I want to live alone but still be with DP

[NightOwl19]

I don't think for a minute DP would ever accept this and practically we couldn't afford two homes to run and I know the amount of time we would spend together wouldn't solve my problem.

Basically I'm so tired! We're a blended family he has previous DC as do I and we have a DC together.

Once lockdown hit and with us both being home, I can't really sit still so I constantly got on with bits and bobs and got things done (while he's happy to sit on his phone) and since that it's just become the norm/expectation that I do everything. If I ask for help, sometimes I'll get it but it's hit and miss.

We've had so many problems with his DC and mine treating me like a slave. Take clothes off drop them and telling me their mum wants them clean so I need to wash them, drop rubbish knowing it will be me that picks it up, ignoring anything I ask, but constantly asking me to take them places and buy them things.

In the last year DP has got lazy with the DC so they automatically come to me for every little thing, even when I'm busy and he's sitting down they won't ask him it's me.

A few months ago I broke. I ended things said I couldn't cope. He's a rude and treats me exactly the same as the DC and seems to think that's fine. He said he didn't realise how much he's took the piss and would change. We agreed a division of household jobs but that lasted 2 weeks then we got covid and everything went back to me when we were well again.

I've brought it up multiple times that everything seems to be my job again and he doesn't acknowledge it.

I do everything for our home, pets and DC. The youngest is full on and hard work but he will happily carry on on his phone while I'm followed around screaming because they want picking up, but then he can be good on the floor playing but on his terms.

I'm so tired.

I'm tired of the mess, the clutter. I don't get to shower daily sometimes because I physically don't have time. Anything I want to do isn't a priority but he's out the house hours daily because doing his thing helps his mental health.

If I bring it up it makes him depressed and he tells me how low and down he is, how he doesn't deserve me and I deserve more and without me he couldn't live on (but doesn't make any effort to change).

I'm sick of mess, the house is a mess because I don't have time to clean and I'm one person trying to clean up after 6 people.

He isn't all bad and I know this post makes him out to be terrible but since covid he has been in a mentally bad place so I try and get on with everything to try and help his mental health but I've realised I don't want to live my life this way.

How do I change it

Some things which you could try are:

Start by stopping doing any things which are just for him eg washing his clothes.

Put some boundaries in around what you are happy to do. Eg I am going to shower every day. And then do it.

Start going out more - supermarket, coffee with friends, work meetings etc. If you are out of the house he will have to parent them all.

Book yourself and your kids a few weekends away with family etc. Don’t prepare anything for him - just go. Hopefully this will force him to focus on his own kids more.

Choose one job which won’t impact the kids too much that it was agreed he would do and just stop doing it. Whatever happens just don’t touch it again. Once he’s got the hang of that do the next one. It might mean that you have to live with bin jenga for a bit but hold firm!

But the other option of course is to think about moving out. .......

Living separate sounds ideal. If he doesn’t like it he can jog on.
You are free, you’re not married.

I’m sorry OP but you’re ‘d’p knows exactly what he’s doing.
He won’t change because he knows you’ll put up with this behaviour.
From today you have a mantra.
When dsc come to you say ‘ask your dad.’ Every time.
When dsc leave a mess make them pick it up. Or tell your dp that if he doesn’t wash their clothes then they’ll go home dirty.
Have your shower, prioritise yourself.
If he doesn’t cook a meal twice a week then you eat toast that night.

You have two choices, you set boundaries and stick to them or you split up.

In all honesty wouldn’t you be better leaving with your DC?

He’s lazy and unappreciative, you’ve asked him to change his attitude and he doesn’t want to, why would you leave but maintain a relationship?

He’s behaved horribly.

Would stop cohabiting and indeed end the relationship.

Staying in a relationship with someone who behaves like this isn’t benefiting you or any of the DC.

Lots of us have MH issues and do a fair share of domestic work and parenting!

Has he sought help and taken steps to work on his MH? Excessive phone use is unlikely to help!

Stop enabling his behaviour OP.
He is only doing this because you are allowing him.
Just do the bare minimum. I recently took more hours on at work so the days l am late home, DH cooks because we are a team. You would be better off on your own if he doesn't get his shit together

You don't mention if either of you work?

To be honest, my opinion of who sorts out shit at home and how domestic chores and childcare should be divvied up depends largely on how many hours either you or him spend doing paid work to support your family.

I personally don't believe in you sorting your kids out and him sorting his kids out as has been suggested. You are either a family or you're not.

