What would you do if your adult dc disliked someone who you were considering a relationship with?

[Pikeless]

I’ll try to just do a bit of scene setting:

Someone I’ve known purely as a friend since 2015 has expressed an interest in me beyond friendship.

I feel similarly towards him. But my adult dc (3 of whom still live at home) hate him, really hate him.

This is because he walked off a building project I was having done in 2018. He walked off because his dw was very ill and she wanted him with her all the time.

He did leave me in a difficult situation because it’s not easy to find anyone willing to finish building projects begun by other builders. I did find someone eventually but it cost much more than I’d budgeted for, and didn’t turn out very well at all. It was a pretty horrible time.

I completely understood his reasons for walking off but my dc didn’t. They just saw how stressed the whole episode made me. I lost about 3 stone in two months and it cost me every last penny of my savings.

His wife recovered and is now his ex-wife. I dare not even mention his name in front of my dc as they instantly start on about how he ripped me off (he didn’t), left me in the shit (he did), is a conman (he isn’t) etc.

I don’t know what to do now because I know that they will disapprove massively, and it will put a strain on my relationship with them. However - they are all adults as I say. And will be moving out and on with their lives before too long.

All opinions welcome :). Thank you.

@pollygartertidywife

Then I think you need to get to know him away from your home. Go on dates, go to his. Get to see what sort of person he really is.. then if you still like him you need to speak to your children and explain that this is your choice and they can be happy for you or neutral - no judgment required .

I am also wondering if this is because their father has died as opposed to divorce. My cousin started to date a widower .. his ADULT daughter bought 'mum' over in an earn whenever he tried to introduce my friend . Too fucking weird for words. Addressed questions to 'mum' and voiced her replies. .. death makes people behave in very peculiar ways but this woman was adamant that her dad didn't need anyone else as 'mum' was still 'with us'

Adult kids really do need to butt out of parents relationships.

I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh but the image of bringing mum over in her urn made me laugh! Maybe my lot would feel better if I brought dh with me on dates!

I thought about doing what you say in your first paragraph there @pollygartertidywife. The problem with that is what happens if I end up liking him a lot but my dc remain un-won-over (I don’t think that’s a real word is it?!). I’d choose them but it would be so much harder if I’d developed feelings.

He did tell me @Pinkbonbon. But I know it’s true as we have friends in common.

His ex was so life threateningly ill that he had to quit his job and leave you completely in the lurch so he could be with her all day but he claims she was also continuing an affair during that time? Doesn’t sound right.

Well I know the affair bit is true and she’s with the man now. I only have his word for it that it was 3 years.

You have every right to pursue a relationship with this man if you want to. Your children are adults, so you don't have the same moral responsibility to put them first as you did when they were still minors.

However your children, now adults, also have the right NOT to have any kind of relationship, or contact, with someone they consider to be an arsehole (and it sounds as though they have good reasons for feeling that way). So you may see less of your children, and have less of a close relationship with them, if you become a couple with this man.

It's your choice, really. I would choose my adult children every time. I know others who have chosen differently, and they don't see much of them.

@Pikeless

He did tell me *@Pinkbonbon*. But I know it’s true as we have friends in common.

Her friends or his?

I’m in @pollygartertidywife’s corner - your children need to respect you are a person in your own right. It’s not their role to make your decisions - they can have an opinion, but only that. You cannot wait for them to agree on a partner for you… you will be waiting forever…

As for leaving a project to support his the wife, I should bloody well think so - the idea that you should only worry for a few hours, then get on with the job is laughable. And would have been far more worrying that he’d prioritise someone else’s non-essential building works over his wife’s health…

If he proves himself to be a good partner to you first then you can tell your children about him, perhaps they'll come round to the idea if not it's still possible to have a relationship and see your children separately as long as they feel you aren't choosing him over them.

My mothers with an awful violet man, obviously I don't like him so she never sees me, it doesn't have to be like that. You can have a balance of personal and family life.

Reason I'm questioning it is that it just seems very 'woe is me'. His wife is supposedly dying and yet also managed to have a 3 year long affair even though part of that she was at deaths door.

If she was well enough to be... out and about then he should have stuck out his work commitments and can't use her as an excuse for abandoning the work.

…and before someone bleats that building works are essential, no they are not - it’s only important to you, no one else…

As someone whose Mum got into a relationship with a man that I couldn't stand to be in the same room as, don't do that to your DC.

It's a real shit position when your Mum puts a stranger before you, whether you're 5 or 35.

Thanks again everyone. Most of you seem to think it’s a no. And that’s ok, like I say, I choose my dc.

@Pinkbonbon I have friends who know his ex wife.

So while she was dangerously dying, she managed an affair.

I normally would be more even-handed but I think your children sound a bit traumatised by what happened to you.

He didn't have to totally drop you in it, to your financial cost.

He could have been more professional.

I'm with your children, he's not a good man.

A good man doesn't do what he did professionally, even in those circumstances.

Avoid.

@BoodleBug51

As someone whose Mum got into a relationship with a man that I couldn't stand to be in the same room as, don't do that to your DC.

It's a real shit position when your Mum puts a stranger before you, whether you're 5 or 35.

But I don't think it's that they can't stand him. They don't like what he did – and lots of us here are saying we think what he did was perfectly reasonable. But they're not objecting to what he's like, because they don't actually know what he's like. They're objecting on the basis of one thing he did that caused a lot of inconvenience. But it cause it mostly to the OP, so if the OP is happy to let bygones be, I don't see who their opinion trumps that.

Go on a couple of dates and see if he's worth it, OP. If he's not you can just bury the whole thing.

She had an affair while she was so ill, she wasn’t expected to survive? Really? As for him leaving you in the lurch? He wouldn’t get the time of day from me…

Hmm no.
I’m a surveyor and I wouldn’t walk out on a friends construction job without leaving something in place (would def walk out from my paid work, as there would be company procedures to cover me).

For a friend, who’s relying on you, it’s a big deal. He should have been with his wife absolutely but he will have contacts and absolutely be able to call on this in an emergency, and get someone he knew to do it even if there was a slight delay to your project.

Leaving you to sort the shit show is not ok, and a couple of hours on his laptop at home would have sorted it enough that you didn’t suffer.

@Pikeless

You say it cost you every penny if your savings. Has he ever offered you any financial reimbursement for the extra money which you had to pay to get your project finished? Or tried to improve the job done by the other contractors when he just walked off the job? Or acknowledged the stress you were under, so much that you lost so much weight?

How can he contemplate attempting a relationship with you after the way he treated you? 🌹