Married but my ex is my soul mate

[Maria309]

I am a female (23) and my husband is (30) we met each other at work and eventually my feelings grew towards him. During this time i was going through a really rough patch with my ex we would keep getting together and breaking up. (Main reason this happened is because my family wouldn’t accept him) we both come from an south asian background and my family strictly follow a caste system.

I was with my ex (25) for around 5 years we were high school sweethearts he was my first love as I was his. We both drifted away after college as he went off to uni and I started working hence we didn’t see each other as often. He was going through a lot emotionally as he had recently lost his mother and emotionally he was unavailable to me. I tried my best but he kept pushing me away.

Eventually i decided to move on and this is when i met my husband. It was really good at the beginning which made me rush into marrying him. Since we've been married I have realised I am still in love with my ex. For months on end he is the only person I think about. My husband has completely changed he twist what i say and makes me feel really down and we argue all the time. I have come to the decision to divorce him i’m just trying to find my way out.

During the time i got to know my husband my ex did try and reach out to me but I couldn’t tell him i was seeing someone else i knew it would hurt him.

This last weekend I reconnected with my ex (I text him) and i told him i was married. He was really really upset and said he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He wrote me a long emotional message about how he waited for me to come back and he turned away women with the idea maybe one day I’d return and we could get married. I keep reading the message and crying as i had no idea he still loved me. My life is a mess.

I just keep thinking about all the good times we had, how he would make me feel better when i was down and the friendship we had. It was perfect. I have told him I will marry him straight after i divorce my husband. (Which is happening soon) he said he couldn’t accept me as i chose someone else before him and he feels 2nd.

We both made a promise to eachother when we were together that we would keep our virginity and lose it to one another when we were married. When we spoke on the phone he mentioned that he turned away advances from other women to keep his promise to me but all that time I was having sex with my soon to be ex husband and that really hurts him.

I really really love this man he is my soulmate every time the worlds pressure is on me i want to run to him, he is my home. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life getting married and letting my ex go. Im torn I don’t think I can live without him.

He told me he went out on a date last weekend with a girl to the place me and him used to go. Even though im married im so jealous it really hurts seeing him with another woman.

Please help? What can i do?

Well at least he has one ounce of decency asking you not to contact him while you’re married. I’ll give him that.

And erm, who pushed who away exactly? What you wrote in your OP is completely the opposite from what you wrote in your update. So which is it then?

Also, if you were pining for your ex within weeks of getting married maybe it’s not your husband who is the one in the wrong in your marriage.

He knows that you don’t love him, that you’re lusting after some other bloke, and are now on the verge of having an affair with this bloke. In fact you’re already having an emotional affair with him.

Maybe your DH in fact has access to all your devices and has read all your messages. After all, “gather evidence” is one of the first bits of advice women are given on here when they suspect their partner of cheating. And maybe he’s just waiting to tell you it’s over and he wants a divorce.

No, there aren’t soulmates. There are 8 billion people in the world. To believe that there is one person out there for every one is total and complete bollocks.

You have a hell of a lot of growing up to do because right now you’re still that 16 year old in your head.

Maybe you have a future with your ex and maybe you don't but you have issues to solve before you can make more decisions. First of all, get your divorce and put your life on an even keel and be self-sufficient. Then you can re-evaluate your future and make decisions from a position of strength. At the moment you're like a pinball machine and you're allowing your emotions to ricochet all over.

I know on this forum many women have way more experience than me I appreciate that. But i feel some women just settle for stability instead of finding a true soulmate

Yes, you're right, at 23 years old with a brain that has not reached maturity and in the middle of two toxic relationships you are absolutely qualified to patronise the women who have taken the time to offer you support and advice.

We are clearly just old and bitter.

I'm embarrassed for you.

I know on this forum many women have way more experience than me I appreciate that. But i feel some women just settle for stability instead of finding a true soulmate (I believe they exist) if anything i believe they exist more now.

Oh dear. This isn't the romantic story you think it is, and you aren't the worldly wise
and superior woman you think you are looking down your nose at all us oldies 'settling' because we don't have true soul mates like you and the fictional story you're playing out in your head.

By all means, leave your husband, get swept up in the fake romance you're playing out, and come back in 5 years when your ex is repeatedly using your current marriage as a stick to beat you with and seek some more advice then.

If your update is true then you have treated him like shit and he deserves so much better. So break off any communication with him and let him move on.
But really, your first post makes you both sound immature and dramatic and the best thing would still be to cut contact.

