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Original poster

New to OLD. Should I be upfront about having children?

36 replies

emilynotinparis · 02/01/2022 07:15

I'm 34, two young preschool aged DC, and I'm separated.

I'd like to start dipping my toe back in to the dating pool.

How upfront should I be about having DC? Do I put it in my intro (fear I'll put a lot of men off from the get-go)? Or do I raise it after chatting to a guy for a bit?

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/01/2022 07:27

Put it in your profile. You don’t have to go into detail at this stage but there’s no point leaving out an entire important aspect of your life. I don’t want children in my life and so when dating wouldn’t have been interested in men with children. Very annoying to waste time on them for them to later reveal we were totally incompatible when it should have been clear immediately.

AdriannaP · 02/01/2022 07:28

I would be worried about attracting men who target women with young children.

Fatherliamdeliverance · 02/01/2022 07:31

Upfront, 100%. I think most sites allow you to include it in your profile as a setting. You don't need to give details re children's sex or age. Some people want to date those without kids for whatever reason and it's a bit of a waste of their and your time to get into a conversation.

If you choose not to include it on your profile, mention it early in conversation, not wait until you meet. I've met a couple of men whose settings have said they don't have kids, spent the time getting ready and going on a date, and been told in person they have children, and some of them in quite complex circumstances.

Plenty of men are happy to date women with kids, so it won't restrict you that much, but will be a useful way of filtering out those who don't. Good luck with it!

myrtlehuckingfuge · 02/01/2022 07:31

Put it on your profile if you are after something more than fun. It prevents an awkward situation. I have tried not putting it on my profile and raising later in person with very varied results. If anyone is put off by the fact that you mention children on your profile they aren't the person for you anyway!

Original poster

emilynotinparis · 02/01/2022 07:33

@myrtlehuckingfuge

That's very true, thanks!

OP posts:

RedWingBoots · 02/01/2022 07:33

Don't put it in your profile as you will attract paedos and other weirdos who think you should be grateful for a sex.

Do mention it immediately when you start messaging and definitely before you arrange to meet up with a man. A lot will then then make excuses to not to meet especially as you aren't also divorced.

russianred · 02/01/2022 07:35

I didn’t put it in my profile as I felt funny about who might be attracted to me because of it - I think some people could prey on a woman’s perceived vulnerability as a single parent, I mentioned it very early on in conversation so nothing was a secret, I had a very successful time on Bumble at 34 4 years ago and met my partner through it. Good luck - enjoy!

ThirdElephant · 02/01/2022 07:36

@RedWingBoots

Don't put it in your profile as you will attract paedos and other weirdos who think you should be grateful for a sex.

Do mention it immediately when you start messaging and definitely before you arrange to meet up with a man. A lot will then then make excuses to not to meet especially as you aren't also divorced.

This

ImustLearn2Cook · 02/01/2022 07:37

I also would be concerned about attracting the type of men who target women with children. I wouldn’t mention my children on old at all. You don’t know anything about the people looking at your profile.

Plenty of time to tell someone who you have dated and gotten to know a bit better irl that you have children and see where it goes from there.

IHateCoronavirus · 02/01/2022 07:40

Agree with not putting it on your profile for safeguarding purposes.
Do mention it early on to save time and energy on those who wouldn’t be interested. A good person will understand your reasons for protecting them.

litterbird · 02/01/2022 07:47

If you match with someone and start chatting I would let them know within the first communication that you have young children and that you are not divorced yet. When I was out there on dating apps I specifically was looking for a man who was divorced and either had no children or adult children. Its just good manners to let your match know as soon as possible so they can either move on or continue. Just a word of caution, if you spark up with someone make sure you get to know them for quite some time before introducing them to your children.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/01/2022 08:03

Don't put it in your profile as you will attract paedos and other weirdos who think you should be grateful for a sex

Whilst I know the world is a scary place , I don’t agree with this . If and when I venture back I’d mainly want to meet other single parents anyway

I’d mention but briefly , personally
It’s too big a deal not to

DillonPanthersTexas · 02/01/2022 08:08

Don't put it in your profile as you will attract paedos and other weirdos who think you should be grateful for a sex

How much of a risk is this? Genuine question.

