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Original poster

DH not happy in our marriage

43 replies

Newyearhayyyy · 01/01/2022 07:36

DH told me last night he wasn't happy because we don't have a lot of sex. He wants me to think about what I am willing to change to improve things.

I do have a low sex drive generally that has been worse due to mental health issues. This has improved abit and I was hoping it would improve more as I improve my mental health.

Are we just not compatible?

I'm not sure what I can do, I'm not sure what he expects me to change???

Am I missing something, is there anything I can do to improve my sex drive?

OP posts:
Excitedforthefuture · 01/01/2022 08:57

Take sex completely out of the equation fora minute

Do you otherwise have a good relationship?

Kdubs1981 · 01/01/2022 08:59
  • especially kids!
Kdubs1981 · 01/01/2022 08:59

Jesus. Sorry for the typos

Anothernick · 01/01/2022 09:02

@MoonbeamsGlittering

I'm a man (in case that's relevant) and I have a higher sex drive than my wife. I would like more sex, but I see that it's my responsibility to see what I can do to lighten her load and give her more energy and time, so that she might feel like having sex more often. For example, I've been doing much more than 50% of house/kid stuff, doing virtually all night wakings and early mornings, school runs and so on. I think that this has helped. We have had sex more often, because she has had more time to rest and recharge and she actually feels like having sex more often. Perhaps your DH could consider something similar?
I'm a man as well and I agree with this 100%. 4 or 5 times a week is a lot, especially with young children, but if you want more sex you have to encourage your DW to want it as well by doing thing suggested here and also by ensuring that she enjoys it when you do it. When our DC were young we agreed that we should try to do it at least once a week, a good sex life involves communication and compromise not one partner making demands of the other.
headspin10 · 01/01/2022 09:06

There is such good advice on here.

I would be writing out a very detailed list of all the responsibilities I hold (inc. all mental load) and ask him to do the same. Then compare and explain why you are often tired. - He needs to step up and do more I would guess...?

It is absolutely NOT up to you to make changes! I would say we are at around the same frequency and 4-5 times a week would def not be attainable for us unless we had a significant amount of help with the house/ children.

LalaLopsie · 01/01/2022 09:09

I had this. He went on to get the sex from gang bangs during his lunch breaks.
From my experience, when they go down the path of "sex once a day is normal" it is just laying the groundwork by having unrealistic demands. My guess is that his problem is not only how often, but also who with. My h also obsess3with porn.
You'd think you would know someone who you've build a home and a life with..

layladomino · 01/01/2022 09:23

So often on here we read about posters whose OH has left them, saying they haven't been happy for a while / not enough affection / not enough fun / not enough sex. And our first response is usually 'Did they tell you that? Did they talk about it and try to solve the problem before going off with someone else?'

So when someone does that - confides that they aren't happy and wants to do something about it - then we should at least respect the fact they are being honest and trying to solve the problem.

Your DH expectations of 'normal' are unrealistic, and if he is comparing your relationship with 4/5 a week sex then he's making the issue seem bigger than it is.

Is your relationship otherwise good? If not, then perhaps it has run its course, and the frequency of sex is the least of your problems. I know that can be hard to answer, as so often problems become entangled. But if you feel that it's always been a basically good partnership then it might be worth fighting for. But that means both of you fighting for it. And honesty on both sides.

If there are things that deter you from wanting sex (tiredness, resentment about workload for example) then tell him. If you establish a difference in what you both want from the relationship then you need to decide if the difference can be bridged, satisfactorily for you both.

If he thinks it's all on you, and you should automatically find him attractive and sexy when you're exhausted and have run around picking up after him all day, then that's totally unfair.

Or does he expect you to do all the running, to fulfill his sexual needs?

ElectraBlue · 01/01/2022 09:43

You mentioned mental health issues, is this due to stress and having too much to do?

If you have young kids and a job you are bound to be tired and not always in the mood.

If you partner knows that you are struggling with the mental health, it is really crappy of him to add even more pressure on you...

You are doing the right thing by addressing your mental health first and understanding that you need time to get better. I think your partner is being unreasonable by not respecting the fact that you are struggling.

I would have a firm conversation with him. Remind him that your health has been an issue but that you are taking steps to improve this and that it will take time. So you are already actively doing something that will improve your relationship in the long run. Also tell him that you expect more practical support from him (if he does not do his fair share of chores/helping with the kids).

If he does not see your point of view as well, I would seriously reconsider this relationship. You don't need an immature, demanding man who is unable to help you when you are struggling and who instead focuses on his needs only...

