Can’t live like this but can’t stop living

[Anon2022]

Just that !
Got 3 beautiful kids
But in a terrible marriage
On so many grounds …

kids are growing up fast and developing their lives separately , but they still need our support
Obviously

Which we can’t really provide as we are not a supportive team who see anything the same - everything is a battle ( access to technology , behaviours , manners )

One child is closer to dad and I am terrified that divorce would make the kids feel like their loyalties are divided … and make them fall out … and he will be left on his own or resentful of being removed from dad

I hate arguing but dad is constantly angry and anxious and children are suffering . He is a big wage earner and has told me that I have no option to divorce unless I want to be very sorry

I fear splitting up won’t make the issues easier either if they get one rule from me on weekdays, another on weekends… and 3 kids with different needs is a lot even when things go well … it’s not going to make all the problems disappear if I am a single parent trying to make ends meet

I feel like I am the only disciplinarian - so the hate and push back from the kids comes to me and I am not enjoying parenting at all. Especially to the older kids …

I fell zero value in my life - but suicide is not ok. So I need to shake myself up … but how ?
Every day is a struggle and I can’t stop fantasising about hurting myself to make all this stop

I need help - it’s not fair on my children for me to not be strong and positive

But how ? How do I make it work every single day when I just want to melt away

I think you really need to get this moved to relationships. There are lots of really knowledgeable and supportive posters over there who will have lots of practical advice.

Lots of women stay for all sorts of reasons but if, as you say, the children are suffering now (with angry anxious dad) then the best way forward would be to leave and deal with any issues as they arise. As least you will be able to deal with them without being stuck in a place that leaves you feeling you want to harm yourself & sharing a bed with someone you don’t like.

You really should think about having a chat to your Dr though wrt support for your MH. I hope you can find away forward.

Thanks

Not sure how to move the post
You’re right
This is not a sensible place to put it

But was very upset when I posted

Your H sounds like a real peach! Threatening you if you divorce is never a good stance no matter what.

It's not easy but leaving and showing the DC that they have one stable and fair parent is better than staying in an unhappy house.

It's easy to be the fun parent when all of the day to day care falls on the other stricter parent, much less so when you are in sole charge. At the present time he gets to be fun and undermine you, if you separated he would be able to make the rules (or lack of them in his home) but would have to do the actual parenting as well. You would get to be able to have some of the fun times as well as the hard work which presumably at present you miss out on.

@Anon2022

Thanks

Not sure how to move the post
You’re right
This is not a sensible place to put it

But was very upset when I posted

Click on 'Report' at the top right of your post and ask MNHQ to move it to the board you want it on.

Get bank statements, proof of all assets, don't tell him. Then seek legal advice.

I also think you need legal advice before you think about anything in too much detail.

Please ring Samaritans

Hello, OP.
Sorry to hear you're feeling this way.
We'll move this thread along to Relationships for you now.
All the best.

@HikingforScenery

Please ring Samaritans

This is good advice. Just call them, they will listen and at least you can talk to someone.

How old are your DC?

If you're feeling suicidal please get some help ASAP. There are many charities who can help.

Longer term get some good counselling and start to make a plan how to leave. Gather documents and get legal advice. You may be better off than you think financially.

The children will get over the divorce and are likely to actually appreciate your stable and settled home with rules and without arguments. Your H is a tosser and that's not a good environment for them to grow up in.

Your H may play the Disney dad well at the moment but that's easy when he doesn't actually have to do any parenting.

OP, who looks after you? Who considers what you need? What would be good for you?

You are at the point of feeling suicidal because your marriage is bad. You absolutely can divorce and no you won’t be sorry. That’s ridiculous. Many people divorce. It’s not the 1800’s!! You have choice and agency. You are a person in your own right. You are allowed to be happy. I think you will be stronger when you are on your own and away from his voice every day. You can have distance and grey rock. The first step is getting out and doing it with dignity. Do you have access to funds? Could you afford a years rent on a small house or apartment?

I stopped working after second child
I have no funds of my own

You don’t need funds of your own. That’s the point of marriage. Your H is a high earner and you have facilitated that by being a support for him at home. See a solicitor and take as much info as you can to see what they can suggest. You may find things are better than you imagine.

OP when my DSis left her husband she was suddenly given ££££ extra, that she wasn’t expecting, by tax credits.
They will always be a way money wise. It may be tough whilst you sort things out but surely even that has got to be better than putting up with how you are living now?
You may be entitled to all sorts of help whilst sorting out things financially.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/benefits-introduction/