Needed

52 replies

NS22 · 02/01/2022 13:41

To cut a long story short, my partner has been caught by myself messaging random women and escorts - I found out by looking at his phone. Last time it happened and I confessed I knew he said if he ever finds out I have access to his phone etc I can explain to our DD why she hasn't got a dad in her life. I know what a ! Anyway, over Xmas whilst I've been in a different room he's at it again.... what do I do? Confess I've looked again? I don't want this anymore - I've put up with too much, but at the same time I'm scared to leave.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 02/01/2022 14:48

OP, you are living with a dick - it’s not your fault, so stop saying you are pathetic etc - you aren’t, he’s just ground you down.

Talk to your mum, try and gather all his financial info so he can’t hide money, and get out to your mum’s for now. It’s important you do it for your daughter as well as yourself, she does not need a male role model who treats women like shit. If you want more kids you can sort that out when you have a roof over both your heads. Right now it will be easier to manage with 1 child rather than 2, and your focus should be on yourself and her.

You are worth far more than this.

Original poster
NS22 · 02/01/2022 14:50

Am I young enough to start again?

OP posts:
RockinHorseShit · 02/01/2022 14:57

Our 85 yo friend left an abusive marriage at 68, she's now very happy with her 75 yo toy boy & has been for 12 years. Many other older friends are very happily single with no want or need of another full time DP

Of course you're not too old to start again

spotcheck · 02/01/2022 14:59

OP
Stop!!

Stop focussing on the next man.
Seriously!!

Do you really, really need to be with someone so badly that you are prepared to have just anyone?

By the way...
Your partner has been brilliantly manipulative: " if you don't let me do what I want, YOU will have to break DD's heart"

What an absolute prick. I suspect he has plenty more where that came from.

Checking his phone does not mean you deserve to be cheated on.

girlmom21 · 02/01/2022 15:08

@NS22

Am I young enough to start again?
You're more than young enough. You're never too old too start again but you said you want more children and there's plenty of time for that. You'll want someone who respects you and them before you have more kids anyway.
updownroundandround · 02/01/2022 15:13

He's trawling for escorts and anyone he knows or his pals have known, looking for opportunities to shag anyone FFS !

Why the hell would you even think that having that kind of 'father' in your DD's life would be a good idea ?? Hmm

Leave today for your Mum's, and tell everyone WHY !

Leave it for him to explain to both his family and yours exactly why he thinks that's OK behavior from anyone ! (And when his pals girlfriends find out, they'll view him as a dirty, disgusting pervert too!)

Move on with your life by getting yourself a new home organised, and leave any thoughts of the 'next partner' until you've learned what you're worth, so that you don't go from 'the frying pan into the fire' because you've once again based your self worth on someone else's opinion of you.

Loveisthere · 02/01/2022 15:17

Pack your bags and go to your mums. You deserve so much more than this pos

lesenfantsdelesperance · 02/01/2022 15:42

You are young enough to start again, and you and your daughter would be better without him, because he is a terrible father and a cheat. That's what you have written.
He has cheated.
He will not see your daughter again.
This is what he has told you so he clearly doesn't love his daughter. Why are still there even?

Buildingthefuture · 02/01/2022 15:50

What would I do? I’d pack his stuff and chuck it into the street whilst loudly telling him to fuck off to fuckoffsville. I would tell his friends and family exactly why I was doing it too. I’m not normally in the LTB camp and I am big on forgiveness but this loser doesn’t think he needs forgiving. He thinks it’s his right to behave like this…and do you know what, he can pull this shit if he wants to, but you DO NOT have to tolerate it. Honestly op, get rid. You and your DC deserve far more than this toe rag. And yes, you are absolutely young enough to start again!! But tbh, if I was 70 and my DH tried that shite, he’d still be down the road!!

username1987a · 02/01/2022 15:54

Don't fight over the scrag end, he sounds like an entitled bully. He's not going to change so you need to decide if this is going to be your life. Get yourself tested for STDs as if he's sleeping around, he can give you STDs that can make you infertile. That's how selfish he is. Men with an escort habit tend to have it for life, so you need to decide if this is how you want your life to be.

