New boyfriend emotionally involved with ex

[Indyred]

Hi
This is my first post here and I just want to reach out. I know the answer but it’s good to hear other perspectives on things.
I have been with my partner for 6 months, we get on amazingly but there are two issues which are heavily affecting us and I can’t see a way past them.
First his best and only friend is a woman, this was not an issue until he told me that before he met me they became very close and relied on each other emotionally, she supported him through his break up from his ex. They ended up having a kiss, she has a partner of 20 years who she tells him she is unhappy with. After the kiss she told him that they can’t do that again and they remained friends, they then went away together for a couple of nights and shared a bed, he tells me nothing at all happened! , they work together, text mountains of texts every day and often late into the night. I have told him how uncomfortable I am and that for us to work the dynamics needed to change, they did for a bit but I feel have just gone back to how they were. He reassures me they are just friends!
Added to this, his ex recently took an overdose he has now become her emotional support, his ex asked to meet up over christmas with his children , I told him I would not be comfortable with this, he rang her to say they can’t meet as he is with me and it wasn’t fair, she became upset he then called her back later to check she was ok. I understand he’s worried that she may overdose again however she wants to be back with him therefore I do not think he is the right person to give her emotional support.
I’ve told him I can not do this anymore but it’s so hard as I really do want to be with him.
Sorry for such a long post

I wouldn't be interested in him, OP. You deserve so much more than this.

You’ve made the right decision,you should be his priority

You've made the right choice. Having 2 other women in his life who are interested in him romantically and he hasn't set appropriate boundaries around that while with you.

Too much stress and agro.

Also potentially narcissistic triangulation. Which is when the involve another woman somehow (eg: often name dropping a colleague or banging on about their ex or comparing you unfavorabley to a woman on tv or staying 'friends' with 'just a friend) in order to make you feel 'am I not enough?'. It's toxic.

Indyred, this man has weak boundaries and is emotionally unavailable.

The ‘Friend’ — Emotional Affair. They have kissed and share an attraction. They are texting ‘mountains,’ even late at night, and confide in each other. He dialed it down at your reasonable request, but has resumed his over-investment in her.

The Ex — Still too enmeshed with her. She is still in love and struggling, so his being her support is detrimental to her recovery. He is gaining validation by feeding her trauma.

I’m sorry, but this guy is a bad bet. You are doing yourself a disservice by staying.

You're doing the right thing @Indyred .

He can't even be trusted to act decently, as he kissed someone knowing she has a partner.

Thank you so much everyone. I need to hear this.

I have told him he is doing more damage to the ex being her support, he just says “I’m just being caring and a friend to her” he knows he’s not the right person but still continues!

@me4real this is what I’ve said to him but he doesn’t see that he’s in the wrong as he wasn’t with anyone at the time! Also then going away, she did not tell her partner they were going away together this instantly crosses the boundaries of a friendship, it took me about a month to make him see this!

'It took me a month to make him see this'

Never waste your time trying to explain basic moral decency to anyone. If someone lacks moral fibre, it is not up to you to 'educate' them. Because it is not an issue of ignorance, it is an issue of being a scumball.

Run.

You're only 6 months in. This bf is way too entrenched with his friend. And now drama with his ex. Sounds like your bf quite enjoys the drama.

Does he share children with his ex and if so, how old are they?

Walk away.
He is already taken he just can't see it.

My ex had a "friend" like this. After a year I found out that every time they stayed with each other it was more a friends with benefits. Just not worth it I'm afraid, I wish I walked away when I felt the red flags 🚩

@CagneyNYPD1 no his children are with his ex wife they separated about 7 years ago, the ex he was with for just over 2 years, she still wants to see the children tho!

Run, fast and far. Not much space/time left for a girlfriend when he is first committed to the dramas of the ex and the “friend”.

Phew , too much like hard work , female best friend details bad enough then ex wife trouble , DOOMED .

Sounds like they are in his harem, and he's looking for a new addition (you).

All in his collection, at different stages of procurement.

You would need to raise this man. Total exhausting headfuck.

I bet you you won't be able to get rid of him easily.

So he has an ex wife with whom he has children wife.

An ex partner who has previously taken an overdose and he now emotionally supports.

A friend who he has been emotionally involved with in the past.

And you. Phew. Way too much. Tell him straight. He can't give you the relationship you need as he is spread too thin.

His priorities should be his children and then you. If he can't provide that, walk away.

@Moretodo I’m not so sure, he’s blocked me from WhatsApp for some reason now, feels like I’ve been kicked to the ground 😢

He will be back.

At the moment he has someone else in primary position, when they question him or stop validating him, he will discard them, and go to someone else in the harem, eventually cycling back to you.

Be careful.
I know the word is over used but he sounds like he has narcisstic traits.

Look at the drama triangle as well.

Stay away from this guy, it will not get better.

Thanks everyone for your comments. Feeling a bit better today. I know I’ll miss him and have ups and downs but things will be worse if I stay with him

You’ve got a nice little drama triangle going on there. Only way to stop that is remove yourself

@Pinkbonbon

'It took me a month to make him see this'

Never waste your time trying to explain basic moral decency to anyone. If someone lacks moral fibre, it is not up to you to 'educate' them. Because it is not an issue of ignorance, it is an issue of being a scumball.

Run.

This.

He is not a good man.

He is slimey.

You deserve better.

Why don't you block him? If you take that decisive firm action you never have to feel like this again, and will start to feel better.

He will try and contact you again, it could even be months or years! Honestly, these types are text book.

You have been warned!

He'll do this with the next girlfriend he has too. Getting off on the dynamic of being with 1 woman and constantly playing up to another he knows wants him. No doubt setting the 2 women against each other ('I cant see you because my girlfriend says so' etc).

Are you not bored of it all, OP? Its tedious drama. Men like this are best left to their game. If the other woman had any sense she'd tell him to piss off.

You dont have to lose your senses over a man though. Start the new year without silly pointless baggage in your life

Nope. You’ve made the right decision. He’s keeping too many fingers in too many pies, as it were. Keeping options open. No, you’re worth more - move on.