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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH not happy in our marriage

43 replies

Newyearhayyyy · 01/01/2022 07:36

DH told me last night he wasn't happy because we don't have a lot of sex. He wants me to think about what I am willing to change to improve things.

I do have a low sex drive generally that has been worse due to mental health issues. This has improved abit and I was hoping it would improve more as I improve my mental health.

Are we just not compatible?

I'm not sure what I can do, I'm not sure what he expects me to change???

Am I missing something, is there anything I can do to improve my sex drive?

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 01/01/2022 07:37

And is he perfect, or does he have things he needs to change ?

Original poster

Newyearhayyyy · 01/01/2022 07:48

He isn't perfect
Neither am I

I'm just not sure this is something that can be changed 😔

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 01/01/2022 07:50

How often do you have sex ?
How often does he want sex ?
How often do you want to have sex ?

Fireflygal · 01/01/2022 07:50

How long have you been married?

Original poster

Newyearhayyyy · 01/01/2022 08:01

He wants sex whenever possible but thinks once a day is normal or at least 4/5 times a week.
I'm happy to have sex when I'm in the mood and things fall into place. I.e we both aren't busy and kids are asleep/out.

Realistically that happens a couple of times a month at the moment. I agree it isn't ideal but these are the reasons I see

I won't have sex when the kids are wondering around the house so might come in. ( If they are settled watching a film or something and it's unlikely they will come find us then I will).

I like to go bed early and get up early. He is the opposite.

I like to go to bed early and get up early.

I have a stressful job and take on the majority of the mental load of raising a family. I work part time and he is full time but I find it difficult to switch off at times.

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 01/01/2022 08:03

Does he watch porn ?

SpeedReader · 01/01/2022 08:05

"He wants me to think about what I am willing to change to improve things."

Immediately red flags are waving.

Perhaps it's just your summary of the story, but it sounds like this "problem" is being put 100% on you, in what was neither a productive nor supportive discussion.

It also sounds like you're self-aware enough to have some insight into your sex drive and its relationship to your MH issues - what's his level of self-awareness and emotional maturity? Is he usually this terrible at discussing difficult topics? Is he willing to think about what he might change to improve things, or what he might do to help support you, etc?

I don't know if you're incompatible, but I suspect you'll need to have a another go at this discussion (perhaps a number of goes).

EmmasMum12 · 01/01/2022 08:06

What could he do to help you, so that you feel more able to relax and have sex more regularly?

For example would he go to bed early and wake early ?

How do you feel about having sex 4 or 5 times a week ?

SpeedReader · 01/01/2022 08:06

"He wants sex whenever possible but thinks once a day is normal or at least 4/5 times a week."

The statistics do not support his contention that this is "normal", at least in terms of "the norm"!

SandysMam · 01/01/2022 08:19

4 to 5 times a week is loads when you have kids and a busy job and a house to run. And I say that as someone who loves dearly and fancies my DH. There will be many on here who never have sex and even more who think once or twice a month is good going. No one should be guilted into sex if they don’t feel like it and with all that on your plate, I’m not surprised if you don’t! No real advice, just validation really. Don’t be forced into anything you don’t want to do.

SandysMam · 01/01/2022 08:20

Also yuck at him trying it when kids are wandering around!!! That’s not in any way appropriate!!

Choice4567 · 01/01/2022 08:26

I always get confused with these threads. I like sex but I can’t imagine how on earth anyone with kids fits it in everyday?! It would only happen if no other jobs were done in the house. But then there would never be any clean plates. Unless I’m doing something wrong?!

wizzywig · 01/01/2022 08:28

He may be laying the groundwork to justify seeking sex outside of the marriage.

Gooders1105 · 01/01/2022 08:29

I had this. I had no sex drive. Now, in retrospect I realise I did everything in the house bar a few menial tasks the STBXH deigned to do. I couldn’t switch off because I was being treated really poorly.
What could your husband support you with? What could he completely take on so that you felt more relaxed and in the mood for sex? If he put the kids to bed on his own (if they’re young enough) or oversaw that and you had that part of the evening to yourself and he came to bed with you early, would that help?
I was made to feel shit about this for years. It made me not want to have sex! He has responsibility for this as well. Tell him practically how he could help. Don’t accept that it is YOUR problem.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/01/2022 08:32

Ok. So what makes you feel sexy? Is there something you need from him? Most women feel sexier if they get compliments and genuine interest, affection from their partner throughout the day not just at sexy time.

Most women also feel sexier when they are not exhausted and run off their feet carrying the majority of the load at home
A common solution from sex therapists is to suggest that sex is off the table for a few weeks while the couple work on rebuilding intimacy and emotional connection. So lots of cuddles, massages, date nights, long chats.

