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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unrealistic partner - future planning

36 replies

Lovelyivy · 02/01/2022 12:27

So me and partner live in London. Really want kids (both in early 30s). We make only 40k a year combined (minimum wage jobs). Atm we live in share house and managed to save 15K. I’m trying to make him understand that we can’t afford london and move midlands or somewhere where we can buy. He refuses to move to another (bigger) rental. But he also refuses to move out of London (he has his entire family living in London). He keeps telling me next summer we will buy and start having children. Obviously I’m not youngest and I’m wondering if I should stay or leave. I mean does anyone here believes it’s realistic to buy in London with 40k a year? (Can be zone 5+). I find his calculations strange thinking we can find a 2bed flat for 200k. He tells me I’m pessimistic … (we just had an abortion because of lack of finances so it really weight on me - on the other hand he is brilliant partner and I love him)

OP posts:

justgivein · 02/01/2022 12:33

Can he not be a bit more flexible you can buy a two bed in surrey?Epsom for example.

Didimum · 02/01/2022 12:49

If you can save another 15k in a year, you could probably get a 300k flat in south or east London (zone 3+) - 10% deposit.

Whether you should do that is another question. He does not sound like a brilliant partner whether you love him or not. He was OK with you having an abortion in your 30s when you want children rather than step up and do what’s necessary? He sounds awful.

canary1 · 02/01/2022 13:02

He is not so brilliant at all, if you’ve just had to have an abortion and he’s trying to quieter you down by saying ‘next year’ . And won’t move so he can be near his family. Lots of selfish behavior and no consideration for you.

LizzieSiddal · 02/01/2022 13:06

I agree there lots of selfish behaviour form him. It alls exema to be what he wants and decides, surely being a couple usually means compromise in situations like this?

I’d ask him to show concrete evidence of his £200K flats he thinks he can buy - from Right Move, plus a spreadsheet of how you’ll do it all in 40K, which Dc.

Original poster

Lovelyivy · 02/01/2022 13:42

He thinks having family support will help us financially once we have children and that will allow us to work. Him and his family are super close. they all have council houses they got 20years ago so they are the ones who pushed him into this thinking without really knowing how hard it is these days. It’s hard to explain to him we are totally priced out. He did show me flat or two for 200K but in my opinion some people will probably throw in more money to get it while we really can’t get mortgage over 180K. Or there is no way the flats are really that cheap/available in the moment we will be buying ….
For the abortion - it was more my decision as when I asked him what we are gonna do he wanted to keep the baby and he started going on about saving extra 10K and going for mortgage before baby is born. Still bit resentful as if he would say let’s rent and if we struggle we can get partial UC until we figure what’s next I would have keep the baby but his unrealistic atitude made me realise I don’t want to be stressed for 9months ..

OP posts:

dandydear · 02/01/2022 13:52

Can either or both of you retrain for roles which pay more ? I get the value of being close to family for kids, and your saving is impressive but it seems insane to spend 300k on what will only be a 2 bed flat and will inevitably be outgrown (as well as potentially difficult to sell) and which may not be very close to you relatives. Put another way if you can't afford something you'll want to live in for up to ten years within an easy commute (30 mins or less) of relatives then any benefit of living near them is likely to be outweighed by hosing costs.

girlmom21 · 02/01/2022 13:56

If you've just had an abortion because you can't afford a baby he's being a twat to tell you you're going to try for a baby next year without a plan.

He's not thinking this through sensibly.

Tell him to look at the costs of childcare. Ask him how he's going to support you on (presumably) SMP.

Ask what happens when you buy a house and the boiler breaks - because you sure as shit won't be able to save with a mortgage and child in London while on minimum wage.

Original poster

Lovelyivy · 02/01/2022 13:58

I’m in university now hoping to be earning 30-35K in next 3-5 years. He is trying to apply for train drivers jobs so we are hopeful… but obviously I don’t want to wait for having kids in my 40s… I guess only time will show…

OP posts:

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/01/2022 14:01

he sounds delusional

Where in London?
And i agree with others he is not thinking sensibly.

Not that it will do much for you due to shortages but Are you registered on council house waiting lists?

Original poster

Lovelyivy · 02/01/2022 14:02

Not yet- we will register once we’ve been in borough for 5 years. But as childless couple we don’t stand a chance. We are based in south east london - lewisham. But his family is close to Heathrow airport …

OP posts:

RagzReturnedUnwrapped · 02/01/2022 14:03

@Didimum

If you can save another 15k in a year, you could probably get a 300k flat in south or east London (zone 3+) - 10% deposit.

Having the 10% deposit for somewhere costing £300k doesn't mean you'll get a mortgage for £270k on a £40k income. That's nearly 7x income.

Dillydollydingdong · 02/01/2022 14:08

If you don't mind shared ownership in a slightly less salubrious area, it might be possible. It would be a flat though, not a house.

RagzReturnedUnwrapped · 02/01/2022 14:09

OP I sympathethiae as my DH is equally unrealistic. We rent and he is convinced we can buy the house we are renting. When we moved here 10 years ago, it would have cost about £200k in the state it's in (needs a lot of modernising), but now it would be more like £270k. He doesn't understand that. He also doesn't understand that a combined income of £40-50k won't be enough to get a mortgage for it. I've done the calculations/online calculators.

I'm looking at shared ownership as our only option, will mean moving our of the lovely little village we live in, but not too far that I'd have to change jobs. Alternatively, we move far away but I don't really want to do this while the DCs are in education.

