Feeling let down by my mum and DP. How do you deal with those feelings?

[FlamingLama]

Sometimes I genuinely feel like there's no one I can rely on and I don't know what to do. When people let me down my brain says "just do it yourself, you can't trust them to do it" so I keep taking on more and more stuff.

I have a lovely DP, he is a funny and generous man and genuinely my best friend, but he can be extremely stubborn and has some traits that drive me mad. I don't think he's doing this stuff on purpose, he's just set in his ways and a bit oblivious to it all.
We've recently had a baby and despite me showing him how to do things/telling him to get me if he gets stuck, he constantly cuts corners and does stuff wrong.
i.e doesn't wash the baby bottles properly before putting them in the steriliser so when I come to make up a bottle there is still milk residue in the bottle or stuff all over the teats so I have to redo them.
He put the baby down in his cot tonight and rather than popper/zip him into his sleeping bag he has tried to wrap him up in it which was a sleeping hazard.
The dishes are never properly clean when he does them and there are times when he will put a load of washing on but only do his stuff!

When I pick him up on stuff he can be quite defensive and hurt so I just think to myself.....I'll do that job in future because i don't want to hurt his feelings, he is trying really hard. But I'm not sure how much more I can take on. I feel like I do most of the stuff in the house and compromise on sleep/showering/doing stuff for myself to keep up with it. Sometimes I'm too tired to shower. In general I feel knackered all the time. I don't know if I'm suffering from long covid but my energy levels are rubbish.

He's worked the whole of Christmas because the money was really good when I was looking forward to family time and a bit of a rest from the baby. We also have a stack of stuff to get done in the house which I now feel like if I want it done I just need to do it myself. The house is pretty overwhelming. It's way too small for us but I don't know where to start in sorting it. I know we need to drastically thin out our possessions but there is no space to sort through things and I get overfaced by it all. Its also really hard to keep on top of all the day to day chores when there's so much junk in the way. If I tackle the junk then I haven't got time for the dishes.
I got quotes earlier for self storage to box it all up just to get it out of the house so that I can sort through it in a clear space one box at a time but I don't know if that's a stupid idea.

We also need to reshuffle our bedrooms and I've explained we can not expect our teenager to share with a toddler (when the baby is bigger) but he's annoyed that we have to compromise on our space and share with the baby. I don't have a problem sharing with the baby for a few years until we can move somewhere bigger. We chose to have a baby, why should we inflict that on the teenager? But he doesn't agree.

Equally my mum expects a lot from me emotionally. She will frequently call me up when she's having a bad day to talk things through but when I ask her for favours she screams at me. I've repeatedly told her if she says no I will accept her answer and say no more (and I do that everytime she says no/screams) but her reaction is always the same.....if I ask her for something and she doesn't want to do it, she shouts at me. It hurts my feelings because she isn't like that with my siblings and they seem to get so much out of her. It's got to the point where I've taken a step back but I can feel myself becoming more and more isolated and withdrawn. I can't take the disappointment of being repeated let down so I just walk away. I feel really lonely.

Is it possible be deliberately cuts corners so that you end up doing things? Ge wouldn't be the first guy to do that.

As for your mum, she may be narcissistic or similar in nature (npd). You are her scapegoat child and your siblings are golden children. Hense why she treats you like shit. I would suggest either way that you distance yourself from her. And if she does scream at you, just hang up. Every time.

We accept the treatment we think we deserve.
Amd you do nit deserve to be used and abused.

Tell hubby you need him to step his shit up. And then step back. He does it and foes it correctly or it doesn't get done (with whatever you need him to do). If he doesn't do it then stop doing any of his stuff (no more if his laundry, no more cooking for him ect...).

Firstly, don't answer your mum's calls, she's a user and can get stuffed!
Happy to talk about her crap life to you but can't do you a favour that she will happily do for her other kids.
Don't waste any energy on her.

Your husband is disgusting too.
He's purposely doing the housework like crap so he can get out of it totally.

If your teenager is a boy ask your husband to share a room with him.

If a girl, she stays in a room on her own.

