*Sensitive/Trigger topic* - How do I stop making this about me?!

[user1231256]

conscious not to drip feed so will try and do my best to cover this in a succinct way

DP and I were together for 3 years, broke up for a few months and are trying to give it another go. We broke up after a family bereavement and excessive alcohol issues. DP has recently agreed to fortnightly therapy for a minimum of a year and had stopped drinking.

Today he told me something which has blown my mind. He shared with me that a young age he was sexually abused by a male teacher of his and had sex with him, this carried on for a humber of years up until the age of 16. He told me that he battled his teen years with lots of confusion as he never felt gay but also never told his teacher to stop and said he did like it at the time. He said it was in his early 20s that he realised he wasn't gay and that he was vulnerable in those years (both parents were alcoholics and he grew up in care). DP told me that I am the first person he's ever told about this. He never told his exdp after 15 years together and he's never told this story to another soul.

2 things.

Firstly, I've asked him to speak with his therapist about this, to which he said 'no chance, it's dead and buried don't even know why i've told you'

Secondly, I know this makes me a terrible person, really terrible, but I hate the idea that he has had sex with a man. I obviously love him very much and feel so sad and sorry for his vulnerable teenage self, but I also feel sick at the thought that he's had sex with a man. I know this makes me an awful human being.

How do I best deal with this? I'm not great at being an open communicator so I'm trying really hard to talk to him and be open without shutting him down. Help please x

This does not make you a terrible person. After this revelation quite a lot makes sense about his drinking. He has been affected by this badly. You need to help him but you do not need to stay with him or keep trying. Give yourself sometime and go to therapy. Also, take a HIV test. I recently learned of someone who went ahead with sex without telling his partner of being positive. Hopefully is all fine.

One of my exes had a different horrendous tragedy/tale of abuse for every woman that only ever came out when she was on the point of dumping him.

By the time he got around to me, he'd told so many different versions that he'd forget which was the current one - and that he'd told me three variants to justify/excuse/deflect away from his addictions previously. They all ended with the person concerned being dead one way or another - which was a little tricky to explain when a cursory check revealed that they were very much alive.

There is nothing an addict won't lie about if it suits their purposes to do so.

I don't think it's at all helpful to tell OP her feelings of disgust are valid. They're not. She knows they're not! That's why she started the thread.

OP, you need to dig deep into what the root of your kneejerk disgust is. Is it because you think a man is somehow less of a man if he's been raped - or even if he has consensual gay sex? These are things society still conditions us to believe, and unlearning them requires serious work on yourself.

The idea that being raped or abused is something to be ashamed of is really pernicious (for both male and female victims). It's the root of the stigma around confessing what happened - it's why your husband is refusing to tell anyone else. He already feels as though it's his fault and he's been made less of a man. Supporting him means pushing back against that idea for all you're worth.

I think its ok to separate out the feeling of disgust as a known response to trauma. Its a thing they talk about in treatment for PTSD, trauma specific CBT, its part of the range of emotional responses, a bit like the stages of grief, denial, anger, its definitely valid. Doesn't mean OP is homophobic. I hope you're both getting support OP.

If that last post was aimed at me, I’m not telling her her feelings of disgust at her partner are valid, I’m simply pointing out that she shouldn’t give herself a hard time for her initial reaction, because it’s a big shock and her emotions will be misfiring all over the place.

Cross posted

I think you have been brave to admit these feelings and to realise that you need to do some therapeutic work to deal with the shock/ your reactions/ how to support your partner. I don’t know if you two have children but if you do choose to later, be aware that becoming a parent can often open the Pandora’s box of past trauma, however deeply buried or compartmentalised. It sounds like he has done some mental gymnastics to ‘justify’/ reconcile himself to what other posters are rightly terming rape and sexual abuse, however he has framed it in his own head to get past it or self-medicated via alcohol. He will have been groomed and manipulated by an adult who grossly breached the teacher/student relationship - in law, ‘in loco parentis’, the same as a parent’s responsibility to keep a child safe. It’s very unlikely that he will successfully deal with the alcohol-addiction unless he addresses therapeutically what sounds like a major push-factor- the abuse, on top of the reasons why he was placed in the care-system. There will also be grief and anger that a person whom he should have been able to trust was able to do such things and this can often erupt when you become a parent and realise the extent of the wrong and the betrayal.

If talking to someone would be too hard, could he consider online/survivors’ forums as a first step to dealing with this?

Not aimed at you or anyone really, I've had trauma therapy for something similar, it comes up as a specific emotional response for victims and people around them. Sharing that perspective is all.

