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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

From everything to nothing

41 replies

scorpiogirly · 02/01/2022 00:52

It’s taken me a few days to decide to write this. I don’t know really what I am looking for, maybe some understanding of the situation?

Another follow on from the secrecy thread. I posted a new one as the others are long.

Quick recap - boyfriend (now ex) keeping me a secret from his ex, decided to tell her and the crap hit the fan.

Since then…. I spoke to our mutual friend on the phone, he knows all three of us well. It became apparent from what he was saying that there were similarities between our two stories, meaning mine and his exes.

I felt absolutely terrible for sending her a message on Facebook( we know each other, met a few times about 4/5 years ago).

I asked him to pass on an apology with my number, should she choose to reply.

He did and she then sent me a massively long message, some of which was an eye opener. She confronted my now ex, who told he that it was just sex, meant nothing, it was a mistake, love is just a word. He lied about me ever being in his house and lied about when we started talking, knocking off two months. To say I was surprised is an understatement. I never had him down for this sort of thing.

This is a man who was talking about having a child a few weeks before, a man who on Christmas eve called me the love of his life, and also a man who said that I (meaning me), had better not end it after he has told her we were together.

He blocked me on WhatsApp Monday night after all this, and removed me from Facebook.

Since then, he has unblocked me on WhatsApp and blocked me again every day, I have remained unblocked for hours at a time. Why on earth would he do this? Just for the record, I am not going to send any anything to him. It’s just hard making sense of this mess.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 02/01/2022 00:57

He doesn't know what he wants, or who. He's a liar. Was he trying to keep two of you on the go at the same time? You're wasting your time, your emotions and your love even thinking about him. You've dodged a bullet, as we on mumsnet say.

Momijin · 02/01/2022 01:00

So was it his ex or was he still having a relationship with her?

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 02/01/2022 01:00

No, his ex has moved on with someone new, she moved out in March last year.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 02/01/2022 01:13

Why bother, he still loves his ex.

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 02/01/2022 01:16

He doesn’t, she confirmed that in the reply to me. He was cold with her for years before she left. No affection and no sex. She begged him to go to marriage counselling to save their marriage and he refused. When she left all he said was, ‘If that’s what you want’.

I don’t think she was any angel, but I think he has made her out to be and maybe believes she was more of a monster that what she actually was.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 02/01/2022 01:29

Who cares is she was good/bad/angel/ or not.

HE is a massive liar.

When he unblocks, just block him.

And move on.

The ONLY answer to all this is that he lied/ manipulated to serve his agenda- which is probably all about control, and messing around two women.
There is no logic. Let it go

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 02/01/2022 01:32

I think I am just trying to get my head around it. I have had some arseholes in my time, but this one takes the biscuit.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 02/01/2022 02:08

He hid your relationship, made you walk the neighbor’s path, etc., so his Ex wouldn’t find out and go mad. You said he was terrified of her.

According to him, when he finally told her, she searched your FB and found an old political post that she didn’t like and said their son could never be in your presence. Was all that a lie?

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 02/01/2022 02:10

@MsDogLady

He hid your relationship, made you walk the neighbor’s path, etc., so his Ex wouldn’t find out and go mad. You said he was terrified of her.

According to him, when he finally told her, she searched your FB and found an old political post that she didn’t like and said their son could never be in your presence. Was all that a lie?

No, all that was true.
OP posts:
Glowingsnow · 02/01/2022 02:11

What was the post about? Racism?

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 02/01/2022 02:12

@Glowingsnow

What was the post about? Racism?
No it was a gender critical post.
OP posts:
Glowingsnow · 02/01/2022 02:13

How long were you together?

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 02/01/2022 02:14

We have been speaking since July, things became more serious in September. Basically it all started almost 6 months ago.

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 02/01/2022 02:23

Op, you need to stop obsessing and out your focus somewhere else.

It was really obvious he was a complete arse. And that his story wasn't entirely true.

And why is this mutual friend telling you this now....when before they seemed to support his version of her and the relationship before.

Their relationship sounded shit when you first posted, he sounded shit. You believed his whole story that painted her as a complete villain with him at her mercy.

It was obvious it wasn't true, especially when he was planning to pay for her and him and their child to go on holiday.

