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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help. Teen DS

46 replies

failingatthis · 01/01/2022 05:49

I just woke up to my 17yo DS in the kitchen emptying a pack of painkillers. He says he has a sore head, but had popped an almost full blister pack onto the worktop, in the dark, saying he was counting how many were left.

He has come home from work a few hours ago and is drunk. There is clearly something going on with a girl he works with, who is a friend of a girl he was briefly seeing earlier in the year.

He gets so angry and/or emotional when drinking (not every single time, but often) and has had a lot on his mind for the last year or so.

My mind is racing, but he is just angry at me for trying to get him to talk.

I'm scared.

OP posts:
GingerScallop · 01/01/2022 06:00

I don't have any suggestions but here for a hand hold. Are you worried he is doing drugs?
perhaps have a chat with
mind.org.uk
www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/a-z-guide/drugs-and-alcohol/
etc

Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will come with a better response. Am sorry OP

Original poster
failingatthis · 01/01/2022 06:09

I am worried he was going to take more painkillers than needed for a headache.

I'm worried that he is really struggling with things and I don't know how to help him because he won't talk to me.

I'm worried that I say the wrong thing and make things worse for him.

I have my own anxiety and I worry that I'm blowing everything up and making his life harder with constantly worrying about him

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 01/01/2022 06:15

What are they? Paracetamol? If so I don't get the benefit of taking extra. But does he know the consequences of taking too many? Make sure you have that chat when he is sober.

GoodnightGrandma · 01/01/2022 06:15

Have you hidden/destroyed the painkillers now ?

Original poster
failingatthis · 01/01/2022 06:17

Ibruprofen. I let him have two and took the rest away.

OP posts:
Mintyt · 01/01/2022 06:24

I think you can ring 111 and there is a option to speak to. MH team.I think. Speak to them them pass the phone to your son he ma not talk to them but will listen. I cannot remember why but my so. Had a note pad and doodled on it while listening, he did speak but I couldn't hear what he said. But it calmed him. It's awful, your desperate, the best thing you can do is listen, bayou now will be on hype alert. Remove medication too. My son also took an accidental overdose around that time, this was about 3 yrs ago but he's ok and happy now

Oblomov21 · 01/01/2022 06:25

What is your relationship with him normally like, communication wise? Can he not verbalise how he feels about her / the things that are bothering him? It's quite a hard thing to do actually? I talked to my ds recently about exactly this recently. I was very hurt by a dear friend and verbalising it I found hard. Can you have a similar chat today?

Original poster
failingatthis · 01/01/2022 06:26

There are another 7 here, plus the 2 I gave him. The blister pack holds 16, and he says he hadn't taken any before I gave him two and took the rest away.

OP posts:
Original poster
failingatthis · 01/01/2022 06:27

He's sleeping now. I have wakened and asked if he took any before I came in and he said no, I'm hoping since he was half asleep he didn't have the capacity to lie

OP posts:
Original poster
failingatthis · 01/01/2022 06:30

No, he made a comment the other night about things on his mind and not having slept properly in months (I knew he had been upset about some things, which again he had mentioned when drinking a few weeks ago)

But he doesn't tell me much about what's going on in his life. We laugh and joke and he is such brilliant fun, but when he's down, he seems to really shut me out

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 01/01/2022 06:34

It’s when he’s in a good mood that you need to speak to him, just throw in a comment about how much you love him and want to help. Then leave it. If you go on too much they get in a mood and walk away.
It needs to be a quick statement when he’s in a receptive mood.

sweetbellyhigh · 01/01/2022 06:35

I think you're right to be concerned, it sounds very worrying.

I'd call for emergency help/advice.

I'd also write him a letter saying how much I loved him and wanted him to know that I would do anything at all to help if he wanted, that he is precious and adored. And that if ever he feels down or angry or depressed to please, please get help if not from me, from his GP, a crisis line, )list a few options.)

Tell him that no matter how grumpy or disapproving you may seem at times that all that really matters to you is your children's happiness. And that you know that it's hard being 17 being expected to be responsible but not yet having full independence. Say you are proud of who he is and you hope he can feel good about himself because he's a fantastic person.

That you have loved him from his first breath and will love him till your last. No matter what.

Look, it can't do any harm. My girl went through some dark times and communication was hard because she will teenagers so I used to send her little love letters. And hide all medication (inside the piano!) razors and so on. Yes they can buy them themselves but any temptation removed is a plus.

BobbieT1999 · 01/01/2022 06:36

Wait until he sobers up, op, you're not going to get anywhere while he's still drunk and in pain.

