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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just don't know what is wrong

34 replies

Lonely43 · 30/12/2021 17:59

My DP is ignoring me. I don't know why and I don't know if it is something I have said or done or if it's something else. Things were good and it's like a different person woke up the next day. I'm questioning myself and what I may have done to upset him but I can't come up with anything. I'm so upset. I have two children with him and all is good with them but it seems to be me that is the problem. I try so hard to make him happy and we had a fun and happy Christmas but something isn't right now
We live away from family so I can't escape to visit anyone and get some space

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/12/2021 18:00

Have you asked him what's wrong with him?

Has he done this before?

Babyvenusplant · 30/12/2021 18:08

Does he usually give you the silent treatment or is this out of character for him?

Fireflygal · 30/12/2021 18:12

Stonewalling is abusive behaviour. It's designed to punish you and make you feel uncomfortable in your own house.

It's horrible behaviour and you don't deserve the silent treatment. A grown up discusses issues instead of sulking.

Northerngirl43 · 30/12/2021 18:27

I have asked him and all I get back is there is nothing wrong. I make the effort to say something. If not then there would be nothing

Northerngirl43 · 30/12/2021 18:27

It has happened before but not for a long while

Northerngirl43 · 30/12/2021 18:30

There is just something in my gut that there is someone else. I don't know if its just my mind playing tricks on me, thinking the worst

loopyrose · 30/12/2021 18:31

How long has he been doing this?

Northerngirl43 · 30/12/2021 18:33

We have been together for 6 years and have had our fair share of problems in the past but nothing too major. Just a few teething problems as our relationship moved quickly. But I believed we were made for eachother and had similar personalities and humour

elelel · 30/12/2021 18:34

I try so hard to make him happy

And when he isn't he punishes you with silence. This is abuse.

Northerngirl43 · 30/12/2021 18:34

It's been a couple of days of being like this

girlmom21 · 30/12/2021 18:35

@Northerngirl43

It has happened before but not for a long while
Do you remember the reason last time?
Yummypumpkin · 30/12/2021 18:38

Have you told him that is behaviour is childish and unreasonable? And that you will need an apology and explanation before you will engage with him again?

I wouldn't say anything to him other than this.

Pinkbonbon · 30/12/2021 18:41

Sounds like the cycle of abuse really. One day you're really happy and then they feel the need to whip the carpet out from under you. Because you're not allowed to be happy for long or feel secure.

The silent treatment is designed to make you feel like you have done something wrong. Whixh will make you feel insecure (making them feel in control). And so that you will start jumping through hoops trying to treat them well. Because in the end, only their needs and desires matter to them.

Also, by looking inwards and trying to change you, you will be less likely to focus on what they are up to.

Also, if your gut is telling you there is another woman...much more likely than not, you are right.

TheFoundation · 30/12/2021 18:42

This is him being unhealthy, emotionally.

You can choose whether or not to be healthy emotionally for yourself. You're choosing the dangerous path of questioning yourself, currently, which is, at it's root, 'He's behaving unpredictably and unpleasantly, perhaps it's my fault.'

The healthy route is 'Do I want to accept unpredictable and unpleasant behaviour from my partner, and if not, what am I going to do about my situation, given that my partner is behaving unpredictably and unpleasantly.'

Work out what your boundaries are. Work out what the consequences are. Tell him, calmly. Follow through. But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for his behaviour. After all, even if you'd done something really bad, a healthy partner wouldn't just ignore you for long periods; they'd talk to you, with a view to reaching a compromise.

Northerngirl43 · 30/12/2021 18:58

It's just upsetting that it's happened again after a few years. Last time was just after an argument and I'm a talker but he isn't.

Northerngirl43 · 30/12/2021 18:58

This time is just out of the blue

Yummypumpkin · 30/12/2021 19:01

You've seemingly ignored some very good advice from @TheFoundation

I am not remotely interested in guessing what is going on in his head.

I'm interested in encouraging you to distance yourself from his bad behaviour and hold him accountable for it.

Northerngirl43 · 30/12/2021 19:07

@Yummypumpkin I just saw their reply and deep down I know they are right. I need to look after myself

thickthighs73 · 30/12/2021 19:09

@Lonely43

I try hard to make him happy

That sentence is so sad to read Sad

TheFoundation · 30/12/2021 19:12

@Northerngirl43

It's just upsetting that it's happened again after a few years. Last time was just after an argument and I'm a talker but he isn't.
Of course it's upsetting. He is choosing to behave in a way that he knows will upset you, despite the fact that there are numerous other options available to him even if you have unwittingly, done something that's hurt him. Nobody would question whether or not his behaviour is upsetting.

The question is, what are you going to do about it. It's not his job in life to make you happy. It is your job in life to find people who do make you happy. You need to look at a bigger picture than 'This hurts, maybe I did something wrong that I can fix?' You need to look at the dynamic, the pattern. Do you want a partner who treats you this way? Who might treat you this way at any given moment for any, non-specified amount of time?

Northerngirl43 · 30/12/2021 19:14

@thickthighs73 I see how that looks. I suppose I mean that I try to be a good person to who I love but I think I do try too hard sometimes

TheFoundation · 30/12/2021 19:21

You don't have to try to be a good person. You naturally are a good person. Find people you don't have to prove yourself to. Otherwise life's very hard work.

I used to be where you are. Suddenly one day I realised that there was nothing wrong with me. Lots of people appreciated me and enjoyed my company. A major revelation was 'The only thing I need to change about myself is my partner!' It wasn't easy leaving, but the difference it made to my life, in realising that I could filter who I spent my time with, so that I never spent time with people who made me feel rubbish... well, it was a revelation. I chucked a few friends, too. Barely concern myself with self doubt anymore. Healthy relationships don't bring it on.

Don't change your emotions, change your people.

Northerngirl43 · 30/12/2021 19:22

@TheFoundation thank you
You speak with so much wisdom and helpful words.
We live up in the North and my family are in the south and Cornwall.
I think maybe I need to take a break down there in the next school holidays and just spend some time to find myself.

Gooders1105 · 30/12/2021 19:28

I’ve been there. I spent so long trying to make my husband happy. It wasn’t reciprocated. As others have said, it’s your job to make YOU happy. His job to make himself happy. I lost myself. Connect with old friends and work on working out what brings you joy. Then prioritise those things. A supportive partner would want those things for you too. If they don’t, lose that partner.
I did and I have so much joy now. I’m wading in it 🤣

thickthighs73 · 30/12/2021 19:43

[quote Northerngirl43]@thickthighs73 I see how that looks. I suppose I mean that I try to be a good person to who I love but I think I do try too hard sometimes[/quote]
You are a good person, sometimes you have to be a bit selfish though and think of yourself (that’s not a dig by the way)

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