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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Weird argument - not sure how I feel but upset

62 replies

WtfAgainGiveup · 02/01/2022 00:20

Was chatting with DP tonight , was all done and he mention show he’s getting fed up of the same meals on rotation. I sort of agreed and said it’s hard to think of something different .

Got my phone and was looking at recipes , suggested a couple of things and he said ‘no don’t like the sound of those’
I replied ‘ok what sort of thing do you like? Out of the meals we have which is your favourite? Just to give me some idea what to look up?’
He just laughed and said ‘anything!’

So I kept looking and suggesting. Then said maybe we can look when shopping ?

He laughed again and I found it odd. I said what’s your favourite type of food ? Indian. Chinese. Mexican. Thai etc etc
Laughed again ‘nothing’

It got really weird , he started to criticise a coupon of meals id made in the past that he ‘didn’t like’
I said well what had he made that was nice then ? ‘Oh loads of stuff’ again wouldn’t specify anything
He just started laughing at me ?? About food ???

I said I was tired and was going to bed as he was just being weird refusing to engage in a conversation he started and laughing at me to which he shouted at me to fuck off and stormed off out ???

I have NO idea what on Earth has happened it’s so trivial over food ? But he was acting so strangely I’m just lying here thinking wtf happened

OP posts:
Original poster
WtfAgainGiveup · 02/01/2022 00:45

@SandingWithMyUnshavenLegs

He sounds unhinged. That was not about food. Not really.

How long have you been with him? (Roughly). It seems likely that this will continue and probably get worse.

Over 15 years ! And things have been fine just 2 issues like this - today and a few months ago. I guess I’ll have to see what he says tomorrow
OP posts:
Potatodrivers · 02/01/2022 00:45

Yes, it is gaslighting! I couldn't think of the word before. Mind fuckery was the closest I could get

AuntieDolly · 02/01/2022 00:46

Is he engineering a fight so he can go out?

immersivereader · 02/01/2022 00:47

Let me guess, he's the type to cook once a month then expect praise forever more because of it? And no doubt expects the kitchen to be completely empty all day, whilst he spends hours prepping the damn dinner?

SandingWithMyUnshavenLegs · 02/01/2022 00:48

Hmm. That’s a long time. Do you generally feel like an equal partner in the relationship? Or do you have to tread carefully to keep him sweet for fear of his reaction? Has he been under a lot of stress recently or seemed depressed? Is there any chance he is seeing anyone else? Sad

Original poster
WtfAgainGiveup · 02/01/2022 00:49

@immersivereader

Let me guess, he's the type to cook once a month then expect praise forever more because of it? And no doubt expects the kitchen to be completely empty all day, whilst he spends hours prepping the damn dinner?
No he cooks 2-3 times a week and usually fine he just started going on and on how he’s fed up of what we eat but half the time it’s what he’s chosen ! ???
OP posts:
PeeAche · 02/01/2022 00:49

What you should do: Cool off and have an adult conversation about it in a day or so. Acknowledge that it isn't about food and try to find the route of the issued.

What I would do: Passively aggressively punish him by cooking more of all the meals he specifically said he didn't like and pretending they took 2 hours to prepare.

Hilarious alternative option: Make him a pie with the word "humble" spelled out on top in pastry.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 02/01/2022 00:49

He's actually walked out of the house? Where has he gone? Sounds like he's engineered a situation so he can go somewhere else

Wavypurple · 02/01/2022 00:49

Make him the Minny’s chocolate pie from The Help.

Original poster
WtfAgainGiveup · 02/01/2022 00:52

@SandingWithMyUnshavenLegs

Hmm. That’s a long time. Do you generally feel like an equal partner in the relationship? Or do you have to tread carefully to keep him sweet for fear of his reaction? Has he been under a lot of stress recently or seemed depressed? Is there any chance he is seeing anyone else? Sad
Things have actually been fine, a few months ago he did similar laughing at me then afterwards actually tried to deny He laughed at me which was odd as he was very very insistent he hadn’t.