Original poster
NS22 · 02/01/2022 19:16

Why is getting up and leaving so daunting?! I hate it x

OP posts:
Marineboy67 · 02/01/2022 19:47

Ah once it's done it will be a he'll of a weight off your shoulders. Leave the bastard ASAP, New year begins you... I started again at 47 very happy now 6 years on!

Original poster
NS22 · 02/01/2022 19:51

@Marineboy67 - did you meet someone new? X

OP posts:
Sunbird24 · 02/01/2022 19:52

He says you can explain to your DD why he’s not in her life? Good, that means you control the narrative!

He clearly doesn’t think very much of either of you - if he’d stopped after you caught him then he could have chalked it up as a mistake. He has kept doing it though, so that behaviour is more important to him than his family.

FinallyHere · 02/01/2022 20:00

Last time it happened and I confessed I knew he said if he ever finds out I have access to his phone etc I can explain to our DD why she hasn't got a dad in her life

So he's not even pretending that he won't do it again. He is going straight for the "if you ever check up on me again, I'm leaving" you and DD. Not even pretending to co-parent.

That is setting the bar very, very low indeed.

I'd not make this about whether he is prepared to stay in his DD's life. I'd be booting him out.

Are you prepared to overlook it and just carry on in these circumstances ? When you look back on your life, how will you want it to have played out. It's not easy but it really is very simple.

I'm sorry, you deserve so much better.

needagoodnightsleep1 · 02/01/2022 20:09

He's a cheeky prick! Kick him out and let him explain to his dd why her father isn't there!! x

Whyarewehardofthinking · 02/01/2022 20:42

@Y @NS22es I did. We've been together more than a decade and he is a far better father than their sperm donor could ever dream of being.

But you don't need anyone new. You need time to work on your self, if not for you you child.

supercali77 · 02/01/2022 20:47

OP fear of not meeting another person isn't a reason to stay. The longer you leave it the more time you waste. There are no guarantees, but you can only have the life you want when chuck out the one you dont. He will not change. Youre the only one who can change here, by accepting you have to get rid of the whole man and start over. This one is broken

Original poster
NS22 · 02/01/2022 20:52

Yes, I definitely need to work on myself first. I'm probably sounding like meeting someone new is the priority - it isn't. I just like being in a relationship and sharing life with someone else.... it's just something I hope for one day. And panicking I won't have more children is huge! I adore being a mum: although appreciate how lucky I am to be one already xx

OP posts:
Philly1234 · 02/01/2022 22:11

Not only is he a deceptive individual he’s also an abusing bully. Using the threat of telling your daughter why her daddy isn’t around because you had the audacity to inconvenience him with discovering he’s a cheat? That is very emotionally abusive. Put your boundaries into place op. You and your daughter deserve so much more. Xx

Original poster
NS22 · 03/01/2022 19:17

... why are men who are like this - so good in other ways? It doesn't make up for the shit they put you through, but when day to day life is good it makes it so hard. Or am I just being stupid!!

OP posts:
Original poster
NS22 · 04/01/2022 19:29

Anyone there to talk to? I feel really scared and anxious tonight :( - fed up x

OP posts:
Snowcloud92 · 04/01/2022 21:10

You are not too old to start again, and the sooner you move out to your mums the sooner you are starting your brand new life. I know how scary it feels but once your life is back on track you wont look back. Ive been trapped in a miserable marriage and leaving was really hard, as I was already late 20s and wanting children and it all just felt so out of reach. But now 5 years later I own my own home, have a lovely new DH and a lovely baby. My life is no longer the miserable existence it was and I cannot believe how happy I am now. You can do this, the leaving is the hardest part. xx

jmj90 · 04/01/2022 21:39

Get.Out.

You do not deserve to be around this seedy disgusting individual, and nor does your DD.

His lack of respect for you and his threats involving your little ones emotional well-being are not ok.

This is a very hard situation for you, it's painful, it's degrading and it's not what you deserve xxx

jmj90 · 04/01/2022 21:43

OP I'm going through a similar situation with my DH at the moment, we have a 5m old DS and I've caught him up to so much.

I've finally had the courage to leave him. But it's so unbelievably hard. I'm also scared of starting again. But we are strong, and worthy of love.

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