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Original poster

Is there any hope if you're 30 and never dated?

51 replies

vanderrohe · 01/01/2022 20:07

I don't know how to get started but I'd really like a partner and one day I would like to think seriously about children.

I've never done anything, not even hold hands, and I'm in this horrible cycle of worrying about my inexperience and letting it hold me back. I have a Hinge profile, and I've been on dates, but whenever I've liked someone, I've felt more awkward because I'm so worried about looking like an idiot if he tried to kiss me. I don't know how to do it Blush

This sounds especially ridiculous, because I know how silly it would be to go to someone's flat etc without knowing them, but I always feel like 'the goodbye moment' happens so publically and it feels humiliating.

I don't have anyone to talk to who understands. My friends all did this when they were 15. If they go on dates, they're thinking about having sex on the third date, not worrying about a kiss.

Any advice at all would be so so welcomed.

OP posts:
Original poster
vanderrohe · 01/01/2022 21:59

My oldest friends do know, but I've always felt too embarrassed to be so detailed Blush They keep telling me I'll know when I meet the right one.

OP posts:
DDMAC · 01/01/2022 22:20

@Tal45

Why not go on a date with someone you're not too bothered on and have your first kiss with them - take the pressure off yourself a bit.
I think this is a good idea.

Do you have any male friends you can practice kiss?

WanderingLost167 · 01/01/2022 22:27

I'd be tempted to hire a male escort, someone who knows what they are doing. Who you can have a Frank discussion with, try a few things out.

Original poster
vanderrohe · 01/01/2022 22:31

Absolutely not. No way.

I don't have any male friends who are single.

OP posts:
WhatDidISayAlan · 01/01/2022 22:40

My cousin was like you - 31, completely inexperienced, had been friendzoned far too many times, and in a moment of madness joined a dating site last year. She is pretty, but socially awkward, and not a small woman - I think she’s a size 22. Met a really lovely guy and a year later they’ve just shacked up together. It happens more often than you think.

hivemindneeded · 01/01/2022 22:44

Silly tip that might help (which I was taught when I was inexperienced. If you want to know how you kiss, make a fist but keep the thumb at the side of your hand, don't wrap it round your fingers. This creates a slightly fleshy mound at the base of the thumb. If you kiss this bit, it feels a bit like lips but you can also find out how your own lips feel to the other person because your can feel the reaction in your own hand. If you want to find out what your tongue feels like, relax the thumb and try pushing it gently into the gap between thumb and palm.

Sorry if that sounds crazy but I appreciate how scary it is to feel like you are an age when you should know what you are doing but have no experience.

Honestly, I think in your situation, I would just kiss the next date I had who I quite liked, just to get some experience. When you meet a man who you really like and who really likes you, the sex will be fine. Just tell him you are a bit shy or not very experienced.

Benjispruce5 · 01/01/2022 22:49

Op there must be some online kissing tutorials . Back in the day of teen mags it was all about practising on the back of your hand- try it. I agree with others that if someone’s wants to kiss you, they’re interested so if you want to kiss them just follow their lead. Good luck.

scarpa · 01/01/2022 22:51

I've kissed some terrible kissers who had tons of experience, so don't worry about that!

I think it's a combination of being compatible, kisswise (in terms of speed/tongue/force haha - which you won't know till you kiss someone and is different with each person, so not an issue in itself), and not being over eager. Hence teenagers complaining about bad kisses - too enthusiastic, go in teeth and tongues blazing and it's a bit much. So go in slow - a la romantic moment in a film, rather than frantic snogging - and you'll be good.

Also - what's the worst that happens? It's a bad kiss? You'll have loads of those in your life and you can just never see them again. Or if you like the person and you want to diffuse the moment, just joke it out - "God, I think I'm nervous cos I fancy you, let's try that again" and then immediately kiss them again. Diffuses the moment AND smooth.

Once you've done the kissing, you'll find the rest falls into place easier, or at least it will if you really fancy them (in my experience). At that point you can be honest that you're inexperienced if it feels right and you want to - to whatever degree you're comfortable with, you don't have to say you've none at all.

scarpa · 01/01/2022 22:59

Just thought of this too - a lot of people have their first kisses with someone they barely know OR in a situation where the emotional stakes aren't high.

School discos, youth club, that pack of lads chatting up you and your friends on the park, as a dare, in spin the bottle... at my school in year 8 there was a trend for everyone to congregate behind the dinner hall and people to just kind of point at each other to pair up and then snog in front of everyone while they cheered. Very odd.

Do you ever go out with your friends to bars/clubs/pubs? I feel like a drunk snog with someone you'll never see again will have the same effect in that you're not working yourself up to kiss someone who you potentially quite like and have been on a date or two with and don't want to 'mess it up'!

bjs2310 · 01/01/2022 23:03

I was 32 when I met my DH. First man I ever kissed. He was a blind date and it just felt right. No reason it hadn't happened before - just never did. Now married 15 years and 2 kids.

Original poster
vanderrohe · 01/01/2022 23:06

I've not been dancing since Covid. When we were in uni I never liked the idea of kissing in a club (but god I wish I had done it now).

TBH, I was a very late bloomer (which explains many of my issues I think) and usually I was the one left standing while all my friends paired off Blush

OP posts:
DDMAC · 01/01/2022 23:26

Found this on YouTube, lots of tutorials on there, hope it’s of some help.

pantjog · 01/01/2022 23:32

DH has a male friend who didn’t have a girlfriend until his early 40s. Now happily married with a child. You’re not abnormal OP.

ApplesinmyPocket · 01/01/2022 23:45

There definitely is. DD2 had never had a BF (she was a 'late bloomer' too, OP) but when she was 4 months off 30 she decided now or never, because she really did want a partner/husband and maybe children.

