Help, I've done it

[Itstheend]

I posted about this before and also under the name Badrowtonight.

Long relationship with DP and his drinking has always caused problems. I could give so many examples. I've stuck it out because the sober and not-being-a-selfish twat side of him is just right for me. But that man is only here sometimes.

I've wavered over ending it for years. Today was the last straw. He went out for milk at 12.30 and returned at 5 after another little pub crawl.
I asked him this week that if he's going out drinking, fine, but tell me so I don't waste yet another day of my life hoping he'll come home and we could do something together.
He said he didn't rember saying that (he seemed to be finding the whole thing amusing when he got home). I said it was a shitty way to treat me even if he didn't remember and he quietly agreed.

Then I did it. I told him we were over and he needs to move out. He just shrugged and went upstairs.

I'm numb. This isn't what I really want, but I can't have the relationship I want with him either, I know that. I think he loves me. He loves drink more. I'm so sad that it has come to this. I have tried talking to him so many times. It never works. My heart is breaking that he has knowingly thrown away something that should have been so good.

I'm scared that it's really happening. I don't want this to end, but I can't continue any more. I'm lonely now but I'll be lonelier, I don't make real friends, I've only really got 1 and she isn't local. I'm 55. When we retire we would have just scraped by together OK and, but on my own I'm facing poverty when I stop working . Fucking hell. What am I doing? Why can't he accept he has a problem and do something about it.

Sorry this is a long waffle on. I don't know what I'm asking here. This is awful.

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'm a similar age and in a similar situation. I have no solutions I'm sorry. Can you join a meetup group to make friends, maybe join a group doing something you love, like walking, crafting etc? I know it's easier said than done

Good for you OP, you have done the right thing. Future fear is no reason to stay in a relationship where you are not valued, stick to your guns and let him know the reasons why the relationship has ended.
The shock of you ending the relationship might trigger him to actually address his issues, but if it doesn’t, see this as an opportunity to live the life you want want. Join social clubs, gym , sign up to friendship sites, get out and meet people. Honesty, it a big world, don’t let life pass you by.

I just want to make sure I understand.

You have said it is over. He doesn't seem to think you mean it.

You don't really want it to be over. You want him to stop drinking (completely?). If he stopped drinking would that be enough or are there other issues?

Drink causes all our big issues. Here have other little niggles like any couple, but we can approach them with tolerance and humour, so they wouldn't end our relationship. He will never stop drinking, I know that. It's not even the drinking I really object to, it's the shitty selfishness that goes with it. It's always his priority.

OP I'm so sorry, for you to have actually voiced this decision, despite all your fears for a future without him, means that at a deep level you have finally understood that you really have no choice. This is no way to live.

I'm lonely now but I'll be lonelier
Please don't let your already painful situation be darkened further by beliefs such as this. In my experience there is NOTHING lonelier than being with the wrong person. And without him occupying centre stage of your life, there are endless opportunities for you to expand in new directions. You really have no idea where life might take you.

Well done for taking this immensely brave step, and I hope 2022 is a year when you start taking little baby steps, one at a time, in the direction of a brighter future.

Thanks for the kind messages.

I'm so sad, he knew I was at the end of my tether with this, but either didn't think I'd do it, or doesn't care if I do.

I've said similar before - it's resulted in a shot term improvement, then back to usual. It's probably why he may not be taking it seriously. But I've never said it quite like this before.

I'm not really convinced myself that we won't just pretend it wasn't said. I kinda want to do that, I kinda don't. It would mean an improvement, but it won't last, and I'll end up back here yet again.

I suppose I want a cast iron guarantee I won't regret it. No such thing, is there. I'm not feeling brave about starting again but I can't stand to live like this.

I sensed this from your first message.

Would it help to set yourself a date in the future to work towards ending it.

Endings things during a row can lead to second guessing and be quite traumatic.

You could spend a few months getting used to your decision, building relationships outside the marriage and planning practically for a new life.

You have been in a relationship with an alcoholic and those usually go one way - downwards.

By the way did you also see a heavy drinking parent ad a child?.

You have done the right thing here in ending it with your alcoholic partner. His primary relationship is with drink and not you and really it’s never been with you either.

You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Those are the 3cs that are alcoholism.

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs.

Rebuild your life without him, your own recovery from his alcoholism can now finally start.

I would suggest you contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to those affected by another person’s drinking.

I suppose I want a cast iron guarantee I won't regret it. No such thing, is there. I'm not feeling brave about starting again but I can't stand to live like this.

There are no guarantees, but it sounds like you've reached rock bottom. And when you reach that point, the only way is up.

One of the things about being single is that you have more flexibility to change things in your life. So you can try new things, and if they don't work, change them. This is how we gradually nudge things into place to feel happier. You even have a good 10 years ahead to see if you can improve your financial prospects if you're no longer trapped under a rock with him. Life's not over at 55 OP, mine was just getting going at that age! You'd be amazed how life can turn around if you focus on looking after yourself, and when you no longer have someone's unpredictable behaviour throwing a spanner in the works all the time.

