Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Adapting to living with someone in your 40s after years alone

30 replies

Istillwantapuppy · 31/12/2021 14:02

I met DP in my very late 30s, had spent years alone before this.

He’s a good guy but I’m struggling.

I find it difficult him being there all the time. It’s hard to explain exactly why it bothers me, but I do find it a bit stifling sometimes.

I find it hard to fit into someone else’s schedule and routine. When I was by myself I would do housework and cleaning and washing when I felt like it, now it feels like it has to be done sort of all the time … that’s not because of anything he’s said. It’s more I’ll go into the bedroom and realise it’s mess and when it was just me I wouldn’t care but now I feel pressured to sort it.

Small things but he always has the TV or radio on. Sometimes it really does my head in!

Audience when I’m getting dressed - I am self conscious and I guess it wouldn’t bother most people but I hate it.

Am I just too set in my ways?

OP posts:

sunshinesupermum · 31/12/2021 14:09

No I don't think you are too set in your ways. Some people (most?) like/need their own space from each other, especially having lived alone for a period of time.

Have you moved into his or him into yours? Can you not each keep your own separate place still? DP and I did for 10 years prior to 2020 and have been living in mine since then due to Covid. Some of the things he insists upon drive me potty but I guess some of the things I do drive him up the wall too. Just takes time and a bit of give and take.

Are you someone who likes her home always tidy but he doesn't mind a mess? We keep our place tidy but housework isn't a priority tbh.

Original poster

Istillwantapuppy · 31/12/2021 14:12

I’ve still got my place but we do have a child together so living apart not practical.

I can’t say I’m massively fussed about a messy house and with a young child it probably won’t be a show home. But yeah I moved into his. The decor isn’t to my taste either. We are moving but I’m not sure it’ll be any better! We have different likes and dislikes.

OP posts:

BigFatLiar · 31/12/2021 14:19

For what it's worth he may well feel the same. Living together is a big compromise for both of you. It's worse if you feel like you're the only one making changes.

Original poster

Istillwantapuppy · 31/12/2021 14:22

Hmm yes but he does get a bit more of a break from me than I do from him. And it feels like in terms of things you can’t compromise on - like pets or TV or similar - I have to cede to him rather than VV. I don’t think that’s intentional on his behalf but it is frustrating.

OP posts:

BigFatLiar · 31/12/2021 14:33

@Istillwantapuppy

How does he manage to get more of a break form you than you from him? Surely you get a break from each other. As for other things it's something you need to sort out trying not to argue. Don't let it fester and try not to get angry. I'm fortunate in that OH basically let's me take charge, calls the Boss or Senior Management, I'm not really bossy it's more a case of he's all for the easy life and goes along with what I want.

RantyAunty · 31/12/2021 14:33

I understand what you're saying.

I couldn't live with another man again.

Even though it isn't directly said, they imply that everything should revolve around them. You get a lot more work and not many benefits.
Has all the housekeeping and childcare fallen on you. Shopping, cooking, etc.

Original poster

Istillwantapuppy · 31/12/2021 14:37

@BigFatLiar yes but he gets more downtime at home because I WOTH, see friends, exercise, a lot more than he does. Plus when I’m out of the house I generally have DS with me which isn’t really a break!

@RantyAunty it’s tough going

OP posts:

sunshinesupermum · 31/12/2021 15:25

DP and I have dissimilar tastes but emotionally we are as one. No young children though which does make a difference for you.

SallyWD · 31/12/2021 15:42

I've never really lived alone (always been in relationships or house shares). I'm now happily married with 2 children I adore but I still find it really hard to live with people! I crave time alone. I need it. Their constant presence makes me tired. I think it's just because I'm an introvert and really need to be alone a lot. My husband realises this and sometimes they all go away for a few days to visit his family. Its pure bliss!

Anordinarymum · 31/12/2021 15:49

OP Why not think of how life has improved instead of concentrating on the negatives because this is not going away anytime soon.........