XmasElf10 · 02/01/2022 08:08

I’d put it in my profile. I don’t want to waste time getting to know someone who is totally put off by the kids thing. I also make it clear that I don’t want more kids and wouldn’t consider dating anyone who wanted a baby (starting to get too old now anyway 🥳)

HappyToSmile · 02/01/2022 08:29

If you dont feel comfy adding a simple "Mother of 2" to your profile, it would naturally come up pretty soon if you match with someone anyway.

sofato5miles · 02/01/2022 08:36

I put the fact that i was separated and had children in my profile.

I met someone who was looking for someone who was busy, fulfilled and didn't need too much from him. We both wanted compartmentalised companionship.

However, it didn't work out like that, we fell in love- so you never know. Honesty is the best policy and then a very slow introduction phase later down the track.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/01/2022 08:53

@IHateCoronavirus

Agree with not putting it on your profile for safeguarding purposes. Do mention it early on to save time and energy on those who wouldn’t be interested. A good person will understand your reasons for protecting them.

Yes this.

FabulousMrFifty · 02/01/2022 09:02

I think you should put it in your profile, as a PP suggests, or if not comfortable with that if / when you get to the chat stage, you need to raise it quite early as will put some men off, and would waste time for both of you.

ArblemarzipanTFruitcake · 02/01/2022 09:06

I think you should mention it in the profile, but not be specific about their ages or anything. If you think that's too much of a risk, you need to mention it very soon after you start chatting - it could be a deal-breaker for some.

CouldThisReallyBe · 02/01/2022 09:19

@DillonPanthersTexas

Don't put it in your profile as you will attract paedos and other weirdos who think you should be grateful for a sex

How much of a risk is this? Genuine question.

I've been OLD on and off for 15 years and this has never crossed my mind, either as a parent or when meeting / dating people.

I would definitely put it in your profile. If I started talking to someone who left out a fundamental bit of information that might change the course of whether I wanted to get to know him better that would be an instant red flag.

lap90 · 02/01/2022 09:24

Why waste time chatting to someone for a bit only to find out potentially they don't want to date someone with kids?

Best be up front.

Ohpulltheotherone · 02/01/2022 09:50

@RedWingBoots

Don't put it in your profile as you will attract paedos and other weirdos who think you should be grateful for a sex.

Do mention it immediately when you start messaging and definitely before you arrange to meet up with a man. A lot will then then make excuses to not to meet especially as you aren't also divorced.

Or she could protect her kids and herself from people like that by ensuring she has a strong set of boundless ie not introducing kids to a partner for a decent amount of time? Being aware of red flags? Meeting his friends and family?

Meeting someone online is no different to meeting someone in a bar. A man could easily ask you within 30 seconds of a normal “chat up” scenario to ascertain if you have kids or not.
Sex offenders don’t wear badges so you have to take precautions either online or not.

No point scaremongering - just be smart about your dating process either online or irl

Milomonster · 02/01/2022 09:54

I raise it when we start chatting. It’s never been an issue. I always say that I understand that some guys may not wish to date a woman with kids, and I perfectly understand. They appreciate it.

pisspants · 02/01/2022 10:06

I've done a lot of OLD over the last 8 years and have always put it on my profile but not mentioned it in the bit about me or put much about them. I have other boundaries in place so will not give out my number until have a proper spark, won't meet unless think there is a reasonable chance of them.being prospective relationship material and they wouldn't meet my kids for at least 6 months if did start a proper relationship. Although there are predators out there I think by being alert to red flags at all stages you can still do your upmost to protect yourself and your children. I know I'd prefer a man who had children (as would have more in common in terms of.lifestyle) so may be less likely to reach out if they didn't have it on their profile and assume guys would be the same.

jfhguseorjgijaerigjarfgj · 02/01/2022 10:48

I would def put it in profile - you don't need to put any other details about the kids. And like others said, you put other boundaries in place. It can be awkward to introduce it early in convos, and upsetting if someone you were getting on with then gets put off.

I never met up with totally random people through OLD. All those who I met up were people who I had mutual contacts with/ were in the same field of work. They were all vet-able online before meeting up with them. Half the point of using apps is that if you have social media accounts and link them, they will give you matches who you have some degree of contact with.

I mostly used hinge and there is just a box you tick saying whether you have kids and whether you want them. I had a good experience on it and met my partner.

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