The problem here is, that you ignored massive red flags. You need to be looking at why you did this. Not obsessing about why he is a wanker.

Justilou1 · 02/01/2022 05:54

He probably wasn’t terrified of the ex at all. He just enjoyed the drama and liked tying you up in knots and having you on tenterhooks. He didn’t want you feeling like you were ever in a committed, secure relationship with him - because you weren’t. Sounds like a psychopath who loves playing mind-fucking games. Hence the blocking and unblocking. My advice would be to take control and block him yourself.

supercali77 · 02/01/2022 08:00

OP dont bother trying to work this tangle out, you never will. The only person who could tell you why- can't be trusted. The thing to work out is why you stuck around for explanations, why you're still looking for them rather than seeing this as 'not good enough' and cutting the whole thing off.

If you look at your own post you're focusing on what he said as the basis for why you trusted him. His words had a strong effect but His actions didnt match them at all. It always comes as a surprise when you first come across someone like this, literally will say anything at all. Things you feel you would never say unless you were serious. They do exist and its why words should be taken with a pinch of salt unless everything else stacks up

LittleBirdBlu · 02/01/2022 08:13

OP you are OBSESSED with this man!! This is what, your 3rd thread on him?? Please stop, I mean this kindly but you are not doing your mental health any good by continuing to analyse every little thing! Just block him and move on. If you do that, in another 6 months you will look back in this time and think 'wtf was I doing?!'

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/01/2022 08:41

Delete his contact and all Social
Media profiles to stop this block and unblock messiness
Personally I can’t stand liars , I’m so honest that this would be a total dealbreaker for me

I’d try to exorcise him and this mess from my life totally personally

And in time you might as the red flags you missed seeing earlier ?

Butterfly44 · 02/01/2022 09:32

He lied to you. She may be an ex but ties will never ever be cut as they have a child together. I would block and move on. You were 'just sex' after all. Surely you deserve more respect.

Bananalanacake · 02/01/2022 09:50

You don't live with him so easier to get rid of him.

ElectraBlue · 02/01/2022 10:27

As a rule be very suspicious of the type man who goes on about their 'psycho', 'monster' ex and complains endlessly about that previous partner's behaviour.

Usually the reality is that woman simply called them out for poor behaviour and left for very good reasons or the man still has feelings for her and can't help turning her into a villain all the time to keep the drama alive...

A mature man who had a genuinely difficult partner who truly hurt him will mention it to you in a measured way and then try to leave it behind, as no one wants to keep remembering painful memories.

All this blocking and unblocking on social media also just showed you how immature he is.

Get rid of him.

ChristmasFluff · 02/01/2022 11:44

This is a man who is a huge liar - a man to whom words are cheap, and meaningless, so he'll say whatever ones will have the best effect.

This is a man to block everywhere, because otherwise this is a man who will mess with your head and dangle you on a string for as long as you allow him to.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 02/01/2022 12:11

Sometimes in life we don't get all the answers. Sometimes we just have to provide our own closure.

We can't tell you why he lies or did the things he did. We aren't medically trained to give a personality disorder diagnosis and even if he does give you full on lengthy explanation, it wouldn't mean anything because he has form for changing the narrative to suit him.

The only thing you can do is find your acceptance. Acceptance that he wasn't what you thought, that he isn't going to offer you what you want and that in all honesty you've probably dodged a major bullet.

This time next year you'll laugh at this. Block him and his ex on everything and remove his drama from your life.

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 02/01/2022 13:09

Thank you all. I’m not obsessed, I have just never been blindsided like this and have things unravel so very quickly.

It’s the lies I cannot stand. I am having trouble connecting the person who I knew, or thought I knew to the person he seems to be now. He was so loving and affectionate, he was attentive and seemed very interested. I believe him telling his ex those things was him trying to limit the damage for himself be covering his previous lies with more lies, it still hurts that someone can even say these things, whether they’re true or not.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 02/01/2022 15:38

You've been played, that's all.

You must move on, draw a line under this and accept he was a liar.

There are no explanations and buts.

Some men are not pleasant, they enjoy women as a sport, making you fall in love, seeing your pain when they back off, it's all part of the fun.

Really you have enough facts to know he's horrible and no matter how much you believe you can change him or think love will win through it's pointless.
He doesn't care, I know that's harsh but it's the truth.

Find another.

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