But for you to have no time to even shower while he pisses about on his phone does sound shit, I agree.

He sounds awful. He did the bare minimum to keep you around and then reverted back.
Why would someone who supposedly love you want you to live the life you currently have?

Leave him.

I second telling your step DC to ask their dad to do stuff when they come to you. Especially the washing.

I did that and we"re not a blended family!

You don't mention the DC's ages but they are undoubtedly old enough to put dirty clothes in the washing basket.. So be clear that nothing gets washed unless it is put in there. Don't pick up after them. If they ask where the favourite jumper is - it is on the floor in the sitting room where you left it. This worked for my DC.

@GoodnightGrandma

So you do everything and look after his kids. I bet you shag him too. Really, do you have any self respect ?

Wtf! There's no need for comments like this

Honestly you do need to live apart. It's ridiculously unfair and he also needs to teach his kids some respect. And you need to do the same with yours.
I don't know if this will help but I follow a lady on Instagram called Jess and she has a blended family too. They have ended up having to move apart and live in separate houses each with 2 teen boys each and a little boy between them. It's a bit of insta perfect looking but she is honest and tells how it is.
https://instagram.com/theonlygirlinthehouse?utmmedium=copyy_link

‘Ask your dad’
‘That’s your dad’s job’
‘Do your own/kid’s laundry’

Turn off the WiFi until jobs are done. Change the password. Call a family meeting and tell them what they have to do and the consequences of not doing it.

Stop doing everything. Stop taking responsibility for his work. Go out and leave him to it for at least an hour a day. Just pick up your keys and tell him you’re off out from the doorway. Don’t cook the dinner and see what happens. Don’t wash up. Just stop.

I’d just dump him again and for good this time. He doesn’t actually care enough about you to parent his own children, or pick up after himself. why should you expend yet more emotional energy and thinking into how to get him to change? I’d dump my dh if he behaved like this and that would be re our children together.

Why all these instructions for how the OP should wage war on the household?

She’s said she wants to live alone. That’s what she needs help to achieve.

OP, why do you say the two of you couldn’t afford to run two households? Surely you lived alone with your children before? I understand there is one extra child now? Do you mean you have become financially worse off since / because of cohabiting with another family?

How did you feel about him when you split up OP? Did he move out? He begged you to get back together, but did you actually WANT to get back with him?

Personally, I'd end it. Your DP and his DC treat you like a servant and no way would I tolerate that in my own bloody home. Your DP uses his MH as an excuse to get out of doing anything, he fucks off out of the house 'for his mental health' and he guilts you into accepting that and doing everything for him and his kids. Fuck that! He's making a mug out of you OP and using his MH as a stick to beat you with.

Yes, would do whatever you did before for housing.

If you want to move out you can.

Or refuse defer back to Dad. Draw up a rota. With my teen I call him down to put dishes in the kitchen, I don’t do it for him.

I would tell dp you are going to leave if it doesn’t change. You can’t do it all. How old are the children? I expect my teen to help but have for many years

Just to clarify - if you both have kids from before AND you have kids together, how can you leave and live alone ?

OP you have to leave for the sake of your children. They aren't getting the best of you while you're running around being a slave for some bloke and his kids.

Sorry if I'm stating the obvious but objectively, why would you even want to stay with him? He's proven time and again that he's not bothered by how these things affect you. Mental health issues or not, he is horribly selfish. He's unlikely to change. IMO, if he is a decent person deep down like you say, the only thing that might make him change would be losing you and having to fight to get you back.

You have little to gain by staying and little to lose by leaving.

Either find your own place or arrange some weekends away so you get a break. If DP can't step up and ensure the house and kids are looked after while you're away then you know what you need to do.

@Youngstreet

I’m sorry OP but you’re ‘d’p knows exactly what he’s doing. He won’t change because he knows you’ll put up with this behaviour. From today you have a mantra. When dsc come to you say ‘ask your dad.’ Every time. When dsc leave a mess make them pick it up. Or tell your dp that if he doesn’t wash their clothes then they’ll go home dirty. Have your shower, prioritise yourself. If he doesn’t cook a meal twice a week then you eat toast that night.

You have two choices, you set boundaries and stick to them or you split up.

Totally agree with this, too.

This really isn't fair on you or your dcs. He's primarily responsible for their needs, not you. He's offloading the "wife work" on you. Not on at all.

I live with my boys. Dp lives separately. This isn't the cheapest way of doing things but gives everyone space and has always worked really well for all of us. I don't think dp and I will move in together until the boys leave in a couple of years.