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Original poster

What would you do if your adult dc disliked someone who you were considering a relationship with?

42 replies

Pikeless · 31/12/2021 19:23

I’ll try to just do a bit of scene setting:

Someone I’ve known purely as a friend since 2015 has expressed an interest in me beyond friendship.

I feel similarly towards him. But my adult dc (3 of whom still live at home) hate him, really hate him.

This is because he walked off a building project I was having done in 2018. He walked off because his dw was very ill and she wanted him with her all the time.

He did leave me in a difficult situation because it’s not easy to find anyone willing to finish building projects begun by other builders. I did find someone eventually but it cost much more than I’d budgeted for, and didn’t turn out very well at all. It was a pretty horrible time.

I completely understood his reasons for walking off but my dc didn’t. They just saw how stressed the whole episode made me. I lost about 3 stone in two months and it cost me every last penny of my savings.

His wife recovered and is now his ex-wife. I dare not even mention his name in front of my dc as they instantly start on about how he ripped me off (he didn’t), left me in the shit (he did), is a conman (he isn’t) etc.

I don’t know what to do now because I know that they will disapprove massively, and it will put a strain on my relationship with them. However - they are all adults as I say. And will be moving out and on with their lives before too long.

All opinions welcome :). Thank you.

OP posts:
premium77 · 31/12/2021 19:27

your children are right. If he left you in that much stress that you lost 3 stone , I wouldn’t speak to someone like that again.

JohnSmithDrive · 31/12/2021 19:32

I think yiu can understand that he needed some time away, but not that he abandoned it altogether. He should have at least used his trade contacts to get you sorted and I'm nktnsure I would want a relationship with someone who could do that to me.

However, I'm surprised at such venom from DC.

Original poster
Pikeless · 31/12/2021 19:52

Thanks for replies. I did feel very upset at the time, especially when he didn’t help find a replacement, but his wife wasn’t expected to survive so I understood.

My dc are very protective - I’m widowed and they think I’m naive and not street smart and too trusting!

OP posts:
thefourgp · 31/12/2021 19:58

Your dc are right. I’m assuming he knew of her illness before starting the job. As others have said, it was his responsibility to get someone else to finish the job, not yours. I wouldn’t give someone who had such a negative affect on my life another chance to let me down again - regardless of the circumstances.

Original poster
Pikeless · 31/12/2021 19:59

Unanimous so far then. Thank you.

OP posts:
Xmasiscancelledagain · 31/12/2021 20:03

I'm also in agreement with your DC.

I'm assuming that if you're still in contact with him, then he was a friend prior to the pulling out of the project. People don't dump their friends in that much shit.

DramaAlpaca · 31/12/2021 20:06

I would listen to my adult DC.

HollowTalk · 31/12/2021 20:06

I agree with your children, too. He could have gone home a couple of times within the day to check his wife was OK. He could have had an early finish each day. He could have helped you find someone else for the job. He didn't do any of that. He made your life hell and now he wants a relationship with you! No way.

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/12/2021 20:07

I don’t think it’s for your adult D.C. to police your relationships. While I’d listen to their concerns ultimately who you date isn’t their concern. In saying that I’d be wary of someone who let you down so badly in the past and wouldn’t rush into anything, I’d also be very protective of my finances and wouldn’t be making any joint commitments with him. Is your partner aware of just how badly you were impacted by his behaviour? What happens if he has another crisis - does he leave you in the lurch again? It’s one thing being let down by a contractor, quite another being let down by a life partner.

MsGrumpytrousers · 31/12/2021 20:10

He left a building job because his wife was dangerously ill? He sounds as if he's one of the good guys to me. What would you all have thought if he'd stuck around plastering while she was dying?

It's nice that your kids feel they're being loyal to you, but could you tell them you'd rather have their support in a potential nice new relationship?

Outlyingtrout · 31/12/2021 20:14

I think the building project is just one of those really unfortunate things that isn’t anybody’s fault. Of course his priority was and should have been his wife. She was an actual human being who he loved who needed him desperately and was expected to die so of course he prioritised that over some bricks and mortar and money.

Even so, I wouldn’t pursue a relationship with somebody who my DC felt negatively towards, whatever their ages. I know some people will feel that you’re entitled to do as you please and it’s none of their business etc which is of course true, but I want my DC to always be a big part of my life and to be comfortable in my home and happy to spend time with me. I want a close family. Having a partner that they hate would hugely affect that. You admit yourself that it will put a strain on your relationship with them. They’ll do what I do with my mother who has chosen to remain married to my abusive father, which is keep her at arms length. We don’t do cosy Sunday lunches or holidays together and I don’t pop round to their house. He is rarely involved in socialising because he knows we can’t stand him so 99 times out of 100 we see my mum alone either at our house or we go out sometimes. You’d be crazy to choose to damage your relationship with your kids for a guy you’re not invested in.

dumplings1 · 31/12/2021 20:17

He left you in it as a friend, he could of offered to help find you another builder rather than leaving you to it but he didn't, there's a risk he'll leave you when it suits him.

