*Sensitive/Trigger topic* - How do I stop making this about me?!

user1231256 · 2022-01-01T15:46:00+00:00

conscious not to drip feed so will try and do my best to cover this in a succinct way DP and I were together for 3 years, broke up for a few months and are trying to give it another go. We broke up after a family bereavement and excessive alcohol issues. DP has recently agreed to fortnightly therapy for a minimum of a year and had stopped drinking. Today he told me something which has blown my mind. He shared with me that a young age he was sexually abused by a male teacher of his and had sex with him, this carried on for a humber of years up until the age of 16. He told me that he battled his teen years with lots of confusion as he never felt gay but also never told his teacher to stop and said he did like it at the time. He said it was in his early 20s that he realised he wasn't gay and that he was vulnerable in those years (both parents were alcoholics and he grew up in care). DP told me that I am the first person he's ever told about this. He never told his exdp after 15 years together and he's never told this story to another soul. 2 things. Firstly, I've asked him to speak with his therapist about this, to which he said 'no chance, it's dead and buried don't even know why i've told you' Secondly, I know this makes me a terrible person, really terrible, but I hate the idea that he has had sex with a man. I obviously love him very much and feel so sad and sorry for his vulnerable teenage self, but I also feel sick at the thought that he's had sex with a man. I know this makes me an awful human being. How do I best deal with this? I'm not great at being an open communicator so I'm trying really hard to talk to him and be open without shutting him down. Help please x

AthenaPopodopolous · 01/01/2022 15:49

I think you just have to leave him to sort his own mental health out. I know children in care are at increased risk from sexual predators though, he was a victim here despite saying he enjoyed it sometimes.
But if it’s a dealbreaker for you and disgusts you, I think your just being honest and if feel the same.

dudsville · 01/01/2022 15:50

On your second point, as others will also say, you need to be really clear about this. He did not have sex with a man. A person his age cannot consent, cannot understand what is happening. Even if he went back knowingly, even if he felt confused sexually, this was abuse, not "sex".

Jennifer2r · 01/01/2022 15:53

He hasn't 'had sex with a man' he was raped as a child. I think you need to get some therapy about this yourself.

Pinkchicken85 · 01/01/2022 15:53

Woah, you’ve got the wrong perspective here. He was a child, he wasn’t having sex he was being raped.

Original poster

user1231256 · 01/01/2022 15:54

@Jennifer2r

He hasn't 'had sex with a man' he was raped as a child. I think you need to get some therapy about this yourself.

You are right, in fact me speaking to someone about this is probably a good idea. I don't want to shut him down at all, but also can't help how I feel. Thanks x

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Rno3gfr · 01/01/2022 15:56

He didn’t actually have sex with another man if he was a minor who was manipulated. He was raped by man. Your dp maybe told himself that part of him enjoyed it in order to get through the confusion and abuse. The peado in question probably went out of his way to make a lonely and vulnerable young boy feel special and “loved” in order to get what he wanted.
Your feelings are valid, though I probably think the whole situation has led you to feeling a deep disgust (as is understandable) rather than just him having relations with another man. I think you’re just trying to rationalise your disgust at what he went through. That doesn’t make you a bad person for having these thoughts. At some point you may need counselling yourself if you’re going to stay with him.
I think he needs to re-visit this with counselling at some point when he’s ready. You never get over this kind of abuse.

dudsville · 01/01/2022 15:58

Your feelings result from your perspective, if your perspective is skewed so will be your feelings. For example, the feeling of disgust if you have it, could well be appropriate, but towards his abuser not towards him. He's deserving of care and compassion.

ChubbyMorticia · 01/01/2022 15:58

He was a victim of a pedophile.

Poor man. The only person he's chosen to confide in is more concerned with the sex of his rapist than the damage it's done to him.

Original poster

user1231256 · 01/01/2022 16:00

@ChubbyMorticia

He was a victim of a pedophile.

Poor man. The only person he's chosen to confide in is more concerned with the sex of his rapist than the damage it's done to him.

I think this is very unfair. To him I have been very concerned and caring of his welfare. I have merely come to an anonymous site to ask how i better deal with this, if i didn't care i wouldn't be looking for advice. please be more considerate to people in need of help and advice in future.

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SuspiciousHumanoid · 01/01/2022 16:04

I think it’s perfectly natural that you should feel conflicted about this OP, it’s a massive disclosure.

Two points. He didn’t have sex with a man, as Pp have said, he was raped. Secondly, you cannot be responsible for getting him through the trauma that this will have caused him, and it will have caused him significant trauma, whether or not he’s ready to acknowledge it. You have done the right thing by advising him to speak to his therapist about it, and you should continue to do so. You can be there for him, but he is an adult and needs to confront and deal with it himself, you can’t heal him with love and you shouldn’t try.

Don’t neglect yourself in all this, you matter to. Try and find somebody to talk to if you think it will help, but be kind to yourself, and remember, just because somebody else is feeling pain, it does not give them the excuse to cause you pain.

