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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help. Teen DS

46 replies

failingatthis · 01/01/2022 05:49

I just woke up to my 17yo DS in the kitchen emptying a pack of painkillers. He says he has a sore head, but had popped an almost full blister pack onto the worktop, in the dark, saying he was counting how many were left.

He has come home from work a few hours ago and is drunk. There is clearly something going on with a girl he works with, who is a friend of a girl he was briefly seeing earlier in the year.

He gets so angry and/or emotional when drinking (not every single time, but often) and has had a lot on his mind for the last year or so.

My mind is racing, but he is just angry at me for trying to get him to talk.

I'm scared.

OP posts:

Original poster

failingatthis · 03/01/2022 02:58

Another awful night tonight.

DS drunk, angry, upset. Telling me it's none of my business, whatever it is, when I ask what's wrong. Swearing at me, blaming me. Doesn't want to be in this house, so was going to his dads. But couldn't even phone a taxi and wouldn't let me phone one, or let me take him. Has falling asleep crying while I waited for him to phone one.

I cannot live this way. He is constantly pushing and pushing and pushing the boundaries we set, and we have set them for this very reason - how emotional he gets, and the trouble I fear he will get himself into. I have no idea what has gone on tonight, or what is going on in general.

Other times, he is the best boy and I have always thought I have been so lucky. Maybe too lucky.

I think I need to ask his dad to have him for a few nights, not just the one he is due for tomorrow, to give us both some space. He said he wanted to speak to dad earlier. Yet, 6 weeks ago, on another drunken night, dad was the worst man alive.

I don't want to push him away. I want him to talk to me, but he won't. Is it wrong of me to ask his dad to keep him for a few nights? I would never tell him that. I'll get dad to suggest it. And hope he might open up to him, or his SM.

My stomach is in knots right now worrying about where this will end. I cannot bear to see him upset with no idea why, and I feel like I am making it worse for him.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 03/01/2022 03:32

OP this is awful for you both. Are you close to any of DS peers?
In dark times with my DS I would reach out to his friends.
It could be some pressure overplayed in his mind. Who can imagine what it's like to be a 17yo in the present climate. It's the finding out that's the first step.

Original poster

failingatthis · 03/01/2022 03:57

Thanks for replying @Monty27

No, he has such a wide friendship group, and the ones I've known the longest, aren't the ones he spends most time with, although they do still socialise.

I know I'm saying I have no idea. I do think tonight stems back to a girl, as I said in my original post.

My worry is that even before this, there have been other drunken, angry, or emotional nights. There's been ones where he's been happy as Larry and had a great night. But there is always a fear of how the night will pan out, and whether some underlying issue will bubble over. The change in him is frightening, but he is 17 and simply banning him from drinking is not going to work.

I have to hope that his dad and SM have a breakthrough tomorrow. His dad wants the three of us to talk with him, but I honestly feel like I should leave them to it, at least initially, for DS sake. Although it is causing me so much anxiety, I don't want him to feel blamed for that. I just want him to talk, to someone.

It helps to write here. His dad and SM are great, but I feel it's unfair for them to have to deal with me and try and calm me down, as well as manage and support DS, so thanks again.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 03/01/2022 04:14

OP that age has got to be the hardest. There's teen threads abound on here. I used to post regularly about DS.
They want to be adult they are trying to be adult but don't know how to be adult. They struggle being neither a child or an adult. The lost angry years of being introduced to exam and school pressures together with puberty and social pressure are so confusing. Enter girls, alcohol, drugs and feeling lost. This often results in anger and failure guilt.
Not an easy time for anyone in the firing line.
Keep an eye on who he's hanging out with. Encourage him to bring friends round for evenings here and there if you can. With boundaries of course.
It's a slog. I feel your pain 💐

Flickflak · 03/01/2022 04:55

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 03/01/2022 05:08

I think an appointment with a counselor could be very helpful.
I do too. He needs to learn how to deal with anger.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 03/01/2022 05:34

I am here OP up early ready to listen. You are doing a great job, he has 2 parents who love him and it sounds like a!supportive SM. You can get through this, you've got this.

sweetbellyhigh · 03/01/2022 06:29

Oh I am so sorry to hear he's still in Avery dark place.

Honestly I don't think he's in the right head space for a family meeting. He sounds quite unwell and if it was me I'd be calling mental health crisis team for advice.

No it is not bad for you to ask dad to take him for a few days. That's a very good idea.

