I want to live alone but still be with DP

[NightOwl19]

I don't think for a minute DP would ever accept this and practically we couldn't afford two homes to run and I know the amount of time we would spend together wouldn't solve my problem.

Basically I'm so tired! We're a blended family he has previous DC as do I and we have a DC together.

Once lockdown hit and with us both being home, I can't really sit still so I constantly got on with bits and bobs and got things done (while he's happy to sit on his phone) and since that it's just become the norm/expectation that I do everything. If I ask for help, sometimes I'll get it but it's hit and miss.

We've had so many problems with his DC and mine treating me like a slave. Take clothes off drop them and telling me their mum wants them clean so I need to wash them, drop rubbish knowing it will be me that picks it up, ignoring anything I ask, but constantly asking me to take them places and buy them things.

In the last year DP has got lazy with the DC so they automatically come to me for every little thing, even when I'm busy and he's sitting down they won't ask him it's me.

A few months ago I broke. I ended things said I couldn't cope. He's a rude and treats me exactly the same as the DC and seems to think that's fine. He said he didn't realise how much he's took the piss and would change. We agreed a division of household jobs but that lasted 2 weeks then we got covid and everything went back to me when we were well again.

I've brought it up multiple times that everything seems to be my job again and he doesn't acknowledge it.

I do everything for our home, pets and DC. The youngest is full on and hard work but he will happily carry on on his phone while I'm followed around screaming because they want picking up, but then he can be good on the floor playing but on his terms.

I'm so tired.

I'm tired of the mess, the clutter. I don't get to shower daily sometimes because I physically don't have time. Anything I want to do isn't a priority but he's out the house hours daily because doing his thing helps his mental health.

If I bring it up it makes him depressed and he tells me how low and down he is, how he doesn't deserve me and I deserve more and without me he couldn't live on (but doesn't make any effort to change).

I'm sick of mess, the house is a mess because I don't have time to clean and I'm one person trying to clean up after 6 people.

He isn't all bad and I know this post makes him out to be terrible but since covid he has been in a mentally bad place so I try and get on with everything to try and help his mental health but I've realised I don't want to live my life this way.

How do I change it

Sorry, I missed the bit about why you want to stay with him? why is that?

If he's so depressed he can't run the hoover round, he needs to talk to the doctor.

The kids all need to learn some respect. If they're old enough to tell you their mom wants their clothes washed they're old enough to put them in the right place so their dad can wash them.

Do what you need to do for you and your childrens health and well-being.

Don't do anything extra for him. If anyone wants something and you're busy, send them to him.

You need to dump him. You've told him how all this makes you feel and all he's shown you is that he doesn't really care.
I totally understand why you want to live separately, the only thing I'm confused about is why you want to still see him at all.
I've had depression and I still managed to do stuff around the house and cared about my partner.
I really don't understand what you see in him.

He's shown you who he is, You've dumped him, he promised to change and hasn't. You've reminded him of your agreement after you got back together and he's not doing it. You've a few choices

Leave him

Move out and tell him you're happy to continue the relationship but not live together - it's then you to him if he wants this

Stop doing anything related to him and his dc. No washing of clothes, if they make a mess, scrape it up and put it in their bedrooms, no more buying stuff or running them around, their mum wants clothes washing, he does it.

Or you continue to be unhappy and carry on as you are

Please op, no more warnings, just do it. It shouldn't come as a surprise or a shock to him and he obviously thinks you don't mean it as you're still there and still picking up after them all. Even if he cries and says things will be different you know it won't last. 2022 is the year of change, go for it.

Thank you for the comments, to answer a few questions.

It wasn't always like this, pre covid and lockdown we worked so well. There was balance and equality but then when lockdown happened and furlough, DC home schooling, he became depressed and everything changed and now seems to be the expected normal.

we've done family meetings before and he agrees with everything I say regarding the DC, their behaviours and how things needs to change but then he doesn't change and everything goes back to normal within a few contact days.

Regarding running two households, we've been together a long time so naturally finances murge, he would have to leave and then it's an rental deposit, two lots of rent, gas electric water so not as easy to do

Why would you want any contact with him, he sounds like a dick. He doesn't respect you, or love you, to treat you like that. Walk away and have a better life for it!

Can you have another family meeting and spell out that all washing of clothes, changing of beds, purchasing items, taxi services for his dc are his responsibility. Make sure the dc are also aware. I'd also go so far as to say that you will cook for everyone, however if the washing up isn't done then the next days meal won't be cooked by you. If this happens take yourself out to eat and leave the dc and your dp to fend for themselves.

If he's too depressed to wash up or run a Hoover around he needs medical attention straight away

‘he became depressed and everything changed and now seems to be the expected normal’

That’s very passive. He stopped sharing the work: you did it all. He behaved in certain ways, for up to two years. you have done way more than your fair share and put up with the way he’s treating you.

His behaviours suggest that he’s unwilling to change.

‘Family meetings’ are pointless when the primary problem is your DP’s behaviour.

Has he taken steps to work on his health and/or sought help?

Whose property is your current home: yours, his or shared mortgage loan?

You say ‘he would have to leave’ which implies the property is yours. If so, then you’ve been even more of a mug!

He doesn't give a second thought to how you cope. He's amongst the laziest I've read about on here (and there's a hell of a lot of competition.) Why are you worrying about how he'd manage if he left?

He and his children are a terrible example to your children. Your own children will treat you like a slave if they see everyone else doing it. For their sake alone you should leave. What kind of adults do you want your children to be? What sort of relationships do you want them to have?

Your mental health would massively improve if you separated. Your finances would, too, I bet. You'd have more time, your children would be happier and so would you. There isn't one reason to stay with this man.