Helpimfalling · 01/01/2022 16:05

Just I know god forbid and all that... if it was your own son or daughter in that situation.

Then you manage it how you would want someone to be there for them.

If that makes sense.

AsymQuestion · 01/01/2022 16:10

You experienced the initial shock on hearing this, with details that may be hard to process and understand.

The initial thing is you need to reframe it in your mind with the clarity that he didn't have sex with a man, he was raped/groomed/assaulted or a long time as a child.

I am sure the other linked part for you is in understanding sexual assault and a bodies possible natural response to 'enjoy' it. It is not a very talked about subject, is hard to understand for many. It is worth reading up on to understand a bit more.

I hope he can get support if he wants to. I am sure you can also call a sexual assault helpline as a loved one who may point you to resources of support and information to help you process or understand more.

Momijin · 01/01/2022 16:10

He didn't have sex with a man, he was raped and abused physically, sexually and emotionally by a paedophile. Use that language in your head.

lilmishap · 01/01/2022 16:11

OP being in care is a headfuck, it's easy to groom care kids because they are so desperate to be noticed and cared about that they will attach themselves to the most horrific people without realising they are being abused.

I would reach out to groups supporting those who are supporting survivors of sexual abuse. It wouldn't be fair to let him know how you're feeling right now and i think you know that. There IS support out there for you.

Use it

Original poster

user1231256 · 01/01/2022 16:12

@SuspiciousHumanoid

I think it’s perfectly natural that you should feel conflicted about this OP, it’s a massive disclosure.

Two points. He didn’t have sex with a man, as Pp have said, he was raped. Secondly, you cannot be responsible for getting him through the trauma that this will have caused him, and it will have caused him significant trauma, whether or not he’s ready to acknowledge it. You have done the right thing by advising him to speak to his therapist about it, and you should continue to do so. You can be there for him, but he is an adult and needs to confront and deal with it himself, you can’t heal him with love and you shouldn’t try.

Don’t neglect yourself in all this, you matter to. Try and find somebody to talk to if you think it will help, but be kind to yourself, and remember, just because somebody else is feeling pain, it does not give them the excuse to cause you pain.

Thank you, obviously I've never dealt with something like this before. I've known lots of stories of his childhood and have always said to him that those stories make me want to throw my arms around the younger him. When he told me I did say that it wasn't sex, it was abuse and he may have thought he was enjoying it at the time but he was vulnerable and that it was abuse. So I do feel as though maybe I am saying the right things to him based on the responses I have had so far.

I just feel sick to my stomach, I cried when he told me. Not for me, my feelings came after, but for what he went through at such a young age and for the fact he's never told a soul and his lived with this alone for all these years.

And I feel guilt of my feelings because he's opened up to me and told me a really hard truth and I feel disgusted by it.

Thank you for being so human and understanding in your response x

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NotaCoolMum · 01/01/2022 16:14

Definitely agree that he didn’t have sex with a man- he was groomed and raped. I hope you can come to terms with this and that you’re both ok

Original poster

user1231256 · 01/01/2022 16:14

@lilmishap

OP being in care is a headfuck, it's easy to groom care kids because they are so desperate to be noticed and cared about that they will attach themselves to the most horrific people without realising they are being abused.

I would reach out to groups supporting those who are supporting survivors of sexual abuse. It wouldn't be fair to let him know how you're feeling right now and i think you know that. There IS support out there for you.

Use it

Thank you so much. I intend to say nothing of my feelings on this matter, ever. He's been so brave to tell me the truth, I never want to discourage him from talking about it. Wasn't aware there were support groups for people like me, I felt very selfish having any personal feelings towards this at all.

Thank you so much x

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galaxybaby · 01/01/2022 16:15

I think this is so sad for your DP.
Growing up in care with two parents that are alcoholics and then getting abused by a teacher that I'm sure he trusted. He hasn't ever told anybody but has finally shared it with you.

You're looking at this all wrong.
As pp have said, he hasn't 'had sex with a man.' He's been raped. He was underage and legally not able to consent. You don't know what things were said/done by the teacher for him to continuously be put in that position. I agree that you may need therapy yourself to come to terms with this, especially if you want to support him.

However, do you know why you feel sick at the thought that he's 'had sex with a man?'
Would you have the same feelings if he said it was a female teacher that sexually abused him or is it because it's someone of the same sex as DP?

You can't help how you feel but it's quite sad that this is how you're looking at it. If I was a man and had the courage to tell someone what happened to me, I'd hope they'd be able to focus on the abuse and direct any disgust to the abuser instead of focusing on the sex of the person that raped me

OakRowan · 01/01/2022 16:18

Its not too late for him to report this to the police, if he ever reaches that point it would be taken very seriously.

Original poster

user1231256 · 01/01/2022 16:19

@galaxybaby

I think this is so sad for your DP. Growing up in care with two parents that are alcoholics and then getting abused by a teacher that I'm sure he trusted. He hasn't ever told anybody but has finally shared it with you.