Please ask him and also call a professional help service.

jelly79 · 03/01/2022 09:27

OP I'm so sorry you and your DS are going through this

Some suggestions from me would be

keep reassuring him you love him and you are available to him
make sure he knows you and his dad are a team and will help him together
reach out for support with his drinking as this may be a trigger
speak to one or two of his close friends in confidence?

My daughter struggled with MH for a period a few years ago and whilst no issues with drinking it was heartbreaking to see the lights go out. She took herself to the doctor and after some talking therapy learnt some coping techniques. She strongly recommends the CBT that she done. X

Calamitydrayne · 03/01/2022 09:48

It does sound like drink is the common denominator here and perhaps the root of the hyper emotional reactions. At 17 he shouldn't be able to buy alcohol anyway which makes me wonder if his friends may not be so good for him. Is his dad able to talk to him about drink? Clearly it is a problem for him as he isn't able to handle it without it causing emotional outbursts.

Original poster

failingatthis · 03/01/2022 10:53

@Calamitydrayne

I know of very few 17 year olds who don't drink. That's nothing to do with friends being a poor influence. That's teens now, (and even back when I was 17). I wish it wasn't, as it clearly isn't good for him, but it is.

I really appreciate the replies. I am trying to get him up and out for work just now, and I'll be back later.

Thank you.

OP posts:

irene9 · 04/01/2022 01:40

Why are you calling him for work? Does he not set his own alarm? He's 17 not 7.
If he's too drunk and sleeps in and losses his job, that's his look out.

TheDangerOfIgnorance · 04/01/2022 02:21

Thinking of you OP; worrying about your DS. @Neuro is right you are doing a great job …. And you are right to wake him. Losing a job right now won’t help him

Monty27 · 04/01/2022 02:49

@irene9

Why are you calling him for work? Does he not set his own alarm? He's 17 not 7. If he's too drunk and sleeps in and losses his job, that's his look out.

FFS @irene9 wtf experience do you have to qualify your unhelpfulness? OP you're a great supportive mum keep going 😊 xx

Geppili · 04/01/2022 02:50

It sounds like he has a drink problem already. He is using drink to numb himself and create a way to vent unpleasant feelings. Talking therapy would help if you could get him there. Does he do any exercise?

Pinkbonbon · 04/01/2022 03:05

For a start, he shouldn't be drinking at all at 17. If it's your roof he is under, have him come home at a reasonable time in the evenings and make it clear that if he comes home drunk, he will have to move out. Its your job to parent your child and if you can't expect an adult to behave responsibly and think rationally when are off their tits on booze, why on earth do you think a 17 year old boy would?

People will say it is difficult to police thinks like drinking but honestly op, bloody start trying.

Nononoandno · 04/01/2022 04:01

Some great advice on here I don’t have anything more to add really except that
my son went through a very difficult stage at about 16-17 I was very worried about him, following an ADD diagnosis and support he’s in a much better place personally and mentally. Please don’t panic but definitely take advice from what others have said, I feel for how worried you are, I remember the anxiety.

Try to get some support for you too about how to deal with such situations, my stance was to act strong and in control even if I didn’t feel like it, then I would throw up and sob when out of ear shot of my son.

Sending you hugs and strength 🤗

Nononoandno · 04/01/2022 04:03

Forgot to say…. My son joined a martial arts class, he had a fear of not being able to protect himself, this helped him no end and his confidence has improved massively.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 04/01/2022 07:36

I also have a 17yo this cohort have missed out on a huge part of their mid -late adolescence. So although drinking, going out etc they haven't had the "gentle run in" that other 17yo's have had. Some have coped better with this than others. In your son's case at the moment drinking doesn't seem to agree with him, perhaps suggest he should lay off it for a while...I wake my 17yo for school and work, I make him a smoothie too, nobody bothered with me when I was 17 (or16,15 or 14) and I wish they had for me it's expression of love.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 04/01/2022 07:39

It's good he has a job, does he go to school/college too ? DS play football for a team and does climbing. They need something structured, what are his hopes and dreams ?

sweetbellyhigh · 04/01/2022 10:12

@irene9

Why are you calling him for work? Does he not set his own alarm? He's 17 not 7. If he's too drunk and sleeps in and losses his job, that's his look out.

Good lord @irene9 The boy seems to be having a mental breakdown. Now is not the time for you to practise AIBU arseholery.

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