But we can't afford to live here. We are very lucky we found a cheap rental 10 years ago, we could never afford another here. He doesn't get this. Thinks we should be able to stay here, but it is totally unrealistic.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2022 14:14

You need to focus on completing your education, getting a decent job, and hopefully saving up for a few years and then you can think about having a baby. Perhaps you should think about wether this relationship, and your partner, are enough for you.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/01/2022 14:19

@Didimum

If you can save another 15k in a year, you could probably get a 300k flat in south or east London (zone 3+) - 10% deposit.

That's out of the question on £40k I had a £30k deposit and on £43k my maximum borrowing was £208000. Where can you find a property in london for £230k?

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/01/2022 14:23

I don’t think it’s selfish of him not to want to move hundreds of miles away where presumably he knows nobody and probably worries the two of you will end up isolated with a baby and no family support. That’s a big sacrifice to make for anybody. The two of you need to have a realistic plan for your future which you’re both happy with. If being home owners before you have a baby is a priority for you then look into either shared ownership or buying a one-bed flat now on the basis that a baby doesn’t “need” it’s own bedroom or have much stuff until it’s about two and moving out of a cot, by which point you’ll have graduated and have the higher income which allows you to move to a bigger place.

2bazookas · 02/01/2022 14:36

I’m wondering if I should stay or leave. He tells me I’m pessimistic … (we just had an abortion because of lack of finances so it really weight on me - on the other hand he is brilliant partner and I love him.

IF you loved him and if he was a brilliant partner, you would not be contemplating leaving him.

"We" didn't have an abortion, you did.

Flowers500 · 02/01/2022 14:39

He doesn’t want to move far away from family and if you want children they are a massive bonus, so you can both work ans have support e.g. when they are unwell.

The area out by Heathrow is also not terribly expensive, and has great transport links.

The problem you have is that you are both on extremely low incomes, in a city where there are more educational and work opportunities than anywhere else. That’s on both of you. What education levels are you at? When you don’t have children it js perfectly possible for you both to be in full time education (for free) while bringing in a full time salary. You both need a firm plan for how to get to 40k plus in the next 5 years, while saving everything you can. At that point you’d then be able to comfortably afford a 2-3 bed in the Heathrow area.

Ideally however I’d try to buy ASAP, a studio in outer London if that’s what you can afford in 2 years.

Are you using help to buy isas? They’ll massively boost your deposit.

billy1966 · 02/01/2022 18:23

@2bazookas

IF you loved him and if he was a brilliant partner, you would not be contemplating leaving him.

"We" didn't have an abortion, you did.

This.

OP, life with an unrealistic delusional man will be very tedious.

Focus on your education and imroving your prospects.

I think if you don't wish to be the adult in the relationship, end this and move on.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/01/2022 22:21

Hi OP
I know your issues go deeper than this...but can't you just visit a mortgage broker or actually talk to some estate agents? Both of you can say that you cant / can't afford things but surely it's an easy one to prove or disprove by a bit of actual research. When you know where you are then any decisions will be much easier

maskedwoman · 02/01/2022 22:30

Both of you together speak with a mortgage advisor. That should help him realise he's being completely unrealistic.

I'd be thinking more about your actual relationship though to be honest. You don't really seem to be on the same page....more of a case of you need to be on his page. I'd really think before having children.

irene9 · 03/01/2022 02:08

If you are buying next summer, is that 2022?
If he gets a new job there'll be a probation period too. Apply for a mortgage now just to see exactly what you can afford. That process will focus your minds.
The more you can push him into reality the better. Otherwise it'll be just kick the can down the road and no hurry on his part.

Didimum · 03/01/2022 10:12

@RagzReturnedUnwrapped @CloseYourEyesAndSee I didn’t note the combined income. Doh.

EarthSight · 03/01/2022 11:22

You need to take this on board as a warning sign.

Being on the same page financially is very important.
Not being delusionally optimistic us important.
Not shutting down or dismissing your partner by calling her pessimistic for bringing up inconvenient facts is important. It won't fix things. You cannot bury your head in the sand.

I used the HSBC mortgage calculator tool for you. To get a 200k house on 40k combined salary a year, you would be allowed to borrow 190k.

If you borrowed 185k (because you would have a 15k deposit), chose a 25 year mortgage length, your monthly repayments at 3% interest would be around £877 a month. Add council tax and bills and you're looking at a monthly bill of at least £1000k once you add in council tax and internet. Food bills, gas, electricity, transport, flat repairs if it needs any would then take it up to maybe 1300k or more. Private pensions, savings money for medical bills, holiday money would be on top of that.

I chose 3% rate because after the initial fixed rate, you would be on a variable rate, and you repayments rare could go up to 3% or more.

You said he was trying to apply for train driver jobs. Do you know for sure he's actually applied for one or has he simply said he's working on it? As far as I'm aware, becoming a train driver us a pretty rigerous process. Do you think he can cope emotionally if one day someone throws themselves on the tracks?

You need to ask yourself how you would feel if you got a 30k job, and he either changed his mind on being a train driver or simply wasn't successful. What's his plan B, and would he be willing to do that plan B? Please don't be one of the many women who thought their partner would change and step-up once the baby came along.

Maybe you can get a flat for 200k in London, but will it be an area that you want to live in? Will it be safe or family friendly? Have a park nearby for the kids?

EarthSight · 03/01/2022 11:23

Repayments rate*

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