I know on this forum many women have way more experience than me I appreciate that. But i feel some women just settle for stability instead of finding a true soulmate

There's an expression, "hope for the best, plan for the worst". I moved heaven and earth to be with my DH. Did all the Romeo and Juliet crap. But before I did I made sure I had financial stability, was psychologically capable of dealing with the consequences, had gone through the sensible, boring work you have to do to be sure you aren't being a complete idiot, had several Plan Bs and my most boring, staid and risk-averse friend advised me to go for it. I was also older than 23 because your brain isn't quite cooked at that age.

Divorce, wait until you are at least 25 to make any other decisions. The reason is:

The rational part of a teen’s brain isn’t fully developed and won’t be until age 25 or so.

In fact, recent research has found that adult and teen brains work differently. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s rational part. This is the part of the brain that responds to situations with good judgment and an awareness of long-term consequences. Teens process information with the amygdala. This is the emotional part.

In teens' brains, the connections between the emotional part of the brain and the decision-making center are still developing—and not always at the same rate. That’s why when teens have overwhelming emotional input, they can’t explain later what they were thinking. They weren’t thinking as much as they were feeling.

www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentTypeID=1&ContentID=3051

There are two possible scenarios. Either you are thinking emotionally and irrationally and we are right. Or we are ALL sad, dried up women who've settled for sad, dried up men and are trying to convince you to settle too. Even though no one is saying to stay with the man you've settled for.

Hang on, so he loved you enough to turn away all other women, and even though he thought you were single at the time he didn’t try to find you? Is that right?

@Maria309 a lot of posters here aren't from the same cultural background as you so are dismissive about some of what you've said e.g. virginity, since in the West, more promiscuous sexual attitudes are now the norm and very typically, are not understanding that there are actually billions of people who don't have a Western culture mindset with many things. So to be honest I don't blame you for ignoring some of what they've said.

From you've said, you chose your parents (and their prejudiced views against him) over the original guy. If you're so attached to what your parent think it would kill any marriage you have with him anyway eventually. Other posters are right when they say you've created an ideal in your head about him.

Could your current husband have changed as he sensed that you were changing emotionally (due to this ex/comparing the marriage to your ex relationship)? There was clearly a reason why you married him in the first place. In your shoes I would try counselling instead of ending a marriage after just one year.

@LilyWater Thank you for understanding! Our culture is different sleeping around is frowned upon! Its like a crime. I know many men do this stuff anyways but I know deep down he kept that promise to me. Its an achievement thing aswell where we could’ve looked at eachother 20 years from now and thought your the only one ive made love to.

My parents attitudes have started to change they are alot more understanding now in that regard. I wish i waited for it.

In regards to my husband he is a HEAVY marijuana smoker. This i didnt know before we got married he hid it from me. When he craves marijuana he is not very nice to me and argues alot! My ex is drug free he was my best friend although we had arguments they were really small and he would 80% apologise to me first.

I know people of this forum may think im crazy or stupid. I know I’ve made some stupid decisions. But experiences make you who you are. I have missed this man ever since i can remember and ive only respected my parents wishes its how things are in our culture. Its frowned upon dating any tom dick and harry. Plus as a woman you just have a knack sometimes you just know when something is right for you.

My ex is really upset at me he as every right I understand exactly. I know he waited for me, i know a really attractive woman from the same background as us that worked with him and really found him attractive she made advances on him and he turned her away. This was a big thing because a lot of men wanted her hand in marriage and he turned her away for me and he didnt even know i was married. (I know someone who works with him)

I know people on this app want me to sort my head and stay single for a while before i make a next move. That is exactly what I intend to do. But if you ever think im going to leave this man without telling him and showing him how much i love him and how much I respected his devotion to me even after being in the dark your sadly mistaken. I could never forgive myself. Life is too short if you feel a certain way about someone you should tell them.

Ok.

This last weekend I reconnected with my ex (I text him) and i told him i was married. He was really really upset and said he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He wrote me a long emotional message about how he waited for me to come back and he turned away women with the idea maybe one day I’d return and we could get married.

Well now. He sat around being a virgin in case one day you 'returned'. But he didn't think about looking for you? And most importantly - he wants nothing to do with you because you have slept with your husband?

He is punishing you...

We both made a promise to eachother when we were together that we would keep our virginity and lose it to one another when we were married. When we spoke on the phone he mentioned that he turned away advances from other women to keep his promise to me but all that time I was having sex with my soon to be ex husband and that really hurts him.