Then tonight over food 🤷‍♀️

If he had wanted to go out he would have I think as it’s not usually a problem ever so I don’t think it’s that.

He hasn’t been acting secretive or working longer hours or doing anything I would worry about and think Maybe he’s seeing someone else but I suppose you never know. It just seemed to come from nowhere today

OP posts:
MumOfJayJoeAndEms · 02/01/2022 00:53

Cook your own food and when he asks where his is laugh at him and tell him to fuck off
Simples

rocky1914 · 02/01/2022 00:53

@immersivereader

Let me guess, he's the type to cook once a month then expect praise forever more because of it? And no doubt expects the kitchen to be completely empty all day, whilst he spends hours prepping the damn dinner?
You must know my DH 🙄🤦‍♀️
Original poster
WtfAgainGiveup · 02/01/2022 00:55

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus

He's actually walked out of the house? Where has he gone? Sounds like he's engineered a situation so he can go somewhere else
I text him to say spare rooms made up now (well I chucked the spare duvet on the bed and pushed aside the boxes so it’s as made up as I could be bothered doing and he’s read the text but not replied. He has family close by and I assume he’s possibly gone to BIL house as he’s there a lot
OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 02/01/2022 00:55

Sounds like he's engineered a situation so he can go somewhere else

Yep . A serious conversation is needed, if he carries on with this shit then you will consider the marriage over. This sort of behaviour is deliberate and cruel and a partner that loves and respects you would never treat you like this.

irene9 · 02/01/2022 01:03

Sounds like for some reason he wanted an excuse to storm out to the pub. Because you 'made' him go.
Also he's criticising something but actually when probed, has no real suggestions for change.
Next time when he starts whining about something, toss it right back to him. Say 'That's a great idea! Let me know what you come up with and I'll tell you if I like the sound of it'.

Nailsbythesea · 02/01/2022 01:07

@Aquamarine1029

I would be fucking furious. How dare he speak to you like that and mock you? The rude idiot can make his own food. Any man who told me to fuck off would be walking out the door for the last time.
This
smashingbaubles · 02/01/2022 01:15

Why do you cook all your husband’s dinners? Is he incapable? Confused

boomboomshakalakalakaboom · 02/01/2022 01:19

If this is a sudden change in his behaviour he might need to talk to his GP. You don't mention how old he is but the (manic, inappropriate and weird) laughter rings a bell for me. Especially if he's not been like that for the last 15 years.
Either that or he was engineering a fight to "justify" storming out. Could you text or ring BIL or SIL?

moremoony · 02/01/2022 01:20

My ex used to do this and it was because he was seeing someone else and wanted an excuse to leave

tortoiselover100 · 02/01/2022 01:25

@rocky1914

Tell him he can fuck right off to the local chippy if he doesn't want your food. Furthermore, tell him to get his arse in the kitchen and cook for his damn self since it's such a big issue. Please don't lay there asking yourself WTF any longer. Go to sleep. He's an ungrateful, disrespectful prick.
This
Geppili · 02/01/2022 03:07

Ffs It is not just your job to meal plan! He wanted you to change your menus. He wanted you to do it and not be bothered at all. He picked that fight because he was punishing you for daring to nicely suggest he might have some input or preferences. He is a nasty defensive piece of work.

arcof · 02/01/2022 03:28

Needed an excuse to get out the house. I'd look into this more OP

Downunderduchess · 02/01/2022 03:43

I don’t think it’s about the food. He sounds nasty & not particularly interested in having a conversation with you.

user1481840227 · 02/01/2022 03:49

@Gardeningcreature

Don’t cook for him again until he apologises. Cook your own meal and don’t even mention food to him. The ungrateful bastard. If he says where is my dinner day in the shop waiting for you to buy it and cook it.
I wouldn't make it about food at all.

OP I would ask for an explanation for why he acted that way.
If he tries to bring food into it again just say No, it was not about the food, you were purposefully trying to wind me up, you were behaving in a really strange way and then you were laughing about it. I want an explanation.

remainsofthesummer · 02/01/2022 04:15

Too much time together over the holidays?

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