I'd then approach gently and try speaking to him again. If he won't engage, support him with normal boundaries and tlc. Eg - breakfast made for him might help him feel supported practically when he wakes hungover.

If he still won't engage with you, leave out some literature or send a text with links to Mind, the Samaritans etc and explain (succintly) that you're worries about him and while you can't/won't make him talk to you you hope he knows he always can. In the meantime if he is struggling as you suspect, the places you point him to can offer support.

He's learning to manage his feelings, relationships and burgeoning adulthood independently...its a lot, but he'll work through it. Flowers

Original poster
failingatthis · 01/01/2022 06:57

@sweetbellyhigh

I think you're right to be concerned, it sounds very worrying.

I'd call for emergency help/advice.

I'd also write him a letter saying how much I loved him and wanted him to know that I would do anything at all to help if he wanted, that he is precious and adored. And that if ever he feels down or angry or depressed to please, please get help if not from me, from his GP, a crisis line, )list a few options.)

Tell him that no matter how grumpy or disapproving you may seem at times that all that really matters to you is your children's happiness. And that you know that it's hard being 17 being expected to be responsible but not yet having full independence. Say you are proud of who he is and you hope he can feel good about himself because he's a fantastic person.

That you have loved him from his first breath and will love him till your last. No matter what.

Look, it can't do any harm. My girl went through some dark times and communication was hard because she will teenagers so I used to send her little love letters. And hide all medication (inside the piano!) razors and so on. Yes they can buy them themselves but any temptation removed is a plus.

Do you think I could tell him that in a text, now, for when he wakes? Or should I leave it until later?
OP posts:
Mintyt · 01/01/2022 06:59

I would text that to him now for when he wakes whenever I feel mine are struggling or such I sen a text remember your loved. I usually get a xx reply

sweetbellyhigh · 01/01/2022 07:00

@failingatthis

Yes text is great. X

Redwinestillfine · 01/01/2022 07:06

You need to ask him directly if he is suicidal and if so if he has a plan to kill himself. I watched a really good video on it at work once and shortly afterwards had to put into practice with my sister. This link has the same info www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/supporting-someone-who-feels-suicidal/talking-about-suicidal-feelings/

It sounds counter intuitive as most people brush stuff like this under the carpet. Don't

Original poster
failingatthis · 01/01/2022 07:19

I will send him the text now and then I will ask him that tomorrow, but I don't think he would tell me if that was the case.

I will need to tell his dad and tread carefully,
as i really don't want him (DS) to blow up and shut down if I have read the situation wrong in any way. I don't want him to feel ganged up on, if that makes sense

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 01/01/2022 07:21

I also think you should try and talk with him about how he is feeling, ask him if he is having suicidal thoughts and if he says yes, you need to explore how developed his thinking is- does he have a plan for how to do it. And if need be get help from the professionals- it is ok to take him to a&E, to see his gp or to call 999 if it develops into an emergency. I trained as a mental health first aider and we were told to always take hints and signs that someone feels suicidal seriously.

QueenVibes · 01/01/2022 07:32

Good luck 🤞.. Wish u the best outcome

Original poster
failingatthis · 01/01/2022 07:52

Thank you so much for all the advice.

He is sleeping, and reading your advice, plus writing the text to him with some links, has helped calm me.

I really hope he talks to me tomorrow.

OP posts:
lljkk · 01/01/2022 08:05

Ibuprofen is not usually linked with suicide, although not good to OD on it, either.

I'd start by asking why he was counting them. Only need 2 at a time and a lot more don't make you feel better in any way.

AtlasPine · 01/01/2022 08:13

Paracetamol would have been a lot worse.

I persuaded my dc to see a therapist for a few sessions in a similar situation so there was someone unemotionally involved to listen and I think it did help. I asked no questions at all about the sessions. I also saw someone myself for some sessions specifically (and quietly) to focus on how to support them and deal with my feelings around the issue. That also helped them a lot, a knock on effect.

So sorry you’re both going through this. It’s so stressful.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 01/01/2022 08:14

*06:17failingatthis

Ibruprofen. I let him have two and took the rest away.*

Well played OP the links above are excellent. I have some experience of this professionally so may know some local services depending on where in the Country you are feel free to PM me.

physicskate · 01/01/2022 08:28

Don't go ott. Although better for him to think you're nuts and stay safe than for anything bad to happen. Ask questions but be there to listen.

Another question I was taught to ask with someone considering harming themselves is: 'what is keeping you safe?' Ie, what's stopping you from harming yourself? Is it family? A relationship? Friends? Etc... it's a good thing to get someone to think of others or get them out of their own head for a minute. Remind them there are things/ people that should keep them safe. People care.