He is punishing you...

He told me he went out on a date last weekend with a girl to the place me and him used to go. Even though im married im so jealous it really hurts seeing him with another woman.

He is punishing you...

You are right I shouldn’t run into another marriage but I crave his presence I want to spend my life with him. I have realised what I want. I just dont know if he will ever be the same with me. I want to start over with him and show him how much he means to me.

You have agreed that you have been bad and that you are worthless and must be punished, and now you are setting out to show him that you will do anything to regain his trust. This right here, is the beginning of co-dependency and this RIGHT HERE is why you 'crave' to be with him. It is the start of the ADDICTION of a woman to making herself feel better about herself by proving how worthy she is to her punisher.

You have taken the first step in an awful, unequal, potentially abusive relationship - and it feels GOOD, right? Remember, no-one would ever enter such a relationship if it felt bad...

I know on this forum many women have way more experience than me I appreciate that. But i feel some women just settle for stability instead of finding a true soulmate (I believe they exist) if anything i believe they exist more now.

This is you feeling how GOOD it is to find a way to self worth in this sort of fucked up relationship.

My ex is really upset at me he as every right I understand exactly.

This is you feeling how GOOD it is to find self worth by being abused. You now NEED him to be angry at you - it makes you feel tested and worthy, right? You can PROVE yourself by loving him whatever he says or does! Sainthood beckons!!

I know he waited for me, i know a really attractive woman from the same background as us that worked with him and really found him attractive she made advances on him and he turned her away. This was a big thing because a lot of men wanted her hand in marriage and he turned her away for me and he didnt even know i was married. (I know someone who works with him)

This is you proving to yourself that it is all about him loving you. Whatever he does, he does it for you...

But if you ever think im going to leave this man without telling him and showing him how much i love him and how much I respected his devotion to me even after being in the dark your sadly mistaken. I could never forgive myself.

Off down the co-dependency rabbit hole you go, I'm afraid. You now really agree with him that you are entirely to blame and further - you now even invite him to blame you some more so that you can prove even more how you are worthy, and on and on it goes... It is all a bit squalid and depressing really.

I wonder if you understand that proper adult relationships are not actually like this.

I’m so embarrassed for you right now.

The one thing you are doing right is divorcing your poor husband so he can find someone who is not in love with a man from her childhood fantasy life.

This ex is NOT your 'soulmate'. Someone can only be your soulmate if you are theirs. That's why it includes the word 'mate', as in two people meeting together as one. You are obviously not his soulmate. If you were he'd be with you now instead of putting obstacles between you and punishing you for decisions you were entitled to make for your own self.

Stop contacting him, stop communicating with him. Get your divorce and put BOTH men out of your life. Concentrate on yourself, who you are, and learn to be complete within yourself.

Frankly, the whole 'soulmate' thing is pretty ridiculous. We love people when we love people for who they are and where we are when they come into our lives. You'll find love again, but you'll need to put foolish notions of 'soulmates' out of your head first and ground your expectations in mature reality.

But experiences make you who you are.

It's true that learning the hard way is a thing. If that's what you prefer.

Read @Haffiana’s post again.

Then again.

And again until it sinks in.

Save yourself years of misery and therapy by avoiding the rabbit hole now rather than having to recover from it later.

Been there (‘there’ being codependent) and got the CODA t shirt.

You sound about 15. You have been awful to 2 men playing them off against each other for attention and you are still doing it . Leave them both alone, get some therapy and find yourself. Quite frankly you deserve neither of them. Your life with your ex wasn’t perfect if it was you wouldn’t have pushed him away thinking you’d get someone better which is clearly what it was. Leave them both alone .

@Maria309

In your OP, you state your parents adhere strictly to the Caste system.

How will they / husbands family react to you and your ex boyfriend if they find out about this contact beyween you both? I have seen awful stories about the fate of similar parties.

I have some insight in to this.

When I was a teenager, some 400 years ago, I met a boy online I liked. He liked me as well. We met at a gig at 16. By 17 we were in a long distance relationship. At 18 I found out he had chested on me/sort of/we were on a break. We moved in together at 18.
It was awful. I had stayed a virgin thinking I was dating him and he had been with somebody else and I never got over the betrayal. We broke up and he moved back in with his mum. We argued a lot and I was angry and miserable all the time. It was a mistake.