@Alcemeg without trying to derail the thread, I would be interested and it might help OP to hear more of how and why your life began or got so much better at 55. If you feel comfortable sharing.

Time for you to get off the merry go around that is alcoholism.

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

You for your part will need to acknowledge your own roles in this relationship namely codependent partner, provoker (because you never forget) and enabler. Enabling him as you have done here only gave you a false sense of control.

By leaving him and importantly staying away from him permanently you are saving your own self. He never wanted your help or support and you’ve been too close to the situation to be of any use to him. You can only help your own self ultimately and you cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be saved. Being a rescuer and or a saviour in a relationship never works.

OP he needs to hit rock bottom before he'll improve. Ending the relationship will be one of the markers for him to understand that he's losing a cherished relationship because of his habit. He might carry on as he is, or it might be a wake up call. Either way, you have nothing to lose here. If he continues to drink, the effects of alcohol on him as he gets older will be worse and will drag you down too. It's such a sad and awful waste when the rest of the relationship is good

My exh loved drink more than me. The waves of relief when i threw him out were liberating... No more walking on eggshells. Days out cancelled. Smoothing things over with his ex when he couldn't have his dc.. Canceling my dc because he was in no state for them coming over..
Ime I seriously doubt you will have regrets about ending things. Maybe wistful ones about how things could have been had he been different.. But no real regrets about being without that arsehole.

My aunt married someone like this....Well he was an alcoholic it ruled his life its all he thought about and she was effectively his housekeeper no relationship really she more or less brought up their daughter on her own and rhenium she was his carer as he had alcohol related dementia and eventually passed away she's in her 80's now and has had no life

Well done for getting rid hugs my last marriage was hell through drink. I’m 55 so your not old enjoy your life now for you.

Sorry for typos

There is a very interesting book about someone in your position called Coming Clean by Liz fraser.
It’s pretty hopeless as they won’t change.

No, I didn't witness Alcohol problems when I was young.

Been there.
He won't change. He just won't. Even if he says he will, he won't.
Time and again I have read on here "when someone tells/shows you who they really are, listen".
There is no future with him. Please don't have kids with him, you'll be a single parent.
His health will suffer, maybe his work too.
It is so difficult I know but this is who he is and he will drag you down eventually. You need to be with someone that you love and respect and who is the same to you. He is not this person.
Better to be alone than dragged down. Sorry OP X

Hi Op. I lived with a drug abuser, and finally got rid of him in my mid forties. I quickly met someone else and that lasted 3 years, he broke my heart and I vowed I'd never get involved with someone I would love, just companionship etc.

I then met someone else. I didn't fancy him, nor ever loved him, after 7 years of quite a fraught relationship, I broke it off with him, I was 58. I decided that I was far unhappier with him than without him. I was single for 3 happy years (I'd definitely done the right thing) and now I've met someone else, and I'm not sure I've done the right thing

In the 3 years I was single, I joined groups, and focussed on friendships/family. I was much much happier.

Please don't waste any more years being unhappy OP, don't let fear hold you back..

[quote Yummypumpkin]@Alcemeg without trying to derail the thread, I would be interested and it might help OP to hear more of how and why your life began or got so much better at 55. If you feel comfortable sharing.[/quote]
I'll try not to bore everyone and will keep it quick! -- but basically it wasn't until my 50s that I came out of my shell, met and married DH#2 (we're very happy), and increased my income quite a bit by making a few adjustments (dropping the bread-and-butter stuff in favour of more highly paid work). I've also done some crazy/stupid stuff like an ill-advised move to another country, but life is never perfect is it?! And if something doesn't work out, you plan your next move. Just keep making adjustments to fine-tune things.

I think it's easy to feel almost like a helpless onlooker in your own life, but it's possible to make all kinds of changes. It makes me sad when people talk of being 55 as though the game is over. Life can change dramatically, and we have choices that shape it constantly. It's never too late to try doing things differently. Being stuck with someone in a difficult relationship can make you lose sight of that.

@Alcemeg I find that very, very inspiring and I am glad you shared it. I think it is very relevant here.

Gosh @Yummypumpkin thank you!!! if it helps anyone then I'm delighted.

@Alcemeg I agree, age really is just a number, it's your outlook and mindset, that motivates you, not your age.

Of course there are challenges as you age ie health/lifestyle, outside of those, if you have the opportunity, then you must try and do it.

Single or not, life is precious, and to be enjoyed. Savour every minute of it, we never know when we might not be able to.

Just picking up on @Alcemeg's lovely post: my parents' marriage ended after 30+ years. 4 years later - at 55 - my mum met the love of her life. Sadly both she and my stepdad have now died but they had many wonderful and deeply contented years together. And their relationship was not the only source of joy. They became very active in the University of the 3rd Age, local wine society, various local musical and amdram societies - to name just a bit of what they go up to (there was loads more too).

And my dad, in his late 70s, and parents in law, in their mid-80s, are also having a great time. @Itstheend - this is a difficult period you've got to get through but you've got so much still to look forward to!