If your husband doesn't want the baby with him and you in the bedroom, he can convert one of the downstairs rooms as a bedroom.
Do you really want to be with him after this?
What was he like with the older now teenaged child?

Forget storage, I don't know your finances, but if your husband has to work Christmas I'm guessing it's some kind of blue collar / labour / driver / warehouse work - you can't be a high income or low to high income household, don't waste money on storage.
Apologies, I know I've made massive assumption.

Get a big shed, bottom of garden, put your stuff in there, bet most of the junk is his, is it?

Don't wash or dry his clothes.
Just do yours and baby.

Teenager can do her own stuff.

FlamingLama Congratulations on your new baby.

It's 100% wrong for your dp to do stuff like wrap baby in a sleep suit instead of putting it on properly and he does need to know that that kind of thing could be dangerous.

in your shoes I'd make distinctions between jobs that could be done half arsedly - hoovering etc and jobs that really need to have attention paid to them.

Please spend your time making some genuine friends who will support and care for you.

May I ask how long you and your partner have been together? Is he your teenagers dad too?

This is going to sound a bit heartless but I would let your mum get on with it, let your siblings help her out and focus on your own family.

It's usually better for a baby to sleep in with parents for the first few months if not a year.

Can you manage the household jobs so that you do the things that matter to you and let him do the stuff that is less important to you.

I really hope you will manage to thin out your stuff and get through the clutter. I do know what feels like to have too much stuff. I watch those hoarding programmes to inspire me!

"Sometimes I'm too tired to shower. In general I feel knackered all the time. I don't know if I'm suffering from long covid but my energy levels are rubbish."

In your shoes I would talk to your GP.

It sounds like your DP works hard, and you do really love him - so maybe you both just need to find a way to work the jobs out.

Look to move to a bigger home.
Rental or own home?
Married or not?

Jobs around the house? If he's really kind and generous as you say, then he can give you the money to pay for a handy man.

He's not kind and generous by the way.
Can't even wash his own kid's bottles properly - lowlife.

I don't think he's cutting corners on purpose....he always wants to do things as quickly as possible and when I point out the stuff is still dirty he denies it until I show him. Like I rinse glasses out with clean water so they don't go all smeary. When he does them you often find food remnants or they're cloudy. I don't even have very high standards. I dream of living in a house that is tidy. It really does get to me.
He has a colossal amount of stuff, mainly shoes and clothes. He loves shopping too so there seems to be a constant stream of parcels arriving. As fast as I get rid of stuff he buys more. I really struggle to get rid of things, I always think I could sell stuff and make money from it which would be really useful whilst I'm on mat leave but I don't seem to be able to get organised enough to do it. I feel like hiring a skip and binning everything but then I get really anxious about the environment impact (I know it sounds ridiculous buy my brain is a strange place)
The cost of the storage would be within our budget, dp earns a pretty decent wage.

He was really lovely this morning before he went to work and I think he'd be gutted if he read this and saw the comments. He does care I just think he doesn't see stuff like the mess and chaos and can ignore it more. I'm stuck in with it, day in, day out and it grinds me down..I don't feel I can invite people in for a coffee because its such a state. I'm embarrassed. My sister makes little digs every time she.comes over which makes me feel worse.

I.think I need to work on my communication skills. I hate confrontation and arguing so I avoid it at all.costs but it's obviously not working and I need dp to pick up the slack.

Oh op.
How are you still standing, you're a miracle! Before you're out of bed you're already five steps back, no wonder you feel frazzled and overwhelmed.
One 'easy" thing you could improve is your mum. She is leaning on you but it's one way and the cost of trying to make it more two way is emotional punishment. That isn't reasonable never mind kind. Loving mums don't do that. Make a decision that you'll answer the phone to her once in a day only and twice a week only (pick the days) then that little part of your brain that's waiting for the phone to ring and tenses when it dies, can relax. She might not like it but as another pp said, if she shouts hang up. If she treats you like that having her call answered twice a week is still more than she deserves and she has other offspring she can turn too if desperate.