Not sure how long you've been together but I'd hold off mentioning him for quite a while, any problems with him will soon show and if they do you know to get rid of him before introducing him as your bf.

Pinkbonbon · 31/12/2021 20:20

Sorry but I'm with your kids too.
He could have reduced his hours and budgeted his time and still helped you and still been there for his wife.

Has he paid you back for his abandonment?
If not, he is a cheeky fucker to even suggest dating you.

Your kids are right op.
And if they go as far as to consider him a conman as opposed to someone who made bad choices and wronged you...then i suspect he is a real wrong'un.

pollygartertidywife · 31/12/2021 20:20

Could not disagree more. So typical MN.. Not only are you expected to done sack cloth and ashes and take a vow of celibacy if you happen to be single with kids .. (until they are at least 21) less the poor little mites get upset - and god smite you if you EVER consider having a relationship with a man who has children already ... but now your ADULT Kids get to dictate your love life !!

No OP. You are an actual grown adult female quite able to choose who to date and have a relationship with. Time to assert yourself and stop being told what to do by kids who will be getting on with their own lives.

Would you presume to cast an opinion and be impolite to their choice of partner . Part of growing up is compromise. They need to get over themselves.

PlanetNormal · 31/12/2021 20:21

I completely understand their concerns. They have perfectly legitimate reasons to dislike this man and they have your interests at heart. Do they have reason to doubt his story about why he left you in the lurch? Do they have reason to believe he didn’t tell you the whole truth?

user15364596354862 · 31/12/2021 20:22

they think I’m naive and not street smart and too trusting!

I kind of agree tbh.

TheWomandestroyed · 31/12/2021 20:23

Why is she now his ex wife?

user15364596354862 · 31/12/2021 20:24

Not only are you expected to done sack cloth and ashes and take a vow of celibacy if you happen to be single with kids

Eh? Is the chip on your shoulder preventing you from reading the op's posts?

There is a specific issue with a specific man. Nobody has suggested she join a convent.

Original poster
Pikeless · 31/12/2021 20:25

Thank you so much for more opinions.

You’re all saying the same thing, and I have to admit you’re all saying things that I have thought.

I love my dc enormously and I think they love me too, hence the protectiveness. It’s just that I know they’ll be off as soon as they’re in a position to be off, and that leaves me on my own.

I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and hadn’t really thought I’d ever want one again. But I did/do like him so thought “ok, maybe”. I don’t want to start one though, develop more feelings, and then find my dc won’t come near me :(.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 31/12/2021 20:25

Why suffer the hassle? Plenty more fish in the sea.

Outlyingtrout · 31/12/2021 20:28

@pollygartertidywife its not that adult kids have a right to dictate anything. But they do have a right to limit their contact with somebody they feel a strong dislike for. The fact is, if OP wants to have a close relationship with her kids where they are comfortable popping over and spending lots of family time etc then she needs to be aware that probably won’t happen if she chooses a partner they hate. Maybe she will decide that doesn’t matter to her or is t the kind of relationship she wants with her kids anyway, as is her right. But it’s something that needs consideration as it’s such a foreseeable scenario.

WaitinginVain · 31/12/2021 20:40

I would also listen to your DC if your relationship with them is important to you, regardless of where they are living.

I think the fact that they are unanimous in their feelings towards this man should tell you something.

pollygartertidywife · 31/12/2021 20:42

Then I think you need to get to know him away from your home. Go on dates, go to his. Get to see what sort of person he really is.. then if you still like him you need to speak to your children and explain that this is your choice and they can be happy for you or neutral - no judgment required .

I am also wondering if this is because their father has died as opposed to divorce. My cousin started to date a widower .. his ADULT daughter bought 'mum' over in an earn whenever he tried to introduce my friend . Too fucking weird for words. Addressed questions to 'mum' and voiced her replies. .. death makes people behave in very peculiar ways but this woman was adamant that her dad didn't need anyone else as 'mum' was still 'with us'

Adult kids really do need to butt out of parents relationships.

Original poster
Pikeless · 31/12/2021 20:47

She’s an ex wife now because she had a 3 year long affair, including during the period of her illness.

I love my dc, and want to be involved in their lives as much as possible. But who knows where they’ll move to - 2 of them want to move abroad (whether that’ll happen or not I don’t know). And the 3rd doesn’t especially like the town we live in so probably wouldn’t stay local.

I know they have my best interests at heart but a) they also want (and must have) lives of their own, b) they’re all quite strong personalities and don’t really do shades of grey.

It’s probably not worth all this angst is it?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 31/12/2021 20:51

Did he tell you she had a 3 year long affair?
Have you only his word on that being true and why she left?