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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

From everything to nothing

41 replies

scorpiogirly · 02/01/2022 00:52

It’s taken me a few days to decide to write this. I don’t know really what I am looking for, maybe some understanding of the situation?

Another follow on from the secrecy thread. I posted a new one as the others are long.

Quick recap - boyfriend (now ex) keeping me a secret from his ex, decided to tell her and the crap hit the fan.

Since then…. I spoke to our mutual friend on the phone, he knows all three of us well. It became apparent from what he was saying that there were similarities between our two stories, meaning mine and his exes.

I felt absolutely terrible for sending her a message on Facebook( we know each other, met a few times about 4/5 years ago).

I asked him to pass on an apology with my number, should she choose to reply.

He did and she then sent me a massively long message, some of which was an eye opener. She confronted my now ex, who told he that it was just sex, meant nothing, it was a mistake, love is just a word. He lied about me ever being in his house and lied about when we started talking, knocking off two months. To say I was surprised is an understatement. I never had him down for this sort of thing.

This is a man who was talking about having a child a few weeks before, a man who on Christmas eve called me the love of his life, and also a man who said that I (meaning me), had better not end it after he has told her we were together.

He blocked me on WhatsApp Monday night after all this, and removed me from Facebook.

Since then, he has unblocked me on WhatsApp and blocked me again every day, I have remained unblocked for hours at a time. Why on earth would he do this? Just for the record, I am not going to send any anything to him. It’s just hard making sense of this mess.

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 02/01/2022 16:59

@scorpiogirly

Thank you all. I’m not obsessed, I have just never been blindsided like this and have things unravel so very quickly.

It’s the lies I cannot stand. I am having trouble connecting the person who I knew, or thought I knew to the person he seems to be now. He was so loving and affectionate, he was attentive and seemed very interested. I believe him telling his ex those things was him trying to limit the damage for himself be covering his previous lies with more lies, it still hurts that someone can even say these things, whether they’re true or not.

You were blindsided because you chose to ignore the huge red flags.

It was obvious m, to everyone who read your first post that this man was a liar and not a good man. You continued to to ignore the signs.

He is nor a good person. Again, you would be better to look inwards and find out why you wanted to believe him so badly your ignored the signs.

It was unravelling from the very first time you spoke to him the only person this is a surprise to, is you.

Crystalvas · 02/01/2022 17:07

Hes a player. As for the blocking and unblocking I think he may be playing mind games with you. Forget about him hes not worth another thought.

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 02/01/2022 20:37

I know you're all right. I also know uow naive I will sound now, but he just doesn't seem like that. He's quiet, shy at times, haven't had lots of sexual partners, doesn't chase women... are these types able to be like this too?

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 02/01/2022 21:07

@scorpiogirly

I know you're all right. I also know uow naive I will sound now, but he just doesn't seem like that. He's quiet, shy at times, haven't had lots of sexual partners, doesn't chase women... are these types able to be like this too?
Of course they are.

But, quite frankly, the mutual friend isn't the most reliable source. As you have found out.

So you only have his word for this. Many people lead a life different to what their partner, friends and family believe to be true.

Look at the relationships board where people have been married for years and all of sudden find out their husband isn't the person they thought they were. Sleeping with prostitutes or an OW etc.

I have a lovely male cousin. Always treated his girlfriends well. Only had a few long term relationships. Got married and had kids. Had a great life. Genuinely lovely couple. A few months ago he got caught sending dick pics to a young woman he works with. Turns out he had cheated several times and was generally a shit. We genuinely had no clue.

I grew up with him. He isn't a cousin I hardly know. I have known him our whole lives. All the cousins are shocked.

LittleWins · 02/01/2022 22:22

@scorpiogirly

I know you're all right. I also know uow naive I will sound now, but he just doesn't seem like that. He's quiet, shy at times, haven't had lots of sexual partners, doesn't chase women... are these types able to be like this too?
You need to accept that you don’t know him.

Delete his number. Knowing if he’s blocked/unblocked is bordering on obsessive. Stick on a rom com & cry it out then move on.

bongobingo43 · 02/01/2022 22:48

So why did she kick off when he told here about you? Im so lost!!

TerraNovaTwo · 02/01/2022 23:42

Goodness. You sound so naive and trauma bonded to this pathetic prick. Block him and move on. He sounds repulsive tbh.

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 03/01/2022 01:11

@bongobingo43

So why did she kick off when he told here about you? Im so lost!!
She didn't like something on Facebook. She said she wasn't happy thought even before trawling through my profile.
OP posts:
Original poster
scorpiogirly · 03/01/2022 01:12

@TerraNovaTwo

Goodness. You sound so naive and trauma bonded to this pathetic prick. Block him and move on. He sounds repulsive tbh.
Yes, I agree it's all rather pathetic. Need to accept he was just a gutless cock.
OP posts:
AlDanvers · 03/01/2022 05:21

Need to accept he was just a gutless cock.

Not just that, you need to accept that he is the problem. Not you, nit even really her.

Yes, you need to look at why you fell for it and why you continued to believe him and put up with so much. Because you need to not do it again.

But he is the wanker. Not you. He is awful. Not you. You aren't to blame for him being a deceitful twat.

Nov910 · 03/01/2022 14:35

@scorpiogirly I sympathise..I’m dealing with a similar situation. Easy for people to say black and walk away..we entrust these men and believe what they say and how they treat us..some people can be utter shits.

TerraNovaTwo · 03/01/2022 15:14

[quote Nov910]@scorpiogirly I sympathise..I’m dealing with a similar situation. Easy for people to say black and walk away..we entrust these men and believe what they say and how they treat us..some people can be utter shits.[/quote]
@Nov910 These men NEVER change. There's no point sticking around to try dissect their behaviour, they won't stop hurting you and being wicked people.

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 04/01/2022 22:55

@Nov910

I read your story. I am glad you managed to get away from that. It's hard though isn't it? Being a weekend gf is just ridiculous. I was a two day in the week one.

OP posts:
Toasterandjam · 04/01/2022 23:02

Just be glad you're well rid of the sneaky shit. It's often the ones who seem charming that are the worst. He sounds a drama llama. You've been hoodwinked once. It won't happen again.Wouldn't even try to make sense of it.

Haffiana · 04/01/2022 23:22

This is a man who was talking about having a child a few weeks before, a man who on Christmas eve called me the love of his life, and also a man who said that I (meaning me), had better not end it after he has told her we were together.

Look, this is SUCH a red flag. You had been together less than 6 months...

You do not know someone after such a short period of time - especially you, a woman who seems to allow her relationship to be defined by whatever a man is telling her. You have been love-bombed and that is a massive red flag.

Choosing the man who will be the father of your children is just about the most important thing you will ever do. You will be tied to him - one way or the other - for decades, and your future children need for you to get it right. You need to learn to trust your own feelings and instincts.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 05/01/2022 00:01

You seem desperate for answers as to why he has/how he could behave like this.

Well I'll tell you.

It's because he's a cunt.

You've had a lucky escape, surely you know you can do better than to be with a cunt like this?

Block him ffs

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