NoSquirrels · 31/12/2021 15:53

And it feels like in terms of things you can’t compromise on - like pets or TV or similar - I have to cede to him rather than VV. I don’t think that’s intentional on his behalf but it is frustrating.

Have you told him this? That you feel he unintentionally gets his own way rather than compromising?

NoSquirrels · 31/12/2021 15:56

And tell him to sod off when you’re getting dressed! It’s fine to have that as a boundary if you’re self-conscious.

I feel a bit sad you think a new place won’t reflect your decor choices at all. Why not?

Original poster

Istillwantapuppy · 31/12/2021 16:06

I do try, @Anordinarymum and I am mostly fairly positive. I think the problem is I’ve been used to chilling at Christmas and this holiday just hasn’t felt like it at all. It has just been a never ending round of things to do.

@SallyWD I keep suggesting he takes our toddler to see his grandparents. Grandparents live about an hour away, so he goes, spends a couple of hours there,comes back, a good four hours for me. Bliss. But he doesn’t.

OP posts:

OwlSoup · 31/12/2021 16:14

I've been married 8 years to my husband and he's a lovely man - I cannot say anything about him is particularly irritating. We moved in together when I was 42 so yeah, I'm kinda set in my ways. He's very easy company

However - his very presence DOES irritate me sometimes. I'm a person who gains energy from being alone - being with people too much drains me

And I tell him this. It's not him, it's me. So I just tell him when I need a break, it's not personal, and I basically shut the door to the living room - we do have another room complete with tv etc so lucky in that respect

The point I'm making though is that I tell my husband. I literally just say the words ' I'm done with company and need a break to do my own thing' and he's not offended. Could you do similar? Just tell him how you're feeling.

And your user name seems to indicate you'd like a puppy. Is this true and if so, is he objecting and why?

Things like compromising on tv .. do you mean on what you watch? Get another tv. Re the decor ... tell him how you want it. And then discuss.

He should not have some final say.

Original poster

Istillwantapuppy · 31/12/2021 16:19

No, it’s not what we watch, he’d never object to me watching anything. And we do have another TV. I mean in the sense that it is always on, or the radio is. Never just quiet.

We couldn’t get a puppy for a myriad of practical reasons but I would like pets. However he just isn’t keen on animals. I guess a lot of compromises are needed when living with someone.

OP posts:

HP79 · 31/12/2021 16:29

@Istillwantapuppy

I absolutely know where you're coming from with all of this. I was 35 when I met DH (he was almost 40). I'd lived alone in my own flat for 10 years, had lovingly decorated it to my exact taste and really enjoyed many aspects of living alone. After we met, I moved into his house (as it was larger than my flat) and it was tough-going for a while because I felt like I was squatting in someone else's house and felt I wasn't allowed to make any changes

I insisted we moved and bought somewhere together ASAP, which we did (we sold each of our own properties to do so). We renovated the house and decorated it from top to bottom and I had to make SO many compromises on the decor that really made me cross. Sadly, my DH likes everything beige/bland and I love colour/texture (think Ideal Home mag) and there was constant push and pull about that. So we've ended up with a house that's not really what I wanted and not really what he wanted either. I talk to my girlfriends about it and all of them say their DHs don't give a shit about decor and let them decorate however they like and I just get so jealous that my DH digs his heels in so much about it all the time.

With regard to time alone, I always worked from home 2 days a week, so for those 2 days I adored being on my own in the house and just having quiet time alone with my thoughts (and could eat what I wanted). Now we both WFH full-time and I feel like he is in my face ALL THE TIME. I'm an introvert and need time alone to recharge, but he takes that as a personal slight against him.

Cleanliness/tidiness was a definite issue. He was a bit of a minimalist clean-freak and I'm more untidy. I really had to up my game when I moved into his house and now I find that I do 80% of the cleaning/tidying, so I'm not sure how that's happened, but I definitely feel I'm not allowed to let these things slide.