Meanwhile, your dh, not many people are entirely useless or horrible but he afforestation to have the equivalent of selective hearing in the competence area. Would his approach be tolerated at work? Likely not so more likely he's being slack cos he wants it over and done with (not mean enough to refuse to help at all) and knows you'll mop up after him if it matters. He isn't being malicious, probably not even a conscious strategy, but not much use to you nonetheless.

I think since he doesn't see himself that way, rather than tackle it head on (Christ you're already on your knees) rope in some help, try these people :

www.home-start.org.uk/Pages/Category/things-we-can-help-with

Maybe, an 3rd party validating that your wish things be done to the standard of a competent adult will make him up his game, he needs to, his methods are that of a teenager who is doing the job under sufferance.

The tragedy is that the weight of your issues are entirely removable but the people around you are making it worse, the constant acquisition of things when you're bursting at the seams already, your selfish mother etc etc. And while you're fighting it all how are you supposed to push for change?!
The only way is with help or get the source of the issues to see what you see.
Your mum won't, so you need to dial her down from your end.
Your dh might, you say he's a kind person, you need to tell him if something doesn't improve you'll break. Your difficulty in not wanting a slip due to environmental worries for instance, they are valid, but the fact you couldn't reduce the focus of your worries is the result of a fraught and stressed mind. When life isn't on top of you unwanted worries can be kept in perspective.
Perhaps you could chat to your teen and organise a clear out with their help. Would they be able to do that? Take stuff to charity for a clearer conscience?

There are so many things that you could do to tackle this, but many involve finding more time (Ha! Hollow laughter) I think you need to pick a few that involve getting help, like that charity (you tell them what you need, so if that's a friendly adult who can chat to the baby while you fill a box of crap once a week it could be that) or ditching something that's eating your time or weighing you down (your mum does both!!)

Have courage, you dislike confrontation, but your strength can only grow if these things improve. Be like a hot air balloon and shed the ballast!

You're living with a disorganised and defensive hoarder. If he won't acknowledge there's a problem then it will just get worse as he gets older

Are you sure he's neuro typical? ADHD traits include clutter/disorganisation and poor attention to detail in some things (though absolute focus in others)

What does he do for work? Is he slapdash there too

Do you really want to be with him after this?
Well, that didn't take long - chuck out the baby with the bath water!

I'm not going to leave him, he's the father of my child and is a good person. I am pretty sure with some hard work on both sides we can improve things, I just need to find a way to balance my own load better and to delegate to him with clear instructions of my expectations. That's the part I'm not very good at. I was in an abusive relationship before and I get scared to say certain things because they would have triggered my ex.....dp is nothing like him but my brain is in protective mode.

There's been a huge pile of clean washing on our chest of drawers for weeks so I've just tackled that and put away only my clothes and left dps in a neat pile on his side of the bed. I think things like that are the way forward in getting him to do more and getting this off my chest has given me a kick up the bum to do something instead of feeling sorry for myself.

Screw your mum, she's just a source of stress so cut her out for now. Don't answer her calls, text "just so busy, speak soon!" If she texts you; entirely disengage from her. She is a drain and you don't need that right now. In the future when you have more time, maybe read Susan Forward's book Toxic Parents.

Do not take on any more of the household jobs. Babies only add one very small person to the house but add 10x the work, it's not fair that you are lumbered with all this, it's too much for one person.

Instead of you rewashing the bottles you need to make it your DP's problem.
Currently he does a half arsed job, it takes him 2 minutes and it's done. He doesn't care if it's done sloppily because he's not the one who has to fix it; so make him fix it. Every time you go to get a bottle out of the steriliser and it's dirty tell your DP he needs to rewash it. After him having to repeat the job multiple times he'll eventually start doing it right the first time because that'll be easier for him than rewashing. Currently it's easier for him to do a sloppy job because you are doing the rewashing.

If he washes a load of laundry but it's only his stuff and none of yours ask him WTF he was thinking. That's entirely selfish behaviour.

He needs to step up here and stop drowning you in junk and half done jobs. Are you a team or are you his nanny and housekeeper?