You're looking at this all wrong.
As pp have said, he hasn't 'had sex with a man.' He's been raped. He was underage and legally not able to consent. You don't know what things were said/done by the teacher for him to continuously be put in that position. I agree that you may need therapy yourself to come to terms with this, especially if you want to support him.

However, do you know why you feel sick at the thought that he's 'had sex with a man?'
Would you have the same feelings if he said it was a female teacher that sexually abused him or is it because it's someone of the same sex as DP?

You can't help how you feel but it's quite sad that this is how you're looking at it. If I was a man and had the courage to tell someone what happened to me, I'd hope they'd be able to focus on the abuse and direct any disgust to the abuser instead of focusing on the sex of the person that raped me

Thanks for your response.

Firstly, I haven't shared any of my disgust with him and I never plan to. I'm so proud of him that he's been brave enough to share it with me. I just came here for advice as I know I can't speak to him about my feelings.

When he told me I did immediately say it wasn't sex, it was abuse so I completely agree.

In comment to your response on would I be bothered if it was a female teacher. The truth is yes I would, i'd still have the same anger towards the abuser. I just wouldn't feel the confusion I feel now about him liking having sex with a male. I don't know if that makes much sense.

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AsymQuestion · 01/01/2022 16:19

And it is so distressing to be faced with a sudden disclosure from someone you love so much, so take care of you too.

Always bear in mind you can't fix it for him, you're not responsible for that, at all. just read up on important bits that will help you and your basic understanding of it and leave it there.
if he wants to leave it and is doing fine, those are his wishes.

TedMullins · 01/01/2022 16:22

As others have said, he was raped, he didn’t “have sex” with a man. But frankly, even if he had consensually had sex with a man as an adult but ultimately decided he wasn’t gay, why would that matter? It shouldn’t. Be disgusted at the person who abused him. It doesn’t make your partner a defiled or lesser person.

As a PP said he may have had physical sensations of “enjoying” the abuse, which is something many victims experience and feel great conflict over. He clearly is still bottling up a lot of things if he isn’t ready to talk to the therapist. It sounds like you said all the right supportive things to him but a trained counsellor is the person he really needs to speak to.

Agree it might help to discuss this in your own therapy too to unpick your feelings about it.

SuspiciousHumanoid · 01/01/2022 16:27

I think PPs should be a bit kind on the OP about her feelings of disgust at him having sexual contact with a man. I hesitate to say having sex with because that’s not what it was.

OP this has been a huge shock to you and your emotions and thoughts will be all over the place, it’s understandable. You haven’t had time or space to digest any of this, and it’s such a massive thing that it will take a lot of time and talking and learning to come to terms with. All your feelings of anger and disgust are mixed up right now and they’ll be misfiring all over the place. Sit with your thoughts and emotions, acknowledge them, find support where and when you need it. This is a massive thing for you too, so like I said, be kind to yourself. Your emotional response is not wrong, it’s understandably messed up and confused because this is a massively messed up and confusing thing to deal with.

Nietzschethehiker · 01/01/2022 16:36

I think without giving you a hard time it's important you get some therapy to support you in terms of your response.

People react in all sorts of ways but the key here is why is that the bit that is bothering you? That would suggest a thinking process that is disturbed in some way. It's not about being abnormal or normal but it is about the fact you are focusing on that which is causing disgust, I think its a really good sign you do recognise that you are internally , a little bit making this about you. That's a sign you are challenging your thought processes.

Honestly without judgement I would go an talk about it with a counsellor. With a view to challenge why you think like that.

The thing is the phrase "I can't help how I feel" is a bit dangerous. You can help whether you seek support to challenge this thinking.

The best thing I have ever been told is that our first reaction is not ours but the second is the one we choose. So our first reaction is often caused by upbringing, previous trauma etc and if it is negative it was embedded in us. However we choose whether to change that feeling or reaction (through therapy or introspection etc) . If you want you can choose your second response but don't fall back to thinking the first is real or you can't do anything about it.

Original poster

user1231256 · 01/01/2022 16:37

@SuspiciousHumanoid

I think PPs should be a bit kind on the OP about her feelings of disgust at him having sexual contact with a man. I hesitate to say having sex with because that’s not what it was.

OP this has been a huge shock to you and your emotions and thoughts will be all over the place, it’s understandable. You haven’t had time or space to digest any of this, and it’s such a massive thing that it will take a lot of time and talking and learning to come to terms with. All your feelings of anger and disgust are mixed up right now and they’ll be misfiring all over the place. Sit with your thoughts and emotions, acknowledge them, find support where and when you need it. This is a massive thing for you too, so like I said, be kind to yourself. Your emotional response is not wrong, it’s understandably messed up and confused because this is a massively messed up and confusing thing to deal with.

Thank you so much.

I feel shocked and a bit blind sided and whilst i'm aware it wasn't sex and was abuse, Its something I haven't known about for three years.

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