LizzieSiddal · 01/01/2022 09:58

So when someone does that - confides that they aren't happy and wants to do something about it - then we should at least respect the fact they are being honest and trying to solve the problem

Well he wants the OP to do something about his excessive demands, which doesn’t really require respect.

Crazykatie · 01/01/2022 10:29

You might be bonking most days in the first months of a relationship, not much longer, you are far better off having a really good romp once a week, twice on occasions. My guess that is about average for couples, it certainly is about right for me, quality beats quantity every time.

So I think your man is being unreasonable, he is not going to find a partner that wants sex 5 times a week for long.

moremoony · 01/01/2022 10:35

He brought this up on NYE? What an arse

EightNationNavy · 01/01/2022 14:03

I take it he's nothing special in bed then?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 01/01/2022 15:19

I just don't think it's realistic, if sex wasn't or isn't a priority either on an individual level or early doors.

People crowd there relationships with other obligations, then wonder why intimacy in all levels disappears.
Then the relationship collapses.

Both parties do it.

LostForIdeas · 01/01/2022 16:07

So when someone does that - confides that they aren't happy and wants to do something about it - then we should at least respect the fact they are being honest and trying to solve the problem

Actually I think you have a point.
HOWEVER, a problem like this isnt one you can solve on your own.
There might be a mistmatch if expectations (eg has he really expected sex everyday since the start of the relationship? Or was he content for years with twice a week before?)
Low libido can have many causes. One being tired and being ready for sex at different times of the day. If he expects sex at the end of the day when the OP is exhausted, does ut make sense? What about him getting up early instead? Would that help?
What about his input in the house, th support he is giving her re depression etc…
And then you have expectations that are just not ok. I mean expecting sex when the dcs are around and awake? Really? Not possible to wait until they are bed or as the OP says, at least that they are engrossed in a film?

Some of those can e solved by the Op herself, but most are actually a negotiation and then working it out TOGETHER.
Him saying that it’s up to her to solve the issue is making HER issue only and it’s not ok. It’s also setting her up to fail. Which makes me wonder why he is taking this stance tbh.

So yes, the right way to deal with that is o express the issue. The wrong way to deal with the issue is to dump the responsibility onto your partner and wash your hands of it.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/01/2022 16:09

Id rather leave someone than be pressured into more sex than I feel like. In fact I left my 2nd husband for just that.
Nobody is going to threaten me into having sex I don't want.

tarasmalatarocks · 01/01/2022 16:19

@Shehasadiamondinthesky— exactly—
you can give the reasons till they come out your ears, but sometimes in some cases there are no particular reasons —it’s just something you aren’t that bothered about anymore — like saying ‘why aren’t you into watching TV or making cakes’ and it doesn’t always have to have been the case that you’ve always been like that. , I just was gradually less and less interested beyond about 40 but I can’t say there was a specific reason. I know the general view is that you need to kind of ‘just do it’ if you want to keep your partner happy— I found I just couldn’t , unless I was actually in the mood— it made me tense up and felt totally unnatural and annoyed me.

SunflowerTed · 01/01/2022 19:02

Twice a month isn’t much to be honest. Why don’t you put a lock on your bedroom
Door - problem solved of kids wandering in = more sex!

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 01/01/2022 20:37

@MoonbeamsGlittering

I'm a man (in case that's relevant) and I have a higher sex drive than my wife. I would like more sex, but I see that it's my responsibility to see what I can do to lighten her load and give her more energy and time, so that she might feel like having sex more often. For example, I've been doing much more than 50% of house/kid stuff, doing virtually all night wakings and early mornings, school runs and so on. I think that this has helped. We have had sex more often, because she has had more time to rest and recharge and she actually feels like having sex more often. Perhaps your DH could consider something similar?
If more sex is important to him then he needs to do this. He should be asking how he can step up, to help you feel more supported and less stressed and exhausted. It's not a guarantee you'll want more sex, but in my experience when I've been less exhausted and touched out my libido has come back.

I'd tell him clearly that you're too exhausted and stressed and if he wants the chance of more sex he needs to step up and do more. That you need to both sit down and discuss ways he can lighten the load on you. He may be like my stbxh who expects more sex, but has no intention of stepping up, and will continue to be pissed off about the lack of sex while unwilling to make even the tiniest changes. If he is that's on him, not you. Hopefully he's like the poster above and willing to share the load and see where your relationship and sex life can go when he's doing that.

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