Is there any hope if you're 30 and never dated?

[vanderrohe]

I don't know how to get started but I'd really like a partner and one day I would like to think seriously about children.

I've never done anything, not even hold hands, and I'm in this horrible cycle of worrying about my inexperience and letting it hold me back. I have a Hinge profile, and I've been on dates, but whenever I've liked someone, I've felt more awkward because I'm so worried about looking like an idiot if he tried to kiss me. I don't know how to do it

This sounds especially ridiculous, because I know how silly it would be to go to someone's flat etc without knowing them, but I always feel like 'the goodbye moment' happens so publically and it feels humiliating.

I don't have anyone to talk to who understands. My friends all did this when they were 15. If they go on dates, they're thinking about having sex on the third date, not worrying about a kiss.

Any advice at all would be so so welcomed.

Just wanted to say that I have felt like you did. Admittedly I was a little younger. I had a really poor image of myself and was scared of all things sexual because I felt I was too old and that men would think me odd. I backed out of several encounters as lost my nerve.

I met my husband at a party, we had sex that night!! It was awful 😂. But we have been inseparable since - together 12 years, married 8, and one beautiful daughter.

I know it’s scary, and that you feel like it will never happen. But my advice is to concentrate on things you love rather than being bogged down in the “what ifs” like I was. Ultimately all the turmoil, unhappiness and fear I felt was just pointless.

I know that’s easier said than done. Sending hugs and support

This was me at 26, but now I am over 30 and have been with an amazing man for the last 4 years. It will happen for you

Honestly men don't care about inexperience if anything it makes them feel more at ease which will make you feel more at ease

If your on a date and your date tries to kiss you and you want to just let him do all the work and honestly just copy what he does and it will just be natural and after one or two times you will be like oh my gosh why was I so worried

As for the other stuff it's the exact same process. If I was you I would proudly tell the person I was on a date with that I hadn't ever been intimate with anyone and they won't think you are weird they will think wow I'm going to really have to pull the stops out here and work if I want a chance with this lovely lady. ( if they do think your weird then they aren't for you)

You are 30 still young , still plenty of people in your situation and honestly I really wouldn't worry!

Pop it to the back of your mind and get yourself on lots of fun dates and if you like them kiss them and if you don't move on.

Last year I really resolved to just kiss someone but you're right about turmoil. That's exactly what it's like in my head!

I don't know about telling someone I'm inexperienced. It's never come up in any conversations so far

I was watching a clip the other day when a woman said, 'no one can make you feel embarrassed. It's a choice you make'. Which is interesting I think.

Think about it this way, if someone falls over and then gets up and laughs about it, then it's not embarrassing, is it? Same thing goes if they take ownership and go 'well that was awkward!'

Maybe you can turn it into a fun, upbeat thing. And like say if you both go in for the kiss and end up butting noses or something (not that anything that extreme wpuld happen) then just make a joke about it/smile and laugh. Things aren't q big deal unless you make them one. And other people will lead by your example.

Also, not really sure why a kiss is 'humiliating?' Thars a very extreme word choice. Don't you think you're worthy of a kiss? Because you are. Definately work on your self love and confidence. Start greeting yourself in the mirror every moring and tell yourself each day one thing you like about you or are proud of. It doesn't even have to be a physical thing. Just something nice.

You've got this op. Just put one foot infront if the other. ...and if you do happen to fall over, don't forget to laugh about it.

Hey, just wanted to say I was in a similar position, and I think/know that there are loads of other people in the same boat. I really sympathise, and I want you to know that you will reach/are reaching a tipping point where the fear of the unknown is outweighed by the fear of not getting what you want. This is when things will happen. You will let go and feel so empowered by it. Things I wish I had known:

1. you are completely normal, it’s only Hollywood films that make you feel freakish and unnatural
2. guys go crazy for this IME
3. the absolute worst thing that can happen is a clunky, awkward kiss, and that’s really not bad
4. honesty and a sense of humour are your friend - if anything is awkward just acknowledge it and laugh at it
5. you will honestly wonder why you didn’t get cracking sooner

I really would like someone to laugh about it all with. That would make it so much easier, you are right.

Gosh I'm sitting here crying because you make it sound achievable. Thank you.

My brother was a confirmed bachelor until he was in his 30's - never been on a date or kissed anyone or anything. He met someone and they fell in love and got married within a couple of years. Now they're expecting a baby.

you are completely normal, it’s only Hollywood films that make you feel freakish and unnatural

So true. The film/tv version of life is complete garbage.

I know it's not normal, really. Everyone I know has had at least one partner by this age.

The thing is, it sounds like the only reason it hasn't happened for you yet is because you're letting this get in your head. It sounds like you're tense and overthinking things on dates but you clearly don't have issues getting a date! There's nothing wrong with you, you just have to go with it and let it happen if you meet someone nice who you'd like to kiss.