She was shy and anxious but spotted someone who looked like a good 'fit' on Match ... it took a good few months of outings and meetings with him (he was very patient!) before she felt any real attraction to him (no 'spark' on a first date is NOT a good reason not to take things further if she's anything to go by, as that attraction really grew as she got to know him and feel 'comfortable' with him.) To cut a long story short they married in May last year and are so happy together.

There most likely is someone out there for you, OP, you're still young. It does take a bit of courage, but try not to worry about the 'inexperienced' part. After all, that can be got over in a moment - it was never an issue for DD in the end, despite her worries! Good luck!

FoxgloveSummers · 02/01/2022 00:06

I don’t think your friends are being helpful by saying you’ll know when it’s the right guy. You sound like if you met “the right” guy you’d probably run away and hide in a cupboard because you’d be so anxious about messing it up. So that’s not your problem. This might not be very NHS type advice but honestly go on a few dates with someone you like then get a little tipsy and at some point make extended eye contact with him. If he likes you too he’ll probably kiss you or at least move towards you. Dare yourself to lean in a bit and boom - it’s done!

Agree with PP that almost the WORST sex I’ve ever had was with the most experienced person. I’ve had brilliant kissing etc experiences with “first timers” when I was young.

FoxgloveSummers · 02/01/2022 00:07

Meant to add - it’s about sensitivity and how you respond to each other. I think the mistake you’re making is thinking it’s like learning the cello and you need to put in 10,000 hours to be any good Grin

MoonbeamsGlittering · 02/01/2022 06:27

I'm a man (in case that's relevant.) I was a late bloomer too and I got worried that women would be able to tell, and that it would put them off or something. I thought I had something like a flashing sign on my head too! It was my "big secret" from most people. I gradually started dating around my mid-20s. People didn't care about my previous lack of experience.

I wanted to say that I think most men really don't mind at all if you're not experienced. We can't instantly tell if you're not a well-practiced kisser! Some men might even feel extra special to be the first one who you choose to be with. Also they don't have to worry if your ex was "better" than them, or if you might still have feelings for an ex, or anything like that.

If any guy does mind, then that's a conveniently quick indicator that he's not the guy for you (and that can be really useful, rather than finding out later on that someone is a jerk.) The right guy for you will like you for who you are, will understand if you want to go a bit slowly, and will be sympathetic to your feelings and will want to go on that relationship journey together with you as a team.

MangoSeason · 02/01/2022 06:41

I was a 29 year old virgin who had only had 2 kisses with men in my late teens when I first slept with my now DH. I chose not to tell him. I figured sex with a new partner was probably always a bit awkward so he wouldn’t know. He didn’t know and still doesn’t.

I’m not saying to do this but it worked for me an avoided my fear that he would feel sorry for me or wonder what was wrong with me. I knew there was nothing wrong with me but just wanted to keep my inexperience private.

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/01/2022 06:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/01/2022 06:53

Sorry, wrong thread!!

teahelpseverything · 02/01/2022 09:36

OP I wonder whether you need to take a step back from thinking about kissing and focus on what will make you feel more comfortable with simpler 'intimacy' and also perhaps understanding what it is that is stopping you, or making you feel uncomfortable with any public display of affection. When you've gone on a date, how do you feel if a man is physically close to you? Perhaps touchs your arm or hand? Does your body react by 'freezing' or do you feel scared or excited?

Is it that you're worried about rejection? Or that people are looking at you/judging you? What is it you find humiliating about physical contact in public? Have you suffered any trauma as a child that might be affecting your reaction?

(You don't need to answer these questions here, just for you to think about). If some of these questions resonate with you then you might want to consider therapy to help you understand why you're reacting as you are and how to overcome it.

If it's none of these things and it's just inexperience you're worried about then I would suggest you start small - when you're on a date - sit close to the man, when you're chatting touch him gently on the arm or something like that, if he reciprocates then follow his lead. I don't think you need to say that you've not kissed anyone before but if after a few dates you have kissed and he might be thinking about things progressing then at that point I think you should explain you're inexperienced and a virgin - the right type of man will respect that and take things slowly and wait for you to be comfortable. If he doesn't/pushes you for more than you're comfortable with then he's not right for you.

ElectraBlue · 02/01/2022 10:49

You have already taken the first step by starting to date which is really positive. It shows that you are already able to chat with someone and get their initial interest.

Try to not take all this too seriously and also don't expect everything to be perfect the first time.

As people have already mentioned, it is not like in the movies! a lot of it might be awkward and silly and that is perfectly 'normal'.

The funny thing is that many men who have had partners still don't have a clue of what makes a good kisser or lover, so experience does not equate to being any good at these things!

My current date has had many girlfriends (he is a long term friend of mine so I know he was quite the player!), yet our first time together was definitely on the average/funny side. But I really like him so he did not bother me in the slightest.

Don't put these men on a pedestal, take your time, enjoy the process and you will be fine.

Pky45 · 02/01/2022 12:22

@WanderingLost167

I'd be tempted to hire a male escort, someone who knows what they are doing. Who you can have a Frank discussion with, try a few things out.
What new level of double standards is this ?, Just imagine the if the poster was male and someone said, “go hire your self an escort and try a few things out” This site would melt under the outcry
SandingWithMyUnshavenLegs · 02/01/2022 22:54

Please don’t consider getting an escort. Or practising kissing with your own hand. FGS. What silliness.

OP. Arrange a date. Kiss him. Then do a secret excited dance of joy in the toilets like Laura Linney in Love Actually when she gets her crush in her bedroom.

Helloitsme55 · 10/01/2022 12:30

Definitely have hope. I’m 35 and got married two months ago. He was my first boyfriend and kiss at 33. I met him online. Don’t give up!