If you get back with your ex he will feel like that, even if he did see other people and is keeping it secret from you, he will be jealous that you were with somebody else and even married them. The relationship is irreparably damaged, it is not young care free love any more. It will not be what you want it to be. It will be filled with baggage, jealousy, arguments, resentment. Even if you both think you can get past it, you won't. It will creep in. What you had is destroyed forever. If he's that upset about it now, he would only hate you more for it in the future if you got back together, when ever you argued, whenever you spoke about a single day from your marriage, when you were in bed together.
It is gone. Let it go.

You need to leave your husband regardless. Your relationship sounds awful and you clearly made a silly mistake marrying him. Move away. Live alone. Take stock of this entire mess. Stay alone until you understand your mistakes so you can avoid making them again.

Out of interest, why did you post if you’re unwilling to take on board any advice?

And it 100% won’t ‘literally kill’ you

He sounds awful, you sound very immature.

@CharlotteRose90

You sound about 15. You have been awful to 2 men playing them off against each other for attention and you are still doing it . Leave them both alone, get some therapy and find yourself. Quite frankly you deserve neither of them. Your life with your ex wasn’t perfect if it was you wouldn’t have pushed him away thinking you’d get someone better which is clearly what it was. Leave them both alone .

This is how I see it too.

Marriage can be dull, boring and sometimes abusive with the wrong man and I think you are idealising your previous relationship as your ex allowed you your own way more.

Divorce your husband but I really don't think your ex is going to be an adequate replacement, if you had really loved him you would have never let him go and vice versa.

I have a feeling you will do what you want obviously and maybe in a couple of years start pining for your ex husband by then.

I honestly think you need to be on your own for a while instead of this overlapping which shows your reliance of needing a man to make you feel worthy.

He's not a knight in shining armour, he's just a man who put you on a pedastal (or you thought he did).

You seem to trust him, you said you wore the trousers in that relationship, maybe you don't know him as well as you think, he sounds a bit of a charmer with no substance to me.

It doesn’t sound like your ex wants you (because you’ve been married to someone else) . At least that’s what I understand from what you’ve posted.

I’d leave both men alone for now.

He is the one that got away. It is really as simple as that. You are definitely, 100%, seeing the relationship through the rose tinted glasses of nostalgia. Everyone on here could probably do the same with one relationship or another. Because you have elevated this relationship in your memory as "perfect", you now have an unrealistic bar to measure your current relationship to, making it look much worse than it is. Basically, you have had 2 relationships, neither of which are particularly healthy or good but you have built them up to be 'the good one' and 'the bad one'. The truth is NEITHER of these are working for you. You have idealised your ex-not healthy-and demonised your husband-not healthy.

Your ex is-and will continue-to punish you for marrying someone else. This will never be a healthy dynamic. Ever. Possibly because you broke his heart. Possibly because he is not the same person you knew. Possibly because he has always had the capacity to behave like this but you never saw it before. Who knows.

'Settling' is not choosing stability in a relationship. Settling is continuing in a relationship that isnt working. The strongest of relationships are stable and without all this drama. Neither of these men are right for you.

I suspect you wont listen, but what you need to do is cut contact with your ex completely. Then you need to take a long, hard look at your marriage. Is it worth saving? If the answer is no, divorce him. At that point, do not be drawn into "we were meant to be together" day dreaming about your ex. Be on your own. Find out what you want from life. Have a fresh start.

Why did you post here OP? You are totally unwilling to listen to people and quite patronising about the advice you're being given. What did you want to get out of this?

FYI, I thought the person I would die if I moved on from the person I loved at 23, too, I didn't. He's the one that got away and you don't have closure. You've never experienced moving on from a broken heart so you think it would be impossible. I was exactly the same. You don't love this man more than everyone else has ever loved a partner, moving on IS possible, and there are LOADS of better men out there than him.

He is easily angered, emotionally distant, and frankly has gross ideas about sex. He does not have a right to be angry at you, the amount of times you've said that is worrying. It's highly likely he has had sex before and his anger at you for having done the same is rooted in sexism. If you did get together he would most likely hold that against you forever and you would bear the brunt of his resentment that you married someone else.

You just need to move on from this man, like pretty much every other person that has ever had a first love does (and most of them will have thought of them as their soulmate, too, you should bear in mind). The intense feelings you are experiencing WILL fade away, make no mistake.

He's not your soulmate if you keep breaking up with him 🤷‍♀️

You've messed up big time. It doesn't look as if getting back with your ex is going to happen. So you either stay with your DH or get divorced and start again. Make sure you don't bring a child into this until you have sorted yourself out.