@vanderrohe

I know it's not normal, really. Everyone I know has had at least one partner by this age.

That's not a representative sample, though.

You seem to be using the word normal to mean common, but they're not the same. Something can be less common but still normal.

You are very, very hard on yourself and it can't be boosting your confidence.

I guarantee you are normal. There is nothing “wrong” with you. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. There is nothing for you to explain or justify. You are a person just like all other people. Some of your body parts haven’t touched some of someone else’s body parts. That’s it. It doesn’t make you any less desirable or worthy of love and fun and a meaningful relationship.

You said yourself it’s not something you would talk about openly. You aren’t the only one! There are many, many others in the same boat. Lockdown will have had an effect on a lot of people looking for relationships too.

For me, It was the “feeling freakish” that perpetuated the misery and isolation and irrational anxiety more than anything else. I felt constantly on high alert for any mention of “virginity” or questions about past relationships or sexual anecdotes. I was sooo embarrassed and felt like I had this huge secret. Then from somewhere, I realised I had to be brave. Just once. Then it would all follow from there.

Do you want to be 50 and have never been kissed?
Sorry but you do just need to go for it. If it is awkward, so what? You are not marrying the first person you kiss. You never have to see them again if you don't want to.
I would set yourself a target to kiss the next 5 people you go on a date with. The more you do it, the easier it will become.

Men don’t care. If he wants to have sex with you that’s all that matters.

I wasn’t kissing boys at 15 either. Teenage boys, eewww.

I do feel exactly like that!

I know I'm so hard on myself. I do know it, I just can't find it in me to be brave. God, I'm crying again. You're all so good at putting into words.

If you feel the fear creeping into your headspace, remind yourself that you are not separate from the rest of humankind for your sexual history any more than for the restaurants you’ve eaten at or the films you have seen. You are a whole person and you will kiss a man and fall in love and struggle to remember why you were so worried about any of it.

P.s. there is no way for someone to discern whether their kissing partner is a kissing virgin ;) Just go slow and do what feels right. No need to think. It’s the most natural thing in the world, like scratching an itch.

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Esteem

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Compassion

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Worry-and-Rumination

You may find it helpful to dip into some of these resources. They have free self-help workbooks and information based on CBT that are often used by NHS in delivering CBT.

It might give you some knowledge, strategies and techniques to break some of these patterns that are holding you back. Sometimes it can be enough to understand what is going on in your head and how it influences your behaviour, sometimes you need to put in more deliberate work to change things - these can help with both if you want to use them.

It's so not as big a deal as you've built it up as honestly.

When you think about the whole thing is pretty bizarre - rubbing tongues with someone, etc and yet when it happens it's totally natural. You'll be fine. If it feels good and you want to go for it, if it doesn't then dont' and extract yourself. You have the advantage of being a big girl and able to control things. Many who did the 'normal' thing allegedly went through experiences they didn't really want and weren't actively engaged in but didn't have the confidence to curtail.

Your position is enviable really. Pick a good one and enjoy.

Why not go on a date with someone you're not too bothered on and have your first kiss with them - take the pressure off yourself a bit.

I really do appreciate it. I feel like I have a big flashing arrow above my head at times.

there is no way for someone to discern whether their kissing partner is a kissing virgin

Really? Surely they'll know straight away. You can definitely be a bad kisser, I've heard my friends talking about that.

It doesn't matter if you're a bad kisser. Just get it out of the way with so you can build your confidence

I think bad kissers tend to be teenagers with over-enthusiastic tongues and unbrushed teeth.

Even if you’re not award-winning at the act, they still won’t know it’s your first kiss.

Alternatively, you could do what I did and tell them upfront and acknowledge your nerves and they’ll find it really sweet and endearing and be extra lovely about it.

You’ve mentioned your friends: they must have some clue that you are inexperienced? Might help to talk it through?

P.s. there is no way for someone to discern whether their kissing partner is a kissing virgin ;)

This is so true. You can have terrible kisses with seasoned kissers. I've had a few! At the end of the day it's only lips touching. The only thing you can really do badly wrong is go in too early with tongue and use too much of it! The lucky guy seriously won't know OP.

My friend was 35 and went on a single person’s backpacking tour across the world. Went away never having kissed anyone other than their granny on the cheek at new year and returned more experienced than most. It was the making of them in so many ways and also gave them loads of confidence.

It’s really not as uncommon as people make out to not have dated or had any intimate experience with anyone in your 20s and 30s.

Another friend went out with a guy for 20years. She had fancied him for 10 more than that and didn’t understand why he avoided talking of relationships and why he didn’t make a move. He was in his 30s and had zero experience with women. They only split when said friend realised she preferred women.