'I haven't shared any of my disgust with him and I never plan to.' I'm really not trying to give you a hard time here but wow. Let's say he wasn't raped (which he was), you find it disgusted that he's had sex with a man (he didn't have sex with him as he was legally unable to consent but let's just say they had consensual sex) even though he's said he isn't gay?

Can you imagine being in that situation and maybe feeling unloved by people because of your circumstance. A teacher shows you what you think to be is love and concern when really they're grooming you. I personally can't see how it's hard to see why/how your DP enjoyed it at the time. He wouldn't have thought he was being abused at the time and no doubt that opened up questions regarding his sexuality. However he's still told you he isn't gay.

It seems you're trying to support him and haven't told him any of this but I really recommend having counselling, talking to helplines that support family members of victims of SA. Even researching the conflicting thoughts around enjoyment that a lot of victims seem to experience. It may not make sense to us (ones who haven't been sexually abused) but there's a lot of research and experiences behind it so maybe it will help you understand more.

I also agree wholeheartedly with @gannett post

@gannett

I don't think it's at all helpful to tell OP her feelings of disgust are valid. They're not. She knows they're not! That's why she started the thread.

OP, you need to dig deep into what the root of your kneejerk disgust is. Is it because you think a man is somehow less of a man if he's been raped - or even if he has consensual gay sex? These are things society still conditions us to believe, and unlearning them requires serious work on yourself.

The idea that being raped or abused is something to be ashamed of is really pernicious (for both male and female victims). It's the root of the stigma around confessing what happened - it's why your husband is refusing to tell anyone else. He already feels as though it's his fault and he's been made less of a man. Supporting him means pushing back against that idea for all you're worth.

I don't think anyone is saying my feelings of disgust at the situation are valid, but it is nice to know i'm not the only person in the whole world who might initially feel some of those things after learning this news.

If his abuser had been female I'd feel the same disgust and anger towards the abuser, nothing changes there.

I'm in shock that my partner has had intercourse with a man, although I know it was abuse. It's hard to hear that he thought he was gay up until his early 20s.

OP your feelings are valid. What you feel is what you feel. For what it’s worth I’m sure I would likely feel the same. I would also, as you are, immediately seek to intellectualise those feelings & behave decently.

Were I you I think I would just sit on it for a while. Just absorb what you’ve been told, let the shock wear off & keep revisiting your thoughts. In the meantime just listen to your partner & let him know you are there. The very fact that you are the only person he’s ever told is testament to your character. I wouldn’t beat yourself up about some abstract feelings you’re having.

@Hottbutterscotch

OP your feelings are valid. What you feel is what you feel. For what it’s worth I’m sure I would likely feel the same. I would also, as you are, immediately seek to intellectualise those feelings & behave decently.

Were I you I think I would just sit on it for a while. Just absorb what you’ve been told, let the shock wear off & keep revisiting your thoughts. In the meantime just listen to your partner & let him know you are there. The very fact that you are the only person he’s ever told is testament to your character. I wouldn’t beat yourself up about some abstract feelings you’re having.

I think you're about to make me cry. thank you for being so empathetic x

Your poor DH, and what a big shock for you.
I think it might help for you to talk to someone with experience of abuse.
The way you call it “sex” in your opening post is the issue I think. It has been blurred for you because your husband feels that he went along with this and “enjoyed” it.
This is really not uncommon for young people desperate for any kind of love or affection. I went to boarding school, and the thing that is hardest to take is the total lack of any physical affection, nobody to hug you . It is very easy for groomed children or older teenagers to feel as though the situation is partly their choice. Abusers exploit this. A good friend of mine at school was raped by her father for years, and thought of herself as a participant rather than a victim, because she loved her father and couldn't cope with the reality. You husband is not gay, he was left extremely confused after being sexually abused and raped over a long time period. He had conflicting feelings at the time and afterwards which is quite understandable. I think once you understand this you will feel rather differently about his history.
You need support too OP. I know from a family member who has disclosed similar abuse that it affects everything and takes time to process.

Could it be your DP enjoyed the attention from a teacher ( rather than enjoying a sexual relationship that he was too young to understand)? We all know it’s the MO of abusers to tell their victim s/he is special. Maybe if you can think of him as a vulnerable child being abused, not someone willingly partnering in a relationship, this will help you.
All I can think is you encourage him to disclose to his therapist but it’s his choice.
In the light of his disclosure to you, he has overcome a lot in his life.