Sadly this is the point where men start to feel sorry for themselves because 'the wife keeps nagging' them, but it's because they're accustomed to being lazy and their wife picking up the slack. With a baby in the mix it's all hands on deck and a woman can't carry any extra slackers anymore.

When I pick him up on stuff he can be quite defensive and hurt so I just think to myself.....I'll do that job in future because i don't want to hurt his feelings, he is trying really hard. But I'm not sure how much more I can take on. I feel like I do most of the stuff in the house and compromise on sleep/showering/doing stuff for myself to keep up with it. Sometimes I'm too tired to shower. In general I feel knackered all the time. I don't know if I'm suffering from long covid but my energy levels are rubbish.

Hurt? How old is he? 12? Is he the father of the teen, btw?
Why is he spending loads of money on clothes and shoes? Again, is he 12? Where is he going to wear all the stuff?

I think you need to sit down with him, when the teen isn't around and hopefully the baby is asleep and calmly explain what you've said on here and how it is impacting you. If he isn't prepared to listen or come up with a plan, then he isn't the great bloke you think he is. Frankly I think he's lazy and thoughtless and they're not good traits. I can't bear people who do half-arsed jobs. I bet he doesn't do that at work.

As to your mother - distance yourself. Try not to ask her for anything and don't be available when she wants something. She is not a benefit to your life.

Clutter - I could go on for a while but suggest you post on the Housekeeping board. You will get loads of advice as to where to start. Or look at the Organised Mum method www.theorganisedmum.blog/ It transformed one of my DD's life.

Good luck

A compulsive shopper? Hoarding tendencies? Clumsy? I’m thinking maybe ASD of some kind …

And on top of that a “screaming” mother .

What do you want to happen, OP?

@SofaSquirrel

A compulsive shopper? Hoarding tendencies? Clumsy? I’m thinking maybe ASD of some kind …

And on top of that a “screaming” mother .

What do you want to happen, OP?

You know, sometimes, an Arse is just an Arse...

Maybe. Sometimes it helps to consider a bugger picture. Sometimes not.

bigger picture!

@SofaSquirrel

A compulsive shopper? Hoarding tendencies? Clumsy? I’m thinking maybe ASD of some kind …

And on top of that a “screaming” mother .

What do you want to happen, OP?

Well, don't think 'ASD of some kind.' For once, try not blaming autistic/adhd people for whatever is wrong in people's tiny lives. Why not do some research on all the inventions, discoveries and improvements that have happened because of ASD people?

I potentially have adhd so even if he did I wouldn't allow him to ride on that as an excuse. Equally I feel like I'm a pretty proactive person and I'm.good at finding solutions to things. If he was struggling he knows all he has to do is say and I'd help him figure something out.

He's pissed me off massively this morning. Baby woke crying for a feed so he got up for a wee and took himself downstairs to continue sleeping on the sofa leaving me to deal with it.
Had he said "I've had a crap nights sleep, do you mind doing this feed if I get a bit more sleep" I would have been fine, but it's the expectation that I'll just do it. I struggle to get to sleep at night so it was gone 3 by the time I dropped off last night.
I should add I've gained A LOT of weight since giving birth and my snoring is a real problem but the teenager was at a sleep over so at any point last night if I was disturbing him, he could have slept in the room next door or asked me to.

I'm going to have a very frank conversation with him later on. I'm livid and just disappointed at the lack of respect and consideration for my needs and wants.

@FlamingLama

I don't think he's cutting corners on purpose....he always wants to do things as quickly as possible and when I point out the stuff is still dirty he denies it until I show him. Like I rinse glasses out with clean water so they don't go all smeary. When he does them you often find food remnants or they're cloudy. I don't even have very high standards. I dream of living in a house that is tidy. It really does get to me. He has a colossal amount of stuff, mainly shoes and clothes. He loves shopping too so there seems to be a constant stream of parcels arriving. As fast as I get rid of stuff he buys more. I really struggle to get rid of things, I always think I could sell stuff and make money from it which would be really useful whilst I'm on mat leave but I don't seem to be able to get organised enough to do it. I feel like hiring a skip and binning everything but then I get really anxious about the environment impact (I know it sounds ridiculous buy my brain is a strange place) The cost of the storage would be within our budget, dp earns a pretty decent wage.

He was really lovely this morning before he went to work and I think he'd be gutted if he read this and saw the comments. He does care I just think he doesn't see stuff like the mess and chaos and can ignore it more. I'm stuck in with it, day in, day out and it grinds me down..I don't feel I can invite people in for a coffee because its such a state. I'm embarrassed. My sister makes little digs every time she.comes over which makes me feel worse.

I.think I need to work on my communication skills. I hate confrontation and arguing so I avoid it at all.costs but it's obviously not working and I need dp to pick up the slack.

Okay so what you do is take him over to the stuff show him the dirt and make him reclean. Every. Single. Time.

It sounds painful and patronising and annoying.
It is. That's the point.
When he says this to me, I say I know I hate this too. It's annoying for me too. I don't want to do this but you are making me... it is wasting my time and yours.

The shortcut is easier for him, if he has to stop what he is doing, get up, go across the house and redo it... again...he will learn the short cut is crap and the proper way is easiest.

I do this with my DH he hates it... so do I ...but his cleaning has significantly improved and I am a results based person.

I potentially have adhd so even if he did I wouldn't allow him to ride on that as an excuse.

Would you say this rubbish to people with other disabilities? Disability mean unable and if your husband is unable to pay attention punishing him for this won't change the situation.

I have ADHD and leaving the bottles part washed, safety at bedtime (when I was knackered) etc were all things I struggled with and my husband had to take on more of these duties as he was able to cope. Things only changed for us when I was officially diagnosed and started medication. As my disability is being treated I can now do these things with greater ease as:

1. The medication enables me to concentrate for sustained periods
2. I'm not exhausted from battling through every day with a severe disability and very little help

He doesn’t sound like much of a partner

@HMG107 you're missing my point. If he was struggling with those things and told me then I would do them happily.....but I can't do everything. I explained to him yesterday that he must put the baby to bed properly and in his sleeping bag properly because it's a suffocation risk....so he did it properly last night.

Didn't you and your h talk about where the baby would sleep when you were pg?

Sounds like strategic incompetence - your h is pretending he can't do things so you have to do it all.

How big is your house? Why do Much junk? Whose is the junk?

And your mum. Distance yourself. Pull her up each time she shouts at you. Hang up. Be less available.

And spend time with people who make toy feel better about yourself.

i.e doesn't wash the baby bottles properly before putting them in the steriliser so when I come to make up a bottle there is still milk residue in the bottle or stuff all over the teats so I have to redo them.
He put the baby down in his cot tonight and rather than popper/zip him into his sleeping bag he has tried to wrap him up in it which was a sleeping hazard.
The dishes are never properly clean when he does them and there are times when he will put a load of washing on but only do his stuff!

He's doing a job quickly and then you're doing the rest of it. He's effectively pushing his work onto you because he knows you'll sort it out. So... stop. He does a half-assed job, he also needs to take on any consequences / extra work that makes.

The bottles aren't clean? He re-does them until they are.
The dishes aren't clean? As above.
He's only done his laundry? Was he supposed to do yours as well? In which case he needs to do yours/baby's also.

The wrapping/sleeping bag one is where I would step in if you feel his way is actually dangerous. But if it's just different (we used to swaddle, it was fine... but things may have changed?), try and let it go.

What he really needs is some shared parental leave while you go back to work. That way he'd have to step up, do all the overnights, and he'd also be the one at home in the crowded house all day while you were out. Any chance he could take the last 3(?) mths of mat leave?

Would counselling help? Help you to work out your roles together? Is he assuming you will do everything with baby? Is this his first baby? It's not clear if the teenager is his.

If he dies have a shopping or hoarding problem he needs to address it with help.

Please do not just throw out his stuff. He may just replace it. And it won't address the problem.

Does not dies