How would he feel about that?? Is he willing to do any of the work or is it all up to you to deal with??
He needs to understand that sex is something that you do together not just you servicing him.

BingoLingFucker · 01/01/2022 08:32

He wants you to think about what you’re willing to change to improve things?

Maybe start with sharing the mental load stuff more evenly - there’s no turn off like a man who doesn’t pull his weight whilst expecting ridiculous amounts of sex.

Ask him what he’s willing to change to ensure you’re not as tired? Whilst accepting that you have normal boundaries.

He honestly sounds like an arsehole.

SmallElephant · 01/01/2022 08:33

I would tell him that he also needs to have a think about what he could change to improve things!

If one of the problems is that you like to go to bed early and he goes to bed late (so that I guess you're often already asleep by the time he comes to bed?), then isn't there a simple solution - he could sometimes come to bed earlier?

MoonbeamsGlittering · 01/01/2022 08:34

I'm a man (in case that's relevant) and I have a higher sex drive than my wife. I would like more sex, but I see that it's my responsibility to see what I can do to lighten her load and give her more energy and time, so that she might feel like having sex more often. For example, I've been doing much more than 50% of house/kid stuff, doing virtually all night wakings and early mornings, school runs and so on. I think that this has helped. We have had sex more often, because she has had more time to rest and recharge and she actually feels like having sex more often. Perhaps your DH could consider something similar?

EmmasMum12 · 01/01/2022 08:39

I thought that @wizzywig.

OP.... have the conversation about what he is prepared to do to help you have more time/feel more relaxed

From that conversation you will know where his mind is at

LizzieSiddal · 01/01/2022 08:42

He wants me to think about what I am willing to change to improve things.

Getting rid of him would improve your life immeasurably.

He wants sex every day, including when the Dc are around. Yuk!
You do “the majority of the mental load of bringing up the Dc”. Yuk!

It’s him who needs to “think about what he is willing to change”.

junebirthdaygirl · 01/01/2022 08:44

Well l don't know how he thinks he can fit that in if he goes to bed late. Could ye agree that he has an early night every few nights but don't be under pressure those nights either as you may not be in the mood.
Is there some things he can do that makes it easier for you in a practical way eg if he does bedtime completely some nights and you get to go to your room and relax and take some time to yourself. Also l think there is nothing as sexy as a men cleaning the house to share the load so you have the physical energy to enjoy sex later.
Are you taking antidepressants as they can hinder your desire for sex buy your dh needs to be understanding abut this.
Sex every day in a busy household is an unattainable goal and sounds like your dh is not thinking of anyone else but himself there. There is no way l would agree to do it while kids are roaming the house as that's totally inappropriate and if the dc were to tell their teacher l would say ye could be in trouble. He is showing a total lack of respect for you and for the children with that carry on.
Also as your dh gets older he may experience some dysfunction himself and how will he feel if you're demanding sex every da and making him feel inadequate.

Be rest assured there are not many couples with young children and busy jobs who are having sex every day.
And your dh doesn't sound very nice.

GoodnightGrandma · 01/01/2022 08:46

@wizzywig

He may be laying the groundwork to justify seeking sex outside of the marriage.

That’s what I’m thinking. Putting the blame on the OP in preparation.

Mommabear20 · 01/01/2022 08:47

DH is the same. I have low sex drive anyway but with 2 kids under 2 and all the house work to do, I just don't have time or the energy!

BackBackBack · 01/01/2022 08:52

I tell you what I can do to change, darling:

I can stop taking on the full mental load of doing everything.

I can insist that you pull your weight in the house - with cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, childcare, sorting our homework, nit checks and so on.

I can expect you to make much more of an effort to make me feel wanted and valued, so that I want to have sex with you.

If you don't agree with any of the above then YOI need to think about what YOU need to do to change, instead of expecting me to be your human wank sock.

Kdubs1981 · 01/01/2022 08:55

I have a stressful job and take on the majority of the mental load of raising a family. I work part time and he is full time but I find it difficult to switch off at times.

Well, here's part of the problem! Both for your mental health drive and sex life: you're exhausted and taking on responsibility alone (I'm not blaming you for this by the way, it's so, so common and I can relate).

What is he willing to change to improve things? This is not all on you. His behaviour influences you. He needs to step up.

Also in my opinion (others will disagree) sex once a day when you have busy lives, jobs and especially jobs is completely unrelated. Particular lot when one person is shouldering most of the responsibility.

I think keep talking, but do not shoulder the blame. Make sure he understands it's a two way street

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