Here we are about 7 years later and the push/pull is still there about many of these issues. They will never fully be resolved. I know in my heart that if we ever split up or DH died, I would never live with anyone else.

sunnyzweibrucken · 31/12/2021 16:50

I've never lived with a partner except for a few months when one moved in me when he loss his house. I was in about 40 and I always had a romanticized view of living with someone but when he moved in I realized i didn't particularly like it all that much.

Too much compromise, and I need lots of alone time. And not in separate rooms either, I mean I need the whole house to myself sometimes or I start getting irritable. I'm 50 now and I just can't imagine moving in with anyone. They would have to be my absolute other half otherwise we would probably end up apart again.

TheFoundation · 31/12/2021 17:02

@Istillwantapuppy

That's not healthy. Have you had a conversation with him about that?

Of course it's frustrating.

Some things in your OP are things you could simply ask him. Don't watch me whilst I'm getting dressed, can we have quiet rather than the TV/radio for a while this morning?

It sounds like he's innocent of the fact that these things are bothering you, and that's fair enough, because he's doing nothing wrong and you haven't told him. But just because he's not doing anything wrong, that doesn't mean you have to live exactly the way he wants to. You'll carry on feeling unheard if you don't speak...

NoSquirrels · 31/12/2021 17:08

I sympathise with everyone who says they need the whole house to themselves sometimes- and this “I'm an introvert and need time alone to recharge, but he takes that as a personal slight against him.” My DH loves company - it took him a while and some blunt conversations to get it.

When we were single it wasn’t an issue as much but once we had kids and you’re never bloody alone and then you need to pay more attention to an adult too, when your needs as an adult are diametrically opposed - it’s really hard.

But we got to a place where I just made him understand- I love you but I will love you much more, and be happier to spend time together - if you take these children AWAY for a chunk of hours.

OP, you have to insist. You have to spell it out. No “suggesting”. A firm diary commitment to 4 hours to yourself.

Part of your frustration is small child related too. There isn’t a ‘Christmas break’ (or any other season) when you’re a parent.

Original poster

Istillwantapuppy · 31/12/2021 17:17

@HP79 I feel a real sense of understanding!

I wouldn’t say I’m an introvert just because I don’t really define myself in such strict terms of description. I enjoy company but DP isn’t just company, he’s a sort of permanent fixture I don’t get any respite from!

And yes I could order him out while I get dressed but sounds rude and arsey.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 31/12/2021 22:06

One person’s ‘rude and arsey’ is another’s ‘assertive and direct’

billy1966 · 31/12/2021 22:27

OP,

He sounds a bit thick.

I am married a long time and cop on prevents my husband not realising that it is normal to enjoy a bit of alone time.

We sleep on the top floor of our house and both love to retreat to it.

Saturday mornings we sleep in and he brings me coffee in bed as I know he enjoys his peaceful potter downstairs when we are all in bed.

Very normal to enjoy some peace.

Tv or radio constantly going would drive me mad.

So I think you need to press the point of more alone time.

Does he do his share of childcare/house work?

If not, perhaps this isn't working for you?

As for @HP79, it sounds like you made a massive mistake.

billy1966 · 31/12/2021 22:29

Oh and again cop on would mean my husband would sit around watching me after a shower.

Can you not spell it out to him.

He sounds thick OP.

AskforJanice · 31/12/2021 22:33

Completely get what you are saying OP. I’ve had three live in relationships and never again. I love having my own space being able to decorate or buy things without considering another human. Luckily my current DP is on the and page and it works wonderfully for us. Friends and family constantly question the lack of progression. I honestly wouldn’t change a thing though, feel like I have the absolute best of both worlds and I like having the space to miss him. We don’t have DC together though so get it’s not as simple for you.

Pky45 · 31/12/2021 22:54

@billy1966

Oh and again cop on would mean my husband would sit around watching me after a shower.

Can you not spell it out to him.

He sounds thick OP.

He sounds thick

What a stupid rude and unhelpful comment

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread