my absolute dick of a DH has left , I'm overwhelmed with just about everything

[cantseeforlooking]

As the title says really ,

I am glad he is gone , I am looking forward to a peaceful life ,it's what I've been dreaming about

But I'm so overwhelmed with it all , I can see the life I had and I don't want it , I can see the life I'm going to have but I can't see how I can get from there to there without cracking up .

I've spent all day crying ,

I know this will get better but i feel like im grieving , not for him but for the life I thought I should have . Im also (which I know is ridiculous) really feeling the need to know why he has done what he has done , there is no answer to that as he doesn't think he's done much wrong , it just feels unfair .

Tell me to a grip will ya ?

However much of a dick he was, his absence will leave a space which you'll notice - like a large, ugly piece of furniture you've got rid of but still move to step around.

You'll have been giving a lot of headspace to coping with him and now you no longer have to, it will take you time to adjust.

By all means grieve for the life together that never materialised. You need to do this so you can let it go.

You'll soon be over it and able to focus on building your new life, free of the dead weight of your ex.

So you have two issues that I can see. Firstly, your life trajectory has changed. Any change is disconcerting. This will pass and you know that. Just got to work through it day-by-day and it will get easier.

Secondly, you're seeking answers and you realise you are unlikely to ever get them. This can add to your unease.

Focus on that peace that you were dreaming about. The overwhelming feelings will pass as you know.

This is a massive trauma, OP. You can't expect to know the answers, or what direction things will take. Right now, you probably don't even know which way is up.

Try to be patient with yourself and take things slowly. Just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. Focus on small daily details rather than major plans, e.g. lining up something like a nice breakfast for yourself tomorrow, something you'll look forward to getting out of bed to eat. Tempt yourself back into enjoying little things like that, and try creating some healthy habits. Good luck! x

I'm not going to tell you to get a grip tonight. This has just happened. Tonight you need to carry on crying, scream, be excited and let all those emotions flood out.

Tomorrow is the day to begin looking at options. You really will get there, promise. It feels like a mountain right now, but one step at a time takes you along the path you need to walk.

All the best...and you've got this.

I know I will be ok and it is absolutely the right decision to end this joke of a marriage .

I'm sad about knowing that at some point he will need to come back here and pack his things and he just gets to walk away into a brilliant new life without caring about the damage he caused . But the quicker he gets his stuff and buggers off , the better it will be for me to start healing .

I can't stay in this house long term as it's a rental and I can't afford it alone , it a huge house with a tonne of furniture , what do I do with it all as the most I can afford is a 2 bed flat somewhere, and then I'm mad at myself because a little cosy 2 bed flat is exactly what I want .

It's like my thoughts are arguing with themselves and I'm driving myself mad

You can't solve it all at once OP. you need to take s breath and take it one step at s time. What's the very first thing you need to do? Write a list, in any order . Then read it back and see what the first step is. Break it down into manageable chunks. It's too overwhelming to try and think about it all in one go.

The hardest part is already behind you.

The main thing to remember is not to beat yourself up about the way you are feeling. All your feelings are completely logical and need to be worked through, so let it happen. Underneath it all you sound like your head is screwed on straight so you will be fine. When you have irrational thoughts about the furniture, you can challenge those thoughts by thinking about the pieces of furniture you would like in your cosy new place - and if you don't want any of it, that's fine too.

You will get from where you are now to your new and brilliant life. And if you need to cry, scream, swear and vent on here, do it.

As far as the furniture is concerned....
Divide into things you want to keep and things that you may be able to sell. Donate the rest, e.g. British Heart Foundation or via Freecycle or Nextdoor.

@cantseeforlooking

I know I will be ok and it is absolutely the right decision to end this joke of a marriage .

I'm sad about knowing that at some point he will need to come back here and pack his things and he just gets to walk away into a brilliant new life without caring about the damage he caused . But the quicker he gets his stuff and buggers off , the better it will be for me to start healing .

I can't stay in this house long term as it's a rental and I can't afford it alone , it a huge house with a tonne of furniture , what do I do with it all as the most I can afford is a 2 bed flat somewhere, and then I'm mad at myself because a little cosy 2 bed flat is exactly what I want .

It's like my thoughts are arguing with themselves and I'm driving myself mad

The thing that I couldn't get away from in the early days was how we would split the books. We had 5 tall Billy bookcases full. 2 rows of books on most shelves.

I just couldn't get my head around how that would work. I really couldn't. I could sort the kids, the money, the furniture, the finances but those books bugged me for months.

I got there in the end. As will you. One step at a time.

I am hoping that today has been my bad day . It didn't help that I didn't plan anything so I've had no reason to give my head a wobble and get on with it .

I have arranged to meet the DC's tomorrow to go shopping so I won't have time for this stupidness .

I'm just a bit sad , it's been a rubbish Christmas. I'm sporting a fat lip still curtesy of him and there is still 1 tiny percent of me that is saying "it wasn't so bad " honestly , I give up with myself !!

Thanks everyone , I am reading and listening (something I should have done a longtime ago )

@Jumpking

I hear you .

Mine is will he want the kettle or toaster !
It's £30 max to replace both of them even if he does , it driving me mad .

What I should be worrying about is that he has taken the car and I now don't have one and my job is field based , I don't appear to be able to be bothered about that though !

Have you reported him for the violence?
That might make all the decisions easier about who gets what as he could be in jail.

Stay strong
Sod the kettle
Get that lovely flat

Do the DC know what he is like?

Aaaw mate sorry you’re having a shite day

It’s ok to cry over what could have been
What you’ve been through
What you expected
What you ended up with
Frustration!

You’ll look back at 2021 and think thank fuck that’s all over with. Its nearly a whole new year

Friend and family to support you ( hopefully)
And in the meantime, look up what financial support is available to uou :things might have changed since /if you’ve applied before
hugs

[quote cantseeforlooking]@Jumpking

I hear you .

Mine is will he want the kettle or toaster !
It's £30 max to replace both of them even if he does , it driving me mad .

What I should be worrying about is that he has taken the car and I now don't have one and my job is field based , I don't appear to be able to be bothered about that though ![/quote]
Fuck him

Take both the kettle and toaster.

You'll sort the car problem tomorrow I'm sure, as that's one that needs sorting quickly.

It's just going into the unknown op...like when you leave a crap job because you have got a better one. Give yourself time and if he gave you a fat lip then thank your lucky starts you never have to suffer that again. What a pig.

Have his stuff bagged up and outside the door to collect.

If he asks for the kettle and toaster, say no, slam door, and lock.

You owe him NOTHING.

To answer a few Q's

No I haven't reported him for the violence, he would just counter claim the tiny scratch on his face was what I did , I did do it , but only because I was took off my feet and grabbed out , he didn't slap me more held me down with his arm across my mouth and them claimed I bit him as he had teeth marks on his arm

The DC's know , they know much more than I thought , which is why there is no going back .

I have some real life support but it's Xmas and everyone is busy doing their own family thing so I don't want to harass them too much .

I've had a bath a baileys and new pj's so I am little more relaxed than earlier .

He is a walking cliche in regards to everything you read on here , I just wish I'd had the strength to walk away when I saw it the first time .

The thing is, you're ready now. Your vision is clear, you're going to do it. It all feels huge and intimidating now but take it from me, life without an abusive man in it is so unbelievably better.

Two days ago it was the third anniversary of the day my alcoholic husband got incredibly drunk and threatened to kill me. For context we were divorcing and he was only in the house because he had promised not to drink after his second stint in rehab. How naive was I?

The police came (they were brilliant) and took him away, making it very clear that I didn't have to let him move back in. So I didn't. I told him he could pack a case with essentials but that he was no longer living here and if he objected, the police would be coming again. He left.

Two days after that, my DD1 was having a shower. She was 16 at the time and I heard her singing - all out, loving it. She hadn't done that in two years. I cried my eyes out.

The realisation that you are free of an abuser is huge.

Get a gorgeous new kettle and toaster, matched set. And some new tea towels to go with. They'll be worth more than him!

Cozy little 2 bed flat mmmmmmm bloody lovely. You'll get there, love.

I'd take a few days if you can spare them to just feel everything. I'd write down your thoughts too not only to get them out of your head but also to remind you of this period should he come skulking back.

When I left (not the same I know), I powered straight through and ignored all the pain. I kept going for years until it all caught up with me and probably much stronger than if I had sat down with all these feelings and acknowledged how painful it was at the time. I'd run from it in the relationship and out of it.

If you can spare the Money it might be worth finding therapy or even a regular catch up with a friend. There's something really containing about having an hour of week that is designated to processing. You don't have to think all the time because there's a space for you to do that. You can write it down and pick it up later.

OP, I hope you are OK.

Get up, give your head a wobble and get busy and active with something.

You are well rid . 2022 is your year, March right in with your head held high snd your sights set on freedom.

That’s what getting a grip entails

The most important thing to get rid of has walked out the door.

His "brilliant" new life? He's still him sounds like there is nothing "brilliant" about him.

The life you should have is there regardless of what furniture you have and in what abode.

So you need a car and an affordable rental.

Email some estate agents to get on their books.

Put out feelers for a second hand car, people sell cars they can't insure their soon to be driving kids on etc.

Take stick of your furniture, what do you want to keep/need, rest can either go with him or be sold.

You can always heat water on the stove, grill toast. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Think of a front door he can't come through.

It will be ok.
Make 2022 and beyond better than 2021.

I echo pp suggestion that you make a list. Get a warm drink and make yourself comfortable and just write. No particular order. From the big stuff (find somewhere to live) to the small stuff (who gets the kettle). Just dump it all down. And when new worries come in to your head, at any time of day or night, add them to the bottom of the list.

Then look at priorities. What do you have to resolve, or at least set in motion, quickly? Don't look at the whole list. Just look at the next priority. When you're not feeling so strong, put the list down for a bit, or pick off a couple of easier or more pleasant jobs, so you still have the satisfaciton of crossing a job off the list.

You have done the hardest bit (you're rid of him) - the rest will all come in time.

I would really encourage you to report him for the violence. It's what he deserves. At the very least take some photos asap if you haven't already, before the marks start to fade.

With every day that passes, with every small step or decision you take, every bit of distance that you put between you and your abuser, you will become stronger, and closer to your cosy, safe new life.

My very best wishes to you.

He sent me some pics of his new place ,

On the counter top was a kettle and a toaster so that's one less worry looks like a holiday cottage that is being let out month by month so has everything included . It is lovely and everything I've every dreamed of but still not enough to make me want to ever go there , my life here still feels more right even with all the worries I've got .

I'm at home tonight , just me and my DC's and it's feel right and OK and manageable .

I know there are going to be more bad days but for tonight I am ok . I'm paid up to the middle of jan in this house so I've got time , I can stretch to another month if needs be so I'm feeling more settled .

I go back to the office on Tuesday so once I have my work crew round me cheering me on and keeping me going I know I will be much better

Thank you everyone , You are keeping me going